Are we headed for Reconciliation or Divorce?

[Mrs.S.]

We've been married for four and a half years, no kids. My husband and I had a fairytale love story - he's 6 years younger than I am, he's very private and had never had a serious girlfriend. We took things very slowly and neither one of us expected to fall in love. We did and he was the sweetest, most genuine, devoted boyfriend and then husband I could ever have wanted. We were closer than I ever thought possible between two people.

 

Over the past year or so we've been arguing over the same things, mostly household chores. I tend to get very overly dramatic and angry and in recent months I've gotten so frustrated that I've said that I don't know if we're in love anymore and maybe we should think about divorce. At first my husband said that he didn't want a divorce, that we needed to work on fixing things and that he loved me. After a few of these arguments and one long talk while on a hike, he told me one night that he never even considered divorce as possibility, but now he's wondering if it's something that he might want. I was shocked. I thought our arguments were just arguments. Everything else between us had seemed fine. We were trying to get pregnant and we had vacation plans, etc. We talked for a long time and the next day he told me that he felt better and that things were going to be fine. A couple of weeks later I went on a weekend trip to visit my dad/stepmother. I had a feeling of anxiety the whole time. I came back and that night he told me that he still was thinking about whether he wanted to be married to me anymore. Again, I was shocked.

 

The next night I caught him texting a girl from his office. He denied it twice, then came completely clean. They had been friends for about a year and they made a point to visit each other at work every day for the past few months. They started emailing on their personal emails and started talking about their personal lives. He started texting her that day. He said he had real feelings for her and wondered "what if things were different?" He said that he cared about her, but nothing - not even a lunch together or a flirtation - had ever happened. He broke down and apologized and said it escalated very quickly and he got caught up in the excitement and flattery of it. But he did feel like he had feelings for her and that he would "eventually get over it."

 

The next day everything fell apart. That was the first week of May. Since then he's been very distant with me, back and forth on whether he wants to stay together, he says he doesn't believe in true love, I'm the only person he ever let into his life this closely and it backfired on him, he thinks about the future and doesn't see anything that he's happy about, he loves me and feels a lot of obligation over anything else, he's not even sure if he wants to be married at all anymore, etc., etc. He said that he's just angry all the time now and a lot of the times I'm part of that anger and he feels bad, but he is directing a lot of it at me. He said that the day we went hiking and I brought up divorce again, was the day that I "broke" him. He said he just felt defeated and hurt beyond explanation.

 

We started MC right away, though I can't say that it's had much effect so far, but he does go willingly and he even went for an individual session once. Several times I've broken down and told him that if he wants to leave he can/should, that I would leave, that we can just end things if he knows that it's what he wants, etc. He says that he loves me and if he knew it was over, he would leave, so the fact that he hasn't should tell me something. I offered to try a separation and he said that 6 months living apart from someone is a long time and he doesn't want to do that.

 

He moved out of our bedroom a couple of weeks ago. I left him alone for about a week and last weekend he came to me and was super affectionate and loving and said that he wanted to try and work things out. The weekend was wonderful. Then on Monday he was distant and cold again. I had an endocrinologist appointment yesterday and he didn't even care about how it went. We talked again last night and he said that the weekend did seem like a nice break and at the time he meant what he said about wanting to work things out and be together. He said there are times that he thinks he can't live without me and that even talking about divorce is stupid and that of course we'll work things out and be together. But he said most times he's just unsure about if he'll ever have those feelings of intense love for me again and that he doesn't believe in having one person you're meant to be with and that he thinks being unmarried sounds really nice.

 

This killed me, and again, I offered to end things. He said no, but that he feels like he's hanging on and waiting for himself to feel these things again for me, but it just isn't happening. We agreed to try and find stable ground in some manner. He agreed to try to take down some of the wall between us and to give this a chance. I agreed to stop dwelling on the girl from work (not even sure if this actually was an EA) and to corner him into long talks about us every night. He came back to bed, but didn't say a word to me, look at me or even say goodnight. I got upset and then he got mad at me all over again and said that he knew I couldn't keep my end of the deal up.

 

I am devastated and heartbroken. I miss my best friend and my husband. Does this sound like I should hold onto hope or am I in denial of reality? Is this really all my fault and I killed our marriage?

[Balzac]

Over the past year or so we've been arguing over the same things, mostly household chores.

 

This seems to be your couples method of avoiding the core issues. Surely if you're discussing babies you've discussed hiring domestic assistance for tasks neither partner enjoys.

 

I hope you're on hold w trying for a child.

[Balzac]

Oh and welcome to LS. People here have been faced with and survived lottsa difficult relationship traumas.

[sherri333]

It sounds to me that there might be more to his "relationship" with the other woman. I have no experience with it but from what I have heard and read on here emotional affairs can be pretty heavy. I am not saying he was intimate with her just that his feelings for her might be more than you think/know. I also don't believe there hasn't been ANY flirting and he "just started texting with her". Maybe I am jaded though, I don't know. At any rate, it is good you are both in counseling. Maybe he should start going on his own also (more than just once) to try to sort out his feelings. Also, did you insist that he stop ALL contact with this woman? Because if he doesn't, things will just get worse.

[Mrs.S.]

Thanks. You're right, there was some form of flirting, I'm sure. He did just start texting her that day (I have the cell phone account access). And you're right, I do believe that his feelings for her are/were more than he would admit to me. Though he's admitted to me more about his feelings towards her and what he thought this was than I would have if it were the other way around. He promised that he stopped talking to her at work, on email, on text, etc. I do believe him for the most part, but naturally I wonder. He admitted the other night that he still has "passing thoughts" about "what if..." and how he misses talking to her and their friendship. He said that he knows it's just the situation and the excitement that he really misses and that it's probably not her that he was so hung up on in reality.

 

I honestly don't believe this girl is the core reason for the situation we're in. I believe our situation made it easy for this to happen. Not trying to be naive about it - I fully realize what has happened and that he invited it to happen.

 

He's just hot one day and cold the next. It's like he's a stranger and every once in a while I see a glimmer of the husband I know. Yet he insists he doesn't want to leave or talk details about separation or divorce. I just don't know when I should accept reality or if I should continue to be patient because there's something there I'm not able to see clearly.

 

And yes - we did hire a landscaper finally. Then we had issues with the landscaper and we argued over that. Ugh.

[stillafool]

You are in a tough spot. I wouldn't talk about your marriage, the girl or ask him any questions for a while if I were you. He is taking you for granted right now because he is developing strong feelings for the office girl. He is wondering what the sex would have been like, blah, blah, blah. If he really wants his marriage to work he may have to quit that job and find another one. Him seeing this girl everyday is hard for both to resist. It's just me, but honestly the next time he told me he didn't want to be married anymore I would pack my bags and leave or tell him to go find himself. You shouldn't have to put up with this shyt! I can assure you that begging him will only backfire. Don't beg.

[trippi1432]

Hi Mrs. S and welcome to LS. Before you start accusing your husband of having affairs, you both need to see the behavior pattern here. Nothing hurts worse than a spouse saying they aren't sure of their feelings and thinking divorce. Up to that day, he may have adored you...and yes, it may have made him start questioning his own happiness (it planted a seed of doubt).

 

What you are both doing now is dancing the push/pull dance of marriage death. You push, he pulls away, he pushes, you pull away. You need to know your value in the relationship as much as he needs to know his value. Not saying you pushed him into anything of his own choosing..understand that. He's an adult and can make his own decisions, but we all make mistakes because we are human.

 

A good thread on here for you to read (and I wish they would pin it to the top of this thread because it is a success story) is this one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/372616-stubborn-husband-might-leave-me

 

Read that and then come back here and see what the perspective is. The situation is a little different, but the advice can be used either way.

[Yasuandio]

Trippi nailed it in first paragraph. Then she nailed again in rest of the post. I participated in the thread Trippi is referencing. It was so difficult for many of us on LS to witness. The poor girl made a serious mistake just like youself. Immediately, posters took strong positions, just as I feel like doing right now. I do not think you can "unring this bell" - in my opinion, you have destoyed a certain innocence when you introduced the prospect of divorce, and now, your husband has followed suit. Things will never be the same. For what? Chores?

 

It is a difficult path you have now. It is also difficult to help someone travel this path. I got so frustrated that had to apologize several times on the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/372616-stubborn-husband-might-leave-me thread. But I was SO elated when they finially worked it out! Interestingly enough, much of the accomplishments were due to the young lady's "stubborn" gut instincts - and her resistance to take advice from LS Vets(like moving out, giving him distance, etc.). So, for this same reason, I would recommend that you look tour own gut instincts on how to resolve this matter. Taking ownership is probably a good first step.

 

Now two bad choices do not add up to a good situation, and I am not condoning your husband's experimentation. And I will also warn you not to be blind, or in denial about it either. I don't really know what you can do about that. If I were in your shoes, I would simply find it unacceptable, period, end of story. No matter if I made the mistake with the divorce word - if it has come to a third person in the marriage, then ther is no marriage in my estimation, and someone needs to leave. But that's me, and you are not me.

 

Marriage Builder's website has a good formula to handle this kind ogf issue, called Plan A and Plan B, that perhaps you might want to look into. It is good that you are reaching out, and accepting all points of view - even if it is going to be a little rough. I do regret that I had to just get straight with you. Seriously - have a look at MB. That is a reasonable proposal for your husband. Yas

[Mrs.S.]

Thanks- I'm reading through the "Stubborn" thread now. This afternoon I texted him to say "hope your afternoon is good!" and said "I love you!" at the end. A couple of hours later he replied "Thanks, you too." It was like a slap in the face. I was trying to be light and affectionate and he blew me off. Unfortunately I got upset and called him and asked what was wrong. He got mad because it's not really easy for him to take personal calls at work and we just argued for like five minutes. He texted me later and said he's tired of all of this and he doesn't want to have another long talk. He said he loves me but this just isn't working and that maybe he really has changed completely. He said he's not leaving or anything but let's just relax and hit the brakes for a minute. He said I'm getting myself riled up and he's getting frustrated and mad.

 

I apologized for not handling this well. He replied that he doesn't know how to handle it either and that he just wants a little bit of peace right now. I said that I just don't understand how all of our progress from this weekend just came undone. He didn't say anything, but he should be on his way home from work soon. I don't know if I should insist on figuring out what happened and where we are now or if I should just stay distant and make myself scarce like I did last week. This has been going on for two and a half months and I am so tired and worn out.

[imtooconfused]

Mrs.S., I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I participated in the other thread on-and-off and I unfortunately do not see any parallels. One partner made a relationship mistake and the other partner felt overly offended. I don't see where that is the case here, because the text messages in this case are a distraction, a symptom of the problem, not the root cause of the troubles.

 

It sounds like you two are playing a game of divorce chicken. "I'm not in love with you anymore so divorce is the only option." "Well you can't divorce me because I am divorcing you."

 

The arguments over little things like chores hit closer to source, but the arguments are usually about peripheral issues. If you can figure out why the arguments over the chores are so emotional for you ("he doesn't ever listen to me", "I'm so overworked already") you might be able to turn the conversation around ("if you help clean up the kitchen, I will be less tired and can be there for you").

 

Either way, bringing up even the thought of divorce was a game changer and will take a lot of work to restore the trust in the relationship.

[imtooconfused]

It was like a slap in the face. I was trying to be light and affectionate and he blew me off.

 

Well trippi1432 was right concerning the other thread on one point. Emotions don't turn around on a dime. The OP here and on the other thread expected the partner to accept any romantic advance unconditionally and to completely ignore any anger or negative emotion. It usually works just the opposite.

 

At this point, I would like to recommend a book:

 

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships: Harriet Lerner: 9780060741044: Amazon.com: Books

 

One of the on-line reviewers sums it up perfectly: "In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the 'something wrong' in a useful way will the anger go away." This is what I was trying to get at in my earlier post.

[2sunny]

I would state exactly what you need from him- spell it out. Write it out.

 

Tell him IF he doesn't intend to meet your needs - then there's no reason to go any further.

 

If it were my list - it would include absolutely no more contact with his OW - including getting another job.

 

If he isn't willing to change - you have no way to work on your M.

 

One person making effort and the other pushing the spouse away doesn't make for a happy union.

 

I think he's really more connected to and distracted by his OW than he admits.

[trippi1432]

Thanks- I'm reading through the "Stubborn" thread now. This afternoon I texted him to say "hope your afternoon is good!" and said "I love you!" at the end. A couple of hours later he replied "Thanks, you too." It was like a slap in the face. I was trying to be light and affectionate and he blew me off. Unfortunately I got upset and called him and asked what was wrong. He got mad because it's not really easy for him to take personal calls at work and we just argued for like five minutes. He texted me later and said he's tired of all of this and he doesn't want to have another long talk. He said he loves me but this just isn't working and that maybe he really has changed completely. He said he's not leaving or anything but let's just relax and hit the brakes for a minute. He said I'm getting myself riled up and he's getting frustrated and mad.

 

I apologized for not handling this well. He replied that he doesn't know how to handle it either and that he just wants a little bit of peace right now. I said that I just don't understand how all of our progress from this weekend just came undone. He didn't say anything, but he should be on his way home from work soon. I don't know if I should insist on figuring out what happened and where we are now or if I should just stay distant and make myself scarce like I did last week. This has been going on for two and a half months and I am so tired and worn out.

 

When did texting someone and talking in person take the place of real emotion?

 

That's not an emotional connection..it's just one person's emotions pitted against two perceptions that get disconnected at the joint. Talk, speak to each other..person to person.

 

Keep reading......

[trippi1432]

When you get to post #909...maybe you will back up and really read the rest....it pretty much spells out how you can stop the cycle you are both on or go full speed ahead.

[Mrs.S.]

Thanks Trippi1432- I'll keep reading for sure. Our counselor told me a similar thing- that I am a planner by nature and profession and that trying to plan this process will undermine the whole thing. It's pushing my husband away even more. Last week I gave him space and he ended up coming to me and I thought we had turned a corner. But Monday morning came and it was back to his distance, confusion and indifference towards me. It sent me reeling because I really believed we had made progress.

 

When he got home tonight I acted cheery and we chatted about our day for a few minutes. There was no hug or kiss from him and he went to the gym almost right away. On his way out he told the dog, "Take care of mom, buddy" - but no hug or kiss for me. Do I keep up this act of indifference? It takes every ounce of my strength to keep my composure, from only a 15 minute interaction. I don't know if he'll sleep in here again tonight. He has to go to work early tomorrow for a meeting and tonight he stayed almost an hour late. I hate thinking the worst of him. In my gut I know he's not a cheater. But my unstable state of mind is making me worry about this. I hate being like this!!

[Mrs.S.]

Thanks Trippi1432- I'll keep reading for sure. Our counselor told me a similar thing- that I am a planner by nature and profession and that trying to plan this process will undermine the whole thing. It's pushing my husband away even more. Last week I gave him space and he ended up coming to me because he missed being close to me and I thought we had turned a corner. But Monday morning came and it was back to his distance, confusion and indifference towards me. It sent me reeling because I really believed we had made progress.

 

When he got home tonight I acted cheery and we chatted about our day for a few minutes. There was no hug or kiss from him and he went to the gym almost right away. On his way out he told the dog, "Take care of mom, buddy" - but no hug or kiss for me. Do I keep up this act of indifference? It takes every ounce of my strength to keep my composure, from only a 15 minute interaction. I don't know if he'll sleep in here again tonight. He has to go to work early tomorrow for a meeting and tonight he stayed almost an hour late. I hate thinking the worst of him. In my gut I know he's not a cheater. But my unstable state of mind is making me worry about this. I hate being like this!!

[Mrs.S.]

Not sure why that posted twice- sorry everyone!!

[trippi1432]

You haven't finished reading......

[trippi1432]

I hate thinking the worst of him. In my gut I know he's not a cheater. But my unstable state of mind is making me worry about this. I hate being like this!!

 

Understandable and why you need to keep reading.

[trippi1432]

This killed me, and again, I offered to end things. He said no, but that he feels like he's hanging on and waiting for himself to feel these things again for me, but it just isn't happening. We agreed to try and find stable ground in some manner. He agreed to try to take down some of the wall between us and to give this a chance. I agreed to stop dwelling on the girl from work (not even sure if this actually was an EA) and to corner him into long talks about us every night. He came back to bed, but didn't say a word to me, look at me or even say goodnight. I got upset and then he got mad at me all over again and said that he knew I couldn't keep my end of the deal up.

 

I am devastated and heartbroken. I miss my best friend and my husband. Does this sound like I should hold onto hope or am I in denial of reality? Is this really all my fault and I killed our marriage?

 

Mrs. S, no, this is not all your fault and nothing is dead yet. What you both have to do is honor the things you agreed on. Continuing to beat the dead horse on this person at work is just feeding the insecurity and he will keep putting up the wall...brick by brick.

 

So far, what has your MC sessions done for the two of you....besides this agreement?

[imtooconfused]

Do I keep up this act of indifference? It takes every ounce of my strength to keep my composure, from only a 15 minute interaction.

 

Indifference begets more indifference. Instead of indifference, act friendly, warmly, but be yourself, not an overly loving, romantic, over eager to reconcile wife. At this point, consistency in emotion is by far the most important quality you can present.

 

In return, your expectation is that you will receive indifference from your husband indefinitely. You cannot have any expectation that his feelings will change over night, this week or perhaps not even this month.

 

An ice cube takes a measurable time to melt. But consistently friendly emotion will break through, in time.

[2sunny]

He wants peace? He needs to explain to you exactly what that looks like for him!

 

If that includes you pretending - don't agree to it! Pretending to be all loving - while he is spending his time and energy focused on another woman would be living the lie for you.

 

If you don't like the way he's behaving - say so!

 

He's been disrespecting and disregarding you... Nothing about that is right!

 

Speak up for yourself! Have a voice; speak your truth!

 

If you have to give up your happiness to be with him - that's not likely to work out well for you.

[Mrs.S.]

I am devastated. I'm pretty sure it's over between us. Last night he came home and said that I had 10 minutes to talk to him. I asked him again what happened between the weekend (when he said he wanted to be together and that things were going to be ok) and today (he is cold, indifferent, distant). He wouldn't answer and said he's sick of talking and the drama and he just doesn't know what he wants. He said he loves me but this just isn't working and that he does think that he's changed. He said again that he feels like our marriage was me forcing him to give everything up, manipulate him, force him to be something he's not, etc. He said he's finished letting me win and that if I wanted to see a change I would have to prove it to him. I said that's not love - making me earn your affection and our marriage. He said that's not what he means, but he's not making the first move. He came to bed in our room again and I started crying and he said, "don't do that," and rubbed my back. After that I fell asleep.

 

This morning I asked him to please tell me the truth about what's going on. He told me he's afraid of how crazy I'll be if he tells me anything. After about 10 minutes of insisting, he told me that he does still talk to the girl at work. He said that everything "inappropriate" has stopped - the personal emails, the texts, etc. - but they still talk in person at work almost every day and they email back and forth at work about funny office stories, he helps with her things (he used to be her manager and then they kept in touch when she moved to a different team last fall), etc. He said they're just friends and that nothing will ever happen and he has no intention of anything ever happening. He said that he has a right to have a friend and he's not giving that up because I tell him to. I said that this is not just a friend and it can never be just that. It has already crossed the line. I told him that even if their physical friendship is platonic, he told me that he had real feelings for her, he thought about what it would be like if he could date her, he thought about what would have happened if he had met her six years ago (before we were together) and that he is attracted to her. He said so what, nothing will ever happen and she's just a friend to him. I said that it's not ok to have a friend that he has feelings for, feelings he's supposed to have for me. I asked him if he still thinks about those things and is attracted to her (of course he is) and he shrugged and just said, "maybe."

 

I asked him point blank if he would cut off all contact with her and he said, "Honestly, I don't want to." I was floored. I said, "Then this marriage is over." He said "Fine. If that's what you want. I really don't care anymore. You've pushed me into not caring anymore." I told him to give me his wedding ring and i would put them away and he wouldn't give it to me. I asked if why he couldn't give something up that hurt me so much and was so damaging to our marriage. He said that it's not her that he can't give up - that it's the fact that I'm making him give something else up and he's sick of it. He said that he's not letting me tell him what to do anymore. I said that the fact that he still looks forward to her attention, needs it every day in some way, is still attracted to her and is willing to end our marriage over it, is NOT ok. Not to mention the fact that she KNOWS he feels this way about her and she still encourages it and keeps him hooked on her. She has told him that it's "bad timing for both of us" as far as pursuing something. How can he think that this is "just" a friendship? Am I irrational to reject that? I believe that nothing will happen and that in his mind it's all appropriate contact, but the fact that he NEEDS her in his life in some capacity is what is very wrong. And that he won't end his relationship with her simply because it's hurtful and damaging to our marriage, which should be his priority.

 

He left for work before I did and I said again (which I HATE hearing myself like this), "So you won't stop this for US? You really won't?" He said, "I'm seriously afraid of what crazy things you're going to do today. I swear to you, if you contact her in any way and embarrass me, it's immediately over. I will be gone and I will never speak to you again." I said, "Why would i do anything like that? If you end things with her, I have no reason to be crazy. If you won't end it, and it's over with us, I also have no reason to be crazy." He was like, "I don't believe you. You need to show me first before I stop talking to her." I said, "So again, I have to EARN your willingness to end it with her?" He said, "You have to show me first." And I said, "Don't you get it? It's not about what I want or getting my way. This isn't ok and it's hurtful more than I could ever tell you. And you don't care!" He said, "Most of the time, I don't care anymore, you're right." So we kind of had a stand-off at the door to the garage. He finally said, "Look, let's have a cease fire today. I know you're going to have a field day with the marriage counselor tomorrow morning, so we'll talk about it then. Can we agree to that?" I said, "Will you stop talking to her?" He said, "I won't talk to her today." I said, "But you will tomorrow?" He said, "We'll see how today goes. I mean it - I'm finished talking to you about this." I said (which also makes me cringe), "So what are we doing about us? Are we still working on this?" He said, "I don't know. Let's just cease fire like I said, ok?"

 

First of all - I know, I am thinking what you are thinking. I have turned PATHETIC. How many times and in how many ways does he have to tell me that he DOESN'T CARE and DOESN'T WANT me? The fact that he has lied to me again for a month and a half about not having contact with this girl, no matter how he justifies it in his mind, is horrendous. He is hung up - literally hateful towards me - about feeling like he's been my "b#$^h" for our entire marriage and he's adamant that I will never get my way again. He's put me in a position to "earn" his love and respect - and even a chance to work on our marriage is being held over my head, dependent upon my actions towards him and how he evaluates me.

 

Am I in denial? I just can't believe that this is my husband - with whom three months ago I had a loving, happy, future-oriented, committed marriage with never an inkling of a thought that any of this could happen and that he could be involved (even emotionally) with someone else.

 

Can a marriage come back from this? Should I insist he move out and end things? Or do I accept that he's been seriously injured in our marriage, though unbeknownst to me, and make allowances and agree to be trampled on for a while, until he feels he has gained some control and self-respect in this? Is that really love or am I too caught up in labeling things as "this is love" and "that's not love" and "this isn't marriage?" Am I really guilty of forcing him into everything just because it's what I want and need?

 

I really appreciate your perspectives. This is the hardest, most confusing thing I have ever been through. I'm afraid my marriage is over.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Mrs.S.

[Yasuandio]

Mrs. S.,

 

I'm going to get real with you for your own good right now. You have to get a grip on your emotions. You are seriously messing up. You made threats about the marriage again today. Ultimatems - that I don't believe you are prepared to back up. Per your account of the discussion, you said it was over, then you kept asking if he would drop the girl, then re-stating it would be over if he didn't.

 

Honey, you are spinning. Your are lashing out lake a scared animal. You have to back off now! You have to get control over yourself, and gain your composure back. What you are doing is destructive, and is not going to work - if anything, you are pushing him straightaway into this girls arms.

 

You may need a tranquilizer or something. Schedule an emergency appointment with your doctor immediately, and see what needs to be done. I know your are upset. But you can't act like this anymore. If you cannot control yourself, then someone needs to leave the premises. In my opinion, if you don't stop this haranging - there will be nothing to harang about other than splitting property. Now honey - listen to me, please.

 

NEXT, once Mrs. S. has her emotions and body under control, the next step is to come up with a plan of action to handle this marital situation. Not threats, arguements, or ultimatums on your part. And not "I'll think about it's" on his part.

 

This is where the Marriage Builder's website is going to be very useful to you. I believe you might be desiring (deep in your inner soul), what is called "transparency," on the MB site. It is a more reasonable request than the demands you were trying to issue and the vague responses thereto you were receiving earlier today.

 

I comprehend the urgency you feel in your heart. Touch it, where is it? See, it is only fear. Fear is nothing to fear. Realize it is only fear, and do not be afraid, you are going to be ok - no matter what, honey!

 

So today, you have learned for the last time that screaming, yelling, begging, demanding, bargaining, threatening - none of these is going to solve your issue. Now you are going to do a complete 180 (this research on the "180 technique" is critical for you to implement now as well). Do not have any serious talk at all with him. Hello, a nice pleasant goodby, and nothing else. You will be seeing the doctor, to find out if you need medical intervention - keep it to yourself. Say nothing.

 

Posters will be to your rescue here. I know they will. Don't lose it, again, please. Yas

[2sunny]

I think you did great considering he kept trying to turn his bad behavior around on you.

 

Me---> I'd be changing the locks and telling him not to come home.

 

He makes her his priority---> the marriage was over the minute he did that. He just didn't bother telling you he replaced you.

 

Be mad - be flaming mad at him!

 

He's made decisions and actions that have ruined your marriage!