Found out bf used prostitutes when we first dated

[sputnikswthart]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here and need some help/advice/input/ anything at all.

I just found out that my boyfriend of almost two years has solicited prostitution services while during the beginning of our relationship. The last known time was four months into the relationship after we had already established that we are in a committed exclusive relationship with each other.

 

It shocks me that he uses prostitutes and while we were dating. He has always been preaching about being a one woman man and how he doesn't believe in sex without first caring about that person. I feel like everything has been a total sham. The idea of him using prostitutes grosses me out but I would've been ok with it if it only occurred in his past and not while dating me. His past is his past and I shouldn't judge him on that but this is different. He solicited prostitution services during the beginning of our relationship and it hurts to know this.

 

We currently live together and have a very good loving supportive relationship. I have not talked to him about this. I found out while going through his emails. Yes, I have trust issues due to my previous relationship with a guy who cheated on me. We've been working through it and I thought we were fine but I guess a few things he's done or I've discovered have me not trusting him completely. We both know and have access to each others emails. I don't know what to do.

 

Our relationship history:

We both were really in love after 7 months into our relationship. Before that it was getting to know each other and really liking and enjoying the beginnings of the relationship. I finally moved in with him after a year of dating (he has asked several times before that).

 

He has not strayed or done anything else wrong after we really fell in love with each other.

 

I don't know what to feel. I'm sad, upset, disappointed that he "cheated" during the beginning of our relationship. I truely love him and I feel like he truly loves me now. I don't know if I can continue on with the relatiopnship knowing he had lied to me or if I should try to let it go since things are going well currently. I need help.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. You'll get lots of feedback here.

 

I'm not defending his actions because your post isn't specific. What I can ask you though is, IF he has a/several fetishes, how willing are you to engage in this? It isn't always the case that "pay for play" involves penis/vagina sex.

 

 

 

I understand what you hold as your standard for "committed relationship" but what is his definition!

[sputnikswthart]

thanks for your reply.

 

We started having sex after a month of dating and shortly thereafter established that it was an exclusive relationship meaning not seeing anyone else and definitely no sexual activities with anyone else!

 

I like to please my man as he does for me. I have asked him in the past if he had any sexual fantasies or fetishes and he told me nothing out of the ordinary.

I thought we were very open with each regarding sexual past and preferences.

 

Regardless, he's lied to me. Since I met him, he tells me that he doesn't believe in casual sex anymore. There has been times when he has remarked about not knowing why men would pay for sex and he has told me that he has never used a prostitiute. It's his lying that bothers me most.

[Balzac]

I see no positive outcome from burying this knowledge. Trust is a primary element in successful relationships.

 

You may or may not grant him the privilege of defending his lies. The "why" of his motivation and failure to approach you.

 

I'm sorry you're faced w this and yet many LSers have vast experience to share with you. Repairing a relationship from this magnitude of deception/pain is a lengthy process.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well in general, many guys lie about exclusivity and a lot of guys would actually do the things they tell you they condone or would never do...that would only be a newsflash to women.

 

Unfortunately you did find out and you did find out the hard way, it's situations like this that make me shake my head at women who are so trusting to the words of a man...I don't care how much you think you know a man and how he feels and all that crap, you never really do...in fact anyone could be hiding just about anything, that's just the reality even if they appear to be the greatest thing on earth to you.

 

Since you are the "past is in the past" type, I think you'll just move on from this in your own way, after all it's still in the past right? and not today? that how it works?...I question however whether you want to confront him on this and whether it's worth the feud since you are the past is the past type of person and his actions were in the past, so it's not like he can do anything about them...I guess he could apologize and tell you how great and amazing you are and all these other excuses and reasons guys make after they are busted but ultimately you're going to just have to decide whether you want to stay or go because of this, if you're not going to go then don't even bluff it, but if you want to really talk about this for your own peace of mind I honestly don't really think you are going to get the truth but at least you would have told him and you'd have known...although he may reverse the situation and hold it against you as a reason for him not to trust you back.

 

According to you he was in love with you 7 months in, and you truly think he loves you now so you're not going anywhere, this guy could be cheating on you still and you'd probably be hurt but wouldn't walk away with that mentality anyway...just face the fact that this is the kind of guy you are with and these are the choices and actions he committed for himself or whatever reasons you found buried deep in his email, otherwise confronting him will just result in some half-truths, mostly lies and things you want to here to make you feel better...but maybe you need to hear that kind of a thing and how "special" you are and how much you've changed him and all that jazz.

 

I think most profoundly this is damaging to your psyche, I don't know if you'll be able to trust him or any other man again, especially since you have deep seated trust issues because of your last experience....unfortunately however, chances are you're attracted to these kinds of men, I'm sure these guys have their problems from the get-go you just overlook them and continue on anyway...is this the type of men you want to date? or do you want to break up and work on yourself so you can make better choices? or do you simply feel love conquers all?

 

I feel bad for you, because I think you're one of those that loves hard and invests a lot...I just don't unfortunately feel your man-picker is going to do you any good until you fix issues within yourself...if anything this just exacerbates your deep insecurity.

 

But this is what it is...this is real life, I would advise you to never trust men so quickly, regardless of what you may think or feel. The truth always comes out in time.

[sputnikswthart]

Thank you for your honest reply. I will have to take a few days to decide what to do.

[Feelin Frisky]

That's low. Sorry you have to deal with this. Poor character.

[hppr]

Did you guys have a fight and he ran off all pissed and got a hooker? Or was it just "I'm bored today I'm gonna Craigslist a slut" sort of thing? Because the first is bad and the second is OH **** bad.

[CC12]

I just found out that my boyfriend of almost two years has solicited prostitution services while during the beginning of our relationship. The last known time was four months into the relationship after we had already established that we are in a committed exclusive relationship with each other.

 

If you had found out about it four months into your relationship, would you have stayed with him? If the answer is no, then the only reason the relationship became what it is now is because your boyfriend was dishonest with you, and I think that should tell you a lot.

[crederer]

Yeah I think it's weird for any guy to get a prostitute at any point in their life unless they completely lack social skills. I mean, everyone needs sex from time to time, even if they can't get it for free.

 

BUT the fact he was with you, is really messed up. Deal breaker for sure. Unless you never had sex with him, it's still messed up but a little less.

[sputnikswthart]

Thank you all for giving me your input. When it comes down to it, he cheated on me after we had agreed to be in a committed relationship and have been lying to me. I have decided to just end things. I'm going to leave him with a letter telling him what i found and all i feel and just walk away. I don't think any explanation he gives me will be good enough for me to turn back. Yes I do love him very much but in the end I can't be with someone I can't respect. He's lost all respect and any trust I had for him therefore no good can come of it.

 

I deserve better.

 

Thank you all

[pteromom]

Thank you all for giving me your input. When it comes down to it, he cheated on me after we had agreed to be in a committed relationship and have been lying to me. I have decided to just end things. I'm going to leave him with a letter telling him what i found and all i feel and just walk away. I don't think any explanation he gives me will be good enough for me to turn back. Yes I do love him very much but in the end I can't be with someone I can't respect. He's lost all respect and any trust I had for him therefore no good can come of it.

 

I deserve better.

 

Thank you all

 

That's a smart decision. As you said, what explanation could he give that would make it OK? It's not about prostitutes...it's about lying and cheating.

[smokey bear]

Hey, I know a few escorts, some are my very close friends.

 

Most people have an image of an escort in their mind that is completely different from the real thing.

 

Most of the escorts I know are more like paid girlfriends, they care about their clients and their clients care about them, its not a sleazy arrangement in any way and most men use escorts because its far far easier than finding a one night stand and they are guaranteed what they are looking for, there is also no back lash, hassle or gossip involved.

 

Men that use escorts are always branded badly when really they are making a smart choice, its much safer and easier.

 

As for him seeing an escort in the first four months, I would be considerate of this for a few reasons

 

At four months, things are still fresh, emotions haven't developed strong enough yet and its still a guessing game time, He may still have been attached to his escort, This does not mean he has feelings for her, he's just comfortable and she provides what he needs with ease as he has already went through the awkward stage.

 

Escorts are addictive, they are programmed to make a guy feel like he is the most amazing guy in the world, its all superficial but until he gets his basic loving needs met from you, he would still seek the "pick me up" feeling from an escort.

 

 

I would recommend that you don't worry about him seeing them again in the future as he has told you about it, if he had intentions of seeing an escort again he most certainly would not have told you, I think you will find that he cares for you very much and would rather take the risk of losing you by telling you now than it complicating your relationship down the line, in my eyes, him telling you really is him giving you his all and all of him, the good and bad.

 

Men seeing escorts is really just an easier option than one night stands, All men know not to form feelings and they really don't. Its just a ****, a sure thing, not complicated way to release some energy, please don't be threatened by it. There won't be any crazy ex girlfriends chasing him or women saying he got them pregnant etc because he chose the business way of getting his needs.

 

These women will never admit it or hassle you or him, most women wont even remember him, hes just one John in a long list.

 

I tried to PM you but its not possible

 

Please feel free to ask me anything that is running through your mind about it and ill comment from both sides of the coin.

[smokey bear]

That's a smart decision. As you said, what explanation could he give that would make it OK? It's not about prostitutes...it's about lying and cheating.

 

 

And as for this quote, its not about lying and cheating, its illegal in some areas and it is highly misunderstood by the majority of people, in all honesty its highly misunderstood by everyone that has never experienced it, he risked a lot to tell the OP

[Million.to.1]

Smokey, re-read her post. He didn't tell her. She found out through his emails.

 

Your experiences with prostitutes doesn't make it ok for a guy in a committed relationship to use them for whatever reason behind his partners back.

 

I think the OP has made a smart decision. She wasn't judgmental at all about him using an escort before they started dating, but only once the were in a mutually exclusive relationship.

[Leigh 87]

Wow.

 

The exact same thing happened to me.

 

Was in a loving and supportive and HAPPY relationship. For 2.5 years. Living together.

 

Both feel "in love", supposedly, within 7 months.

 

He used hookers.

 

Look. There are two trains of thought here. You will not convince either party that their beliefs are wrong.

 

Perspective ONE: Men who are IN love, have an off switch. They can no longer engage in meaningless sex. Most people tend to think men IN love CANNOT have sex with other women.

 

I do not believe in this perspective. I think some men are damaged and have issues from within.

 

I do not think there is that magic off switch for ALL men that are IN love.

 

Perspective TWO: Men who are in love can do bad things. They would not have acted any differently, no matter HOW in love they were.

 

....................................................

 

 

Once you have decided your belief system, you can make a decision. If you DO Believe he is truly IN love with you, the sort of IN love you need if you do not want to settle for a half assed relationship, and want to be madly in love and get married.

 

THEN you explain that you will leave the relationship and not look back, or he has to change.

 

If you agree with ninjainpyjamas and other posters, that a man CAN NEVER be IN love and have meaningless sex?

 

Then leave him. Or he will leave you, as you will project your fear of this notion. That he is not IN love with you, and he would never have seen hookers with a woman he was IN love with.

 

..................................................

 

My gut feeling is that: my ex would have seen hookers with any woman, no matter how IN love he was. I believe some men have the capacity to be IN love, yet detach 100% and have meaningless sex.

 

The thing is, we deserve BETTER.

 

We are monogamous.

 

The hooker thing? Well, only open or poly relationships that involved two parties that are very experienced and are cut from a different cloth to most people, can thrive in such relationships.

 

Very few people are like that though (geared towards the poly or open relationship lifestyle).

 

WE do not seek out other men to sleep with. THEY have to be on the same page as us, no matter HOW in love they are.

[Leigh 87]

To sum it all up, I have been in your shoes, and yes you should leave him for now.

 

If he is in love with you and is simply able to do that to the women he is in love with (opposed to him only doing it to YOU because he was not in love, and NOT being able to do it to a woman he WAS in love with).

 

Even in the best case scenario, that he is in actually madly in love with you and can do terrible things... Is THAT the type of guy you want in your life?

 

Personally, I have guys that are interested in me that DO NOT use hookers when they are dating or in love.

[Leigh 87]

Ewwww. Next this guy. Giving him another chance wont fix his ****ty character. Falling in love doesnt change a persons character.

 

LOL at all of the dumb women who will tolerate such bad behavior. OP, would your boyfriend tolerate the opposite from you? Go look at the other thread here where a guy's girlfriend cheated on him ONCE and people said "giving a girl a second chance is not rational" Men get away with this crap because women like you tolerate it! Send him my way and the second he does crap like that to me Ill put him in his place!

 

 

 

I am not DUMB.

 

It is called being in love and wanting to be with a man who treats you like a princess and is otherwise VERY into you; yet has done something awful on a few occasions.

 

YOU'RE dumb. To think that there are not millions of smart, attractive and awesome women out there who try to overlook character flaws due to their love blinding them.

 

SMART women get blinded by love, my dear.

 

The OP is not some desperate loser who tolerates a guy who is just plain not into her, and who BLATANTLY treats her badly on a daily basis.

 

This man was probably like my ex; treats her like a princess, but has a character flaw in regards to hookers.

 

He is not necessarily a terrible person, either. Just flawed.

 

Some men tend to see A LOT Of hookers at a young age, and can therefore carry on their habit of meaningless and detached sex during their relationships that are based on LOVE.

 

You sound mighty ignorant and under educated, frankly, when you call women who put up with bad behaviour "dumb".

 

Like you seriously assume that no "smart" woman has ever stayed in a bad relationship, in general?

[smokey bear]

Four months into a relationship realistically you are nothing, there is no love etc yet.

 

 

There is a chemical reaction.

[Million.to.1]

Four months into a relationship realistically you are nothing, there is no love etc yet.

 

 

There is a chemical reaction.

 

 

A gross generalization. I have friends that married after 4 months. Going on 10 years together now and still very happy. I have been with my BF for 5 months and we are very much in love. (not your typical story though)

 

Regardless of the amount of time in a relationship, seeing prostitutes secretly is wrong.

[CC12]

Four months into a relationship realistically you are nothing, there is no love etc yet.

 

 

There is a chemical reaction.

 

That doesn't seem relevant at all. For whatever reason, he chose to enter an exclusive, committed relationship with her and led her to believe that he would not be sleeping with any other people, even escorts.

 

 

OP, I'm sorry that happened. I think you've made a sensible decision, though, and it's better to end it now than to try to force something that you know will never work again.

[sputnikswthart]

Thank you all for your input on my situation.

 

After much discussion with a good friend of mine, she advised me that no matter what my decision was, I needed to talk to him instead of just leaving him with a letter because that's the least I can do.

 

Well, I told him what I discovered and how I felt. Told him I was leaving due to those reasons. He initially got defensive about it and just clammed up. As I was packing my things, he finally broke down and confessed that he did hookup with a prostitute but he did it because he thought that would be the last time he f*cks another woman before totally committing with me as he had plans to spend the rest of his life with me if things worked out. He chose a prostitute because he thought it would be safe with no strings. He also came clean about his past. He has been heartbroken before with a past relationship and was emotionally unavailable during the last three years before i met him. He would engage in NSA (no strings attached) relationships, random hookups here and there but have not invested emotionally with anyone during that time. He was basically a manwhore. Early on in his life, he was deceived into believing he had a child from an ex-gf he had broken up with. He quit school to be able to help raise the kid but found out a year later that the kid wasn't his and the ex-gf knew and intentionally lied to him because he would be responsible about it. I guess that took a huge toll on him.

 

He's 39 and I'm 34. Both never married, no kids.

 

I'm heartbroken and conflicted with what I need to do. The last year and a half has been wonderful. Besides the hooker incident early on, he has been very good to me. He was everything I wanted in a partner. I just don't think I can fully trust him anymore and a relationship won't last without trust.

 

Can a man with with a vast history of casual sex ever be happy in a monogamous relationship?

[Joaquin]

I think it would be very hard to get over this.

 

But I'll say one thing for him, he's a terrific BS'er.

 

I would fully expect to be turfed out if my gf found out I ****ed hookers while we were together. I mean c'mon. ****ing hookers while you've got a gf waiting at home. Surely u deserve better than that.

[Arabella]

I'm heartbroken and conflicted with what I need to do. The last year and a half has been wonderful. Besides the hooker incident early on, he has been very good to me. He was everything I wanted in a partner. I just don't think I can fully trust him anymore and a relationship won't last without trust.

 

You do know what you have to do. You've said it yourself. You don't trust him and a relationship cannot survive without trust.

 

A man who cheats, or pays for sex, crosses an invisible line they cannot go back from. They enter a land where they can easily get sex on-demand to satisfy their desires. Once they do it once, it's much more likely they will do it again.

 

What are you going to do? Go on knowing he might do this at any point again, never fully trusting him?

 

Can a man with with a vast history of casual sex ever be happy in a monogamous relationship?

 

Who cares? He cheated on you! Focus on that. Isn't that enough answer?

[Joaquin]

And the question yr now being manipulated into asking is completely irrelevant to what has happened.