lost_but_trying Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Hi everyone. Im brand new here and am very grateful to have found a place where I can relate to others without judgement. I have only just realized and fully come out of my denial about the problem that I have with love and addiction. It hurts like hell to even face this about myself and to truly see what lies beneath the mask that I was so used to wearing. With anyone and any addiction, of course there is back story, but I am just going to give a basic rundown to let you know where I am coming from. I grew up with an extremely abusive father and mother who were both heavily addicted to drugs, sex and eachother. For years and years, I truly believed that I had managed to overcome my childhood and beat the legacy of addiction. I was wrong. I am 32, 4 children from a 10 year terrible marriage to a man who was neglectful at his best and abusive at his worst. He has a problem with addiction and has recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I thought and trued to convince myself that I stayed in the marriage because I loved him and "helped" him to get better with the hopes that if I fixed him, he would love me. I now see that it was an addiction to him and intense fear of rejection and being alone that actually kept me there. While he was institutionalized for 5 months, I started a business and opened a booth at a local fleamarket. I met a man who also owned a stand right by mine and we hit it off immediately. He is with a woman for 20 years and never married her, but has 2 grown children in their 20's. (he is 40). we began a sexual relationship while my husband was away and for the first time in 12 years, I felt attractive and desired and worth something. I got a high every time that I got a text from him and thought that I was okay with it just being about sex. Then, my husband was released from the hospital. Rather than relief thathe was home, I felt grief over having to end my affair. I knew it was wrong and wanted to give my marriage another chance, so I came clean, told myhusband everything and told him what I needed from him in order to feel fulfilled inside the marriage rather than straying and gave him the choice to stay or go. He chose to stay and work thigs out, but my heart wasnt in it. He didn't try at all and neither did I. We both agreed that our marriage had no strong foundation and that it wasnt built to last, that it was based on codependency and not love. after a couple of months, he finally moved out. Of course, I couldn't stay out of teh affair for long. within 2 weeks, I gave in again. The obsession grew and grew and I created a fantasy in my own head that was screwing me up emotionally, physically and turned me into a basket case. So, I ended it again, but let him convince me (rather easily) to stay friends. What was a sexual affair quickly became even more dangerous as a complete emotional affair that did not include sex. after a month or 2 of that, we gave in and started having sex again. Now, it's in very dangerous waters because I am completely addicted to him and as much as I want to believe that he feels the same way, he has still not decided to leave his girl. I'm okay with that. If he leaves I want it to be because he wants to and not because of me, since I am in no place to have a real relatioship with him even if he did leave. But I'd be lying if I said that the thought of having a man, not even necessarily him, love and desire me enough to give up his life for me, makes me feel like I am actually worth something. Rationally, I know how f'd up that is, but why lie about it on here, right? The problem is that I now see that I have a problem with love addiction and that he is just my latest drug, but I do very much value the friendship that we have, without the sex. I also know that if I am to get a grip on this, I have to give that up and cut contact. This wouldnt be such a big problem if I hadn't gone and made the ginormous mistake of ****ting where I eat! I work with him and it's not even seeing him that bothers me, is the idea of seeing him move on and possibly with someone else (he cheated with me so I know that he'll eventually do it again with someone else) that bothers me. Its not even so much that I want him, but the overwhelming deep seeded need for him to want me that makes me crazy. Outwardly, noone would suspect how entirely damaged and screw up in the head I am neither in general or about this, but it's taking over my life. I jump from one broken and unavailable person to the next and I now understand why that is, but I am having so much trouble staying strong and resisting any contact with him. I am not even in the divorce process yet and I am too busy obsessing about the potential loss of a man that I have no future with, to mourn and grieve the end of my marriage. The one good thing that came from this is that because of it, I was able to identify my relationship pattern and addiction, but I now can't even standthe thought of having to go to my shop and not look forward to sneaking kisses or hugs and glances and dinners afterwards. It's killing me because I don't want it to stop and I know it will keep going on for as long as I let it, but now that my moral compas got a reality check, I know I have to stop this in it's tracks. How do you stay strong and not give into the tempation and crumble from the withdrawal? Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I wish you the best, I also wish I had even one answer, I'm in a very similar situation, an addict to a man I shouldn't even be with, sorry your going through this, I know the pain it's causing you... I'm feeling it right now *BIG hugs* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 I feel for you.......addiction is hard...I am schizo affective.....so they say.....and I know that the illness is hard to handle.......for the people who love the person with the illness and for the person them self....... it is hard to be by yourself i know that too, i have five children, teens upwards,I have actually three teens living at home(shudder, all female....lol...its a challenge) one mentally impaired son that i am also a carer for and i struggle......i have faith though....not that i will end up with a loving relationship...but that even the hard bits i go through will make sense to me one day....i think it would be hard for any guy to come into my family and to me it seems a bit unfair to expect a guy who is sane to take on my tribe and ...me........ Not too long ago...a year and a bit ago....i absolutely refused to contemplate ever being with someone again...dead against it.....i was in a relationship with a "normal" man for fifteen years........i was loyal and had a never give up mentality.......not so good......because that included copping abuse and infidelity...which were two things that sent me insane........made me feel worthless and a burden this i know, you are worth more than whatever history or past you have that things happen and the only way we can spin them positive is to use them to learn.....not a lesson....but coping skills..... yes....... you will find the person who is right for you when you are right with the person that you are....never give up because you are worth it....dark days are necessary....so when the light hits you shining bright in tomorrow.....you appreciate the light more than someoen who hasnt experienced dark days....I wish you light an dlove and happiness in your life free from addiction ..one motto i have.......there is always a tomorrow...no matter how dark yesterday was...the sun always sets there....and comes up again...tomorrow....best wishes....(((hugs))))..deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_but_trying Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 Thank you so much Deb. Everything you said hit home, really really hard. Your response was just what I needed at just the right time and it got me through my afternoon. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Thank you so much Deb. Everything you said hit home, really really hard. Your response was just what I needed at just the right time and it got me through my afternoon. Thank you, thank you, thank you! you are welcome.....i am glad i could cheer you up a little...hugs....deb Link to post Share on other sites
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