a serial cheater finally comes clean

[Artie Lang]

i agree that you should try, but if things don't change, this is NO WAY to live.

 

someone else posted that they are in the same predicament as you and can't leave..... it's hard to leave. i just don't understand how it's much easier to have an affair rather than to leave the situation. how could someone stoop so low?

[janedoe67]

i just don't understand how it's much easier to have an affair rather than to leave the situation. how could someone stoop so low?

 

It is twisted thinking and I know it is twisted thinking. In the first affair I was the breadwinner and he needed my insurance and I thought "I can't leave because then he won't have his medicine" etc. That isn't the case now but he still seems to not really be able to take care of things himself and he wants me to make most of the decisions. If I am not there at suppertime he won't even eat even though there is food and with his health condition not eating is dangerous. I guess it is like he says. He needs me.

 

I know all that is twisted even writing it. I guess in that warped thought process I am taking care of him and keeping the house together and being the primary parent and then trying to get that empty place in me filled somewhere else. It sounds like a martyr thing but I know it is wrong. Very very wrong.

 

Honestly I wish I could just NOT have a sex drive or be a touchy feely person because that would fix everything.

 

It isn't that it is easier to have an affair as much as it is that leaving seems even worse?

[Artie Lang]

it's not about your sex drive. you have needs. your husband is just not fulfilling them. that's no excuse to go out and **** other men, though.

 

how long are you gonna keep trying? sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on..... sometimes the right decision isn't the most popular.

[janedoe67]

you have needs. your husband is just not fulfilling them.

 

That is the part that is hard for me to look at because that is when the anger that I know I shouldn't have wants to boil over. Because when all is said and done it is perfectly fine for him to break his promises because his broken promises are in private in the bedroom. But the promises I broke are somehow eons worse than his. He betrayed me too when he knew me for so long and made the promise to love and cherish me and be a husband in all the senses of the word knowing he didn't want to or didn't need to or whatever. Even the things with being mad at God. The Bible says do not commit adultery but it also says not to deprive your spouse. It even says in that verse not to deprive them so you won't be tempted.

 

None of that is to justify what I did because there is no doubt it is wrong. But when does my husband's betrayal matter? Those are the angry feelings I am afraid to feel because I know they aren't acceptable.

[Lamplight]

I caught my ex-husband on those adult sites by pretending to be a conquest. Those men are just nasty, disgusting, weird, crazy and gross. Don't know why any woman would go on those sites unless she's trying to catch her WS on those sites like I did. Maybe your husband has decided to stay in the marriage until the kids leave because child support isn't cheap. When you finally do get off those sites, you will be wondering why you ever went there in the first place. When I was out there baiting him, it just made my skin crawl.

[janedoe67]

When I was out there baiting him, it just made my skin crawl.

 

There is a very specific low that comes with joining those sites. You are right about that. And since it was a secret nobody even knew when I met someone so I am lucky (?) that I am not dead in a ditch somewhere.

[Act Two]

That is the part that is hard for me to look at because that is when the anger that I know I shouldn't have wants to boil over. Because when all is said and done it is perfectly fine for him to break his promises because his broken promises are in private in the bedroom. But the promises I broke are somehow eons worse than his. He betrayed me too when he knew me for so long and made the promise to love and cherish me and be a husband in all the senses of the word knowing he didn't want to or didn't need to or whatever. Even the things with being mad at God. The Bible says do not commit adultery but it also says not to deprive your spouse. It even says in that verse not to deprive them so you won't be tempted.

 

None of that is to justify what I did because there is no doubt it is wrong. But when does my husband's betrayal matter? Those are the angry feelings I am afraid to feel because I know they aren't acceptable.

 

IMO you need to address your suppression of your anger in therapy. Anger isn't right or wrong- it's how you feel and it's your own self giving you an indication that something is wrong. It's what we do with our anger that's right or wrong. Acting out in an affair, whether vindictively or to get your needs met is wrong, but you already know that. Figuring out why you are so angry then just denying your anger is a good use of time. We women are not taught how to deal with our anger- let's face it, an angry b@tch is no fun. We either suppress or have ugly blow-ups.

 

I think you should take a look at why you are angry. Being denied sexually by your spouse is a pretty good reason, and I think it's abandonment of the marriage to some degree.

 

Having said that, it is no justification for cheating on your husband. It sounds like you do not have a strong sense of self in that you have not stood up for what you want and need in the marriage. Of course, if you draw the line to no avail then you also need the strength to get out of the marriage. The cowardly way is to passive-aggressively go get what you want/need elsewhere. I can say this to you because I did the same thing, so I get it.

[turnera]

I believe that if you were to leave him, you would be HELPING him. He has no reason to address the myriad issues he has, because you keep his life comfortable. So that you both suffer.

[janedoe67]

I believe that if you were to leave him, you would be HELPING him. He has no reason to address the myriad issues he has, because you keep his life comfortable. So that you both suffer.

 

That isn't the first time someone has said that. Isn't it weird how we think we are normal until things like this? I mean I could have sworn I was just a regular person until I hit about 35 or so. And then I thought I was normal again until 3 years ago and this time I really really went off the deep end. I mean I had two parents who loved me and nice friends growing up and a good church and made good grades and everything. I was even good at my job. Sure I was nerdy and awkward and didn't date much until college but who cares? I mean I had my share of crisis but who doesn't? If all this badness was there the whole time why did I seem like such a good person until my thrites? I don't get it.

[karnak]

That isn't the first time someone has said that. Isn't it weird how we think we are normal until things like this? I mean I could have sworn I was just a regular person until I hit about 35 or so. And then I thought I was normal again until 3 years ago and this time I really really went off the deep end. I mean I had two parents who loved me and nice friends growing up and a good church and made good grades and everything. I was even good at my job. Sure I was nerdy and awkward and didn't date much until college but who cares? I mean I had my share of crisis but who doesn't? If all this badness was there the whole time why did I seem like such a good person until my thrites? I don't get it.

 

There is nothing really wrong with you.

In fact your real problem is that you're living a life that, deep down, doesn't really pleases you.

 

Time to try a new life. Like a job. If it frustrates you and makes you ill you gotta find another which is best suited for you.

 

Or else you'll be more and more frustrated 'till you get mad.

[janedoe67]

I have a psychologist appointment on Friday. I'm making a list.

[jnel921]

As far as why, my first gut response is because I really want to be touched and to feel desired and to have intimacy. Which is stupid because none of these other people gave/give a **** about me anyway but at the time it feels better than being lonely. How pathetic and selfish is that???

 

The thing that hit me this weekend is that all those other people were just some kind of really brief fake sense of mattering to somebody. The only man who has REALLY cared enough to actually stick around no matter how imperfect I was or what I looked like or how frustrating I can be is my husband. I just got so fixed on all the stuff he WASN'T doing I completely lost sight of all he was doing.

 

ok...so if you know this stop looking for men who will treat you like dirt on dirtbag websites and improve your M with your H. He wants to stay, but I sense that you look at this as a weakness and perhaps this makes him undesirable.

 

That is how you come off...

[drifter777]

janedoe67: We can't diagnose your husband and don't know why he is acting so radically different then most betrayed husbands. This makes it very hard to give you any advice but lots of us are trying anyway.

 

Most men go crazy when their wife cheats on them. Lots of them just walk away from the marriage. The ones that stay usually need assurance that their wife has broken off contact with her affair partner(s) and are truly sorry and willing to do anything to make up for what they have done. Your case is very, very different in that your husband is so sick emotionally (codependent?) he is willing to accept your behavior in order to keep your marriage alive. This is not typical and I would strongly suggest that your husband get into counseling as soon as possible. Also, your relationship seems pitifully empty and the only reason you have "seen the light" seems to be that you want your husband around when you get older. How selfish of you, but then we all can be pretty selfish sometimes.

 

I wonder if another motivation for you to change your cheating ways is that you are getting older and less desirable. Maybe you are to the point that lots of guys pass you by for younger, prettier women. Just a thought.

[janedoe67]

ok...so if you know this stop looking for men who will treat you like dirt on dirtbag websites and improve your M with your H. He wants to stay, but I sense that you look at this as a weakness and perhaps this makes him undesirable.

 

That is how you come off...

 

When my husband found out about this latest stuff, he didn't really say much for days. I would try to talk and he would just get up and walk out of the room so all I could really do for days was think. And I started seeing some things I had not seen before and wondering if I had created the things that bothered me. Maybe not the sex things but the other things. Like I lost respect for him because he seems so passive and doesn't want to lead and doesn't make decisions. But did I break him down somehow? I think I decided he was weak because of some arbitrary "me beat man chest" idea about what is strong? Because a man who would stick with me for so long has got to have strength. And a man who could find something to love about me with all this crap has to have some deepness and some character or something. I wonder if I have looked at him through glasses that made it impossible for him to "measure up?"

 

I wanted him to be this strong man I could submit to or whatever but then I tried to manipulate? him into being the kind of strong I wanted? I can't really explain what I mean but I know I have been manipulative without even realizing it, and I talked about how he had forgiven me for cheating years ago, but I don't think I ever forgave him for not "wanting" me the way I wanted. He trusted me again even after my affair but I never really trusted him to meet my needs. I set him up to fail.

 

These are just some things I have thought about and when I told him the other night he broke down and held me for a long time and told me it was the first time since our kids were born that he felt like he was really talking to the person he married.

[Act Two]

When my husband found out about this latest stuff, he didn't really say much for days. I would try to talk and he would just get up and walk out of the room so all I could really do for days was think. And I started seeing some things I had not seen before and wondering if I had created the things that bothered me. Maybe not the sex things but the other things. Like I lost respect for him because he seems so passive and doesn't want to lead and doesn't make decisions. But did I break him down somehow? I think I decided he was weak because of some arbitrary "me beat man chest" idea about what is strong? Because a man who would stick with me for so long has got to have strength. And a man who could find something to love about me with all this crap has to have some deepness and some character or something. I wonder if I have looked at him through glasses that made it impossible for him to "measure up?"

 

I wanted him to be this strong man I could submit to or whatever but then I tried to manipulate? him into being the kind of strong I wanted? I can't really explain what I mean but I know I have been manipulative without even realizing it, and I talked about how he had forgiven me for cheating years ago, but I don't think I ever forgave him for not "wanting" me the way I wanted. He trusted me again even after my affair but I never really trusted him to meet my needs. I set him up to fail.

 

These are just some things I have thought about and when I told him the other night he broke down and held me for a long time and told me it was the first time since our kids were born that he felt like he was really talking to the person he married.

 

I can really identify with that! I think it is very important for a woman to respect her husband, and it's hard to get that back once it is gone. I also experienced a husband taking me back initially, but I think my respect was further diminished because I saw him doing so out of fear and lack of self-esteem rather than strength. I think this is why when BS are counseled on this site to deal with a cheating spouse, the 180 hard line often is the only thing that works for a multitude of reasons, one being not being a doormat (for their own sanity as well), even when staying really does require strength.

 

Men also need to be respected-if you are religious a good book is called Love and Respect (I think Emmerichs is the author) on this topic.

[SoulStorm]

When my husband found out about this latest stuff, he didn't really say much for days. I would try to talk and he would just get up and walk out of the room so all I could really do for days was think. And I started seeing some things I had not seen before and wondering if I had created the things that bothered me. Maybe not the sex things but the other things. Like I lost respect for him because he seems so passive and doesn't want to lead and doesn't make decisions. But did I break him down somehow? I think I decided he was weak because of some arbitrary "me beat man chest" idea about what is strong? Because a man who would stick with me for so long has got to have strength. And a man who could find something to love about me with all this crap has to have some deepness and some character or something. I wonder if I have looked at him through glasses that made it impossible for him to "measure up?"

 

I wanted him to be this strong man I could submit to or whatever but then I tried to manipulate? him into being the kind of strong I wanted? I can't really explain what I mean but I know I have been manipulative without even realizing it, and I talked about how he had forgiven me for cheating years ago, but I don't think I ever forgave him for not "wanting" me the way I wanted. He trusted me again even after my affair but I never really trusted him to meet my needs. I set him up to fail.

 

These are just some things I have thought about and when I told him the other night he broke down and held me for a long time and told me it was the first time since our kids were born that he felt like he was really talking to the person he married.

 

You really don't "know" your husband in depth. he has a strength that goes beyond the "Me Tarzan, You Jane!" stigma. he has a strength within that surpasses macho..his strength will be there long after machismo is gone. You really don't know what you have.

[janedoe67]

 

This is what I am starting to wonder about some. He is a nice guy in every sense of the word. I never really had any experience with the bad boy phase because I was a good conservative girl and didn't date overly much. I don't know why that is relevant but I will leave it in there since I wrote it. The charming, "manly," overly confident, sexual man thing seems flattering and exciting but I have figured something out. None of those guys stick around or care much about anything once they get what they wanted. The nice guy I married is still around and knows not just these really bad flaws I am sharing here but all of them.

 

He isn't the stereotype of big sportsy swimsuit issue I'm in charge look at the rack on that one man. Did I just buy the lie somewhere along the way that a man has to be like that in order to "lead"?

[SoulStorm]

 

This is what I am starting to wonder about some. He is a nice guy in every sense of the word. I never really had any experience with the bad boy phase because I was a good conservative girl and didn't date overly much. I don't know why that is relevant but I will leave it in there since I wrote it. The charming, "manly," overly confident, sexual man thing seems flattering and exciting but I have figured something out. None of those guys stick around or care much about anything once they get what they wanted. The nice guy I married is still around and knows not just these really bad flaws I am sharing here but all of them.

 

He isn't the stereotype of big sportsy swimsuit issue I'm in charge look at the rack on that one man. Did I just buy the lie somewhere along the way that a man has to be like that in order to "lead"?

 

Yes..leadership is way more mental than it is physical..just because someone looks like a greek adonis doesn't mean he has a brain.

Edited June 19, 2013 by SoulStorm

[AbeNormal]

To quote Soulstorm: Yes..leadership is way more mental than it is physical..just because someone looks like a greek adonis doesn't mean he has a brain.

 

****

 

Or a compassionate heart. Or character. Most certainly it does not mean/imply he has strength of character. Or that he possesses a sound, gentle and caring soul. And that he is not simply a "paper tiger"...

 

Pyrite?

 

http://geology.utah.gov/online_html/pi/pi-50/pi50pyrt.htm

(I like the last sentence in this brief description.)

 

[Your apparently misguided expectations aside, it would seem that there is some deeply embedded conflict - and perhaps self abusive issues/tendencies - within your husband as evidenced by his neutral/benign response to your outrageous behavior. Or maybe he is just humiliated, scared and emasculated. But, still...]

Edited June 19, 2013 by AbeNormal

[BeholdtheMan]

But when my husband found out I went to see a lawyer he just....got really really upset and desperate. He begged me to stay and said he would do anything.

Kids...the lesson here is don't be a doormat

 

I do not want to be this person anymore, but I am afraid it is too late.

Yeah, you're probably too set in your ways to change.

 

What you can do is divorce your husband despite his pathetic attempts to keep you. Are you keeping him around because he supports your lifestyle? If you're miserable with him, you might as well set him free (as sadly he doesn't have the balls to do it himself)

 

I would recommend staying single or trying an open relationship

[turnera]

That isn't the first time someone has said that. Isn't it weird how we think we are normal until things like this? I mean I could have sworn I was just a regular person until I hit about 35 or so. And then I thought I was normal again until 3 years ago and this time I really really went off the deep end. I mean I had two parents who loved me and nice friends growing up and a good church and made good grades and everything. I was even good at my job. Sure I was nerdy and awkward and didn't date much until college but who cares? I mean I had my share of crisis but who doesn't? If all this badness was there the whole time why did I seem like such a good person until my thrites? I don't get it.

You're just the frog in the boiling water. At first it's fine. As the water starts to warm up, you just adjust to the heat. Until you're about to die and don't understand why; after all, you're surviving the heat.

 

Your H is in the same boat: you have 'fixed' him for so long, to such an extreme extent, that he no longer understands what normal is. Help him see what life is SUPPOSED to have been like, by telling him he will have to take care of himself.

 

It's time for tough love.

[janedoe67]

Men also need to be respected-if you are religious a good book is called Love and Respect (I think Emmerichs is the author) on this topic.

 

I have heard about this book and will see if it is on kindle today - if not I'll order the real book.

 

Lots of warring emotions right now.

[janedoe67]

One thing I am thinking is that I need to not post on an threads except this one because right now my concentration needs to be on what I did and how much I hurt my husband and not my own hurt from not being desired.

 

I don't know what to do with all those feelings. The first forum I was on said I didn't have the right to have those feelings or be hurt that my husband didn't meet my needs because I cheated and I tried to live that way but the needs were still there and now the feelings I tried not to have are boiling over in some moments. Then at other moments I feel so horrible for what I have done. Then I want to throw myself into my husband's arms. Then I am afraid to get too close to him because how can I dare to touch him and ask for touch when I have done such things? Then I think how dare I be thinking all of this when I am the bad one? I should stop thinking about me at all and only think of him.

 

Then the very worst part (the sarcastic jaded part) wants to say all manner of things about how easy it is for someone to throw stones from glass houses. Even though honestly I have been very very shocked at the lack of stones. There's no way I could even type a tenth of this if I went back to the first place I landed all those years ago.

[janedoe67]

I'm reminded of two things I am glad that my husband does not have and those two things are blindness and bitterness.

 

Those two things just by themselves say a lot about his manhood and his character.

[turnera]

That first place didn't happen to have the initials MB, did it?