a serial cheater finally comes clean

[janedoe67]

bwaha...I might need a defibrilator nearby, but I might just have to try that lol

[janedoe67]

It is October, and things are still moving. There are good things. I am consistent. He is patient. Honestly, I am very very thankful. Very thankful.

 

I am struggling for some reason though, and it really doesn't have anything to do with him; it is just me. Counseling is a wonderful and terrible thing. So many emotions, and as touchy feely as I seem to be....I never know what to do with THIS many emotions.

 

I feel grateful and I admire my husband and I feel safe with him and I am working to help him to feel safe with me again.

 

That said, I just feel very profoundly sad. And it is something I hate to complain about or even mention because, well, look what I did. I also have this....anger that I cannot define. It isn't at him, and I am not entirely sure it is at myself. It just is.

 

BUT....I am grateful to have come this far and to know that even though he will never forget my betrayal, I KNOW that when he looks at me, it is NOT the only thing he sees.

[Steadfast]

That said, I just feel very profoundly sad. And it is something I hate to complain about or even mention because, well, look what I did. I also have this....anger that I cannot define. It isn't at him, and I am not entirely sure it is at myself. It just is.

 

BUT....I am grateful to have come this far and to know that even though he will never forget my betrayal, I KNOW that when he looks at me, it is NOT the only thing he sees.

 

I believe you're getting to the heart of the issue. You are realizing that some things will never change. Like your past. No amount of talking, digging or therapy will erase it. You are where most people give up and give in. Is this the longest period you've remained faithful since it began?

 

Making things worse is the vicious circle of guilt and disappointment. Frustration often turns to anger. Don't forget that our experiences mold us. Life is for learning, expectation can translate into a defeatist attitude when success doesn't arrive soon enough for our tastes. No matter what you've done, or how many times you've done it, you must allow the occasional ebb and flow of emotion to run its natural course. Lighten up!

 

Hold the line and love yourself. You'll need that to be who you wish to be.

[janedoe67]

I believe you're getting to the heart of the issue. You are realizing that some things will never change. Like your past. No amount of talking, digging or therapy will erase it. You are where most people give up and give in. Is this the longest period you've remained faithful since it began?

 

Making things worse is the vicious circle of guilt and disappointment. Frustration often turns to anger. Don't forget that our experiences mold us. Life is for learning, expectation can translate into a defeatist attitude when success doesn't arrive soon enough for our tastes. No matter what you've done, or how many times you've done it, you must allow the occasional ebb and flow of emotion to run its natural course. Lighten up!

 

Hold the line and love yourself. You'll need that to be who you wish to be.

 

The longest period was 6 years....then two years....

 

Sadly I am only a few months out this time, but I am determined to dig it all out instead of pretending to be one of Pavlov's dogs.

 

I have seen some things about my past ways of coping that - though they were not morally wrong - set me up for the mindset I had when cheating as a terrible way to "get what I needed."

 

I am also working on living in the reality that is instead of focusing on how I "wish" reality was. Yeah, pretty sadly basic. People live with parts of life that are radically different from how they thought things would be all the time. People who never thought they would lose a child, never thought they would be unable to conceive, never thought they would have to file bankruptcy, never thought they would outlive their spouse, never thought they would have cancer.....

 

The fact that I thought I would have the kind of romantic marriage my parents have is a relatively minor reality to adjust compared to some of those things. Don't get me wrong; it is still hard. I still sleep with my giant body pillow so I have something to hold lol. But my kids who are still home have two parents at home. My husband has a companion and helper. I have a very good friend who knows the worst of me and is still capable of seeing someone who is worth something. There are a lot of blessings.

[BetrayedH]

The longest period was 6 years....then two years....

 

Sadly I am only a few months out this time, but I am determined to dig it all out instead of pretending to be one of Pavlov's dogs.

 

I have seen some things about my past ways of coping that - though they were not morally wrong - set me up for the mindset I had when cheating as a terrible way to "get what I needed."

 

I am also working on living in the reality that is instead of focusing on how I "wish" reality was. Yeah, pretty sadly basic. People live with parts of life that are radically different from how they thought things would be all the time. People who never thought they would lose a child, never thought they would be unable to conceive, never thought they would have to file bankruptcy, never thought they would outlive their spouse, never thought they would have cancer.....

 

The fact that I thought I would have the kind of romantic marriage my parents have is a relatively minor reality to adjust compared to some of those things. Don't get me wrong; it is still hard. I still sleep with my giant body pillow so I have something to hold lol. But my kids who are still home have two parents at home. My husband has a companion and helper. I have a very good friend who knows the worst of me and is still capable of seeing someone who is worth something. There are a lot of blessings.

 

I think this was a key component in my exwife's affair. She wanted more out of life. She was never satisfied. I was the opposite. I was mentally prepared for the fact that we were facing an uphill climb considering that we had two FT jobs that required 50-60 hours each while we had two kids and not much support. I accepted that this stage was not full of drunken nights, concerts and sex. Some might suggest that I was complacent or took my marriage for granted. I think I was realistic and still committed to keeping my commitments. She apparently wanted more and chose to unfairly and unilaterally just get it for herself. She should have either counted her blessings or let me go. Of course, there was also the third option of having a difficult and honest conversation about changes but she didn't do that either.

[janedoe67]

 

I wanted to point out that I do not get drunk, the last concert I attended was one I had children in, and I presumed that being married would mean I would at least occasionally have sex.

 

Just because I am willing to live with certain realities does not mean I think it is admirable or even okay to refuse to meet a spouse's deepest needs. My husband's choice to have me as a platonic partner because that is what is comfortable for HIM isn't right. It is also something I cannot control. All I can control is me, and I have purposed to live with integrity.

 

So yeah....being complacent and neglecting one's spouse and then basically making fun of their need for more is not something to be proud of.

[BetrayedH]

 

I wanted to point out that I do not get drunk, the last concert I attended was one I had children in, and I presumed that being married would mean I would at least occasionally have sex.

 

Just because I am willing to live with certain realities does not mean I think it is admirable or even okay to refuse to meet a spouse's deepest needs. My husband's choice to have me as a platonic partner because that is what is comfortable for HIM isn't right. It is also something I cannot control. All I can control is me, and I have purposed to live with integrity.

 

So yeah....being complacent and neglecting one's spouse and then basically making fun of their need for more is not something to be proud of.

 

Forgive me as I haven't read your thread (I was distracted in your early days). I wil rectify that. To be clear, I think it's obvious that your situation was quite different from my wife's.

 

From reading your more recent posts, I think you harbor resentment over your husband's treatment of you. My wife also struggled with putting all of her marital issues on the back burner while she dealt with the affair. We did our best to multi-task.

 

I'm at a disadvantage not knowing your full story and so I'm very reserved at making any judgments. I just hear a lot of anger lately. Try not to let resentment build, if you can. That alone leads to a lot of affairs.

[janedoe67]

I wanted to point out that I do not get drunk, the last concert I attended was one I had children in, and I presumed that being married would mean I would at least occasionally have sex.

 

Just because I am willing to live with certain realities does not mean I think it is admirable or even okay to refuse to meet a spouse's deepest needs. My husband's choice to have me as a platonic partner because that is what is comfortable for HIM isn't right. It is also something I cannot control. All I can control is me, and I have purposed to live with integrity.

 

So yeah....being complacent and neglecting one's spouse and then basically making fun of their need for more is not something to be proud of.

 

Forgive me as I haven't read your thread (I was distracted in your early days). I wil rectify that. To be clear, I think it's obvious that your situation was quite different from my wife's.

 

From reading your more recent posts, I think you harbor resentment over your husband's treatment of you. My wife also struggled with putting all of her marital issues on the back burner while she dealt with the affair. We did our best to multi-task.

 

I'm at a disadvantage not knowing your full story and so I'm very reserved at making any judgments. I just hear a lot of anger lately. Try not to let resentment build, if you can. That alone leads to a lot of affairs.

 

I have made peace with the kind of relationship I will have with my husband for the most part. It does hurt, but I understand that the only person I can control is me. For the most part, I am grateful that he seeks to understand me as a person instead of making me a caricature. He really is a good man. He is very (and always has been) objective about most things in life. He does not pendulum swing from one extreme to the other and rarely uses words like "always" or "never." That may seem small, but I have come to appreciate how much easier it makes things. He has not allowed my betrayal to color everything and everyone around him, which amazes me quite frankly. Even with me, he has zero tolerance for what I did and he is very clear on the fact that it was MY choice, but he is also able to look at me and see a wife, mother, friend, person of value, etc. and not just a cheater, which considering HE was the one I cheated on is really saying something.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is okay to grieve what might have been, visions of a marriage that didn't happen, and for the woman who made choices that went against who she believed she was.

 

For a person who previously processed by using other people to soothe, its difficult to sit with their emotions.

 

Its okay to feel angry, sad, hurt..etc. Its how we soothe afterwards that matter. Mediation, exercise, alone time, whatever your way is...to help move through them and release them.

 

Start thinking about what you are grateful today, just today.

 

Start writing out what your goals are for yourself and your relationship. Share them with your husband. Show him the real you.

[janedoe67]

It is okay to grieve what might have been, visions of a marriage that didn't happen, and for the woman who made choices that went against who she believed she was.

 

For a person who previously processed by using other people to soothe, its difficult to sit with their emotions.

 

Its okay to feel angry, sad, hurt..etc. Its how we soothe afterwards that matter. Mediation, exercise, alone time, whatever your way is...to help move through them and release them.

 

Start thinking about what you are grateful today, just today.

 

Start writing out what your goals are for yourself and your relationship. Share them with your husband. Show him the real you.

 

I was the person who "fixed" everything. I was the peacemaker. If there was something wrong - including and especially something wrong with ME - I fixed it, changed it, suppressed it so that everyone else could feel comfortable. I never asked for anything, just waited until it was offered. because I didn't want to be too much. I also tried very hard to be what everyone wanted. Because I didn't want to not be enough.

 

If I did everything right and didn't disappoint, then everything would be good.

 

Life doesn't always work that way.

[AlwaysGrowing]

We simply can not be everything to everyone. Saying no is okay. Saying "not right now, I will help you when I am free tomorrow, is that okay" is okay.

 

Disappointment is a fact of life. I know I have been guilty of much of what you posted. I think most mothers have.

 

Once we recognize that maybe it wasn't the best way, we can work to fix that part. Yes, fixing the way we fix things.

[janedoe67]

We simply can not be everything to everyone. Saying no is okay. Saying "not right now, I will help you when I am free tomorrow, is that okay" is okay.

 

Disappointment is a fact of life. I know I have been guilty of much of what you posted. I think most mothers have.

 

Once we recognize that maybe it wasn't the best way, we can work to fix that part. Yes, fixing the way we fix things.

 

A lot of it for me boiled down to control. No matter what I did or who I tried to be, I could not control whether or not hubby wanted me or touched me or viewed marriage the way I did, etc. And that made me angry. I couldn't MAKE life be the way I wanted it.

 

I also had the very bad habit of giving past where I knew I could really give and then being resentful. If I knew I couldn't give anymore, then I should have spoken up, not played the martyr and done it anyway.

 

Trouble was pride. I wanted to be thought of as wonderful.

[Furious]

Dear Jane

 

You are allowed to mourn the hope you had and life you wished for. I think you're eloquent and a good person who has stumbled and I truly believe you never meant to hurt anyone.

 

Everyone wants to be validated, loved and appreciated. I can understand that. Unfortunately, no one can validate you, love you, appreciate you unless you do this for yourself.

 

It's a very thin line when self esteem and the esteem you seek can be crossed.

 

I admire your honesty and I wish I could give you a big hug.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think wanting to be thought of as wonderful (especially inside our most intimate relationships) is normal.

 

To a certain extent we all have external validation that feeds our ego(self). The ones that have the most potential to reinforce either positive or negative views of ourselves are maternal, paternal, spouse, children, self.

 

When those ^ are feeding negative views, some opt to outsource it completely. That is where someone starts using other people to soothe those hurts.

 

It just doesn't work. For the same reason that the barge of feeding kids self esteem does not work. I know plenty of people that have all kinds of self esteem, hold themselves in high regard. Not very nice people though, some even abusive.

 

What outsourcing ultimately does is hurt our Self Respect. Us being there for us. Having our own back. Listening to advice that our inner self knows is wrong, but does it anyways. It hurts even more, that even WE didn't have our backs.

[Zenstudent]

A lot of it for me boiled down to control. No matter what I did or who I tried to be, I could not control whether or not hubby wanted me or touched me or viewed marriage the way I did, etc. And that made me angry. I couldn't MAKE life be the way I wanted it.

 

I also had the very bad habit of giving past where I knew I could really give and then being resentful. If I knew I couldn't give anymore, then I should have spoken up, not played the martyr and done it anyway.

 

Trouble was pride. I wanted to be thought of as wonderful.

Yes, Jane. That's exactly IT. You can't MAKE other people, life, the world the way you would like it to be. This is where a lot of people stumble, WS, BS, everybody.

 

It is exactly the way it is, make the best of it, just as it is. And if you don't like it where you are, find another place to be, and let other people be where they choose to be.

 

And by the way, we had an exchange in another thread somewhere, but I do believe you're trying hard by just being here, writing what you do (there you go, now you got some external validation as an added bonus ).

[janedoe67]

I think it's just time for me to throw up the white flag.

 

My husband is stupid and deluded enough to love me. My kids haven't wised up enough to shun me. I'll quit while I'm ahead.

[hollyhillcourt]

I think it's just time for me to throw up the white flag.

 

My husband is stupid and deluded enough to love me. My kids haven't wised up enough to shun me. I'll quit while I'm ahead.

 

Don't do it. That is not true. Everyone benefits from the WS's who are BRAVE enough to post here. Ignore bullies and keep working on yourself.

[janedoe67]

I can't. I want to. I probably need to.

 

But what WILL end up happening is that the woman my husband wants me to bring here will arrive. And she will get BUSY.

 

Because while I am A WS....I am not everyone on here's WS. Ergo it is not my job to be a surrogate.

 

I don't use the BS's here as surrogates either. Honestly, there are quite a few I could NEVER use a surrogates because they are NPOTHING like my H. Which makes me wants to run and hug him right now, but he is napping

 

I don't know what the goal is, but I can tell you that in my experience with therapy, counseling, and teaching.......beating someone down every time they try to get up off the floor is NOT the most effective way to motivate real change.

 

Unless real change and redemption in the WS isn'yt the goal....maybe the goal is to just pummel as many as possible until we feel better.

[harrybrown]

When he wakes up, do give him that hug.

 

I do think he is still trying, where other men, including me, would have given up long ago. My self-esteem could not take that many hits.

 

I do hope you and your family will have a good evening and an even better tomorrow.

[janedoe67]

It's funny. I told myself the lie that I had no safe place for so long....and part of that twisted thinking allowed me to be vulnerable and chuck my boundaries.

 

But now.....he IS my safe place. Sometimes he feels like the ONLY safe place.

[janedoe67]

I am beginning to understand why Hester Prynne did not want to leave her home.

 

At home I am still jane.

 

Everywhere else I am "the whore."

[drifter777]

I am beginning to understand why Hester Prynne did not want to leave her home.

 

At home I am still jane.

 

Everywhere else I am "the whore."

Who else knows? Are people out in the world really punishing you somehow?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am beginning to understand why Hester Prynne did not want to leave her home.

 

At home I am still jane.

 

Everywhere else I am "the whore."

 

 

Jane...these words are the same negative self talk that you used to engage in thoughts and behaviours to hurt yourself.

 

You know..that they are not true. I know that you know that, because you defend that part of you. You also acknowledge the pain you caused. Very brave, very courageous, very insightful, very true. All of it. You caused pain. You are a good person.

 

Listen...it is very, very, very (did I say very enough) easy to separate the vastly different WS, AP and BS. No matter how often we hear...that ALMOST EVERY WS is this way...and ALMOST EVERY AP is that way...and ALMOST EVERY BS is this a way. It simply is not true. Are there commonalities...could be. More likely to...sure. EXACTLY.LIKE.THIS...absolutely NOT.

 

Quite frankly, I find those that are my way is the absolutely only way to view things...easier to dismiss. As I do not value those that deal in illusions.

[janedoe67]

Who else knows? Are people out in the world really punishing you somehow?

 

Not that many people know....but see, I find that every wortld, even the virtual one, is made up of rel people. Therefore in its own way it IS real.

 

I try to empathize with others. I try not to use others as surrogates for my own situation. I just keep forgetting that not everyone else tries to see people as people that way.

[Zenstudent]

I would like to repeat that I think you're brave and strong. It took guts to finally come clean and decide to change. And you show great courage to contribute to this forum-

 

I'm sorry for the misery in your marriage, and sorry for the pain you experienced from your husbands lack of interest. He seems to have some issues to adress as well.

 

Thank you for being here.