Compliments and feeling valued

[Silly_Girl]

I was reading on a wedding forum and there were several posters who said their other halves are not forthcoming with compliments. The context came about because there were ladies wishing their man would make a speech, in which he'd say lovely things about her, and the guys were refusing to.

 

Shyness, reluctance about speech-making I totally get. But not receiving compliments.... The thought really stuck with me. I don't need a fan club in my fiancé but knowing when he thinks I look good, or hearing things he appreciates/likes about me is a lovely, positive thing. And it encourages more of the same.

 

Are some people just not able to put themselves out there like that and just be complimentary about the one they love? Have you experienced this? How do you react?

[Els]

I think this is part of the 5 Love Languages deal - some people just express themselves primarily via other means than verbal compliments. This may or may not be an issue depending on what the other person needs in order to feel loved.

[kamani]

[quote name=

Are some people just not able to put themselves out there like that and just be complimentary about the one they love? Have you experienced this? How do you react?[/quote]

 

I complement my husband a lot and like to be complimented a lot. My husband never did it, not that he doesn't value me or love me. He is programmed not to 'complement' anybody.

 

I had a co-worker who complimented me a lot (never on outfits, appearance etc.) and was extremely delighted when I did so. Finally I began falling hard for him. I spared two marriages from a big mess, by discussing things with my husband.

 

Of course 'compliments' were not the main reason, there were many other reasons. However I'm sure 'compliments' played a big role.

 

Now my husband compliments me a lot and we are happier.

[Thegameoflife]

I always thought feeding a woman's vaine desire for compliments was a better panty remover than lemon Gin.

[Zapbasket]

A friend of mine just last night told me about something she and her husband have been doing. Two years ago, she jokingly told him she wanted one compliment per day. He's a writer who loves challenges like this. Well, since that day, he has missed only two days and writes the compliments in a log, one each day.

 

Pretty awesome, huh?

 

I agree about love languages. Some people just feel it's not necessary to show someone you love them by paying them a verbal compliment. Some people are more comfortable with touch and gestures than with words. The *feeling* might be there, but the way of expressing it might not be in the form of a spoken compliment.

[MissBee]

I think this is part of the 5 Love Languages deal - some people just express themselves primarily via other means than verbal compliments. This may or may not be an issue depending on what the other person needs in order to feel loved.

 

This is true.

 

I think it's soo important to date people whose love language is compatible with your own or who at least are willing to learn yours and you theirs.

 

I enjoy compliments and words of affection so I wouldn't do well with dating someone who wasn't very expressive. I have dated a guy who was not expressive, who in fact, after giving compliments would say "Don't expect it too often" . I cut that short, as he turned out o be very insecure, which was part of his reason for not being free with compliments. He felt like he didn't want me to feel "too good for him"....wtf???

[xxoo]

My husband is definitely NOT inclined to give verbal compliments. I remember that bothered me sometimes in my 20s.

 

But I started to better understand and appreciate the many ways he shows his admiration. He buys me clothing because he likes the way it looks on me, he keeps photos of me on his computer, phone and desk, he makes art in my image, he squeezes my hand at the appropriate moment during sappy love songs. He does everything except say "You are beautiful" to convey that he thinks I'm beautiful. He's simply more action than words.

[pink_sugar]

My husband gives verbal comments about my appearance, but I wish he'd verbalize appreciation for the things I do for him, because I feel very unappreciated right now that I do more for him than he does for me.

[MissBee]

compliment her too much and she'll run

 

 

This is true...ONLY when I don't know you well. When I have just met a man and he tells me I'm beautiful 6 times in less than 30 minutes, it is a red flag for me and guys like that are always a bit clingy and crazy, IME. So I joke about it, but am also serious, that I don't trust any man who over-compliments and will indeed run away.

 

However, if we're in a relationship, you can't compliment me too much personally. I think one of my exes, the one I ran away from, had the mentality that he could keep me his and on a leash if he didn't compliment me a lot...wellll....I left him. He was clearly insecure and showed it in other behaviors, where he essentially didn't want me to be aware of my worth, for fear that I'd do better than him smh...it was borderline an abusive attitude and good thing I knew my worth so cut him off once I realized he was stingy with compliments for that reason.

[tbf]

I think this is part of the 5 Love Languages deal - some people just express themselves primarily via other means than verbal compliments. This may or may not be an issue depending on what the other person needs in order to feel loved.

Exactly this. It also depends on the pattern of compliments. If they're all focused on looks, it's pretty obvious what the individual values about you.

[Esoteric Elf]

I would not say that it as much about feeding a woman's ego as it is providing verbal assurance that she is loved and doing it in a way she finds tasteful. She, actions are preferred to words; but, especially in the presence of others, if the man is at least somewhat doting, it shows he is unashamedly attached to her.

 

However, some people have their modes of expression. Hopefully if words are lacking, action better damn well make up for it.

 

I heard from a radio personality once that women should be complimented twice a week. Unless my memory fails me, it has been twelve or so years since I received a compliment, so it isn't necessary, but pleasant.

[Silly_Girl]

 

This is true...ONLY when I don't know you well. When I have just met a man and he tells me I'm beautiful 6 times in less than 30 minutes, it is a red flag for me and guys like that are always a bit clingy and crazy, IME. So I joke about it, but am also serious, that I don't trust any man who over-compliments and will indeed run away.

 

That's the difference between flattery and being complimentary. To my mind a compliment is sincere, and spontaneous and meaningful.

 

Flattery is a turn-off.

[Thegameoflife]

I would not say that it as much about feeding a woman's ego as it is providing verbal assurance that she is loved and doing it in a way she finds tasteful. She, actions are preferred to words; but, especially in the presence of others, if the man is at least somewhat doting, it shows he is unashamedly attached to her.

 

Why do women need verbal assurance? When we compliment a women, it's the acknowledgment of her insecurities, acceptance of them, and an offer to quell them with words. Frees her of a burden.

[Els]

he squeezes my hand at the appropriate moment during sappy love songs

 

Hahahah yes, this!

 

I suspect the bf is a 40-yo soul in disguise, the way he croons 70s and 80s love songs to me while clasping my hands...