why does my heart feel so bad...

[Sarabi]

Channelling Moby in my title

Apologies this will be a little long for me...but sometimes I find it helps to talk. Lol.

Well...since march. We have had some contact but hardly seen each other. He went away for a month with his family. Had some issues with inlaws...& said some things about his primary relationship which surprised me...but anyway, since being back we saw each other twice I think. So...in three months nothing much.

 

Anyway...in light of all the texting and emailing and here and there contact, I plucked up the courage to say that enough was enough It wasn't fair on his wife, didn't he think we should stop. No more hiding no more secrets etc...well he said that he felt bad about keeping secrets from her and hiding and for causing me pain and he really wanted to make me happy but he felt I deserved so much more....

 

Well...my big speech face to face didn't really work because I just started crying and he said he would miss me and the stuff we talk about etc. He said he'd never seen me so emotional before...

Anyway. After that day, we were meant to meet but he let me down, so I sent a message last week saying that we should just stop once and for all. No more emails, texts, calls, meetings, pretending that he loves me etc. I wished him luck and told him he should go and live his perfect life with his family. I told him he was lucky. He could go back to what he really wanted. And of course he could commit himself to it 100% instead of being half in half out...

I apologised for everything I ever did to the two of them, although I suppose its irrelevant because I am not saying it to her directly when she is the one who really needs it.

 

I said because I still have feelings for him, we couldn't be friends because I would find it too painful and I don't want to be reminded all the time by a so called "friendship" that I am not good enough for someone. I also don't want to see how happy they are without me. Not that I don't wish them happiness...but I don't need to see it.

I know some people believe that that is not necessarily the case, he too. He told me that just because a relationship doesn't end the way you want it to it doesn't mean that one person was not good enough for the other and plenty of exes can be friends. This is true...but I don't feel I can be friends with him. Besides, it never worked. He said many times before he would just be "a friend" and then the talk would always turn intimate and eventually we would go back to whatever happened before.

I told him I wanted to get him out of my head and heart and just...get on with whatever is left to do in life. He asked why I didn't want to be friends. I said what is the point in a friend you are ashamed of? Who you can't see openly who you have to hide...he got upset with me and asked why I thought it was all negative. Did I never believe someone could love me and why did I think he was not sincere...? He said he had always tried to show me as much love as possible but from time to time I got too moody and he didn't know what to do or how to feel.

I asked him if that was the kind of "love" he wanted it to be. He loves me and yet I am alone all the time. Not being able to be open. Always being sad and being scared. Being scared to be caught. Never knowing when you would see the person...not knowing if they were alive or dead and not being able to talk to them if you needed help. He said he saw my point.

I also said that I felt I was getting too angry and upset all the time because I was placing too many expectations on him...and he didn't realise. I don't always want to be crying and upset and angry.

 

I don't know why I feel so sad about it. So inadequate. So rubbish(!) as if I have lost something. As if I am worth nothing...but what have I lost? Someone who doesn't give a damn and can fall back on his perfect relationship and image of the most perfect husband/family etc.?

I am trying to tell myself it all meant nothing and that for him it was just an ego boost/bit of fun on the side otherwise how will I forget it? If I believe that he cared...that is like having hope...and what is the point in that?

 

He has everything he wants...and as usual like all other Y chromosomed things in the world I encounter, it is not me.

 

I keep trying to figure out...am I repulsive? Am I not smart enough? Do I have no admirable or interesting qualities/talents? Not pretty enough? Not tall/short enough? Not skinny enough? Not earning enough? Not well spoken enough? Not religious enough? Hair too short? Skin too dark/light..? I don't know.

What makes me so hideous that a man cannot ever want me? For good reasons I mean, not just for rubbish behind his wife's back or fwb. I give up trying to understand but obviously, I must have something very wrong with me...

 

Honestly. I currently feel that until God decides my fate...I hope never, ever to meet anyone and have any kind of romantic attachment with them ever again.

Ugh...

 

(P.S. thanks for listening to/reading my rant. The next few weeks/months will be filled with many cups of hot sweet tea)

[Nattie]

I don't think it has anything to do with you, from what I've gathered, 95% of the time, they always fall back on that secure comfortable home life. I don't think it means he doesn't care, but if you've allowed him to have both, why would he choose and open that massive can of worms? I think the next few weeks will be more interesting than you expect, because even though he has that home life, something tells me he's not walking away from you that easily...

[Silly_Girl]

Love that track. Love it!

 

That's all. Now to read your post

[WakingUp]

The main thing I want to say is, don't be so hard on yourself!

 

You are obviously an intelligent, thoughtful and loving gorgeous girl!

 

I know first hand where you are emotionally. And its just awful.

 

But be proud you are getting out! Think of the potential your life holds without this dead weight to carry. Stand tall and just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

 

And don't let him mess you about. Don't get dragged back in. I also know this first hand. It doesn't get better, it doesnt change.

 

The only change you will see is the change you make yourself.

 

Don't be down on yourself, and don't think that you don't matter either.

 

Because you do!

 

(((Hugs))))

[Silly_Girl]

No. No. No, no, no, no. NO!

 

It is NOT about not good enough. It's not a competition as to who's most worthy.

 

Sounds like deep down you have a good handle on things. But your heart is still reacting to the many, understandable triggers.

 

You're right that trying to be friends is unhelpful/impossible.

 

And, I implore you, do NOT leave your relationship fate up to 'god'. You're the only one who can and will make the changes that lead to happiness

 

Keep your chin up, you're doing grand!

[Sarabi]

I don't think it has anything to do with you, from what I've gathered, 95% of the time, they always fall back on that secure comfortable home life. I don't think it means he doesn't care, but if you've allowed him to have both, why would he choose and open that massive can of worms? I think the next few weeks will be more interesting than you expect, because even though he has that home life, something tells me he's not walking away from you that easily...

 

There is nothing wrong with his choice. I wish them the very best and hope they get everything they want...

But if he wants it to be good he has to be good to her and if he is still talking to me, I feel that while the attention(bloody scraps you throw a puppy lol!) is nice...he's not really giving her 100%..is it fair on her ? Not really.

I also feel that he has a lot to lose and he needs to take it seriously...

I also wanted to put my foot down. Try and break this cycle of nonsensical, addictive behaviour...all self inflicted of course but well. He said I am an "all or nothing girl"...which is right. If he expects her to stay, he should be giving her and his marriage his all and leave me with nothing.

I mean...would he be happy to tell his wife he is friends with his ex OW? How would she feel!?!?

[Sarabi]

The main thing I want to say is, don't be so hard on yourself!

 

You are obviously an intelligent, thoughtful and loving gorgeous girl!

 

I know first hand where you are emotionally. And its just awful.

 

But be proud you are getting out! Think of the potential your life holds without this dead weight to carry. Stand tall and just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

 

And don't let him mess you about. Don't get dragged back in. I also know this first hand. It doesn't get better, it doesnt change.

 

The only change you will see is the change you make yourself.

 

Don't be down on yourself, and don't think that you don't matter either.

 

Because you do!

 

(((Hugs))))

 

Thanks for the hug

The key is making the change myself. Saying I want to stop and actually following through with stopping and making sure there is none of this ever again is key. Its too easy to get sucked back in but each time you try to get out its more painful than the last. I just want to know its done(!) and there is no going back.

I am trying to be positive(ugh...I am more pessimistic than bloody Eeyore...!)

I guess I need to channel my energy into something else to create a diversion in my head...

[WakingUp]

Lol... I love Eeyore!

 

Just be like Tigger... he loves to bounce!

 

Hang in there sweetheart.

[Sarabi]

Lol... I love Eeyore!

 

Just be like Tigger... he loves to bounce!

 

Hang in there sweetheart.

 

Thank you

Am more a Pooh fan...right down to loving the honey (I have a very sweet tooth lol)...

But some Tigger hopping could do me the world of good lol

[Sarabi]

No. No. No, no, no, no. NO!

 

It is NOT about not good enough. It's not a competition as to who's most worthy.

 

Sounds like deep down you have a good handle on things. But your heart is still reacting to the many, understandable triggers.

 

You're right that trying to be friends is unhelpful/impossible.

 

And, I implore you, do NOT leave your relationship fate up to 'god'. You're the only one who can and will make the changes that lead to happiness

 

Keep your chin up, you're doing grand!

 

Yeah. Of course, I know its not a competition, there was nothing to win.

But ugh...sometimes you feel you're losing your mind with this madness...!

And then you begin overanalysing...and overthinking...and forming conclusions(rightly or wrongly...even unhealthy) in your head...

But thanks for the advice. I will try and keep my chin up more than I have bee lately

[LilGirlandOW]

I wish I had 1/10th of your strength and courage We had a dday yesterday and today still talk, he's made plans to come see me, still in the "cycle". Like a crack addict, its hard to throw away the pipe, VERY hard, especially without anything waiting to cushion the fall back into reality. You're a very brave girl, IMO any OW who can willfully throw in the towel without NC being forced down her throat is an amazing inspirational woman, there is a big audience of OW and xOW giving you a standing ovation.

[Sarabi]

I wish I had 1/10th of your strength and courage We had a dday yesterday and today still talk, he's made plans to come see me, still in the "cycle". Like a crack addict, its hard to throw away the pipe, VERY hard, especially without anything waiting to cushion the fall back into reality. You're a very brave girl, IMO any OW who can willfully throw in the towel without NC being forced down her throat is an amazing inspirational woman, there is a big audience of OW and xOW giving you a standing ovation.

 

Awwww thank you Your words are so kind, thank you!!!

Its not easy trust me. It IS hard to throw away the pipe...I don't know if its one of those things that when you know its time, and you are ready to go cold turkey...you will do it...with no need for "one lasg drag..."

[zevahc]

Believe me...you are not alone. I'm a male..and the OM....and reading your post literally mimics my feelings. I wonder how my xMW could consider me such a good, even "Best" friend...that she's ever had...yet i feel like we can't be open about it...sure our coworkers know we are great friends..but her H barely knows. He knows of me..but am I really a part of her life? Is this what being a friend is? I've told her repeatedly that if we are to be friends at some point we have to be completely open. Our PA stopped....our EA is ending...although painful.

[Journee]

Oh Sarabi, I haven't even read all of your post yet but I just want to give you a massive squeeze ((((Sarabi))))

 

 

I actually was just wondering the other day about how you may be doing ,as I had not seen you around. I think you seem like a really sweet and caring person and I hate that you are hurting this way.

 

I don't even care to talk about MM in my reply to you because you are the one who matters...and yes girl, you do matter.

 

What is most scary about these affair situations is that it seems to leave both women (in these cases where WS is a male) feeling inadequate , questioning their very own worth. Let me tell you Sarabi that your worth does not hang on this mans existence. Your future will be brighter for going through these dark days. You always seem like such a nice person when you post and I totally see that you would not want to hurt a fly. Yet, you are hurting so immensely now it is not right.

 

I truly wish for you the freedom you deserve from this situation. ...and you will be free. You will be exhilarated and renewed. I have hitched my wagon to a few falling stars as well and boy the pain is immense but clarifying.

 

One day when you meet that Y chromosome that lifts you up you will look back and be shocked at how far you have come. At how different a healthy love feels. You deserve that Sarabi and bump him for this. He will be but a memory in time and you will be present ,not waiting for tomorrow or regretting yesterday ..but fully and completely present.

 

Good luck girl

[ComingInSecond]

I hear you Sarabi. I feel the same way....just as my username implies. Love between two people in a commited relationship has never come my way. I am always second and left to wonder what it is about me that has me never put first. As happy as I am to have someone understand I feel your pain and struggle. I hope one day there will be someone out there just for us. (((Hugs)))

[Sarabi]

Believe me...you are not alone. I'm a male..and the OM....and reading your post literally mimics my feelings. I wonder how my xMW could consider me such a good, even "Best" friend...that she's ever had...yet i feel like we can't be open about it...sure our coworkers know we are great friends..but her H barely knows. He knows of me..but am I really a part of her life? Is this what being a friend is? I've told her repeatedly that if we are to be friends at some point we have to be completely open. Our PA stopped....our EA is ending...although painful.

 

It is all exceptionally painful...and to know that they are happy and moving on without you yet they "love" you so much...are we not worth fighting for? ugh...I should stop with those types of thoughts(!)

I doubt its easy for their other halves or for them but the fact they have something to fall back on makes it feel as if they have it easier...

I admit I sometimes think to myself that continuing with being "friends" was a way for them to keep tabs on you and keep you subconciously attached to them. More thinly veiled selfishness on their parts because of course they are carrying on with their beautiful marriages...while you still have them as a feature in your life and possibly carry a little hope and caution and never really get over them...

Just my thoughts!

[WakingUp]

I think that you can assume they are not happy. They are/are not moving on. Maybe they are but that's not your problem.

 

He did not have an affair because his life was just hunky dory.

 

His wife would also be aware that its not picture perfect.

 

BUT... you are the person with the very best options here. Whilst they are stuck, your future is full of potential... you do not have the troubles and complications they do. An opportunity that comes your way is YOURS to take. So let it go... whatever happens, let THEM own it.

[Sarabi]

Oh Sarabi, I haven't even read all of your post yet but I just want to give you a massive squeeze ((((Sarabi))))

 

 

I actually was just wondering the other day about how you may be doing ,as I had not seen you around. I think you seem like a really sweet and caring person and I hate that you are hurting this way.

 

I don't even care to talk about MM in my reply to you because you are the one who matters...and yes girl, you do matter.

 

What is most scary about these affair situations is that it seems to leave both women (in these cases where WS is a male) feeling inadequate , questioning their very own worth. Let me tell you Sarabi that your worth does not hang on this mans existence. Your future will be brighter for going through these dark days. You always seem like such a nice person when you post and I totally see that you would not want to hurt a fly. Yet, you are hurting so immensely now it is not right.

 

I truly wish for you the freedom you deserve from this situation. ...and you will be free. You will be exhilarated and renewed. I have hitched my wagon to a few falling stars as well and boy the pain is immense but clarifying.

 

One day when you meet that Y chromosome that lifts you up you will look back and be shocked at how far you have come. At how different a healthy love feels. You deserve that Sarabi and bump him for this. He will be but a memory in time and you will be present ,not waiting for tomorrow or regretting yesterday ..but fully and completely present.

 

Good luck girl

 

Hey thank you so much Journee first for the hugs, second for the kind and thoughtful post, third for the luck!

Your posts are truly lovely, thanks for thinking of me when I was away(laptop having a nervous breakdown so less computer use )

I will try to look to the future. It is a shame that we feel our worth drops or is in question in a situation like this. Maybe because there was so much hope...& a fear that no one can love you like that ever again. But of course...we hope never to find love like THAT again(!) because as you say its not healthy...& is hurtful on so many levels.

Anyway. I have a lot of work to do on me as a person ...hopefully one day I will just feel better about "me" and not worry about men and my perceived lack of worth as a single person.

[Sarabi]

I think that you can assume they are not happy. They are/are not moving on. Maybe they are but that's not your problem.

 

He did not have an affair because his life was just hunky dory.

 

His wife would also be aware that its not picture perfect.

 

BUT... you are the person with the very best options here. Whilst they are stuck, your future is full of potential... you do not have the troubles and complications they do. An opportunity that comes your way is YOURS to take. So let it go... whatever happens, let THEM own it.

 

I will try my best. I don't wish them to suffer. I know it won't be an easy time for them...but I just want out.

 

...I had an interview yesterday and today I got the results...!!!

I was a strong candidate but they are "so sorry to disappoint" but they won't be taking my application any further. Oh my gosh... so...Let me count my blessings...because yet another "no" when I am trying so hard to get something better out of life is not exactly comforting. so yet again...I feel "not good enough"...ugh..!

[Sarabi]

I hear you Sarabi. I feel the same way....just as my username implies. Love between two people in a commited relationship has never come my way. I am always second and left to wonder what it is about me that has me never put first. As happy as I am to have someone understand I feel your pain and struggle. I hope one day there will be someone out there just for us. (((Hugs)))

 

After today I definitely know the feeling.

You just want to be the shining star for once. To matter. To come first. How is it seemingly, so easy for some and so hard for others!?

Thanks for the hugs...I definitely need them!!! hope things in your situation are going well x

[JustAReformedGirl]

First of all, my deepest condolences. Even if you were the OW, given the fact that the affair was based on more than just the physical, I'd say it's perfectly natural for you to be feeling some loss.

 

In my own situation, I've had some of the same thoughts; you try to tell yourself that (logically) there is no reason for you to grieve, that it's not your loss, it's theirs, that they aren't right for you, anyway, etc.

 

But, no matter what thoughts you have on the matter-whether these thoughts are true, or aren't, but you're using them to move on-the heart will still grieve.

 

Don't think it's something wrong with you. I'm sure you're not repulsive. You will find someone who loves you, someone whom you're legitimately with, instead of being in an affair...it's just going to take time.

 

Time for you to heal, above all else. Remember, you had enough strength to end it; major kudos for you. Now, it's time to continue your acts of self love. Respect yourself, treat yourself to something nice, take time to think about your gifts, your flaws, and accept them. Think about any and all relationships you've been with; are there any patterns? More importantly, are these patterns to do with your choices in partner, or to do with your view of yourself?

 

Mull things over. I wish you the best of luck, in recovering from all of this. Stay strong, hon. Things always get worse before they get better; but, they will get better. Just keep your chin up, and do the best you can.