Are we headed for Reconciliation or Divorce?

[revitup]

Mrs.S. I have read all of your posts and not the responses from others-after page three.I see this as being awful for this girl.She is caught up in something she has no way out of except leaving her paycheck.

 

There may be some sort of attraction from your H toward her,it may be that he is just more honest with you than most husbands-or wives would be in this situation.I know he lied about some things here and that's bad.I don't see it as necessarily a deal breaker though.What if you worked with a male boss that was handsome?And there are some handsome men bosses-I was one at one time:)

 

My STBXWW was always jealous and it didn't matter what the secretary or assistant looked like nor how old she may have been.I saw some of them as attractive women and liked them and had much in common with them as well.I never saw them as a threat to my marriage.I did however try and distance myself from any situation which may had any appearance of inappropriate behavior.I never strayed or cheated.It didn't matter in the end,I still was accused.

 

Sometimes (not that this is the case with you) men and women are attracted to a partner and the very traits that they are attracted to in the beginning are the same ones they now hate because others will surely see those traits as being attractive as well.I only say that because I see a pattern of insecurity in your posts.You are obviously very well educated and successful and insightful.It appears that you would have no problems making yourself attractive to another man,I bet you get compliments from men at work and while on vacations as well.Is that a problem?

 

I guess I have a question as to why your H is so adamant about standing his ground in regard to this lady at work.He may be asserting himself to feel in control or something.How do we know he is even telling the truth about her being interested in him?

 

You state that in the beginning he was behind the eight ball and you were financially stable and far ahead of him in the world of education and career.Could you sense a small insecurity now that your H is moving up in education and career?

 

It appears that you bring up divorce more than any man or woman would want to hear.Then when your H does a passive aggressive "well at least we are friends",you are upset.This would be my reaction as well when divorce was used to check my temperature.I think your husband may be trying to protect himself when he does this.

 

My suggestion is that you and your H invite this woman for dinner and see what happens,she may not even think anything of what is going on here.She may be in the dark as well.Invite the whole team though and it will not be that awkward for her.

 

Who knows if it will work or not,it doesn't look as though it would hurt anything at this point.I would think this to be better than planting bugs on my car and private eyes all over me.

 

I am not on any side here,simply stating my POV.

 

REVITUP

[It-is-what-it-is.]

How you doing?

[Mrs.S.]

I'm back after a crazy month of traveling and catching up again at work.

 

I don't think this is just "awful" for this girl. I was very rational and non-blaming towards and about her - at first. She acted contrite and clueless about the whole thing when she and I "texted" the night I found out and let her know what my husband had told me and asked what her intentions were. I actually felt better that night than I have in the past four months.

 

The next evening I found out that she texted him as soon as I left for work that morning. In recent weeks I found out that in those texts she had asked him if he was ok because she was "worried about him." He told her that they had to keep all future communication professional and stop talking outside of work. Instead of completely agreeing because she was mortified at the situation about which she was supposedly clueless and embarrassed, she said, "But I really like talking to you..." And she proceeded to dangle the carrot in front of him in the guise of friendship. In one breath she told (texted) him that he should try to work things out with me, and in the next breath she told him that her feelings on being with him are that it's "just bad timing for both of us." And that when it comes to them possibly being together if the situation was different, she said, "Hmm...let's not talk about that..."

 

I don't consider her innocent. She also (with his full participation, I know) continued to pursue personal contact with him, even after he began cooling things off with her and told her that it had to be work-related interaction only. She still IM'd him at work with things like, "I'm in such a bad mood..." and "Where have you been?" and "My weekend sucked..." to draw him into personal conversations. In fact, he said that's when he realized that it wasn't possible to just be friendly at work and that he had to be more obvious about not wanting personal contact. And being specific about not asking how he is or how his weekend was is necessary because she uses that to draw him into a personal conversation. It's never just cordial small talk. It always leads to her trying to get more attention and personal chats with him.

 

She has "acted" innocent, but she isn't and I didn't condemn her immediately. In fact, the night I texted her, she said that she was so embarrassed and I replied that she had nothing to be embarrassed about since she thought it was just a friendship. I gave her too much credit. She continued to give him just enough to keep him interested and the fantasy alive.

 

I really believe that if I was truly innocently friends with a guy at work and his wife contacted me and told me that he had feelings for me - I would be mortified beyond belief. I would back off completely and immediately, respecting the fact that his marriage is incomparably more important than any friendship he has. That would have been the end of it. In fact, I had a co-worker/friend once who was behaving this way with a married male co-worker in our office and I told her that I wanted nothing to do with it - I didn't want to hear about it or know about it because I disagreed with the lack of respect that she had for his marriage. That was five years ago and I never imagined I'd be dealing with this personally.

 

Anyhow, my husband told me yesterday that a manager is willing to change shifts/teams with him and that it should start within the next week to two weeks, assuming their managers approve of it. He's clearly unhappy with the new shift (4 days/10hours) and I feel bad and don't want to go down the road of controlling wife again, but the alternative is for him to continue managing her indefinitely. That's not ok either.

 

I've been extremely angry in marriage counseling the past two weeks and I can't seem to stop. I don't fully trust him yet, though I don't think it would be expected that I should. He keeps saying he wants to move forward and build positivity (not sure if that's a word) between us. I feel like he wants me to forget this happened. He says he's tired of feeling like he has to prove everything to me. I feel like I don't really care what he's tired of at this point.

 

I guess that's where we're at right now.

Edited August 7, 2013 by Mrs.S.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Glad you posted an update. Welcome back

 

What your husband is doing is "rug sweeping" which while it does make the mess go away, it never resolves it. It's just there under the rug.

 

I do not believe that unless your husband accepts that he had an affair that he can understand or help you feel safe.

 

So you won't be safe, cause he didn't learn how he caused it.

 

And you still sit in the mommy role, telling him what to do.

 

You can't win.

 

What does your marriage counselor say?

 

Has he read "not just friends?"

[revitup]

Glad to see you back Mrs S.

 

You have a nightmare on your hands with this OW that I didn't see before.She is obviously a willing participant in the destruction of your relationship.Maybe she has attachment and commitment issues.She sure isn't helping with her behavior.I do think that after all is said and done,this OW will run for the hills.

 

You are stronger than I am in this thing.I see you as a strong and educated woman with a real career and great work ethic.

 

My thoughts are,why do you think your husband does not see these qualities and appreciate you?

 

Why do you stay involved with your husband if he is unsure of how to make this right?

 

I guess I am a little angry at men who take for granted (and off the market) the good women who are worthy of love and appreciate it,and leave the rest of us with the ones we end up with!

 

 

I wish you the best and am really interested in seeing you get through this one a winner.

 

REVITUP

[Mrs.S.]

My thoughts are,why do you think your husband does not see these qualities and appreciate you?

 

Why do you stay involved with your husband if he is unsure of how to make this right?

 

 

Obviously, I have played a role in the issues we have in our relationship. I think he didn't know how to handle how he was feeling (nor did I apparently) and he took the road of rebellion and self-indulgence.

 

I'm trying to work through this together with him for a couple of reasons, I guess. We do truly love each other - that is still very much true and we both know it. He was young when we got married and I was his first serious girlfriend - not that this excuses what he did, but I made some dumb thoughtless and shortsighted mistakes with previous serious boyfriends. When I step back and look at the situation, though he did make it worse by the lies and the attachment he had to her/the situation, I do realize that 1. he immediately cut off communication with her outside of work. 2. he went to marriage counseling with me immediately and willingly and he still is 3. nothing physical ever happened - including coffee breaks, lunches, happy hours, etc. and I do believe that 4. his lies were about talking to her in a friendly manner at work and about the team situation, and he never lied about continuing to text or email her, talking to her about his feelings, spending time with her, etc. 5. it seems like he's actually coming through with the change in team which will put him in a part of the office/building that he would never encounter her.

 

I wish you the best and am really interested in seeing you get through this one a winner.

 

REVITUP

 

Thank you, I truly appreciate that.

[Yasuandio]

"what you would do in a situation like this" opposed to what this girl is doing is not a fair comparison, because, she is an idiot compared to you. A dummy is not going to make the same choices as a mature professional woman like yourself. Likewise, you would never get all "ooie-gooie" over a married man, that was your superior at your place of business, would you? Only a dummy would do that, some weak, pathetic, a&&-kissing chick with low self esteem falls into and seeks these arrangements.

 

That said, these type of "dummies" cannot fall into such "arrangements" if they do not become available, right? And certainly, if the "arrangement" drys up, then one might expect the tone of the talkie-talk to change. But it hasn't, has it? I think that is interesting. If I were that dummy, I would have gotten pis't off I think. Or at least my feeling would have got hurt - and I'd be feeling vengeful. In fact, I might even blame it on YOU, if I were the dummy. (Isn't it also interesting how everyone blames everyone else, except the spouse that stepped out of the marriage?)

 

I don't mean to be sarcastic, Mrs. S., but look at what proportion of your post is devoted to dissing the girl (I mean, the dummy). I don't excuse her, but we have to remember, she is not anywhere near your level of sophistication - she is the epitome of a dummy, seriously. This is cat Mr. S. Dragged into the house, not you. And now, you have to lower yourself to negotiate the resulting complications of the fleas, ticks, and catshyt this feline dummy has left in it's path (may still be for all you know). That's a big rip-off, Hon. That is why you are starting to not care about "his problem" now.

 

Anyway, I guess I resent him for bringing this to your table. Now you must eat it. When you try to season this shyt food with a little salt, BAMM, you are the bad guy. You made the poor husband trade his good shift away. That makes me want to puke. It-is-what-it-is called that one right, all he did was get out the broom, and now you look like the wicked witch. Right.

 

Oh. And the worst part. "He's tired of having to have to prove everything." I have an answer for that. If you don't want to have to prove you are not screwing around with a girl at work, then try not to screw around with a girl at

work. It is that simple. There is only one reason the issue of transparency has emerged between the two of you. And why is that? Too bad, if he is tired. Really, he should be begging on his knees to show his tranparency.

 

Frankly, with your husband's negative attitude in the MC, I think he needed someone to smash a cream pie in his face when he started that complaining. I would tell him to keep his shift. Changing shifts is not going to shift anything except his attitude - it's already happening, as you see.

 

And if rug-sweeping and attitude is all your gonna get in MC, (and plus I promise you he is not going there willingly), then I would quit. See if he picks it up on his. I doubt it.

 

Sorry, I feeling a little negative about your situation Hon. That is just how it looks to me. And I believe you want me to tell you the truth. Yas

[2sunny]

I think the hardest parts to read are:

 

That your H is SLOW to take action to restore YOUR peace of mind.

 

And

 

He consistently lies with his omissions.

 

 

His delays give ample opportunity for him to have plenty of his beloved ego boosts.

 

Yes, you have every right to be angry - he's doing very little to change things for the better and he's doing nothing solid to rebuild the trust he's broken (smashed and continues to smash).

 

Those are reasons why you can't feel it's moving forward!

 

Looks like it's gone backwards - and AGAINST the M - for a good long time!

Edited August 7, 2013 by 2sunny

[Yasuandio]

Uh Oh! I just read the careful response to Revitup. Nevermind my post Mrs. S.! Just ignore. Sounds like everything is under control, the guy is just having those kind of issues people have in relationships. He just married early, and is inexperienced and vulnerable, I guess. I didn't realize that background history piece. Too bad that girl took advantage of the poor guy. What a B! Good thing your there to help him get thru this. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. Have a good night. Yas

[2sunny]

There may be value in having an honest conversation with her "long term boyfriend".

 

He has every right to understand how she's been spending her time and energy being such a good friend to your husband - to the extreme that she oversteps private marriages and personal boundaries to get her ego boost.

 

He should know his GF can't be trusted around other men.

 

I'd call him.

[trippi1432]

Mrs. S - I have to agree here on a lot of counts, one - you are putting the responsibility on the OW, too much of it. Sure, she was a little trollop interfering in your marriage, but obviously....she got the idea she was invited.

 

He would love for you pick up the broom and dustpan while he holds the rug to sweep it all under. It gets him off the hook. I bet he's already said in his complaining, "Look, I'm changing shifts, what else do you want me to do?" Well, that is actually a very easy answer for you Mrs. S, when you don't help him sweep it under the rug.

 

2 - it's about him looking at himself and admitting his weaknesses. Seeing where he went wrong. Wonderful, he's been Mr. Honest so much it hurts....but he still has not taken ownership of his responsibility. Understandably you want to look at the role you played, but you are not trying to "get your way again"...not this time. It's about him growing up and being a REAL man (no matter if he was young when the two of you first got together). Understand your way of thinking about what you stated about his being young, yes, he was young...he is younger....that does not give him entitlement to act like a child, nor you to mother and coddle him.

 

Yes, I know that sounds harsh.....but I think if you think about it....you'll come to the conclusion why you have really been upset. You are still playing a role here that you want to get away from....that's feeling like you have to be the responsible adult when he needs to grow up and be a man. A REAL man would know that he messed up, show empathy....while he is throwing out the right actions here (changing shifts)...where are his words that should match that since he is "clearly unhappy"?

[2sunny]

Since info has been missing in prior situations - has he specifically requested that his OW not be moved in the future to his shift (IF he moves his shift)?

 

Since they BOTH still work there - the chances of HER being moved to his shift still exist. And I wonder if he would tell you IF she was moved in the future to his shift.

 

He lies by omission - and she seems to worm her way under his supervision at every turn - I wouldn't doubt if she ends up on "his team" AGAIN without him telling you AGAIN.

 

I can't see how any form of staying at that job will give you ANY peace of mind.

[trippi1432]

Since info has been missing in prior situations - has he specifically requested that his OW not be moved in the future to his shift (IF he moves his shift)?

 

Since they BOTH still work there - the chances of HER being moved to his shift still exist. And I wonder if he would tell you IF she was moved in the future to his shift.

 

He lies by omission - and she seems to worm her way under his supervision at every turn - I wouldn't doubt if she ends up on "his team" AGAIN without him telling you AGAIN.

 

I can't see how any form of staying at that job will give you ANY peace of mind.

 

If he's a gas station attendant, I would agree...even a BK "chef"...but forcing him to quit his job to make her happy is just playing right into his hands of making her out to be a control freak (why, because she has a career?)...plays right into his emasculated man-child card. NO!

 

Granted Mrs. S will need to figure out what "peace of mind is"...because until Hubby realizes his own role in this situation...it really doesn't matter where he works...it will repeat itself....again.

[2sunny]

If he's a gas station attendant, I would agree...even a BK "chef"...but forcing him to quit his job to make her happy is just playing right into his hands of making her out to be a control freak (why, because she has a career?)...plays right into his emasculated man-child card. NO!

 

Granted Mrs. S will need to figure out what "peace of mind is"...because until Hubby realizes his own role in this situation...it really doesn't matter where he works...it will repeat itself....again.

 

That's a good point Trippi -

 

IF he doesn't find that small crack that allowed him the wiggle room to act inappropriately - and fix that broken part of himself - he's likely to cheat again... Or become emotionally attached to another woman that makes him "feel special" enough to do inappropriate things... And harm the marriage.

 

He liked the ego feed - has he addressed why he was vulnerable to her? Has he changed that part of himself that was vulnerable for the affair?

[revitup]

Uh Oh! I just read the careful response to Revitup. Nevermind my post Mrs. S.! Just ignore. Sounds like everything is under control, the guy is just having those kind of issues people have in relationships. He just married early, and is inexperienced and vulnerable, I guess. I didn't realize that background history piece. Too bad that girl took advantage of the poor guy. What a B! Good thing your there to help him get thru this. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you. Have a good night. Yas

 

Yas you make me smile,

 

Mrs.S.,

 

We see you as deserving a better way of life than this,whether that means your H changes his behavior or you change husbands.You have been given a gift of intelligence and skill sets that most people (including me) are envious over.Your H has been given the gift of a loving and devoted woman.This is a rare commodity.Your H is taking this for granted.

 

Sometimes we can't see how much we are worth,others do see it.You are lucky enough to have people here who recognize your value and tell you so.Don't let a wonderful life slip away from you because of the "investment" you have made in a mediocre one.

 

In business I have learned we sometimes "lose" our investment in one endeavor or another in order to reinvest the remaining equity into a new more profitable investment,one that will pay off quicker and with less hassles than the original.

 

It's true the unknown is a little scary at times,yet that is the only way to know your true destiny.

 

You should press this man into the corner and force the issue.You should also stop the practice of always "covering" for his indiscretions at your expense.He is about to have his Masters Degree....he should be smart enough to know what he has at home.

 

Just my .02

 

REVITUP

[Yasuandio]

Time goes by quickly. Sometimes, even a sceptic like me even stoops to wishful thinking. Actually, I do break down, and fall into the hope - and it gets my head all ga-ga again. Even most recently, I started my own thread, Mrs. S., because I got out of my mind again, after having been strong and confident for a long extended period of time. One thing that has helped me over the months are two what I call "Truth Lists." One for me and one about him.

 

I type the entries into my phone list page.

 

1. My Truth List: Contains every compliment I receive from others, word for word. These compliments are defining "who I am" as I am perceived by others. So far I have about 18 compliment collected. The compliments tend to suggest that I am a loving and kind "people-person.". Yet it is interested that I have led a reclusive life for afew years more than a decade.

 

2. His Truth List: Here, I type in every item that come to mind where my former husband caused me great shame, humiliation, and embassment. The kind of things that make me want to never look him in the eye ever again. Interestingly enough, the sort of things I tend to forget about for some reason. There are about 10 things on that list.

 

My truth list is helping me re-invent myself, cause I got lost somewhere. I'm not suggesting you need a truth-list about yourself. You seem to be a bright, vibrant woman - with a strong, successful career going on. But I would like you to note, I used to be you. I was a well-published research professor, and travelled the world, just exactly like you. Asia, Brazil, Portugal - just in one year. That is no longer the case. I can barely leave my home without sever anxiety. I think my former husband treatment of me had a good deal to do with the loss of my career and my illnesses. Eventually, I could not handle his BS and also do my job properly, and I broke down after a decade of trying very hard to cope with both. And I was a strong successful driven woman. My accomplishments speak for themselves, and my published contributions to my field can never be taken away from me, I can always have some pride is what I was able to do when I was active, it will not disappear like I did. But I have been disabled for 13 years now. That is when he really gained some power over me (even though my insured disability income was greater than his). Somehow, I let this happen. I am not saying this is going to happen to you. I am merely giving you a case study of a highly intelligent woman dealing with an immature man that made bad choices, and didn't really get consequences.

 

Now, I would suggest for you the second type of truth-list, one that compiles statements your husband has made about this situation, so you keep them fresh in your mind. The reason I suggest this is because in your recent posts, I started even having a little bit of empathy for the guy, and with your explanation, I thought, reluctantly "oh, well, maybe we should give the guy a break," and I bought into your story about his immaturity.

 

This morning - I read Trippi's and 2Sunny's posts, and they got me thinking about not long ago, I recalled being really hacked off with this guy. So I looked back a few pages into your post - and "yikes!" There it was! So allow me to start your truth list, from only July 22, just 2 and a half weeks ago (post #151):

 

1. "Lingering feelings for the girl and was still somewhat attracted to her"

 

2. "Does have an attachment to her and the way she makes him feel"

 

3. "He does feel they are connected"

 

4. "He trusted her to an extent, and misses her friendship"

 

5. "She liked the same things that he liked just to agree with him - he kinda liked that.

 

6. "They had a lot in common, he felt very familiar with her.

 

7. "He has residual feelings for her and an attraction to her, he isn't interest in anything happening and never was."

 

8. "He said that sometimes he feels a desire to talk to her and be around her, but that he doesn't.

 

That is a good start for a Truth List if you want to take me up on the idea of making one to keep you grounded. Whenever I look at mine, I feel that "yuck" feeling. And another thing I wanted to mention, about these deviations he made and you shared with us, is a 2Sunny type question: what do you think he might have omitted? I think that is a really good question.

 

As I typed this new Truth List for you, I couldn't help but to believe these were the feelings and conduct of an infatuated man that was emmersed in a sexual bond with the woman he was speaking about. Read it like you're reading a novel - and see how it sounds. Then imagine - if the guy is at all human, he HAD to have left something out of the story to spare your feelings. That is common sense.

 

And as I recall, (Tripp or 2Sunny - correct me if I'm wrong), people having affairs tend to deflect or project their anger or blaming onto their spouse. Hasn't he kinda doing that to you, Mrs. S.? That is crazymaking. I remember being blamed and shamed for all sorts of weird crap: chasing men, two-timing, robbery, predudice, making goo-goo at the cashier if he took me out to Starbucks, insane BS - and I never left the dang house to do anything wrong.

 

FYI, Yas

Edited August 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[revitup]

Yas is right,This is classic "crazymaking" behavior.

 

Those of us who have been on the receiving end of this abuse recognize it quickly.I too was running off with every woman in the world,8-80 crippled blind or crazy,according to STBXWW,I slept with them all! I must have had some kind of miracle time machine in order to work 16 hours and still be able to do all of this sex mongering!

 

Mrs.S. we know what it's like to be in the dark in our own lives.I know I never wanted to see the truth.I think we all "split" those around us.What that means is that we "split off" the negative behaviors of our SO's and only see the wonderful side just as PD's split us "black" and only see our bad sides.Neither one is desirable in real life.

 

Mrs.S. you are seeing that which is good and pure in this situation.It could be to avoid the painful reality you are with a man who doesn't care about you as much as he once cared.That stings.I didn't want to see it either but when I accepted the facts I began to get stronger.You will too.

 

Yas's truth list is great.Yas thinks as I do,I have to "see" things for myself.I write them down , study them,read them aloud and accept the facts.This is a way of "knowing" for some of us.

 

Mrs.S. you say the two of you "love" each other.What does "love" mean to you? What are your definitions of love and care? How were those definitions formed? What would it take for you to feel that "love" has been given? What would make you feel your H has lost his "love" for you? Anything?

 

If you found out your H had slept with this OW,would it cause you to force an ultimatum with your H? Would you leave? What would cause you to leave your H? Anything?

 

I think you are hurting more than you let us know Mrs.S.,I also think you are so darn strong that you don't believe you are supposed to ever hurt,feel real pain,betrayal or even reach out to others with your feelings.I believe you feel you can think your way out of this.

 

I thought I could "think" my way out of anything.I was seriously wrong.I am learning to feel the pain of betrayal and the sting of unrequited love.It feels good to feel it,mourn the loss and then regroup.I like the challenge.

 

I hope I am wrong about it and your plan works.Who knows.

 

Please keep us all updated.

 

REVITUP

[Yasuandio]

Mrs. S., you are a pretty bad wife. Making that guy prove himself everyday. And now he has to change shifts just to satisfy you. When will your demands stop? Aterall, the guy hasn't had the luxury of the same emotional maturity life experiences as you. If you really love him, you must have patience as he grows and learns about life.

 

Do you see how his problem can be twisted into your problem? How you are even beginning to turn his problem onto yourself like you are under hypnosis? When you have a look at that "truth-list" from a couple weeks back - does that shift your paradigm?

 

Even, very early on, when you were blaming the chores for you "divorce" outburst, I think there was more to it. I said that a few weeks ago. I don't really think it was the chores or the threat I'd the "D" word that started this problem between you to - now as I've come to know you. I don't believe you would ever act so wrecklessly - or make such an impulsive threat without some great underlying provocation - even if it was of a sub-conscious nature, this "D" thing was not about chores. Your very good instincts, Mrs. S., were picking up on something back then. That's my take.

 

I wish I had listened to my instincts 15-20 years. My future would have turned out much different I bet. It's too late to un-eff my life now. Yas

 

PS. I really like that new word I learned!

[2sunny]

I admit - my gut has been saying throughout this whole thread that he was intimate with his co worker and that the connection lead to them having sex.

 

He just seems to "protect" his behavior AND the coworker (OW) too much (and STILL)covers up (by lying more) her presence on his team.

 

Couple that lying by omission with the fact that he won't get rid of her and keeps lying about her tells me he's done way more with her than he admits.

 

He's sneaky - that's enough for me to decide to leave a man - I don't dig sneaky! It means he's doing stuff he doesn't intend for you to know.

[2sunny]

Do you think your travel for business helps you to tolerate some situations in your M that you wouldn't tolerate if you were home every day?

[revitup]

I'm un-eff'ing myself right now

[Yasuandio]

Do you think your travel for business helps you to tolerate some situations in your M that you wouldn't tolerate if you were home every day?

 

That is a good point 2sunny. I remember all the traveling, publishing, and responsibilities of my career, on top of being "mommy" to a grown man, and I totally overlooked a lot of things. I just didn't notice stuff, that was real obvious to my colleagues that observed this unappreciative lil' Nazi I was bowing down to. Man, I just didn't see it.

 

My mind was busy with other matters, such as developing alternative diagnostic research methodologies and reliable/valid testing instruments to measure and assess cognitive functioning, and getting said published in important journals. Duh. I didn't really "get" what was going on in my own marriage. I just brushed off the disrespect and went to my computer to handle my deadlines. It's when I stopped working, and retired that I clearly noticed the disrespect and refused to take it.

 

That point gave me some reflection 2Sunny. Very interesting.

[2sunny]

By her husbands inaction - he continually disrespects the OP and the M by not doing more to change the situation by having the distracting, tempting gal from his life.

 

He's thinking fondly of her, still. He's still having feelings of being connected to her. He WANTED to be around her - and he still has that, now.

 

 

I have a hard time believing that's he's done everything in his power to ELIMINATE HER COMPLETELY from his life! In fact, he probably, and secretly, enjoys the fact that she's been around a lot - AGAIN!

 

I think he still lies - and is full of shyt - ANY man that INTENDED to eliminate the distraction in the M would have ELIMINATED her LONG AGO - but he hasn't! He just keeps allowing her to penetrate the M even more as time goes along.

 

 

Ad I don't believe he didn't have sex with her - he wouldn't protect her so much by omitting his truth if he hadn't had sex with her.

 

He lies easily. He stays quiet on info he SHOULD give. That leads me to believe he had sex but tells you he didn't.

 

At man isn't THIS protective of a woman he didn't have sex with.

 

Have him take a polygraph. He's not honest one bit.

[Yasuandio]

By her husbands inaction - he continually disrespects the OP and the M by not doing more to change the situation by having the distracting, tempting gal from his life.

 

He's thinking fondly of her, still. He's still having feelings of being connected to her. He WANTED to be around her - and he still has that, now.

 

 

I have a hard time believing that's he's done everything in his power to ELIMINATE HER COMPLETELY from his life! In fact, he probably, and secretly, enjoys the fact that she's been around a lot - AGAIN!

 

I think he still lies - and is full of shyt - ANY man that INTENDED to eliminate the distraction in the M would have ELIMINATED her LONG AGO - but he hasn't! He just keeps allowing her to penetrate the M even more as time goes along.

 

 

Ad I don't believe he didn't have sex with her - he wouldn't protect her so much by omitting his truth if he hadn't had sex with her.

 

He lies easily. He stays quiet on info he SHOULD give. That leads me to believe he had sex but tells you he didn't.

 

At man isn't THIS protective of a woman he didn't have sex with.

 

Have him take a polygraph. He's not honest one bit.

 

2sunny,

 

Of course, you are completely correct. There is no doubt about it - he effed her, left, right, north, south, east, west, up, down, and backwards. There is no reason to make lies and leave out information (i.e., stuff your wife should know immediately), if you have nothing to hide. And the bitch and moaning in the ZmC sessions is the typical blaimshifting I'd a guilty party - duh, gaslight time.

 

But a polygraph? Mrs. S. is already a bad enough wife as it is. Can you imagine what THEY'D be saying about her between the sheets if she started demanding a polygraph. Mrs. S. has way the heck too much class and dignity to go there, Hon. I say no way. Let him have his dummy. Mrs. S. has more important things to do than have her dumb shyt husband interrogated at the PD. She doesn't need to, anyone can see right thru his pathetic cover-ups, and tantrums.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Mrs S,

 

I see you have been getting lots of good advice...I am sure it is hard to read.

 

The common thread is that you might be trying to join your husband in rug sweeping. Because dealing with this stuff, really dealing, is painful. And frankly, it seems like Mr. S might not have the commitment to do it.

 

His pushing back about getting over it IS A SIGN, because remorseful spouses, who accept responsibility, know they have to live through this. Because they caused it.

 

He has continued to lie about contact (he has), but I see that you are choosing to believe his assertions that he has not been talking to her, so you either have a source of info independent of Mr. S. or you are taking his word for it.

 

I know you also said you are choosing to believe it was not physical. Earlier in the thread we told you that it is highly unlikely that they developed this type of relationship without some kind of physical (kissing, hugging) even if they did not have sex (which is frankly, probable), but you said you are choosing to believe they did not. Ok.

 

I have told you, and others have stated, that there were several ways for him to proactively address the work contact issue. Which he chose not to do. So he is still in a position of working with her. Changing shifts was HIS approach to dealing with it, not the only way. So you have to stop feeling bad about his chosen method of handling it.

 

You also have to stop letting him off the hook. That's what mommys do. Trust me, I am a mom. We try to (mistakenly) protect our children from feeling any pain. Stop it. The response to his discomfort should be "I am sorry you feel that way" don't apologize, don't make it better.

 

The girl is a piece of turd. She is irrelevant. The only thing you should know is that she has continued BECAUSE he allows it. She called him and talked to him because he allowed it. If he had better boundaries, nothing she could have done would have matted. Because he WOULD NOT HAVE ALLOWED IT.

 

If he's not acknowledging what he did, and how he contributed, he will do it again. (He should read NOT JUST FRIENDS)

 

You love him, you don't want to be the parent in this relationship, you want a fully committed partner. To get there you have to resolve, not rug sweep.

 

I am really pulling for you.