Need someone to listen..control issue??

[sbc91]

Ok, so im new here and im desperately seeking advice. I have been engaged for about 3 months now. When my fiancé and I first met, everything was perfect. Almost too good to be true. Things moved very fast, and that is unusual for me to move so fast. He was charming, and just the dream guy a girl wants.

I have always been the type of girl to wear makeup, not heavy makeup but light makeup on my eyes. I never dressed like a whore. Months into our relationship, he claimed he did not want me to wear makeup because im more beautiful without it. And he also started to tell me that he does not want me to leave the house in shorts when im not with him. At first, I thought it was ok, he was just being protective. Lately, I have been feeling like he manipulates me, which is basically controlling me right? He manipulated me, and I ended up throwing my makeup away. After that, he eventually came home and allowed me to put some on that he ended up buying. He expected me to throw it away, and when I didn't, he got very upset. Like crying and stuff. So after that stint, he got me to throw it away again. He makes me feel like I should do things like that for him if I love him like I say I do. Im not happy at all, because I feel like ive changed as a person and living for him. He claims since we are engaged, that I should only live for him. But I feel that if I want to wear makeup I can. He also forbids me from drinking red bulls, coffee, wearing certain things without him, etc.

He isn't mean about things, he just gets upset and makes me feel guilty. So I give in. Is this my fault, or is this how marriage is?? I am 22, and he is 36. Big age difference. He refers to himself as daddy sometimes, and I read before that it signifies sense of control. Maybe im overreacting. I thought that men who control woman are very mean and aggressive, and he is opposite. Please help....im sorry I wrote a lot and maybe its all jumbled together. He will be home soon, and definitely cannot see this!

[todreaminblue]

I think you have to decide what is more important to you...engaged after three months is pretty fast...you dont really know the guy yet.....

 

as far as make up and clothing goes...i am going to get slammed on here for this probably....but my ex didnt like me wearing make up...so i didnt.......if he didnt like the clothes i was wearing, there was normally a good reason and i would wear something that he did like, most of the time, i knew what he liked anyway......because his eyes would light up......i was not out to impress anyone if i wanted to impress anyone it would have been him.....when i am in a relationship...the guy i am with is more important than what i wear or what make up i have on......especially if i were planning on marrying the guy.......

 

i think you should feel comfortable in the relationship and going without certain things doesnt seem to make you that way....so ....decide what is most important to you.....what it is you really cant live without.......and i wish you luck...i think this relationship has moved too fast for you to just settle and get to know him and for him to really know you........i wish you the best...deb

[loveunlimited]

Control doesn't have to be aggressive, it can be manipulative which is exactly what he is doing to you. I have read somewhere on here that the brain doesn't fully develop its logical circuits until you reach the age of 25+plus, so with no insult intended you are too young to contemplate marriage to a man 14 years your senior. the reason he can manipulate you so easily is because you are very impressionable and young and your brain is not capable of rationalizing everything logically. In your shoes I would run a mile duckie, and not be open to this. He will without doubt beg, plead, and try to manipulate you into going back to him. he may get angry and call you bad things then apologise. And he will play on your emotions to feel sorry for him and give in. DON'T! If you think he is controlling now, you have no idea he will be 100 times worse when you marry because he will really take on the role of 'father figure' and I'm sure you already have parents! If you get on well with your mum and dad tell them you want to come home, and go home. It will be the best place for you and they can help you resist his manipulative ways.

 

(Edited to add can someone find the link to the information about the brain development? I can't remember where I saw it. )

Edited June 18, 2013 by loveunlimited
Asking members to find a link.

[CC12]

He isn't mean about things, he just gets upset and makes me feel guilty. So I give in. Is this my fault, or is this how marriage is??

 

No, it's not just "how marriage is." Not at all.

 

I think it's maybe a popular misconception that abuse looks a certain way, as if it only qualifies as abuse if he or she is really mean and aggressive and yells at you and hits you. There are actually a lot of forms of abuse, and a lot of times, the abuse is really subtle. Sometimes the abuse doesn't take the form of yelling or aggression, it takes the form of guilt trips and manipulation. And then it ramps up to where you find yourself no longer allowed to wear makeup or shorts or drink caffeine, unless he gives you permission.

 

There is something wrong with the way he treats you. It's not your fault that he's like this and you're not overreacting at all. I want to urge you to break up with this guy and be free of him completely, but I understand if you're not ready for that yet. At least please do a lot of research about abusive relationships so that you can recognize what's going on and maybe mitigate the damage it's going to cause you.

 

Take care of yourself.

[TouchedSoul]

A controlling person has issues with oneself and not with you. Run away as fast as you can from such a person.

[M30USA]

If controlling your makeup/clothing is your worst issue, then consider yourself lucky. There's no abuse, either verbal or physical, and the guy clearly isn't a crackpot. Be aware that online, people are eager to advise that you rip apart relationships for virtually any reason. Spouse doesn't have feet that smell like flowers? Run for the hills! Honestly, the control of makeup/clothes is something that can be worked out. I see nothing related to abuse.

 

Keep in mind that my ex was as controlling and manipulative as they come. But it wasn't the control itself that made us divorce.

[jennaflorrie]

He is controlling you....no it is not abuse yet, but you have only known him a short time.

 

Compare my H control issues.....I went out with a nice blouse on, when I came back he didn't like me wearing it so he ripped it apart, in front of our 2 year old son.

 

He didn't like me going out with some friends so he STAMPED on his daughters farmhouse....threw plate of food on the floor with 4 year old daughter sat on his lap.

 

Didn't want me to drive and threatened to divorce me if I did. I did anyway and sadly he didn't divorce me.

 

He didn't want my family around and was rude to them when they came around.

 

If it is just make up....I still say be careful! This could be the start of BIGGER control issues. It always starts off small.

 

He wants to keep you all for himself, which is a male reaction BUT, there is a line between encouraging you to wear something HE likes and demanding and crying when you wear a bit of lip gloss or a pair of shorts!

 

My H was controlling about clothes. Nothing see through. Don't show your bra straps. No short skirts, not even above the knee. It was all to do with HIS fear and his viewing of me as his property.

 

Take your time with this man. Don't marry him until you are absolutely sure that you will not live to regret the day you say I DO.

[M30USA]

He is controlling you....no it is not abuse yet, but you have only known him a short time.

 

Compare my H control issues.....I went out with a nice blouse on, when I came back he didn't like me wearing it so he ripped it apart, in front of our 2 year old son.

 

He didn't like me going out with some friends so he STAMPED on his daughters farmhouse....threw plate of food on the floor with 4 year old daughter sat on his lap.

 

Didn't want me to drive and threatened to divorce me if I did. I did anyway and sadly he didn't divorce me.

 

He didn't want my family around and was rude to them when they came around.

 

If it is just make up....I still say be careful! This could be the start of BIGGER control issues. It always starts off small.

 

He wants to keep you all for himself, which is a male reaction BUT, there is a line between encouraging you to wear something HE likes and demanding and crying when you wear a bit of lip gloss or a pair of shorts!

 

My H was controlling about clothes. Nothing see through. Don't show your bra straps. No short skirts, not even above the knee. It was all to do with HIS fear and his viewing of me as his property.

 

Take your time with this man. Don't marry him until you are absolutely sure that you will not live to regret the day you say I DO.

 

Your H definitely illustrated the fact that ALL abuse springs from the need for control. A certain degree of controlling tendencies is normal for all people--otherwise you wouldn't pay bills and work, etc. But when the control is on people to the point where you get violent in order to keep that control, then that is a problem which should end a relationship.

[spiderowl]

It's very controlling. He has no business telling you what make up you should or shouldn't wear. He's trying to control you by crying. The guy has serious issues. He sounds very insecure. Perhaps the age gap is making him extra insecure because he may be thinking you'll spot someone your own age and be attracted to them. I can't see this getting better really, sorry. What happens if you steadfastly refuse to be told what to do/wear? Have you tried discussing how you feel he's being controlling?

 

Has it occurred to you that he may be attracted to much younger women because he feels he will have a better chance of being able to control them?