Ugh I'm still so annoyed!!!

[Helen A]

I'm doing NC and I'm feeling much better. But I'm Sooo annoyed that I've let him treat me badly at times eg ignoring me then coming back and me just lapping it up like the saddo I was. Just letting him play with my emotions and then ignore me. Grrr I'm Soo angry and I can't let this go.

Any advice?

[georgia girl]

Real advice? At this stage, the anger is probably helpful. It reminds you that he wasn't a good partner for you and helps you to keep moving on.

 

But, if it's driving you nuts, compartmentalize. Give yourself an hour a day to let your anger flow. Then, if you think about it at other times during the day, reset your thinking by promising yourself that you can think about it a 6 p.m. and not before (or whatever time you set). That actually forces you to think about and do other things so that you distract yourself. The more you distract yourself, the more that you will stop focusing on your anger and it will recede. Eventually, you will be able to shrink your hour to 10 minutes or even go a day without getting angry.

 

Finally, living well is the best revenge. So, take the anger that you feel now and know that in your next relationship, you will set out expectations that make you feel valued and respected and will allow you to develop a trusting, loving relationship where you are equals. Sometimes, I think a bad dating experience (I dated a commitment phobe) is the best medicine. It makes you really stand up for yourself. I so wanted to be in a relationship that I was once willing to be a doormat. The CP really used that to his advantage. The next guy I met, I had some pretty clear ideas of what I wanted, what I was willing to give and how I felt that we could mutually support each other. I married that guy! I can genuinely say that we wouldn't have the relationship or marriage we do had I not learned boundaries from my CP.

 

Hugs. You will win over this! GG

[TaraMaiden]

I'm doing NC and I'm feeling much better. But I'm Sooo annoyed that I've let him treat me badly at times eg ignoring me then coming back and me just lapping it up like the saddo I was. Just letting him play with my emotions and then ignore me. Grrr I'm Soo angry and I can't let this go.

Any advice?

 

Why are you still focusing on this? you should be getting him completely out of your mind, and giving a damn.

 

You should be shifting your focus onto your relationship with your husband, and his with you - not "Mr fantasy OM guy"!

 

You need to stop venting and complaining about him, because - guess what - ? he's completely unimportant to you now!

 

The more you think about him, the more your emotions will fester and brew.

 

Every moment you spend, wasted on him, is time you should have been devoting to yourself and your family.

[whichwayisup]

I'm doing NC and I'm feeling much better. But I'm Sooo annoyed that I've let him treat me badly at times eg ignoring me then coming back and me just lapping it up like the saddo I was. Just letting him play with my emotions and then ignore me. Grrr I'm Soo angry and I can't let this go.

Any advice?

 

Start writing out your frustrations and anger! Write him letters, (type them or handwritten) but do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT send them!! This is for theraputic reasons only. You can vent out and say anything you'd like to him. It'll make you feel better. Then, re-read the letter in a few days, then burn it or delete it. This will help you get some more closure and bring you peace.

 

Edited to add: If you choose to write to him on the computer, do it in a word program, not in an email draft. Just safer that way..

[HonestNeurotic]

There is a thread called Dear Dickwad in this forum. Go there and write him a Dear Dickwad letter. Or two or three.

[Helen A]

I know that is time wasting it's just up until now I've been totally invested in this/crazy. I'm so glad I found this site to talk to people and Im so glad I've decided to do NC I can step back now from it and see that it was not that great.

But I can't just get this out of my head at the moment though I am working on it.

[AussieLady]

But I can't just get this out of my head at the moment though I am working on it.

 

Anger is just one of the many emotions you will feel as NC continues (3 weeks today for me, including ignoring a text from him). I don't know whether you will ever get it out of your head (if you do, please let me know the solution), but I think you have to admit to yourself that you will think of him at times - whether it be good or bad, and move towards acceptance of what has happened and how your life is moving ahead.

 

I think 'acceptance' also covers accepting your failures for falling into the affair (even though I know you think it was just texting). It's not smooth sailing but it is definitely better than living in the ups and downs of an affair.

[Helen A]

Why have u decided to go NC Aussie Law?

If you don't mind me asking x

[Helen A]

Aussie Lady rather, sorry x

[AussieLady]

Why have u decided to go NC Aussie Law?

If you don't mind me asking x

 

NC is the only way I have been able to move forward (although some days I don't feel I have moved anywhere). We had amazing chemistry and developed a connection without it having gone to a PA, that if we didn't break all contact I was going to fall into his arms and it would have been a full-blown EA/PA and even harder to walk away. I had to remove the temptation that he presented. I initiated the NC, and he wasn't happy, he got upset and angry. It was torture. We made it a week and then he accidentally broke NC by phoning me (he didn't delete my number) and we fell back into synch again! I initiated the NC again, after another week of to-ing and fro-ing with each other. It wasn't any easier the second time around. We weren't friends before all of this, so we don't have to see each other regularly. That would be so much harder.

 

NC was also necessary to enable me to focus on fixing the issues in my marriage which led me to the OM. My marriage was good, but OM made me feel amazing. I need my husband to be the one to make me feel amazing. It hasn't improved yet, but we are working on it together.

 

It isn't easy, and I admire many on this site that have successfully walked away from affairs which have been longer and more intense than mine. I still get tingles (well more than tingles!) when I think of OM and rehash our conversations and texts. I deleted the texts, but sometimes wish I could go back to read them - stupid huh? It is like being an addict, wanting the thrill, but then you have to accept you need to go through withdrawal.

[Helen A]

What happened with me is for example we'd have a really long conversation and then he'd start to blank me for days etc. make me feel like we were close and then make me feel awful. Or he'd be over the top some days and then other days he wouldn't reply. He's text me to see why I hadn't text him sum days and then he'd ignore me for a week. I decided on my holidays I wasn't going to turn it into a PA and keep it on friendly terms but after he has blanked me when I asked a normal question I then did the same to him and it's been two weeks NC now. I'm not sure i even want to be friends anymore I'm starting to see him for wat he is.

[Helen A]

Sorry for all the posts but it's lovely to be able to vent I haven't spoken to anybody about this.

 

The more I think about this my head had been a mess the whole year.

From him saying that he's had dreams about us being together,to thd texts/sextsfor hours, then refusing to talk to me...

 

Is it me or is it odd that he has never spoken to me about this in all these months?

 

Is it odd that someone just wants to tell you all this etc but never want to speak to you?

 

I'm gonna be keeping my distance.

[skywriter]

Sorry for all the posts but it's lovely to be able to vent I haven't spoken to anybody about this.

 

The more I think about this my head had been a mess the whole year.

From him saying that he's had dreams about us being together,to thd texts/sextsfor hours, then refusing to talk to me...

 

Is it me or is it odd that he has never spoken to me about this in all these months?

 

Is it odd that someone just wants to tell you all this etc but never want to speak to you?

 

I'm gonna be keeping my distance.

 

 

Please, please do,keep distance, it will be difficult at first but with time, your anxious feels will subside and you'll begin, to feel much better.

[stillafool]

I know that is time wasting it's just up until now I've been totally invested in this/crazy. I'm so glad I found this site to talk to people and Im so glad I've decided to do NC I can step back now from it and see that it was not that great.

But I can't just get this out of my head at the moment though I am working on it.

 

Yes but the more you talk about him, think about him, the more he will be on your mind. You have to exercise not thinking about him and wondering why. What difference does the "whys" matter now. As Tara said focus on your family and your husband. Instead of writing a thread asking about his actions get out and do something to make life better with your husband.

[Helen A]

Oh yes I am taking that advice it's just nice to talk.

That's all. Feel 95% better after two weeks think I went crazy x

[AutumnRose1974]

Any advice?

 

 

Walking away would be the best thing for your mental, emotional and spiritual health.

 

If not, you can blog or journal about it if you don't already. The catch is... don't go back and read what you write, because that can fuel more negative feelings inside you. You're trying to get that out of your system. Burning it would be better.

 

Take a good look at your life, the parts that do NOT involve the guy. Any areas that need improvement (like, say, fitness or health, hobbies, or something you've always wanted to do), make those your focus, especially when your mind wants to wander over to him.

[Helen A]

I'm normally quite sane though so I can't believw how crazy I have behaved, how much I fell for him etc when he was just playing games I think.

I've got a happy life plenty of friends, lovely family etc.

 

Why was I/ am I so needy?

[TaraMaiden]

I'm normally quite sane though so I can't believw how crazy I have behaved, how much I fell for him etc when he was just playing games I think.

I've got a happy life plenty of friends, lovely family etc.

 

Why was I/ am I so needy?

 

Ahah!! Now, we finally get down to the crux of the matter!!

I think you have - finally! - asked the most important question of the thread!!

 

Why, indeed??

When people become needy, they crave something they desperately want.

 

What is it that you desperately want?

 

Can you get it from your husband?

 

The only way you can get it from him, is to ask him for it.

That you have to ask him for it, reveals that it's something he's not already providing.

 

I'm not BLAMING your H.

But these things happen in a relationship.

People drift, and lose connection.

 

Focus, Betsy - FOCUS!!

[anne1707]

Why was I/ am I so needy?

 

You HAVE to find the answers to those questions so you can work on the solutions. This is why I think IC and MC will be so useful to you Betsy. You need to find out what is not working in you and what is not working in your marriage.

[AussieLady]

I'm normally quite sane though so I can't believw how crazy I have behaved, how much I fell for him etc when he was just playing games I think.

I've got a happy life plenty of friends, lovely family etc.

 

Why was I/ am I so needy?

 

Got to agree with anne1707, IC or MC is needed.

 

It is helping me look into why I fell so hard for my OM. We are looking at my need for validation and attention to make me feel good. I have always put others before myself, as a child and now as an adult - giving to my husband, my kids, my elderly parents, my patients. I honestly could not remember the last time someone told me I was beautiful, told me all the things I wanted to hear to make me feel desirable, gave me the empathy I so craved, listened to me attentively. He fulfilled my fantasy, he was my escape. The problem I am still facing however is that I know that we could have had a future if I had chosen him, I was falling in love with more than the fantasy.

 

Accept you behaved in a crazy way, that you were insane, and now try to work on your marriage (bit difficult to do if you don't talk to your husband about what you feel you are lacking).

[Helen A]

Tara I don't know what I want -or wanted.

 

What is IC and MC?

 

Can I ask what you guys would do though the OM is on holidays at the moment for two weeks but I have this feeling he may message me at some point when he gets home, if so what would you do? I feel so much better it was obv just a game to him he didnt care but I don't want to go back there again, so what would you do?

 

I think I have low self esteem and am needy I need to work on these. I wantes my husband to be more interested in me I suppose and it's nice getting attention , but now looking at it it's not from someone who is playing games with you for their own purpose.

 

I suppose everybody goes through phases of being fed up, do they?

It can't be perfect all the time and like it is in the beginning.

[AussieLady]

Tara I don't know what I want -or wanted.

 

What is IC and MC?

 

Can I ask what you guys would do though the OM is on holidays at the moment for two weeks but I have this feeling he may message me at some point when he gets home, if so what would you do? I feel so much better it was obv just a game to him he didnt care but I don't want to go back there again, so what would you do?

 

I think I have low self esteem and am needy I need to work on these. I wantes my husband to be more interested in me I suppose and it's nice getting attention , but now looking at it it's not from someone who is playing games with you for their own purpose.

 

I suppose everybody goes through phases of being fed up, do they?

It can't be perfect all the time and like it is in the beginning.

 

Seriously, you can't honestly still be asking what to do if he contacts you again, after this thread and the last one?

 

IC - individual counselling

MC - marriage counselling

 

(correct me if I am wrong, I am still new)

[Helen A]

I'm asking what everybody here would do.

I'm not going to reply but will feel bad.

What would u do and wud u feel bad x

[TaraMaiden]

I'm asking what everybody here would do.

I'm not going to reply but will feel bad.

What would u do and wud u feel bad x

 

What would I do?

Go Complete No Contact.

 

Would I feel bad?

 

I would feel about as bad as if i had been drinking something toxic which was slowly destroying me , but decided to stop and take an antidote instead.

 

In other words - No, I would not feel bad, I'd feel a whole lot better.

[anne1707]

Can I ask what you guys would do though the OM is on holidays at the moment for two weeks but I have this feeling he may message me at some point when he gets home, if so what would you do? I feel so much better it was obv just a game to him he didnt care but I don't want to go back there again, so what would you do?

 

Just do what you have already been told several times over. Ignore him. Do not reply. Delete him. Block him. Anything to maintain NC. What you have to do is quite simple if you think about it.

 

I think I have low self esteem and am needy I need to work on these. I wantes my husband to be more interested in me I suppose and it's nice getting attention , but now looking at it it's not from someone who is playing games with you for their own purpose.

 

Hence why I suggested both IC and MC (which I also did hence soeaking from experience here)

 

I suppose everybody goes through phases of being fed up, do they?

It can't be perfect all the time and like it is in the beginning.

 

Which is why you need IC and MC.... to find better ways of dealing with the less than perfect times, to communicate better and to actually find ways of making your marriage better (and less imperfect).