Leila.J Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 I've been seeing a lovely, charming, kind guy for four months now and I really feel like I'm falling for him, HOWEVER he told me about 2 months into the relationship that he has jealousy issues and he has previously seen a therapist, (action he took after he drove his long-term girlfriend away with his jealousy) I thought that perhaps he had dealt with all these issues, but there are a few things he is doing that are making me wonder?... he has started to say things like 'I usually prefer girls who are plainer, who don't wear make up and like to wear t-shirts' ( I have quite big boobs so he says I look better when they are covered up) all this makes me feel bad, I don't know why but it does. He also says that he can't handle the fact that I have so many men as friends (I have never dated ANY of them, and all of them are like brothers to me as I've grown up from the age of 10 with) He also says he hates the fact that I work with men. He's never nasty with these comments, he just sort of nonchalantly 'mentions' it. Should I be concerned? are these all early warning signs? he seems so lovely otherwise... Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 THese sound like alarm bells to me! I think that he may need more therapy - how would he react if you were to suggest that you both attend therapy together to ensure your relationship gets off to a good start? if therapy isn't an option then you need to make it clear that you like your boobs hte way they are, you like your makeup the way it is and you like your friends too. Y'all come as a package. Personally i would run a mile - i have had a man manipulate me , although very subtley, and would hate for you to go through whatever it was his ex went through. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 I think zara hit that nail right on the head, shattering the wood. Sounds like subtle manipulation to me...and it's only the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leila.J Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Thank you, xx when you say subtley can you give me some examples of your experiences?... if you don't mind that is He tried to break up with me the other day saying it would be best for both of us in the long run, but then the situation was resolved.... Hmmmmmm its amazing, that when you are in a situation, sometimes you don't see the wood for the tree's x Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Not to threadjack, but I have a problem with the topic of manipulation. The guy has his positions and his insecurities: dump him or not based on how pleasing or disturbing they are, but no one on the planet is weak-willed enough to plead "maniputlation" in this context. You're just dating him, and you don't have to listen to him. Now as to his approach, it seems weak and maybe he could steel his backbone a little. But you said it yourself, you are an attractive girl and if you go out of your way to look provacative, it's going to get noticed by your b/f for what it is: attention seeking. Doesn't mean the man needs to be wounded or offended, but he has to recognize that at its extremes, people who seek attention are not ideal mates. But maybe you dress no differently than anyone else, in which case his opinions aren't really market. Maybe you want to dress to please him sometimes, and maybe you don't, but either way though he sounds a little weak he doesn't sound like he's manipulating anyone: he's stated his opinions about what's attractive and what he'd prefer. Decide if you're into that, or not, and act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leila.J Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Interesting... I do dress to look decent enough (not that I exactly think I'm attractive but I try to make myself attractive) and I think I'm very tame compared to some girls... I'm usually out and about as one of the 'lads' (coz I have a lot of male friends) I'm a jeans/trainers kinda girl, but I do wear tightish tops (fashionable tops).. he must have been attracted to that in the very first place???? so then making negative comments about it kind of hurts a little... hmmmmm Oh I don't know... every one has to be given the chance right? I suppose I'm just a little on my guard coz of the jealousy-driving away previous G/F issue Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Cecilus - i would say that given previous history of jealousy so bad that he had to go to therapy there are certainly some issues with control behind his opinions ratherthan being off the cuff comments. But i do agree that it is up to Leila to decide whther she wants to stick with it and see where it ends up or get out of dodge. Leila, by subtle i mean things like the comments that seem off the cuff but are calculated to make you react or behave in a way that pleases him and denigrates you. i.e the "i prefer girls who wear less make up and baggy clothes" remarks - if this is true, then why was he attracted to you in the first place? Another tactic would be to tell you that you look fat in something that is too figure hugging or flattering for his comfort - days before he dumped me, my ex told me i was too fat to wear a bikini i had just bought, even though i am a tiny size 2! but becasue i was so besotted by him i beleived him and got really upset. Another tactic may be to chip away at your self esteem by comparing you unfavourably to models/ actresses/ other women - again, my ex tried this, often saying "I bet you wish you looked like that!" - When in fact i've always been quite comfortable about my looks but his comments made me question myself. Another tactic was to never allow me to meet his friends and family, and cut me off from mine - he'd tell me "you're not very sociable, you don't get on with people", when i'm a dancer and actress for crying out loud, communication and socializing is what i do! Just beware, it sounds as though the seeds of such actions are htere from what you tell here... Link to post Share on other sites
Confissledone Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 you know what....keep him as a good friend but do not, i repeat DO NOT become his girlfriend. My girlfriend's friend had a boyfriend that literally made her dress like a guy so others wouldn't look at her. I mean damn c'mon he's gonna make you lose friends over him, which usually when you pick a partner over friends you end up breakin up with your partner and losing the friends. I used to be very jealous too and my g/f lost some friends (guys and girls) simply because I found out that when they hung out, they would try to make her end our relationship and they'd try to find someone "better" for her. Anyway, just stay away from him cuz if you dont dress as he says and dont stay away from boys, he'll be abusive in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I would NEVER let a man tell me how to dress. If I want to wear a nice sexy skirt or whatever, thats MY body and if ANYONE tells you that you need to put on baggy pants so men will not check your body out...well they need to get a life and more therapy ! Its also the BEGINNING of a NEVER ending amount of control.....This week its your dress.....next week your tight top....the next those shorts are too short...blah !!! Lose this insecure guy or just keep him as a buddy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leila.J Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Well, we went to watch England play footie in the pub last night and some guy started talking to my friend Rachel, and said hello to me too.. and so my boyfriend flipped out, started questioning me when we got back home and then proceeded to tell me that I'm vain for wearing make-up, that I should let my inner beauty shine through by being natural, then he told me that no man would take me seriously as long as continued to dye my hair and wear make-up. He tried to make it sound like he was so concerned for me. For a moment I actually let it get to me.. for a moment. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 oh dear. before you know it, he won't even let you go to the pub at all. You need to do something... Link to post Share on other sites
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