Are we headed for Reconciliation or Divorce?

[Yasuandio]

I say forget the whole thing. Let go of it. There's nothing you can do about it, without looking like the bad guy. Accept it, get past it, don't ever discuss again, and move forward.

 

Moving forward can look like what ever YOU want it to look like. Mrs. S. is now in control, period. Just be done with the whole dang, sickening, pathetic, mess. Wash your hands of it.

 

No more MC. No more nothing on this garbage. It is nothing but an irratant. You are an international business woman. This nonsense is insane. Make it be over once and for all.

 

Stay with him, reconcile. Tell him to keep his GD shift. Your have good reason to stand tall and remain a confident woman. You have nothing to fear from the pussy on two legs. As previously stated, (and the obvious conclusions based on her conduct), she's a dummy compared to you! And, perhaps, you may move on to another man yourself sometime. You never know what the future holds.

 

I have really deconstrusted this thing backwards and forwards. But - now, I'm thinking, the whole subject in beneath ALL of us. Do a kissy-face, but don't let him forget who is running the operation. Since you are in charge, you need to kick his a&& once in awhile, and, as long as you are bringing in the dough, you'll be able to keep the lil' buger in check. He can consider he got a "Warning" this time.Secretly, set up the finances so that if there is ever a "next time," you will cut him off at the knees.

 

Wha cha say girls?

 

PS

 

These kinds of "lapses" happen in all marriages whether people want to know it or not. And, when these things happen, I would refer to the new phrase I learned from AliveAgain: "it's not like you can un-eff someone." It too late. It's done. But it's just a bodily function, that's all. And when it's over, people put back on their clothes and it's like nothing happened. And really, technically, after a shower, bath, and a good scrubbing (with the exception of catching an STD), really, you totally are back to new - just like nothing really happened (except in your head), right? So just forget it. He can forget it easy enough since he's a man.

Edited August 8, 2013 by Yasuandio
Added PS and Manic Edits.

[2sunny]

It's still in his head. It is because he's still willing to put his M at risk for her...keeping her on his team. Protecting himself and his OW by omitting truth to his wife and his company.

 

He did have sex with her. It's still in his head or he wouldn't be allowing her around - but she holds the cards - because she has his secret and can blackmail him.

 

Yep, the OW is in charge - so the power is twice removed from you ---> first to your H ----> then to HIS OW.

 

So, in reality - you are bothered by this because his OW has all the power in your M.

[Yasuandio]

It's still in his head. It is because he's still willing to put his M at risk for her...keeping her on his team. Protecting himself and his OW by omitting truth to his wife and his company.

 

He did have sex with her. It's still in his head or he wouldn't be allowing her around - but she holds the cards - because she has his secret and can blackmail him.

 

Yep, the OW is in charge - so the power is twice removed from you ---> first to your H ----> then to HIS OW.

 

So, in reality - you are bothered by this because his OW has all the power in your M.

 

 

That may very well be true 2sunny. But the moment Mrs. S. doesn't give a shyt anymore, the power is her's. Done and done.

Edited August 9, 2013 by Yasuandio
Apostrophe on her's, I think?

[trippi1432]

Perhaps we should stop thread-jacking her thread with OUR thoughts and let her breath?

[Yasuandio]

Perhaps we should stop thread-jacking her thread with OUR thoughts and let her breath?

 

You're right Trippi. I've been in a manic episode for a few days. I apologize Mrs. S. I'm under a lot of legal/financial stress, my medicine isn't working very well obviously. I have been escaping my problems w/ LS. That was wrong. I will stay away. I was really trying to help you from my heart, but I am screwed up, and not well, sorry again. Yas

Edited August 9, 2013 by Yasuandio

[trippi1432]

You're right Trippi. I've been in a manic episode for a few days. I apologize Mrs. S. I'm under a lot of legal stress, my medicine isn't working very well obviously. I stay away. I was trying to help, but I am screwed up, sorry again. Yas

 

Hugs Yas, you didn't screw up anything....just give her time to respond....it's been a long day.

[trippi1432]

It's still in his head. It is because he's still willing to put his M at risk for her...keeping her on his team. Protecting himself and his OW by omitting truth to his wife and his company.

 

He did have sex with her. It's still in his head or he wouldn't be allowing her around - but she holds the cards - because she has his secret and can blackmail him.

 

Yep, the OW is in charge - so the power is twice removed from you ---> first to your H ----> then to HIS OW.

 

So, in reality - you are bothered by this because his OW has all the power in your M.

 

This one is really over the top 2Sunny....I think we all have to remember that the people on the other side of the screen are real people, not a reality TV segment.

 

Should we get Mrs. S to comply by bullying her with fear tactics? It's her marriage and her life. Give her the space to take things in...a lot of real advice was given today by many posters....these sorts of posts discredit and attempt to force...and when you force anything..everyone loses.

[2sunny]

This one is really over the top 2Sunny....I think we all have to remember that the people on the other side of the screen are real people, not a reality TV segment.

 

Should we get Mrs. S to comply by bullying her with fear tactics? It's her marriage and her life. Give her the space to take things in...a lot of real advice was given today by many posters....these sorts of posts discredit and attempt to force...and when you force anything..everyone loses.

 

I didn't think it was over the top - I am only going from the words she's provided.

 

I merely pointed out that the power seems to be in the hands of the OW - when all along it has appeared that its been in the hands of her H (and controlled by his inaction).

 

But it hit me today that it's actually being driven by his OW that continues to be in his life.

[trippi1432]

I didn't think it was over the top - I am only going from the words she's provided.

 

I merely pointed out that the power seems to be in the hands of the OW - when all along it has appeared that its been in the hands of her H (and controlled by his inaction).

 

But it hit me today that it's actually being driven by his OW that continues to be in his life.

 

Hmm..is she or is he making her to gain the upper hand? Unless you were in their home taking movies and following him...how can you witness but from your own prespective....? If you put Mrs S on the defensive...how does that make it right? It just back tracks to where she was finally gaining perspective.

 

I saw some banter today that reminds me of two of my friends that think they know my life better than I know it...what really pisses them off, I am ME..I will never fit in the "mold" of them.

 

This is her life..let her breathe.......

[revitup]

Just thinking of you Mrs.S.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hope you are doing ok.

[Mrs.S.]

I was really trying to help you from my heart, but I am screwed up, and not well, sorry again. Yas

 

No worries, Yas. I appreciate your thoughts - all of them! Hope you are doing better.

 

This one is really over the top 2Sunny....I think we all have to remember that the people on the other side of the screen are real people, not a reality TV segment.

 

Should we get Mrs. S to comply by bullying her with fear tactics? It's her marriage and her life. Give her the space to take things in...a lot of real advice was given today by many posters....these sorts of posts discredit and attempt to force...and when you force anything..everyone loses.

 

Thank you! I appreciate the perspective. Sometimes I do need the time to digest and reassess to do what's best for my situation. But, like I said, I appreciate all perspectives and thoughts.

 

Just thinking of you Mrs.S.

 

Thank you!

 

Hope you are doing ok.

 

Thanks!

[Mrs.S.]

Thanks again everyone for your continued thoughts and advice. After a particularly rough MC session on Friday, I needed a few days to think things over before making an emotionally charged and dramatic post.

 

Thursday night before he came home from work, my husband texted me and said that his shift will be changing starting Sept. 3, after their new FY begins. I just said ok, I'll believe it when it happens.

 

Friday morning we had a counseling session. After MC, my husband usually is very withdrawn and moody. I do know from previous sessions that this doesn't mean that he has rejected everything that was discussed or that he is angry. It's just his way of internalizing things. So I had stopped pushing so hard for continued conversation and contact with him afterwards. In the car on the way home, I was more upset than usual, but I didn't push him to keep talking. He reached over and held my hand and when we got home he gave me a big hug and reassured me that he was working on making things right at work and also on everything he knows he needs to fix about his actions. I know this was a big step for him, especially the attempt to connect with me right after our counseling session. That night he was just as thoughtful and invited me on a date the next night (which he hadn't done in a while since he's been so indifferent to everything the past few months).

 

I decided to meet him in the middle and I didn't bring anything up about the work situation or about us. We had a nice day/night and it was a nice break and probably the first day since this all started that we didn't have some kind of argument or meltdown about what's going on.

 

On Sunday I brought up the fact that even though we had a nice weekend, I wasn't rug-sweeping the whole thing and that I meant what I said about feeling like I won't feel safe to work on anything with him until all contact with the girl at work is completely over. He said that he understands how I feel and that he is truly doing everything he can and that he knows this is what he should have done a while ago. He said that he understands why I don't trust him right now and that he wants to work on the things he's been doing wrong, like our counselor said.

 

Yesterday he came home and came to find me in the house. He sat down and said that he knows this doesn't change what happened, but that he had been thinking all day about what the counselor said on Friday. He said that he's finally really seeing how selfish he was/is and how much he has been hurting me. He said that he's been feeling really awful and even though nothing changes what he's done, he wants to make things right. He said that he thought of another option to separate himself permanently from her that might work faster than switching teams in a month. I told him that what he said does mean a lot and that I've been thinking about what the counselor said also - about him being human and being able to forgive him for what he actually did as opposed to punishing him for things that I insist he wanted to do even though he didn't. That being said, I still need time and the establishment of more truths in order to trust again and fully move on. He said that he understands and that he wasn't trying to convince me, but to let me know how sorry he really is and that he understands now.

 

I actually did apologize for the things I had done to hurt him and told him that I wasn't trying to ignore the other issues and his feelings at all. He said I didn't have to say that or apologize, but that it meant a lot to him as well.

 

Like I had said before, I'm cautiously optimistic. I do see and feel a genuine shift with him and he's been more than patient and accepting of my anger and mistrust (rightfully so, but he hadn't been so much in the recent past). He's stopped rejecting my perception of things and he's committed to working on the things that have been making it even worse.

Edited August 13, 2013 by Mrs.S.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Mrs. S,

 

This sounds a lot better. Hope you guys continue to make progress.

[2sunny]

That sounds like things are turning around in a positive way!

 

I love the progress!

[revitup]

.................................

 

REVITUP

[trippi1432]

.................................

 

REVITUP

 

Just had to quote it.....Good progress Mrs. S.

[Yasuandio]

Bravo, Hon! Yas

[It-is-what-it-is.]

How you doing Mrs. S?

[2sunny]

Any new progress - changes being made?

[Mrs.S.]

No, things aren't good. My husband will officially change to another team and shift the day after Labor Day and he will be in a completely different part of the building than the girl. He's also told me that he's thought about things and he wants to be married and to be with me for sure and he wants to move forward.

 

However, he's still hot and cold to me (in my opinion) and though he has made some efforts, he still gets defensive and annoyed when I ask him about contact with her at work. Then I imagine the worst. He told me that - despite the email he sent her requesting no personal communication between them - she stopped him the hallway and asked how he's been. What did he do? He stopped and chatted with her for a few minutes. Of course he told me a week later, quite annoyed, and said he didn't want to make things awkward with her and that it was harmless. I said that he basically told her never mind in regards to the email, so nothing has changed. He again admitted that he still "doesn't do everything that could be done to discourage it" because he just doesn't want to create an issue. He says "it's not anything like it once was" over and over again like that makes it just fine.

 

I'm just tired of it all. The arguments, the decisions of whether to stay together, the feelings of betrayal that won't go away, the feeling I get that he's settling for our marriage now whereas it was once the most important thing in the world to him, etc.

 

I'm out of town visiting a long-time friend for a few days and already it's the same coldness from him, the back and forth texting arguments, bad feelings between us, all of that, as it's been for months. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't will or force things to be the way it used to be with us. Feeling very discouraged.

[2sunny]

No, things aren't good. My husband will officially change to another team and shift the day after Labor Day and he will be in a completely different part of the building than the girl. He's also told me that he's thought about things and he wants to be married and to be with me for sure and he wants to move forward.

 

However, he's still hot and cold to me (in my opinion) and though he has made some efforts, he still gets defensive and annoyed when I ask him about contact with her at work. Then I imagine the worst. He told me that - despite the email he sent her requesting no personal communication between them - she stopped him the hallway and asked how he's been. What did he do? He stopped and chatted with her for a few minutes. Of course he told me a week later, quite annoyed, and said he didn't want to make things awkward with her and that it was harmless. I said that he basically told her never mind in regards to the email, so nothing has changed. He again admitted that he still "doesn't do everything that could be done to discourage it" because he just doesn't want to create an issue. He says "it's not anything like it once was" over and over again like that makes it just fine.

 

I'm just tired of it all. The arguments, the decisions of whether to stay together, the feelings of betrayal that won't go away, the feeling I get that he's settling for our marriage now whereas it was once the most important thing in the world to him, etc.

 

I'm out of town visiting a long-time friend for a few days and already it's the same coldness from him, the back and forth texting arguments, bad feelings between us, all of that, as it's been for months. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't will or force things to be the way it used to be with us. Feeling very discouraged.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You don't deserve this - I hope it works out the way it's best for you.

[revitup]

Mrs.S.,

 

You KNOW! You may not know how or when or where but you know exactly what needs to be done for your own self esteem and happiness.

 

You certainly are a very forgiving and wonderful woman though.Where were you twenty years ago?

 

Got any sisters?

 

REVITUP

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Gosh. Sorry to hear that.

 

I know that it sounds like the talking and bickering are not resolving things. Maybe it is because he never really admitted to himself what he was doing?

 

Because he never really admitted it...once the stress subsides it still feels like you are making him make the changes so he doesn't feel like they are his choices?

 

• Changing shifts
  
• Not talking to her, even though he still says he has feelings right?
  
• Not being proactively transparent
  
• Still lying, evading
  

 

I can only say that I feel like the best course of action is to do 180. Someone has links I am sure.

 

Basically the theory is...start focusing on you. Not the marriage, you individually. Work out, make friends, school, hobbies. Whatever you need to do to regain your sense of self. Plan and do activities by yourself.

 

Stop talking about the affair, no fighting, nothing. You can be friendly and polite, like you would a clerk at a store. But no deep conversations, with him, do not spend time with him. Distant, polite, pleasant, not angry.

 

This provides you some breathing room to begin to heal. And maybe even start to figure out what you want. It is really calling a timeout...for you.

 

This is not one of those things where you say...honey lets have a timeout from affair talk. You just stop talking for you. I would also cancel marriage counseling, you can tell him you need a break.

 

Truth is, you can't 180 and heal the marriage, the 180 is to heal you. It will heal you and give you time to decide if you are able to go all in.

 

 

However, sometimes, the WS starts to panic because they realize there IS something far worse than their BS talking about the affair all the time....and that is when their BS doesn't care to talk about it anymore. Because the opposite of love is indifference.

 

I dunno Mrs. S.

 

I think I told you before, I personally would run away. But that always ends bad.

[revitup]

Play alligator,that's what I would tell him to do....

 

Play alligator and drag his sorry azz on down the road!

 

REVITUP