Does breaking no contact ever work?

[oldshirt]

Sure, and it ranks right there with the possibility of winning the lottery or getting hit by a meteorite or finding lost treasure in your backyard. She broke up with you because she no longer wished to continue dating you. Your relationship had run it's course for her and she ended it and moved on with her life.

 

You should do the same.

 

What you need to understand is dating is an interview and tryout period where people spend time together and do things together in order to determine if they want to legally committ to each other (marriage) and have children together.

 

If someone stops the dating process its because they have determined through that interview/tryout process that that person is NOT who they wish to marry and raise children with.

 

There is no point to continue after a break up or to try again. There may have been fun times and maybe even no bad times but when one of the parties no longer wants to continue the interview/tryout then what is the point?

[oldshirt]

There may have been fun times and maybe even no bad times but when one of the parties no longer wants to continue the interview/tryout then what is the point?

 

The answer to that question is only two things.

 

1. Marking time as a place holder untill you meet someone else, or to ward off boredom/loneliness.

 

2. Booty calls to keep the tank drained.

 

I am ok with booty calls but if booty calls arent part of the package then you are just wasting time and energy and setting yourself up for simply prolonging the pain of breaking up and pining for someone that doesnt want to be with you.

[itto ogami]

She's 23. She has no idea what she wants yet and she wants to find out with other men.

[Simon Phoenix]

To answer your question, yes, breaking contact works but the question is, does it work LONG TERM. My ex broke up with me 3 times in the last year. I let some time go by and got her back each time though honestly, I should of let her go.

 

Now, what I've really learned is when couples break up, the chances of a long term relationship/marriage ever working is RARE. I know a lot of long term married couples. NONE of them EVER broke up at any stage of the relationship. They wouldn't of dared risk LOSING the other during a break up stage.

 

As i said above, I was broken up with 3 times and i broke up with her twice. Guess what, were not together anymore..

 

 

BTW, girls love to throw around that line of "your the love of my life". Mine told me that and broke up with me a week later. Our final break up day she'd told me earlier in the day that I was stuck with her for the rest of my life and failure wasn't an option. Then that night she put her arms around me and told me she loved me only to starting talking poorly to me again after I "annoyed" her which led me to tell her it was getting old. She then said she was done and I left. My point is both m/f say all sorts of things like that only to end it w/out much thought.

 

I'm going to two weddings in the next year that saw the couples break for a significant amount of time (nearly a year in both cases). But what allowed them to reconcile and keep reconciled was two things a) they each gave each other a lot of no contact space (around six months in both cases) and b) they reconciled slowly instead of jumping right back in. I think yours kept failing because you just kept jumping back in at the same point with the same problems.

 

As for breaking NC, it's not something that should be done until you are cool with whatever the response from your ex will be. Until your ex is a bonus and not a necessity in your life. And for most, you need several months away from the other person to get to that point. Otherwise breaking NC is the same as throwing yourself through a plate-glass window.

[Simon Phoenix]

What is the worst that can happen by messaging her?

 

You look like a clingy chump or a doormat and she loses respect for you. Or she strings you along and starts to be your friend, causing you more confusion and anxiety, only to devastate you when she starts dating/hooking up with someone else and telling you about it.

[flitzanu]

Been no contact for 37 days. She told me we were too dependent on each other and she felt she had to grow on her own for a while. She needed to take a step back (and out) so we could finally see if we wanted each other or if we needed each other. She gave me examples of some people we know who split for a while and then got back together and stayed together.

 

During this I was telling her how I felt we could have a more independent relationship which would be healthy for both of us and I could see her facial expression changing almost ready to give it a try but in the end she stuck to her guns. She was also about to go away for a month. She loved the comfort the relationship gave her and she loves me (well she did 5 weeks ago) very much and deeply. Throughout the break up she was actually the one doing all the crying. We discussed how she was confused and I told her she needed to take this time and space and figure out what she wants because I can’t be the only one in it.

 

The worst is a week before we broke up she whispered in my ear that I was the love of her life.

 

classic breakup story. "i need space to find myself" = "i need space to find myself a new boyfriend".

[heart12]

OK looks like you guys were right. She just messaged my brother this (39 days after no contact).

 

Hey ***, just wanted to finally reach out and thank you for your kindness and support throughout my relationship with ***. I contemplated contacting you earlier, but I thought it best to give *** some initial space. Long term, I feel that the breakup will be best for both of us; but this doesn’t mean that it’s an easy step. I think of you all often, and I wish you all the happiness, success and love in the world. You’re such an awesome guy, and I’m certainly going to miss our bro/sis hangouts. Enjoy the summer, and I look forward to running into you one of these days.

[eddyctv]

OK looks like you guys were right. She just messaged my brother this (39 days after no contact).

 

Hey ***, just wanted to finally reach out and thank you for your kindness and support throughout my relationship with ***. I contemplated contacting you earlier, but I thought it best to give *** some initial space. Long term, I feel that the breakup will be best for both of us; but this doesn’t mean that it’s an easy step. I think of you all often, and I wish you all the happiness, success and love in the world. You’re such an awesome guy, and I’m certainly going to miss our bro/sis hangouts. Enjoy the summer, and I look forward to running into you one of these days.

 

Bro you gotta let her be. I know you dont want to hear it.

 

If it's meant to be, she'll come back, but you have to wait for that to happen. Initiating something on your part is just a band aid that's gonna fall off. Trust me, I am going through it right now.

[heart12]

Part of me knows you are right and the other part thinks she sent this... KNOWING it would get back to me... to get a rise out of me and get me to break and message her first. This is the same as when he sis or friend asked me how I was and I told them I was fine, having a lot of fun, going on and enjoying life etc.... After 39 days no contact, why would she send this message at all?

[heart12]

This could also be retaliation for this weekend. I saw a friend of hers (actually her best friends sister) and she asked me how I was... "honestly whether me and *** were to even have a chance in the future or not doesn't matter but either way we had to split up and both needed this time away from each other to do our own thing.***

 

Obviously this got back to her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Part of me knows you are right and the other part thinks she sent this... KNOWING it would get back to me... to get a rise out of me and get me to break and message her first. This is the same as when he sis or friend asked me how I was and I told them I was fine, having a lot of fun, going on and enjoying life etc.... After 39 days no contact, why would she send this message at all?

 

Who knows, who cares. Messaging her right now isn't going to get her back -- it'll probably make things worse.

[inaya42]

she is moving on. she is saying goodbye with more peace and internal ease. i do not think you should contact her AT ALL, especially given that she seems to see the breakup as final. use this time to find your own internal peace with things. the book getting past your breakup is a great resource for healing.

[Pisces13]

You just need to leave her alone mate, she needs to work it all out for herself. There is nothing you can say, think or do to help the situation, remember that.

 

I'm going through this now myself, and while I'm still hurting, once I learned to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do in this situation, I started feeling more at peace about it all.

 

Like people before me said, if it is meant to be, then she'll be back at some stage, but you just need to leave her alone and let her discover life and herself, and what it is that she needs or wants. This will most likely even involve her seeing other guys (I'm also dealing with my ex doing this at the moment), so prepare yourself for that.

 

Just focus on yourself right now. Go out, make new friends, mingle with new girls, go to the gym, engage in new hobbies, just keep yourself busy and in a positive frame of mind. You can't put your life on hold for this girl, and it would most likely guarantee she will never come back if you did so anyway.

[heart12]

I know all that- I really know it's not to see other guys. After we broke up she left for a month for a work thing where there are no guys around. She is now home 2 months and then going back to no guy land for 4 months.

 

I'm pretty sure her message was sent today to irritate me and give in to messaging her but I'm not going to do that. If she wants to speak to me then let her.

[GB25]

To make it clear this was a break up and not just a break.

 

I believe she truly does want to be single so she can find her way. She has gone from one profession and now has changed to social work. She won't be around the city for much longer and will be back working out of town in a remote area. Since we were very much each other's everything, I think she found it hard to find time to try out new hobbies or really immerse herself in her new work.

 

Is it not possible she needed a step back so we could get back to being our independent selves again in order to have a proper relationship?

 

Not EVERY break up follows the same rules.

 

OP, it seems like you are disagreeing with everyones analysis and in every post you seem to know why shes doing what shes doing

 

If you have it all figured out why are you on here asking for opinions?

Edited June 21, 2013 by GB25

[heart12]

OP, it seems like you are disagreeing with everyones analysis and in every post you seem to know why shes doing what shes doing

 

If you have it all figured out why are you on here asking for opinions?

 

I assume I know her best and I'd like not to believe everything is SO black and white.

 

I also recognize I am still trying to hang on to hope that we can get back together so I argue back. Having a tough time letting go of her completely.

[Simon Phoenix]

I assume I know her best and I'd like not to believe everything is SO black and white.

 

I also recognize I am still trying to hang on to hope that we can get back together so I argue back. Having a tough time letting go of her completely.

 

And there's a good chance your mind is clouded because you are too close to the situation. That's the value of websites like this -- a lot of times the neutral third party has a better grasp of what's going on.

[heart12]

I agree I just don't like how everyone right away assumes... she broke up with you for another guy. Some people really do want to be single and alone for a while (I think). In her case, she won't be near any guys of value for the considerable future.

 

I agree my relationship is OVER. There is no denying that and I accept it. I know 1 day I will find love again but I also know there is love between us. Actually when I first met her, she had wanted to be single to do what she is doing now. She never expected to meet me 2.5 years ago and I screwed up her plans then. I DO believe I can have a new and successful relationship with her.

 

I Know the odds aren't great of it working out once you split but I do know lots of married couples today who split up early on (first few years) when they were young.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree I just don't like how everyone right away assumes... she broke up with you for another guy. Some people really do want to be single and alone for a while (I think). In her case, she won't be near any guys of value for the considerable future.

 

I agree my relationship is OVER. There is no denying that and I accept it. I know 1 day I will find love again but I also know there is love between us. Actually when I first met her, she had wanted to be single to do what she is doing now. She never expected to meet me 2.5 years ago and I screwed up her plans then. I DO believe I can have a new and successful relationship with her.

 

I Know the odds aren't great of it working out once you split but I do know lots of married couples today who split up early on (first few years) when they were young.

 

Sure, it can happen, but not when you have one foot stopping the door from the previous relationship from closing completely. I actually am going to two weddings (one of a friend of mine in a couple months and my sister's next spring) where the marrying couple broke up at one point. But in both situations, there was a significant time of no contact where each couple moved on. After significant time away, they then reunited.

 

But if you keep planning and hoping for it, it won't happen. To have a new relationship you have to punt the old one, and you haven't done that at all yet.

[Leigh 87]

wrong thread oops sorry deleted the post

[heart12]

Sure, it can happen, but not when you have one foot stopping the door from the previous relationship from closing completely. I actually am going to two weddings (one of a friend of mine in a couple months and my sister's next spring) where the marrying couple broke up at one point. But in both situations, there was a significant time of no contact where each couple moved on. After significant time away, they then reunited.

 

But if you keep planning and hoping for it, it won't happen. To have a new relationship you have to punt the old one, and you haven't done that at all yet.

 

Out of curiosity- when you say significant time of no contact, are you talking years or months? My brother actually went through a situation like that and is now married. They split up for a few months and both got their lives back in order and realized they were ready.

[heart12]

I disagree. If I met someone who was the love of my life, I wouldn't care what my 'plans' were - I would grab on for dear life and never let go.

 

She doesn't want to date YOU. I know it sucks, but I'm afraid it's true. The perfect person for you doesn't 'screw up your plans'.

 

I think you have a lot more processing to do.

 

While I agree with you (I would find a way to work no matter what-and I mean no matter what), some people do need to be single for a while at a young age (she's only 23). Where I disagree is sometimes people may be so right for each other but the timing is off (could be off anywhere from 6 months-years).

 

In any case I am of like mind to you... if I find the right person, I would fight for it and make it work.

[na49]

if I find the right person, I would fight for it and make it work.

 

The issue isn't you (or anyone else mourning their BU) wanting it to work. It's having your ex want it to work as badly as you do, and there's no way to make them feel this way.

 

I loved my ex. I always loved my ex. She left me. I didn't do an ounce of begging, or telling her "I've changed". Not because I didn't want it to work. because I realized, if she didn't then there wasn't anything I could do. She came around 2 months ago and we've been happily back together since.

[heart12]

The issue isn't you (or anyone else mourning their BU) wanting it to work. It's having your ex want it to work as badly as you do, and there's no way to make them feel this way.

 

I loved my ex. I always loved my ex. She left me. I didn't do an ounce of begging, or telling her "I've changed". Not because I didn't want it to work. because I realized, if she didn't then there wasn't anything I could do. She came around 2 months ago and we've been happily back together since.

 

I completely agree!! When we broke up, I didn't beg. I told her we both have to want this because that's the only way it'll work and you are right!

[Simon Phoenix]

Out of curiosity- when you say significant time of no contact, are you talking years or months? My brother actually went through a situation like that and is now married. They split up for a few months and both got their lives back in order and realized they were ready.

 

Both went over six months NC and were broken up for about a year.