Are we headed for Reconciliation or Divorce?

[BC1980]

I'mtooconfused, it is unbelievable these recent posts you have made. You seem confused, alright. It is not ok to have a girl at work when you are married. And look at recent events. Both husband and girl are in trouble with HR at work (at no involvement with Mrs. S). They got in hot water all by themselves, through inappropriate conduct on the job - discovered by their own superiors. Wake up and smell the coffee. Re-read this thread, man.

 

I agree. It's not okay to have a friend like this of the opposite sex at work. This is how affairs start. It can easily escalate. If Mrs. S' husband cared about his marriage, he would not put himself in this situation. He also lied straight to her face. He should not put himself in a position where he feels he needs to lie.

 

Yas is right. Now, his life is crumbling, and Mrs. S is all he has left. He is in trouble at work, he lost his female "friend" at work. Mrs. S asked him to leave. Sh*t got real all of a sudden, and he can't handle it. So he reaches out to Mrs. S as a crutch.

[2sunny]

There's nothing that indicates Mrs S being abusive.

 

There is evidence of her attempting to address some healthy boundaries - with little follow through so far... Maybe that has changed.

 

Her cheating H isn't looking out for her best interest - so now she knows it's really only up to her.

 

Her H betrayed her, is emotionally connected to another woman - has put their M and his job at risk!

 

I'd say the evidence shows the cheating H hasn't considered Mrs S and her feelings. I'd say the cheating H is the abuser here!

 

Mrs S is simply trying to find a healthy boundary.

[trippi1432]

That's good. I like that. It shows the true face of emotional abuse.

 

Umm, don't get this....not sure how the previous post shows the true face of emotional abuse.

 

The first step in emotional abuse is to turn tables around. To make the abuser out to be the victim. Other steps include fabricating alternate realities (insisting that there is a physical relationship where no evidence of such exists) and setting up unrealistic and unattainable demands (cut off all contact with OW, even to the point of having to quit your well paid job).

 

This is partially correct; however, if we were to pick the entire thread apart, it could be said that emotional abuse is happening on both sides.... not just Mrs. S. Guess what Confused, when people are "confused", gas-lighted, given half truths, trying to sort the gray matter between the black and white of truth and lies...it's not emotional abuse when one spouse is trying to stop their divorce and save their marriage. Personally, for me, I put up with 15 years of emotional abuse..et. all, Mr. S would be picking his belongings up in the front yard. I care about myself too much to fight for someone who is "torn". That person would have had to plant an awful lot of deposits in the Love Bank to overcome that....and guess what MEN...it's not your penis that plants those Love Bank seeds, it's your actions.

 

My next message is for other men who are in a similar situation and stumble on this thread. Please know that regardless of the choices that the husband makes in this marriage, it is no longer a healthy relationship. The OP exhibits no care for the happiness of her husband. If you are a man in such a relationship, it makes no sense to run to the OW, but please, oh please for your own good, get out of this kind of marriage and breathe some fresh air. Despite what 2sunny may say, the husband is the one being manipulated here. Run now before it's too late.

 

And confused....you are correct, it IS no longer a healthy relationship. SOMEONE (Mr. S), introduced a 3rd party to sway his feelings for his wife......and yes, women who do this are JUST as guilty. Personally, I would have zero care for the husband in this situation.....he could have his cake but he isn't eating it too..again, because I know my self worth. The husband isn't being manipulated...but is being MANIPULATIVE. You really should understand the difference...I guess when you truly post your own "experience" with emotional abuse Confused, we will understand where you are coming from...but for now, you are way off base.

 

Let's put it this way....the person who cheats (and Mr. S has and NO Mrs. S didn't DRIVE him to it...it was his own choice and decision) is in an affair fog which means the grass is greener over there where someone isn't trying to keep them from their fog (let's put it in simple laymen male terms since we speak different languages....ever try to pull a woman away from a shoe sale? Well there ya go, the P*ssy on the other side of the fence is better than the P*ssy on this side of the fence...but at the end of the day, they are both going to squeeze the he** out of your ba...errr..feet.)

 

So I agree with you Confused...for men in a similar situation of being controlled by their women, please do exit stage left. Women NEED and respect REAL men...when you are in a REAL relationship and marriage where more than just YOU exists, you will understand the struggle. REAL MEN LEAD...not by force or by manipulation..they lead by loving their wife. That IS Mr. S's biggest failure.

[Yasuandio]

You guys, I say we wasted enough breath and space on "I'msoconfused's" bizarre perspective. It is a waste of time to argue. I was shocked when I read that. I say we treat any such contentions from Imsoconfused like a troll, and ignore. And wait to hear back from Mrs. S. Yas

[imtooconfused]

You guys, I say we wasted enough breath and space on "I'msoconfused's" bizarre perspective. It is a waste of time to argue. I was shocked when I read that. I say we treat any such contentions from Imsoconfused like a troll, and ignore. And wait to hear back from Mrs. S. Yas

 

Yasuandio, you know I am not a troll. I have stated my feelings and they are held in contempt so I choose not to waste my time arguing with someone who is unwilling to at least look at things from a different perspective. I am the only one on this thread worried about Mr. S.

 

I have spent my time re-reading every word that Mrs. S has posted just to make sure I did not miss anything and my findings can be summarized in her own words:

 

I do realize that 1. he immediately cut off communication with her outside of work. 2. he went to marriage counseling with me immediately and willingly and he still is 3. nothing physical ever happened - including coffee breaks, lunches, happy hours, etc. and I do believe that 4. his lies were about talking to her in a friendly manner at work and about the team situation, and he never lied about continuing to text or email her, talking to her about his feelings, spending time with her, etc. 5. it seems like he's actually coming through with the change in team which will put him in a part of the office/building that he would never encounter her.

 

There is absolutely no evidence of a physical relationship with the OW and the emotional affair can hardly be called an affair at all (they are friends, somewhat attracted to each other and talk about their weekends occasionally). Mr. S makes every effort to keep things professional but chooses not to be an ahole to someone who reaches out to him (and if he were a mean ahole to the OW, it's likely that she would have a very good lawsuit on her hands). The reason that he is comfortable with her friendship is because friendship at home is fleeting and forced. Mrs. S needs to stand her ground, though not for the sake or her marriage, which will ultimately fail one way or the other, but rather for her own ego in defeating the OW. Not a healthy reason to force a marriage. That's why I truly feel sorry for Mr. S.

 

Yasuandio, trippi1432, 2sunny and others, you don't need to waste your time responding to me, because the responses will not be read.