Lost in Myself Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Rewind time 9 years and I was the OW. It lasted almost three years until I finally decided that enough was enough and I wasn't going to allow to feel that way anymore. There was no dday, just a silent breakup. I was single and his wife had no idea I existed as more than a friend. Now, I want to know how I allowed myself to fall into the same situation with the same guy yet again. I know I am being completely dumb, especially since I am engaged and have been with my partner for 4 years. It is unfair to both of our significant others, completely wrong of us, and the stupidest thing that I have ever done. Where I get confused is that I don't exactly feel guilty. I love him to death, and I don't want to hurt him but there has been an undeniable pull between the MM and I since day one. My fiance knows about the history between MM and I, and has no problem with the fact that we are still friends. We have ignored our feelings for 6 years and about two months ago, they both got thrown in our faces. MM was fighting with his wife a lot and I was fighting with my fiance a lot. Venting to each other turned into this A, and I am disgusted with myself. I know exactly what I have to do, and am at LC with MM. I just need some support to get through this mess I have made for myself and everyone else. Sorry this is so discombobulated, I'm completely lost and I don't even know which way is up anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Have you admitted the A to your fiance? It seems like you and MM instead of turning to your partner or dealing with issues in your relationships, you instead turn to other people/each other and allow your friendships to become inappropriate. I don't think you can move on from this if you aren't first truthful with your fiance about things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 My fiance knows about the history between MM and I, and has no problem with the fact that we are still friends.When you break up with the MM again, do not resume any contact whatsoever. You can never be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I agree with Eggplant. I thought for most of this A that MM and I could be friends afterward, but the chemistry is too strong. You're like two magnets being drawn together... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost in Myself Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 No I haven't. I know I need to soon, just trying to grow the courage to admit to the colossal mistakes that I have chosen to make. You are exactly right about conversations and friendships becoming inappropriate. I'm not trying to put any of the blame onto my fiancee, but we have had a few big on-going issues that I have repeatedly tried to discuss with him. One day MM was at my house and knew something was really bothering me and I just poured my heart out to him. That was my first mistake and it gets even worse after that. I am thinking about starting IC, but we all live in a small town and even though I know that IC sessions are supposed to be confidential, I still worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost in Myself Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 You're like two magnets being drawn together... Yes we are. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 No I haven't. I know I need to soon, just trying to grow the courage to admit to the colossal mistakes that I have chosen to make. You are exactly right about conversations and friendships becoming inappropriate. I'm not trying to put any of the blame onto my fiancee, but we have had a few big on-going issues that I have repeatedly tried to discuss with him. One day MM was at my house and knew something was really bothering me and I just poured my heart out to him. That was my first mistake and it gets even worse after that. I am thinking about starting IC, but we all live in a small town and even though I know that IC sessions are supposed to be confidential, I still worry. IC seems like a good idea. I believe everyone needs to have in their tool kit the right tools to sustain themselves and their relationships in a healthy manner. It's not intuitive, believe it or not. Most of us learn from our parents and those around us and sadly, many didn't set the best examples for how to deal with conflict and relate to a partner. Most people wing it and do what "seems right", but isn't, or just react. I definitely think before you go ahead and marry your fiance IC as well as premarital counseling will help you tremendously going forward. Marriage is a commitment and throughout the years ALL kinds of things will come up...if your response in times of stress is to pour out your heart to an ex esp. an ex affair partner, your M won't stand a chance. Relationships have to be nurtured as well as protected and some actions and behaviors make them more vulnerable than others; it's up to you to learn which ones help or harm yours and learn to choose how you respond wisely. I really wish you luck in cutting MM off PERMANENTLY and mending your relationship if it should be mended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost in Myself Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 IC seems like a good idea. I believe everyone needs to have in their tool kit the right tools to sustain themselves and their relationships in a healthy manner. It's not intuitive, believe it or not. Most of us learn from our parents and those around us and sadly, many didn't set the best examples for how to deal with conflict and relate to a partner. Most people wing it and do what "seems right", but isn't, or just react. I definitely think before you go ahead and marry your fiance IC as well as premarital counseling will help you tremendously going forward. Marriage is a commitment and throughout the years ALL kinds of things will come up...if your response in times of stress is to pour out your heart to an ex esp. an ex affair partner, your M won't stand a chance. Relationships have to be nurtured as well as protected and some actions and behaviors make them more vulnerable than others; it's up to you to learn which ones help or harm yours and learn to choose how you respond wisely. I really wish you luck in cutting MM off PERMANENTLY and mending your relationship if it should be mended. You nailed it once again. Both myself and the MM are children of broken marriages and serial cheating. I never saw myself in the situation that I am in now, nor my situation before the A. I was the one that was never going to get married, never going to have a long term commitment. I always knew that it would take a hell of a guy to change my thinking on relationships, and I really thought that my fiancee was that guy. We have been engaged for over a year and are lacking the funds to actually get married. I see that as a blessing now. IC and and preMC need to be in my/our immediate futures. I just don't know how to get this out in the open. I am tearing myself apart daily. What makes this worse is that my fiancee and MM are the best of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Rewind time 9 years and I was the OW. It lasted almost three years until I finally decided that enough was enough and I wasn't going to allow to feel that way anymore. There was no dday, just a silent breakup. I was single and his wife had no idea I existed as more than a friend. Now, I want to know how I allowed myself to fall into the same situation with the same guy yet again. I know I am being completely dumb, especially since I am engaged and have been with my partner for 4 years. It is unfair to both of our significant others, completely wrong of us, and the stupidest thing that I have ever done. Where I get confused is that I don't exactly feel guilty. I love him to death, and I don't want to hurt him but there has been an undeniable pull between the MM and I since day one. My fiance knows about the history between MM and I, and has no problem with the fact that we are still friends. We have ignored our feelings for 6 years and about two months ago, they both got thrown in our faces. MM was fighting with his wife a lot and I was fighting with my fiance a lot. Venting to each other turned into this A, and I am disgusted with myself. I know exactly what I have to do, and am at LC with MM. I just need some support to get through this mess I have made for myself and everyone else. Sorry this is so discombobulated, I'm completely lost and I don't even know which way is up anymore. Yikes! LIM, welcome and you've just confirmed to me why I will never try and be friends with my XAP. Please don't marry your fiance without telling him the truth about the MM. It'll haunt the heck out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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