Ugh I'm still so annoyed!!!

[Helen A]

Oh there is progress Anne. I want to stop now.

I'd say about two months ago I had to text him every single day.

Now I'm going weeks and ignoring texts. Feeling better.

Knowing I was mental. Maybe my way isn't everybody's way but the advice has been fab and it's been lovely talking to you all x

[anne1707]

Maybe my way isn't everybody's way but the advice has been fab and it's been lovely talking to you all x

 

If the advice is so "fab", why are you ignoring it?

[Helen A]

I'm not. I'm doing NC.

[anne1707]

No you're not. You have not blocked him and you are still socialising with him.

[Helen A]

Haven't seen him since April hoping not too for a while til this dies down.

 

I'm just trying to act un bothered as I'm shamed I guess.

[anne1707]

Has this been "NC" by chance or because you have actually made a point of not seeing him and his wife? Or have you actually seen his wife since April?

[Helen A]

We had a takeaway end of April. We went on hols then in may for two weèks and they've gone now so just haven't had a chance to see them.

Sometimes we see lots of each other then sometimes weeks pass.

I'm glad tbh that I get this bit of a break .

 

She texts me, we text most weeks. She txts my hubbie.

Perhaps another few months will pass and il b over it then

[anne1707]

So the so called NC has been purely by chance then. Except for the texting/tweeting etc that is so whilst you may not have seen him, there has been contact.

[Helen A]

Not all if it. They asked us to go to the circus and I made an excuse for that, I coulßnt face it. They also asked us out for a drink bit we didnt have a babysitter that night.

 

Hardly any contact at all - I can tell that he doesn't want to bother anymore.

When I messaged him after he woke me up at 1am with the tweet he ignored my message.

 

He wanted to end this, was there really a this? - but he never wanted to tell me or speak to me about it and that hurts. It sucks. Gutless.

[TaraMaiden]

Anne, I have a brick wall here, I'm hitting my head against. Would you care to join me?

Let's bang our heads against it together....

 

She won't get it.

She'll never get it.

God alone knows why, but there it is.....

[Helen A]

Oh come on now Tara I think I'm making progress.

[anne1707]

When I messaged him after he woke me up at 1am with the tweet he ignored my message.

 

Hence contact, not NC.

 

He wanted to end this, was there really a this? - but he never wanted to tell me or speak to me about it and that hurts. It sucks. Gutless.

 

Plus he ended it, not you.

 

By the way, I agree with Tara.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh come on now Tara I think I'm making progress.

 

You're the only one who does....

 

Here's what you really, truly, honestly NEED to do, to really deal with this:

 

One: Go Complete, total No Contact - with his wife, as well as him. Unequivocal, and absolute.

 

Two: you need to tell your H that your feelings are undergoing a transformation, how you feel about him is changing, it worries you and you want to work on them...

 

Three: You need to TELL your H what you NEED from him.

And establish what HE needs from you.

 

(this is of course, because we've already established you don't want to have complete honesty or transparency with your H and would rather retain information from him. As we've explained, this is lying by omission, because it gives him a false premise of what he's dealing with, but it seems we can't convince you, so we'll have to come up with another way of you reconnecting with your H....)

 

Four: You have to quit hiding your head in the sand and cherry-picking at this and going at this at half-measures.

 

You have to be in this 100% to begin to move on.

Quit focusing on the OM, his wife, dates, pizzas, meals, get-togethers or foursomes.

 

Everything.

Everything Has - to - STOP.

 

You're just not giving us any impression or comfort whatsoever, that you're actually taking any of this seriously....

[JustAReformedGirl]

At this point, we're probably all wasting our time. We've all given her our two-cents, she claims to be listening, though it's obvious she isn't. She's also opted to play the blame-game, and isn't being honest with herself.

 

Denial is an ugly thing.

 

I'm sure you're a nice person, Betsy. But right now? You're not being a very bright woman. When you actually start making an effort to change things, then you can say you're making progress.

[stillafool]

It is clear the only reason she doesn't block him and stop all contact with the couple is because she still wants to see him, be around, hear about him. Admit it, in your mind it is not over and you don't want to let it go or you would do all of the above.

[Helen A]

Hence contact, not NC.

 

This reply was before I decided to go contact.

 

It is clear the only reason she doesn't block him and stop all contact with the couple is because she still wants to see him, be around, hear about him. Admit it, in your mind it is not over and you don't want to let it go or you would do all of the above.

 

In my mind it is over and no I don't want to see or be around him.

 

You "want" to stop now? Why? Cause he isn't chasing you? It isn't a "want".. You either STOP or NOT stop....kinda like being pregnant...you are or you aren't.

 

Decided on my holiday that it had to stop. We had a pretty filthy convo just before I went and wen I came back he had gone quiet again kind of wasn't talking to me.

 

So you are mad that he isn't playing with you anymore....right? If he were to show up tomorrow, you would continue the affair, right?

 

No I wouldn't say Im mad. I'm a bit upset but not mad.

And no I wouldn't continue it.

[Helen A]

Plus he ended it, not you.

 

He didnt end it. After the tweet/ non reply we had a convo where I said shall we just forget this now it's not worth it it's too dangerous to which he answered yeah fine it was fun though.

 

So there was nobody who ended it/ there was no closure.

 

He's always played these games of texting for hours then nothing.

[anne1707]

Betsy

 

It does read as if the only reason you and he are no longer "in contact" is because he has stopped texting you. It does not sound like a positive decision by you but rather something he has chosen to do (whether permanently or as a push-pull game).

 

Nothing you have posted here has really convinced anybody that you mean what you say about the affair being over. You are also doing absolutely nothing at all to help improve your marriage. You seem to be relying on chance that your poor husband will know what to do without being told what to do.

[Helen A]

I decided to end it wen I went away Anne, I did a lot if thinking on my hols.

When I got back I didn't contact him until he messaged me.

So it's not the reason I've decided to end it because he had stopped messaging me. I admittedly got sick to death of his ridicolous games but I spent two weeks with my hubby and I realised I cudnt do it anymore and that it was never going to be worth it.

[Helen A]

Last two pence worth from me, as I think people are getting fed up.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice though it may not seem it I have been listening.

Though at first I was gutted that he started blanking me, nearly 3 weeks in its the best thing that could have happened to me. I still think about him, and I'm more shud I say upset that he didnt have the decency to tell me that he didnt want to talk anymore other than the fact it's over. It's as if it was all a lie and if it was ok to mess with my head and that's fine I'm nothing, so that's upset me.

But on my holidays, I did decide that this was over even though people are thinking it was because he stopped bothering. I decided that my husband means more to me and what if we got caught it wouldn't be worth it.

It's still upsetting though when someone you've spoken to nearly every day for months doesn't want to speak to you anymore regardless of how wrong the situation is. But I hope that's it and I hope that me and my hubby will be ok. I'm glad I didn't sleep with him it would have made it ten times worse.

I have taken some advice and blocked him on my twitter account as there's no need really for me to see what he is up to all the time and his number is now removed from my phone.

In time I hope we can be friends again and ill feel ok. Because we've all been frends for years ( yes I know nobody agrees with that)

Thanks to everybody for all the advice even though they've felt like banging their heads it has been appreciated. Thanks ladies for taking the time. I've not mentioned this in months and it's been nice.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Good for you, Betsy. See? Now that you've put it all there for us to see, it's more apparent that you're starting to make progress.

 

It's probably going to have it's ups and downs; some days, you'll feel great, and others, you'll feel lost. But right now, you're doing a lot better for yourself.

 

Now is the time to focus on you, and your marriage. If your AP tries to get in contact, ignore him. Those days are done.

 

Keep doing all you can to work on your personal issues, and your marital ones.

 

I'm slightly confused by one thing, though; you guys didn't sleep together? Was this entirely an emotional affair? Or did you guys do other things that didn't quite make it that far?

 

Remember, be honest with yourself, above all; you'll only grow as an individual if you do that. Otherwise, you're just cheating yourself.

 

Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

[Helen A]

Rebel Dynasty it was just texts / sexts / talking for hours.

Nothing happened although I think it would have.

He used to text me that he'd missed me if I hadn't been in touch say he didnt want it to end Etc say that he'd dreamt of us being together.

I think he was just full of ****.

 

Onwards and upwards tho.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Rebel Dynasty it was just texts / sexts / talking for hours.

Nothing happened although I think it would have.

He used to text me that he'd missed me if I hadn't been in touch say he didnt want it to end Etc say that he'd dreamt of us being together.

I think he was just full of ****.

 

Onwards and upwards tho.

 

Either that, or he was conflicted; he may have meant it at points, but when it came down to which relationship he wanted long-term, he made his choice.

 

He also really could have been full of sh*t. Some people are extremely good at lying, and faking sincerity.

 

You really are better off. Stay strong, and you'll be fine.

[anne1707]

OK. That's good to hear Betsy. But I still have ask. What are you doing to re-build your marriage? Because it does need re-building and that cannot be done ny just carrying on as before.

[Helen A]

Thanks rebel dynasty.

I don't know how to answer that, what should I be doing?

I've said that I think my reason for doing this was enjoying the attention, from someone else, I don't see any problems with my hubby. He's always been cool.