tougherthan Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 I'll try to keep this brief, and thank you for taking the time to read all of this. This is in regards to my boyfriend of 3 years and a female on our athletic team. My boyfriend is the team leader and the new girl has been around about a year. She is very young (21), attractive, sweet, and a little immature. My boyfriend is in his 40s. She has a fiance and they recently bought a house together. I'm not her biggest fan, as she is a very inconsistent and unreliable team mate. My boyfriend has commented to me that she will text him with questions and, at times, life advice regarding her job (that she was fired from) and fiance (that she loves and hates and loves again). He tells me about some of her messages, but apparently not all. I was looking over our phone bill for the month to find 200 total text messages between them. They are all initiated by her, usually 5 or 10 between them every couple of days. Granted, my boyfriend is a big text machine (our count for this month was 900 plus phone calls). I'm really not sure what to think of it. My boyfriend downplays their interactions, saying it's work related, "dumb questions," or even shows them to me sometimes. But the part that rubs me the wrong way the most is that he makes it sound like they rarely talk when I confronted him about this previously. The records show a different story. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 That would concern me. He must get something out of interacting that much with her... Would he be comfortable if you suddenly started texting some young dude 200 messages a month? If he won't stop - or says he stops and hides it - you will know she's his priority over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tougherthan Posted June 19, 2013 Author Share Posted June 19, 2013 Thank you, 2sunny. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 Why not just ask to see the texts? If they are harmless he should have no problem. It does not mean she is a priority by the way... 200 is not greater than 900 If His messages consist of ”yes” , ”no” , and ”thats cool" then you have nothing to worry about. If you have the bill, you should be able to read the messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tougherthan Posted June 19, 2013 Author Share Posted June 19, 2013 Keenly, thank you. I honestly haven't considered asking to see the texts, other than what he already reads to me on occasion, because I'm trying not to make a mountain out of a molehill. I have seen a few and they were just "ok" and "what time is the next meet"...I guess that's why I came here, in part, to get some perspective and make sure reason prevails before I approach him with anything. So thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 You're in your 20's as well? That's how I interpreted it but I may be wrong. Most guys in their 40's going for young girls are not long term material. It happens time to time but the reality is that they're looking for an escape. Link to post Share on other sites
reardear Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 To me it just seems like your boyfriend is someone the girl can trust and talk to about personal problems. He may be downplaying it because he doesn't want you to worry or he doesn't want to explain anything. Ask if you can take a look. Just remember that there's always the possibility he deleted some of the texts. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I was looking over our phone bill for the month to find 200 total text messages between them. What prompted you to analyze your phone records. How long have you had a shared phone bill since you two are not married but bf/gf? Do you co-habitate? I'm really not sure what to think of it. My boyfriend downplays their interactions, saying it's work related, "dumb questions," or even shows them to me sometimes. That's part of his plan. If he tells you about her before you find out another way, he's already laid the groundwork. But the part that rubs me the wrong way the most is that he makes it sound like they rarely talk when I confronted him about this previously. The records show a different story. Any thoughts? They are close. Even if the messages/correspondences are casual, the frequency implies an emotional connection at minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 If he won't stop - or says he stops and hides it - you will know she's his priority over you. Or a priority. Who is to quantify more or less? He can. Link to post Share on other sites
RangerJeremiah Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 200 messages a month = 6+ txt messages on avg. a day. Everyday. That's a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 200 messages a month = 6+ txt messages on avg. a day. Everyday. That's a lot. It is. I received 6 calls from my friend over the last 2 days, 20 text messages, 9 emails over the last couple of weeks... Get the picture? Something is definitely up. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 I don't see how it is your bf's responsibility to life coach his team member. Demand that this stops. I'm sure there are plenty of things that got neglected over texting his team member. Like mowing the lawn or fixing that creaking bath room door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 200 messages a month = 6+ txt messages on avg. a day. Everyday. That's a lot. Compared to what? That equates to 3 each a day. That is hardly enough to be considered a lot. A lot would be hundred a day and up. When people are having an affair they talk a lot. Mine has heated up recently and it is about 800 messages a day. That's a lot. To the OP, I would suggest waiting to see if the pattern escalates. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Mine has heated up recently and it is about 800 messages a day. That's a lot. How do you find time to do anything else? To the OP, I would suggest waiting to see if the pattern escalates. Good idea. And if so, then what? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 (edited) How do you find time to do anything else? Good idea. And if so, then what? Voice to text is a great tool. Usually 30 minutes in the morning, a couple of hours during the day, typically 4 hours late at night, and a few spotted throughout the day. Not hard at all. Then what? Well, if she confronts him now and he is doing something, or it is just starting then she will drive him underground. Right now she has access to something. IF they take underground she will have nothing. If it does escalate then she has a decision to make. In my estimation the other woman is definitely trying to start something, but I can't say that he has taken the bait. With that said, him being open about texts could have two potential meanings. He is either trying to be upfront and open about what is going on, or he is laying the groundwork for the OP to feel like it is a normal friendship when it is not. Edited June 22, 2013 by Realist3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 But 200 texts... That's purposeful in engaging the other gal. I'd wonder what is so important to discuss. Normal sports conversation would look like "what day and time is practice this week?" If the words are personal - then there's reason to be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 But 200 texts... That's purposeful in engaging the other gal. I'd wonder what is so important to discuss. Normal sports conversation would look like "what day and time is practice this week?" If the words are personal - then there's reason to be concerned. I think the OP admitted that the texts were personal in nature. The thing is since he has allowed her to read some, it should give her some idea as to their interaction, i.e if it flirty or not. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 laying the groundwork for the OP to feel like it is a normal friendship when it is not. Exactly. Absolutely what my friend established immediately. Do you think the tactic of laying groundwork is the mark of a seasoned cheater (a strategist)? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Exactly. Absolutely what my friend established immediately. Do you think the tactic of laying groundwork is the mark of a seasoned cheater (a strategist)? Not necessarily. I have a lot of women friends and I had always been open with my wife about what was texted or whatever. Whenever I started getting serious with my MOW I attempted to make her seems the same as any of my other female friends. It is the first time I had ever strayed. I don't think it signals anything about frequency, just perhaps smarts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Aside from the phone records, I think the bigger tell might be how often he brings her up in conversation. He will only bring her up if he cares about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 I think the OP admitted that the texts were personal in nature. The thing is since he has allowed her to read some, it should give her some idea as to their interaction, i.e if it flirty or not. She should read them ALL! IF they were deleted - that's suspicious. If the phone bills are linked - she may be capable of retrieving all the texts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Guys here are full of sh**. If their girlfriend was doing this (200 messages with a guy a month) theyd be all up in arms. Something is def. going on. Guys who are in their 40's doting on girls in their 20's are scummy men. Id suggest moving on. Who is saying that this is okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 She should read them ALL! IF they were deleted - that's suspicious. If the phone bills are linked - she may be capable of retrieving all the texts. The deleted aspect does raise suspicions, no doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Yuck. Sorry, but it is kind of unnerving that a 40 year old is texting with a 21 year old:sick: It is not appropriate. Even if the texts were not sexual in nature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 OP, is there a consistency for example 5-10 txts every couple days or is there an obvious increase in the txting getting greater towards the end of the month. If the messages were consistant I wouldn't be worried, it would be a signal of a training session twice a week or set days or something similar, if it gradually got more and more as time went on I would be worried. In all honesty its not a lot of txting, go through your own bill and pick someone you rarely talk to but do interact with regularly and count up your messages to them, I think people under assume how much we txt even to the insignificant people. Also if a pattern occurs and you are less worried, consider the fact that if she is txting him about relationship problems but he consistently only txts ten messages max a day, then he's not interested in her. People who are messing about in this way send a crazy amount of messages and it can be quite obvious, I would only be worried if he was txting her more or the same as he does with you or if the number of txts was growing more and more as time went on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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