We're both married, but talk every day. What IS this? An affair? GUYS,your input pls

[beetlebug]

My very complex (sorry if long) story...

 

Met this guy in 2000 at my job. He lives on west coast, me on the east. We both were engaged to be married that year, but on a business trip out here, the chemistry between us was weird...j

 

Fast forward 2 years later to 2002 - we work closely together over the 2 years as colleagues, lots of flirting via email and phone. Then there's another business trip. This time, the looks and the 'heat' was undeniable. My boss noticed the way he was looking at me so I know I'm not imaginating thing since I never told her about this whole "thing". Nothing happens, but I continue to be confused and very drawn to this guy, even though I am MARRIED. Then he leaves the company and goes to another. I thought we'd be done as friends, but no. We continue to stay in touch...

 

Fast forward again to the present - and we are still in touch. Now, we IM every day and have at least a one hour conversation. The flirting, easier done on IM... has been intense. And it's more intense when his wife is out of town on business. Not long ago in a teasing moment, I said I had to tell him something. (I just wanted to tell him that I know it's wrong, but I dig him.) So he proceeds to say, "I know, you have a crush on me." Well, I wanted to die. I said, "huh?" He IMs back, "just kidding, but what did you want to tell me?" Well, I know he knew.. just wanted me to say it -- so I spilled the beans. Told him everything. And I mean everything. It felt good to get it off my chest. I told him how the minute I saw him, and met him in person, I had butterflies... and how I remember thinking, this can't be right, I'm getting married in a few months! I ignored those feelings, but still can't help them.

 

He has been confiding to me over the past year about his marriage -- they have been in therapy for his wrongdoings.. nothing extra-marital he tells me, but just being insensitive, etc. He also tells me that she never wants kids which he knew when he got married, but he is always saying how "cool" it must be to have a little one. (I have a 2 year old boy).

 

Now the hairy stuff... Just by sheer, horrific coincidence, BOTH our mothers were diagnosed with late stage cancers, within a year of each other. His, last fall, mine, just 7 weeks ago. My mother has lost her battle and is resting comfortably at home under hospice care, where she will die peacefully. It has been a horrible time for both of us, needless to say. And my husband, sadly, has not been emotionally available for me. I am not sure he understands the seriousness of it, if you can believe that. Or how she looks - just horrible, just a tough time for me. The other guy does understand and I find comfort talking to him about it, whereas my husband can't talk about it and talks about work all the time.

 

My friend comes out here often to see his family - and it is inevitable that we will get together for coffee or something. Even before our mothers were ill... he continued this thing knowing very well how attracted I was of him. He also admitted that it has been a tremendous boost to his "already inflated ego". I suppose that could be true.

 

But guys out there -- I need your take on this? I don't want to lose him as a friend. Ever. I love my husband, but we have our sex issues... and this guy, the west coast guy - makes me giddy.

 

What do you think is going on here? besides me being very messed up?

[Adunaphel]

Hi beetlebug,

 

I am not a guy but I'm replying anyway.

 

I am sorry to hear you are this messed up, and I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It must have been a very hard period for you.

 

You might not have been technically cheating, but emotional cheating is bad enough.

 

This guy might seem wonderful to you, but consider that:

- he is married

-

He has been confiding to me over the past year about his marriage -- they have been in therapy for his wrongdoings.. nothing extra-marital he tells me, but just being insensitive, etc.

 

Instead of trying hard to work out problems in his marriage - problems that he himself caused in the first place!!!- he is looking around and flirting with another lady (that is, you).

 

Now, we IM every day and have at least a one hour conversation.

 

He used to be insensitive with his wife....he's been in therapy for it....why he is not spending at least an hour a day having nice conversation with his wife instead that with you??? His wife is not probably getting the attention she needs because he's too busy giving attention to you.

 

Even before our mothers were ill... he continued this thing knowing very well how attracted I was of him. He also admitted that it has been a tremendous boost to his "already inflated ego".

 

this is a red flag too.

 

It's sad that your husband has been emotionally unavailable for you when you most needed him , that must have been really tough. I feel for you.

 

I can understand why you started being attracted to the other guy in first place.

 

Yet, you are putting your marriage in danger.

 

By spending so much time talking with this guy, you are taking something away from your marriage.

The more you hear from him, the more distant you'll probably become to your husband.

Talking to him makes you feel better, but it is nocive to you in the long run.

 

Feeling giddy is wonderful, having 'butterflies in your stomach might make you feel very 'alive', and absolutely happy....yet meanwhile your chances of getting hurt by this guy are increasing, and you are drifting more and more away from your husband, even if you might not realize it.

 

Hard as it might be, I think you really should stop communicating with this guy, and try to work out issues in your marriage instead.

 

I don't want to lose him as a friend. Ever.

 

Perhaps you will be able to be friends in future, if some day there will be not romantic feelings on either part. But the wiser thing to do would be cutting off contact with him for the time being.

Right now he is not really being a friend.

 

Have you tried to communicate to your husband that you'd need more support from him? Apart from his being emotionally unavailable-which is a pretty bad problem alone- is he treating you well?

perhaps counseling might be of help?

[beetlebug]

Yes.. my husband is treating me well. Just the sex isn't so good, and never really was. I figured, that's not what people get married for anyways...

 

The MM turns me on -- I would seriously jump his bones if we were both single - and he's not overly great looking either, it's just a sex appeal about him I find intriguing. I don't know why I can't help myself, and I love talking to him. I guess because he fills me with something - what, I'm not sure.

[Devildog]

Did you feel the "butterflies" with your husband early on in your relationship? Those feelings will always fade away in a long term relationship. Is your husband even aware that you spend an hour a day talking to this other guy? Have you told him you have "butterflies" over this other guy? If not, why not? Because you know it is wrong perhaps?