moving on more info

[Micky]

He has brought other people into our lives all though our marriage , but the last time was the hardest to forgive , because I was begging him for his help in saving our marriage at the time and he told me he was doing everything he could to get where we needed to be for a stronger bond before the kids were older and we were left with something empty and cold , he looked me in the eye and told me I was everything to him and he couldn't lose me , soon after I found out he was seeing someone for 6 months behind my back , we went to counceling he said after only three months that he was trying to be the man i needed , and then did it again he persude another women and I found out when I got a phone bill for a cell phone I didn't know about .

 

He tells me I am all thats important to him and turns around and does it again , and still expects me to continue to love him and be his wife and show him respect, I am trying to be strong and get through this with therepy , but everytime I turn around I get hurt again.

 

When is enough ,enough ?

 

How much should one person take ?

 

for the sake of saving the marriage ?

 

He says if I want to end the marriage the kids will know that I am the one who destroyed our family , because he knows I will never tell them what really happened, because he is their father and I would never want them to think of him negatively .

 

I think his love is obsessive love ,and not real love, he won't get help .

 

why do some men feel that they should have both , their wife ,and their mistress ? could it be something born in them ? all of his uncles have had extramarital affairs in their past and are still married , I wonder if he expects to do the same ? Can it be an italian thing?

[Tony T]

No, it's not an Italian thing but there are many cultures that actually condone mistresses. In the United Arab Emerates, for instances, many men have a wife and one or more mistresses and they all travel together. Their customs requires that whatever they buy for one woman, they buy for all of them.

 

You have presented a lot more information here than you presented in your previous post.

 

Now that you have disclosed that this cheating thing is a repetitious event, you have no choice but to leave. It is not only for the sake of your pride, but cheating nowadays could be a matter of life or death in a age of AIDS.

 

As for the children, when they get older and able to understand, you should definitely let them know why you left him. For now, your happiness and the preservation of your dignity should be your number one concern. It sounds like you have really tried to keep things intact.

 

You husband may very well be suffering from some deepseated psychological problem but that is for him to seek help for. It sounds like he has a childlike ego state that has conditioned him to keep repeating that which he knows is wrong. In other words, his development as a responsible adult has been arrested...he needs to somehow grow up.

 

From this point on, you would be an absolute fool to remain with a man who repeatedly and without conscience has adulterous affairs. This is no way for any woman to live.

[Annie]

I don't know how old your children are, as you didn't state that. However, I was in a similar marriage, had 3 children, and a cheating spouse. I finally came to the point of saying - enough is enough. All the time he told me how much he loved me - yeah, right!!! I got to the point that I didn't want him to touch me, knowing he had been with other women. And, I didn't tell the kids for many years why their dad and I divorced. However, when they got older, I did tell them - when they were old enough to understand things. All through the years, however, I kept them close to their dad, so that the bond was strong between them. Just because we divorce a parent,doesn't mean we divorce the kids, and that was what I wanted them to know and understand.

 

Yes, you can forgive, but as a wife, you deserve so much better than this for yourself. Italian thing? No - a sin thing is what it really is. Adultery knows no cultural boundaries.

 

This is going to be a difficult decision for you, and I understand that. But, this may just be what it takes to hit him over the head to wake up!!! As long as you stay, and keep forgiving and acting as though nothing has happened, he will continue his cheating. And why not? He has the best of both worlds this way. He is using the kids and trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Do what is right, and let the consequences follow!!

 

God bless you.

He has brought other people into our lives all though our marriage , but the last time was the hardest to forgive , because I was begging him for his help in saving our marriage at the time and he told me he was doing everything he could to get where we needed to be for a stronger bond before the kids were older and we were left with something empty and cold , he looked me in the eye and told me I was everything to him and he couldn't lose me , soon after I found out he was seeing someone for 6 months behind my back , we went to counceling he said after only three months that he was trying to be the man i needed , and then did it again he persude another women and I found out when I got a phone bill for a cell phone I didn't know about . He tells me I am all thats important to him and turns around and does it again , and still expects me to continue to love him and be his wife and show him respect, I am trying to be strong and get through this with therepy , but everytime I turn around I get hurt again. When is enough ,enough ? How much should one person take ? for the sake of saving the marriage ? He says if I want to end the marriage the kids will know that I am the one who destroyed our family , because he knows I will never tell them what really happened, because he is their father and I would never want them to think of him negatively . I think his love is obsessive love ,and not real love, he won't get help . why do some men feel that they should have both , their wife ,and their mistress ? could it be something born in them ? all of his uncles have had extramarital affairs in their past and are still married , I wonder if he expects to do the same ? Can it be an italian thing?