whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Sorry for all the posts but it's lovely to be able to vent I haven't spoken to anybody about this. The more I think about this my head had been a mess the whole year. From him saying that he's had dreams about us being together,to thd texts/sextsfor hours, then refusing to talk to me... Is it me or is it odd that he has never spoken to me about this in all these months? Is it odd that someone just wants to tell you all this etc but never want to speak to you? I'm gonna be keeping my distance. He's doing the push/pull thing and any time things get too much or he feels you're getting too attached, too clingy, he backs off and disappears, ignores you. The cat and mouse game. He likes it all on HIS terms but as soon as he doesn't to want play anymore, he runs away. You react and he ignores. So stupid, but it happens all the time obviously. I say, let yourself cry and grieve the loss. If he comes around again, you need to ask yourself why you allow him to treat you so badly and also if you want this type of person in your life. He IS being a total di.ckwad to you! Get mad, and start living your life, focus on friends who adore you and have your back, and be around caring sincere people. Not him. He's playing you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 Thankyou Tara Anne and everyone for always taking the time to reply to me, its been nice to talk to you. Have u ever done anything crazy like constantly text someone when they don't seem to text you first? I feel ashamed about this, but I wanted answers, as I cudnt understand how he'd talk to me for 8h one day then ignore me for say a week. I'm still ashamed that I wud text him so much though. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 In the words of a wise old bird on this site (who posted this for my benefit years ago): And I did tell myself this - it made me laugh and it also worked. My H and I still joke about it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 Thanks Anne. I feel like such an idiot tho & think the being mates/ going out as couples thing is gonna be hard for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 To be honest, you need to do everything you can to avoid those get togethers. Not just short term but long term too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 We've been mates for years we do things with the kids, weekends away, drinks round each others and sleep over etc.. Wat a bloody mess. This line shud never have been crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 I agree with most everyone else's suggestion. Either go NC, or if you're not ready for that, I'd say LC. I'll admit, there were points when my AP (he's single) would act much the same way. The push/pull. It drove me insane. But, given the nature of my situation with him, and him finally realizing he'd been kind of a jerk, and me realizing why it happened with him (hurt being a big part of it), things smoothed out. In your situation, though? You're both married, and to me, it sounds like he needs constant validation from you, but if you do it, you're being weak. It's not the case, of course, but it sounds like that's how he views it. So yeah, NC is probably the only way this is going to clear up. Even if it's temporary, and you wind up platonic friends later on. Or, even if it's permanent; even if you've been friends a long time, the quality of the friendship has drastically changed. If he cares for you at all, he'll respect your wishes, and leave you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Problem is Betsy that you have done something which completely changes all that. You and he can no longer be friends if your marriage is to stand a chance. Staying friends is just continuing the disrespect to your husband and allows the MOM to play games with you. You have to take some strong action to end the friendship. You know what I think you should do already. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 I know Anne I am really friendly with his wife and though people sat I'm not her friend I do very much like her. She would think it awfully strange if this happened as she texts me most weeks too. It's just a mess but no more games with me and him its over 100% 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Maintaining the friendship does not just disrespect your husband. It disrespects her too. Sorry Betsy but whether you tell the truth or not, some things have to change. Consequences of your own actions. Time to face up to them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Why wen u realise how bad someone has been to you do you still like them and still think about them? Does this go away? Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 seriously Betsy, you need to start owning your sh*t. i cant believe that you're still entertaining the notion of being friends with this couple. this is very cruel and disrespectful to your respective BS's. it sounds like you're doing the bare minimum here. you won't come forward to your husband and you won't stop interacting with this couple. get serious already! don't you get it..... YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Why wen u realise how bad someone has been to you do you still like them and still think about them? Does this go away? I think, with time, it will go away. There's a myriad of reasons why we still hold on to someone who treats us poorly. -Low self-esteem, the belief that we can't do better/don't deserve better. -Rationalizing that their poor treatment of us was somehow justified. -Believing they will change, and start treating us better... ..And so on. Try to keep busy with other things; come to terms with how you feel about him. Fighting it, in its own way, involves thinking about him more often. In that, you're giving more of your power away. Once you come to terms with how you feel/felt, you'll probably have an easier time moving on. Maybe you'll never fully stop feeling for him, and maybe you will. But at some point, you'll feel so much better about yourself and thus, you will do better for yourself. Best of luck with everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Have you blocked his number yet so he can't text you? How about his email - have you blocked that as well? These are basic things you have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I haven't done that Anne because he will think there is a big issue then, I did delete twitter but then he messaged me about it last week ( I didn't reply) I know I sound mental but he is acting like this is nothing and it diesnt bother him if I were to do that he would ask me why most definitely? Whereas now I just think he will leave it and is unlikely to get in touch again after I didn't answer Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 What???? But there is a big issue. The two of you had an affair! Whose feelings do you care more about? His or your husband's? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 My husbands definitely. He is acting like this is nothing though I think to him it's as if nothing has happened he doesn't seem to think he's done anything. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I haven't done that Anne because he will think there is a big issue then, I did delete twitter but then he messaged me about it last week ( I didn't reply) I know I sound mental but he is acting like this is nothing and it diesnt bother him if I were to do that he would ask me why most definitely? Whereas now I just think he will leave it and is unlikely to get in touch again after I didn't answer What difference does it make what he thinks? You are suppose to be doing whatever it takes to get your marriage back on track. What have you done to improve your marriage lately? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Well start acting as if it's your husband's feelings that are your priority then. Block the MOM so he cannot contact you. What he thinks about it should be totally irrelevant to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I can't see how I can be unfriendly with them as my husband and friend would think this suspicious I would be unable to anyway as she is always in touch with me I couldn't just ignore her, hence why I'm trying to make this end as normal as possible, even though I feel a right mess. Oh lots we've been getting on great lately, we have planned a nice weekend away, things are just better and now that I'm not on my phone all the time, its much better x Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 You are just making excuses here. You are not making your marriage a priority. You need to block the MOM. You need to stop socialising with him and his wife. You need to start taking real steps to save your marriage. At the moment you are doing absolutely nothing. You have to realise and accept that everything has changed because of what you have done. You cannot continue life as it was before as if nothing has happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 But if I don't Anne then it looks really odd doesn't it? And for a start she has my hubby's number so she will message him to arrange things etc. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Betsy Do you not think that there might be a good reason why just about everybody here is saying you need to go no contact? Do you not realise that this will help your marriage? That maintaining contact is disrespectful of your husband and his wife? That all you are doing is protecting yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I am doing NC with him in that I'm not speaking to him anymore. It's just I know maybe everybody's right but I can't see a way round that. Friends with people for years and then you've gotta just ignore her. I know it's awful but I haven't slept with him. I'm not going to it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Betsy wrote, "... I can't see how I can be unfriendly with them as my husband and friend would think this suspicious I would be unable to anyway as she is always in touch with me..." Betsy. Really. Pleeeease don't refer to the MM's W as "a friend". It turns my stomach and SO disrespectful. If the guilt is eating you up and that's the difficulty you are having, well, this is one of those stitches where you just need to get used to it, comfy & cozy, Swim in it because w/out telling the truth or blocking them out of your life, this feeling is now a BIG part of Your life... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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