moving on ....

[micky]

I married young and believed that once married you were married for life good or bad , but now after my husbands betrayal , I can't seem to get past the fact that he didn't think about how it would effect our family that he says he loves dearly. I seem to be questioning everything, I mean I never even looked at another man for 10 years thinking that he was the love of my life and we would be togeather forever , we are seperated now and we are and at the point where we have to start all over, to me the worst thing he could have done was cheat on me , I had told him when we got married I could deal with anything but not that .

 

my question is :

 

Him doing something he knew would detroy what we have ,

 

Is it his way of saying he wants out ?

 

He now says he relizes what he had and wants it back , I think it may be to late , something died inside me that I can't seem to get back . Also I question the fact that it may be the children that he wants to stay for not me .

 

whats your opinion anyone ?

 

ps. I have asked him why he did it he has no answer .

[Tony T]

Most often, men cheat just for the sake of doing it. They love their wives with all their hearts. They are just human, fallible men who make serious errors just like little boys. Men are human. They get tempted. Even the President of the United States did it and lied about it before the whole nation yet his wife has seemingly forgiven him (maybe for convenience, who knows).

 

Cheating most often has nothing to do with the love a man has for his wife. It is just something that has gone on since the beginning of time. When your husband says he has no answer, I'm sure he's right. When he tells you he loves you and wants to mend this, I am certain he is sincere.

 

Even though betrayal is a traumatic hurt for the spouse who is betrayed, I'm beginning to feel like the inability to understand a partner's humanity is as much of a betrayal as the cheating itself.

 

His cheating has not destroyed you. Your reaction to it has. If you are able to get counselling...or just get some good communication lines with your husband, you can get through this. It takes the same open mindedness, respect, consideration, love, etc. that it requires to be married to begin with in order to get through a crisis of this nature.

 

Forgiving may be a lot easier than forgetting but you will certainly show the kind of great person you are if you can do both. If you can't, you have some growing to do.

 

Yeah, I know a lot of people will disagree with me. That's OK. I do not condone cheating at all. It sucks big time. But when it happens, as long as it's not a habitual thing, I think a lot of love, understanding, forgiveness and communication is called for and a marriage can survive.

[Rogue]

I really can't give you any solid advice about this. Do you want him back, if he's going to be faithful to you? That's the real question.

 

If you do decide you want him back ( which is a good idea because you're married with children) , don't make it easy for him to return. I'm saying this because it's human nature to take certain things for granted if they are acquired too easily. If you take him back, you must do it in such a way that he understands the true value of you and your family. There must be no doubt in your mind that you and the children are worth far more to him than any cheap fling!

 

I heard a story about something like this somewhere, but I can't remember where. There was a wife who was cheated on, and a husband who begged to allowed back. The wife stipulated that if the husband wanted to return he had to prove it. He had to live on his own for six months away from her,not seeing or dating anyone, no contact with his mistress of any kind forever. After six months of being lonely (and faithful to the wife), he could return back to the wife if he still wanted to. If the husband broke the rules in that six month period then there was no returning , forever.

 

This struck me as a good idea for many reasons.Firstly, the husband would have to prove his loyalty while lonely.You see, a big problem with adulterers is how they react when there is emotional friction or emotional distance with their spouses and they don't get the physical affection they crave for. They're usually loyal during the good times, but when bad times hit then there's a potential problem. So by being faithful while being lonely, a spouse learns to deal with bouts of loneliness himself, instead of running into the arms of a lover.

 

Secondly,it's important to gauge the husband's commitment to the family. If he was really serious about his commitment, six months of testing shouldn't deter him since he knows he will spend a lifetime with his family. If he thinks six months is too long, how will he feel after a few years from now?

 

Thirdly, the wife would also need a cooling off period of her own.This could be used as time to re-evaluate her family life and look for possible room for improvement. It will also give her time to miss her husband , since he probably has his good qualities as well ( he can't be all bad really).

 

Lastly, it's important for the husband to realize the gravity of his infidelity. It shouldn't be something that can be wiped away with a "Oops.I'm sorry.". He has to learn that the wife is dead serious, and the wife is WILLING to go it alone without him if she has to. He has to know that he will lose her if he's not faithful and no amount of apologizing will help him then.

 

Of course, all this is really just guidelines . It may not even be necessary to do ANY of it, or the whole six months, or whatever. I just mentioned it as a way to illusrate a possible solution to your problem. It may not be the best solution, or even a good solution.It may be a crappy idea for all I know.( I can't remember how it turned out in the end.) But you can sort of see some of the prinicples that should be covered in this type of situation. Maybe you can use it as a basis for a solution to you own problems? I don't know. Maybe you can listen what the others have to say.

[sparkle]

Rogue,

 

That sounds like a great idea! I'll have to keep this in mind, in case I ever get cheated on

 

Thanks!