I think I have to let go... For real

[Its_MEE]

So many of you know my story... Very textbook as Pierre would say.. I'm starting to believe him. I need to read this manual.

 

At first glance, I look like a beautiful, exotic, intelligent, successful, has her ish together kinda gir (modest...i know. lol) l...... Welp.... I feel defeated inside.

 

DDAY 51 days ago.... W, MM, and I met about a month ago. He said we were done in front of her... 4 days later he apologized a million times and told me that he couldn't bare to be without me. That he realized his mistake. That he was asking her to separate......

 

Present: NOTHING!

 

Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. No moves have been made. Just a lot of talking. We met up a few times... Trying to come to some resolution... Make some sort of action plan... But nothing. He has been honest in asking that I be a little patient..

He isn't evil. He isn't purposely doing this. He's just f'ed up.

 

Anyways... He showed up at my house unannounced on Saturday. Although it was a happy surprise because I wasn't expecting it. It bothered me. I told him today to not look for me anymore. Told him that I really, honestly, and truly need him to keep his distance a little bit. Told him that even though seeing him was great, breadcrumbs only make things worse for both of us. That he truly needs to let me go and find me once this sht is cleared up and if I'm still available than maybe we'll work it out. I said that we both have to make the conscious decision to seriously put a stop to this.

 

A lot of you probably think I am insane. I hear insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.. Well.. Here I am. Repeating that I am going cold turkey.

 

He said he is still going to separate. He says he honestly doesn't know why he hasn't done it.... Whatever.... To top it off... His anniversary is this weekend. Talk about losing my f'ing mind over here.

 

I am so FED UP. I mean I feel like I could vomit the emotions. I feel like screaming. But I have surprisingly not cried for a few days. I dyed my hair, got it styled... Because I'm going to Dominican Republic on MONDAY!!! Best timing for this vacation!

 

I just don't believe him anymore....

[Mount]

What I can say here is that, Affair, especially the waiting game for OW (hoping MM to leave marriage), is like a grinder. With the extension of the time, the affair/grinder will crush (torture) OW (mentally and physically eventually) into piece to piece, to power, to nothing at the end.

 

So you figure.

[Goodbye]

I've been wondering what happened after he told you he was leaving her. I'm so sorry it was just more false promises. I'm sure he is torn, and sometimes the "easiest" side wins...and it seems staying would be easier.

 

I really hope you can enjoy your trip. Indulge and try to give yourself a fresh start. I hope you come home knowing you deserve better and lay down the law with him that he is NOT to contact you anymore as a married man.

[Goodbye]

Its Mee...I'd be tempted to tell the W that her H contacted you several times after the "big confrontation" and told you he wanted you and planned to separate. I know that sounds vengeful and perhaps it is. However, I feel like he has led two woman astray in a very big way. Would you ever consider this?

[seren]

It's Mee, when I read your post and past posts the thing that jumps out is that the MM is setting the agenda for your relationship. Words are cheap and easy to say, yet we (general) always want to believe those we love and believe loves us back, actions are what matter and it sounds like there has been little of that other than to hurt you by telling you infront of his BS that it was over. Then he calls back, apologises and it all begins again. Were I his BS I would be doubly peed off, at the lies and false R, but also that he didn't have the balls to be honest and that he covered his back by hurting the OW. Yes I am an XBS, but I would never enable my H to badmouth the OW, nor to cause anymore hurt to anyone just to ensure he could have an easy out.

 

What do you want? do you believe him when he says he is leaving or is there doubt? I get that leaving a marriage is hard, (I've had 2 divorces before meeting H) but they happen every day and people make new lives. I hope you let the BS know he is falsely reconciling, I also hope you think about what that means and what he will be doing to assure her that he is where he wants to be (even if it isn't). I don't say this to hurt, sounds like you are hurt enough, but I hope you think about what your agenda is, what works for you and what you need him to do. On D day and when planning to reconcile a BS tells the WS what they need them to do and usually, if they don't follow through then they are toast. I hope you do this and tell him to sort himself out and then come find you. Hurt is hurt and lies are lies, no matter who is being hurt or lied to, that a person uses love to get away with it is pretty crap. Take care.

[Nattie]

Dominican Republic = hot islanders... there are worse places you could go to comfort yourself Have fun!!!!

[DelusionalOne]

Mee, the one thing I have figured out in all this is that there is no half way and there is no way MM is going to do anything. It's all on you. If you are done... Be done...all the way. You will be starting in a new branch soon so that will make it easier. Until then, he gets treated like any other co-worker... That's it. I don't know about you but I don't discuss personal things with my co-workers. There is a certain behavior towards coworkers. That's where he is now. For a while you really have to fake it until you make it. But I can honestly say... Being almost 5 months out... It seems normal now. I have my twinges and triggers like everyone else but they don't consume me. I know some will tell you to tell the wife... In my opinion, why bother? She didn't do anything before that stopped him, she won't do anything now. Conduct yourself with dignity and grace and let him be her problem. The end.

[whichwayisup]

I just don't believe him anymore....

And you shouldn't. You know the A is over and him contacting you is because there are feelings still. He can't make himself just up and say goodbye to you, he's weaning himself off you bit by bit.

 

His wife will probably find out about the bits of contact, tell him basically go total NC or let's divorce.

 

He is messed up, so now you need to protect yourself and being the strong one, avoiding him and staying NC mode....Aka ignoring him.

[grassisorisntgreener]

My guess, is he is at home, not making any moves, and probably being distant, hoping that she gets fed up and leaves. He doesn't want to be with her, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He loves you, but he can't grow a set of balls to make the moves necessary to be with you.

 

I am him, only a female version.

[Pierre]

So many of you know my story... Very textbook as Pierre would say.. I'm starting to believe him. I need to read this manual.

 

At first glance, I look like a beautiful, exotic, intelligent, successful, has her ish together kinda gir (modest...i know. lol) l...... Welp.... I feel defeated inside.

 

DDAY 51 days ago.... W, MM, and I met about a month ago. He said we were done in front of her... 4 days later he apologized a million times and told me that he couldn't bare to be without me. That he realized his mistake. That he was asking her to separate......

 

Present: NOTHING!

 

Nothing has happened. Nothing has changed. No moves have been made. Just a lot of talking. We met up a few times... Trying to come to some resolution... Make some sort of action plan... But nothing. He has been honest in asking that I be a little patient..

He isn't evil. He isn't purposely doing this. He's just f'ed up.

 

Anyways... He showed up at my house unannounced on Saturday. Although it was a happy surprise because I wasn't expecting it. It bothered me. I told him today to not look for me anymore. Told him that I really, honestly, and truly need him to keep his distance a little bit. Told him that even though seeing him was great, breadcrumbs only make things worse for both of us. That he truly needs to let me go and find me once this sht is cleared up and if I'm still available than maybe we'll work it out. I said that we both have to make the conscious decision to seriously put a stop to this.

 

A lot of you probably think I am insane. I hear insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.. Well.. Here I am. Repeating that I am going cold turkey.

 

He said he is still going to separate. He says he honestly doesn't know why he hasn't done it.... Whatever.... To top it off... His anniversary is this weekend. Talk about losing my f'ing mind over here.

 

I am so FED UP. I mean I feel like I could vomit the emotions. I feel like screaming. But I have surprisingly not cried for a few days. I dyed my hair, got it styled... Because I'm going to Dominican Republic on MONDAY!!! Best timing for this vacation!

 

I just don't believe him anymore....

 

Yes, it is textbook. And this roller coaster can last for a few years. IN the mean time you will miss dating many great single men that come your way. Then, it will be too late and all the good guys will be married.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Pierre

[Its_MEE]

My guess, is he is at home, not making any moves, and probably being distant, hoping that she gets fed up and leaves. He doesn't want to be with her, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He loves you, but he can't grow a set of balls to make the moves necessary to be with you.

 

I am him, only a female version.

 

This is EXACTLY what is going on. I know it. I've said it. But I find this to be a HUGE problem. And like I said to him.. "How do you think it will make me feel when she finally leaves (cuz it'll happen) and you come running to me. I'll only have you thanks to her. You didn't make the decision. You don't choose me. I won by default." Not cool....

 

To answer the question whether it not i would send her another message.. NO. Never. I don't ever wish to speak to her again. It would do no pod. I've told her enough. Telling her as much as I did was already WAY out of character for me. Yeah she deserves o know. But. I'm not doing it. I am SURE she knows me and him still communicate.

 

I have to heal... I'm so angry today.

[Goodbye]

Mee, the one thing I have figured out in all this is that there is no half way and there is no way MM is going to do anything. It's all on you. If you are done... Be done...all the way. You will be starting in a new branch soon so that will make it easier. Until then, he gets treated like any other co-worker... That's it. I don't know about you but I don't discuss personal things with my co-workers. There is a certain behavior towards coworkers. That's where he is now. For a while you really have to fake it until you make it. But I can honestly say... Being almost 5 months out... It seems normal now. I have my twinges and triggers like everyone else but they don't consume me. I know some will tell you to tell the wife... In my opinion, why bother? She didn't do anything before that stopped him, she won't do anything now. Conduct yourself with dignity and grace and let him be her problem. The end.

 

 

True Delusional. The past has shown she is a BS who just wants to keep him...no matter what.

 

 

IM, anger is the right emotion. Can you tell him you are done and go NC?

[jlola]

Yes, it is textbook. And this roller coaster can last for a few years. IN the mean time you will miss dating many great single men that come your way. Then, it will be too late and all the good guys will be married.

 

But she is now addicted to the emotional roller coaster he provides. A "normal" man will bore her and have her pinning for the MM and drama. She now has taught herself to associate love with pain. THIS is why you do not knowingly involve yourself in situations which will create drama. It messes with your head and messes you up for normal people. After getting off the roller coaster,the merry-go-round will not do.

[jlola]

My guess, is he is at home, not making any moves, and probably being distant, hoping that she gets fed up and leaves. He doesn't want to be with her, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He loves you, but he can't grow a set of balls to make the moves necessary to be with you.

 

I am him, only a female version.

 

 

He doesn't leave because HE does not want to look like the bad guy. He wants to finger point at her when the family and friends ask what happened. BS is now the "bad guy" who would not give him a chance. Also, he does not leave because in case he decides to go back home, he has a much better in. "I never wanted to leave you" "You kicked me out":( is much better than shutting the door in her face and saying " do not want you".

 

It still boggles my mind he came along with her to speak with you. Told you in front of his wife it was over and you still allowed him back in. There is no greater disrespect. What a coward,selfish man. It's all about HIM and what is best for him.

 

How he could have allowed that to happen is beyond me. He had time to think about this when wife suggested it,time to think about it in the car, as he walked in restaurant,as he looked at you and STLL went ahead and told you it was over.

 

Start looking at him realistically. He is so self absorbed. "But he says all the right things". Of course he does. That is what self absorbed people do. hey tell you all you want to hear to keep you attached. Why you want this man puzzles me.

 

Please talk to a sister,a family member,a close friend or someone you trust. tell them the whole truth. they will be shocked you are putting up with this man. But you will not do that because you know in your heart noone who loves you will support this. Even if this man was single he has proven to have no integrity.

[sweet_pea]

True Delusional. The past has shown she is a BS who just wants to keep him...no matter what.

 

 

IM, anger is the right emotion. Can you tell him you are done and go NC?

 

I don't see what is wrong with a BS who wants to try and keep her marriage intact, especially if she's under the impression that he is remorseful and loves her and isn't having an affair anymore, etc.

 

Let's remember that HE is the one who hasn't left, that he is trying to keep his marriage no matter what.

 

...

 

IM, like everyone else said, it's definitely good that you are reaching the anger stage. You deserve more than this mess, and this mess of a guy. He's playing with your emotions, his wife's emotions... it's not right! I hope you can stay in NC, be strong & get well

[jlola]

I don't see what is wrong with a BS who wants to try and keep her marriage intact, especially if she's under the impression that he is remorseful and loves her and isn't having an affair anymore, etc.

 

Let's remember that HE is the one who hasn't left, that he is trying to keep his marriage no matter what.

 

 

Also remember he was willing to throw you in front of the bus with his wife present. No matter what he says to you, his very actions proved to her she was more important. BS must have felt very confident about her place in his heart to do that.HE makes her feel confident about his feelings, then he does the same to you. This man is very adapt with his words. You actually saw him and heard him discard you in front of his wife. Yet,he was skilled enough to talk himself back in. He is a master at manipulation and I am glad you are finally opening your eyes to this.

[DelusionalOne]

I don't see what is wrong with a BS who wants to try and keep her marriage intact, especially if she's under the impression that he is remorseful and loves her and isn't having an affair anymore, etc.

Well, that's an awful lot of assumptions to make 1 month out of an affair... It borders a bit on delusional. He must be a consummate liar to be able to convince his W of total remorse while still chasing AP with words of "I'm leaving her". Wow... BS is a lucky woman.

 

IM... Run... Do not walk to the nearest exit. Look at his actions... Not only to you but to BS. Is that REALLY what you want?

[Journee]

Well, that's an awful lot of assumptions to make 1 month out of an affair... It borders a bit on delusional. He must be a consummate liar to be able to convince his W of total remorse while still chasing AP with words of "I'm leaving her". Wow... BS is a lucky woman.

 

IM... Run... Do not walk to the nearest exit. Look at his actions... Not only to you but to BS. Is that REALLY what you want?

 

 

 

 

Really? Delusional? There were a lot of assumptions going the other direction to. Assumptions that IM cannot know for sure and can really only go on his word ,which at this point has no backing.

 

It is established that MM can lie. Why wouldn't he to save his skin? Is it better for IM to keep telling herself he feels one way or the other? In the mean time he has still not left. Even if his BS is this deluusional doormat ,he hasn't left. Coulda ,Woulda ,Shoulda.

 

Why is it expected that the BS has to pull the plug on the marriage? The BS has to make a decision the MM cannot? Why? The WS has just as much power to do so and apparently more reason with the love of his life on the other side..right?

 

BS has a much longer history with WS and I am sure he knows just what to say and do to manipulate her just as he has been doing in his affair with IM.

 

It's not fair to anyone and it sucks but calling the BS delusional for believing her WS isn't saying much for the AP that believes their MP. Why is one delusional and the other the adored? Both women are being mislead here in some kind of way. He is misrepresenting the facts to these women and it's not right.

[sweet_pea]

Well, that's an awful lot of assumptions to make 1 month out of an affair... It borders a bit on delusional. He must be a consummate liar to be able to convince his W of total remorse while still chasing AP with words of "I'm leaving her". Wow... BS is a lucky woman.

 

IM... Run... Do not walk to the nearest exit. Look at his actions... Not only to you but to BS. Is that REALLY what you want?

 

Oh, forget it. It's not worth it. All I will say is that I don't appreciate being called borderline delusional, especially since I was certainly not the only one making assumptions on this thread (but of course, I guess because you don't agree with my guess as to what he was doing-- since I certainly didn't say it was a fact, I'm delusional.)

 

Anywho, Journee says it all much better than I will even try!

Edited June 18, 2013 by sweet_pea
Not even gonna go there...

[DelusionalOne]

Ah... I didn't say that... Now go back and read slowly.

 

1 month out of the affair and W believes and trust her lying cheating husband again just because he said "I'm sorry"?!?! As a BS myself, I can assure you that didn't happen in my house! And if she does... Well finish that sentence yourself.

[DelusionalOne]

P.S. Sweet Pea... I didn't call YOU anything, unless of course you are IM, xAP BS. If that's the case you should identify yourself. If not, maybe you should say... Hey this isn't about me.

[sweet_pea]

Well, you didn't really specify that you were talking about the BS in her scenario. If you were, that's cool. All I see is you reply to my post, and I couldn't identify that you were talking about her in the first sentence. If so, it's all good!

[Journee]

Ah... I didn't say that... Now go back and read slowly.

 

1 month out of the affair and W believes and trust her lying cheating husband again just because he said "I'm sorry"?!?! As a BS myself, I can assure you that didn't happen in my house! And if she does... Well finish that sentence yourself.

 

 

Sweat Pea didn't speak in absolutes. She said the BS may "want" to R and may be "under the impression" that MM is remorseful. No believes or trusts without a doubt in there.

 

It can be either way and is terrible either way.

 

ItsMEE

 

 

I just wanna give you a hug. I am sorry for my T/J. Keep your head held high. I know it hurts.

[DelusionalOne]

Well, you didn't really specify that you were talking about the BS in her scenario. If you were, that's cool. All I see is you reply to my post, and I couldn't identify that you were talking about her in the first sentence. If so, it's all good!

 

I was speaking of the BS. Whether I agree or disagree I don't call people names and I try to refrain from personal attacks. My apologies if you took it that way.

[Praying4Peace]

Its MEE,

You sound healthy in that you know what to do. Of course implementation is trickier.

 

Go have a blast on your vacation.

 

As for him, who knows what is going to happen, what he wants, or what he means. The only thing you know is

 

1) It's out of your control (which isn't a bad thing, necessarily)

2) NOTHING will happen as long as you are in the picture.

 

I guarantee when he talks to you, he goes home and feels like a 'bad little boy' and the guilt kicks in and he is either nice or distant or doesn't feel like he can leave blah blah blah blah.

 

Let him fix his own life in whatever way he wants. He knows what's a stake. I wouldn't be angry or mean. Just say that he needs to be alone to sort out his feelings and it is wrong for you to interfere. He has all the info he needs about you and what being with you entails and what it's like (his pros and cons).

 

Just know you won't know whats going on and move on with your life. He could be staying, he could settle for easy, he could reconcile, he could be leaving (it takes a long time to do it in a manner where you aren't running back and forth).

 

Your hair sounds fabulous!