In response to Rogue

[Micky]

I agree with what you say and I know I should of made him leave when he did it the first time , but unlike him I was thinking of everyone ,especially the children .

 

We are seperated now but on his terms he pays the billS (for now) so He comes and goes as he pleases and he doesn't give me anytime to get my thoughts straight , because he thinks that I have always forgivin him before that I always will and its just amatter of time before he will be back here ,so he isn't really looking at what he has done and why its wrong he plays with my emotions because he knows I love him , and its killing me .

 

I don't want to see him or talk to him for at least three months to as you say put him to the test. But the kids are put in the middle if I say i don't want you to come here today he will get them on the phone and they will say come over daddy and where does that leave me ? looking like the bad person that is keeping our family apart which is what he wants. Its really hard to know whats right anymore.

 

Thanks for your advice its appreciated deeply.

[Nic]

sorry mickey, i know this is in repsonse to rogue, but my parents went through a similar thing, so i thought i'd try and help....

 

perhaps you and the children's father could come to some sort of arrangement where you drop the kids off at his house and they stay with him for a specified amount of time. or he could pick them up from your house and take them to his house for a little while, then drop them back home.

 

he can still spend quality time with the kids without having to see you. sit down and discuss with him that it means a lot to you and the kids that he spends time with them, but you need to keep your distance from him right now, until you can handle things better. there has to be some sort of arrangement the two of you can come up with that leaves everybody feeling a bit happier. it's not fair on the kids if they sense tension between you and their father. the more time he spends playing with your emotions, the harder things will be on the family and he will never realise he's done something wrong. and no matter how hard it is, try not to show him how his actions and words affect you. he may even give up on playing with your emotions if he receives no response.

 

if you can't work things out together, perhaps you could talk to your parents or his parents about helping to make alternative arrangements to see the kids, or even see a mediator.

 

i hope this all works out for you

I agree with what you say and I know I should of made him leave when he did it the first time , but unlike him I was thinking of everyone ,especially the children . We are seperated now but on his terms he pays the billS (for now) so He comes and goes as he pleases and he doesn't give me anytime to get my thoughts straight , because he thinks that I have always forgivin him before that I always will and its just amatter of time before he will be back here ,so he isn't really looking at what he has done and why its wrong he plays with my emotions because he knows I love him , and its killing me . I don't want to see him or talk to him for at least three months to as you say put him to the test. But the kids are put in the middle if I say i don't want you to come here today he will get them on the phone and they will say come over daddy and where does that leave me ? looking like the bad person that is keeping our family apart which is what he wants. Its really hard to know whats right anymore. Thanks for your advice its appreciated deeply.

[Rogue]

Of course,I agree with you too.You have to do what you see as the best solution for your own life. I didn't mean the post as something to be taken literally.

 

What I was trying to say was set your own terms , make him prove himself and make him realize the mistake he's making. I still think that keeping him away is the best thing for now, but you understand the situation much better so you should do as you see fit.

 

You must understand,however, your children are already suffering from what their father is doing. And even if you give in to his demands for now, he may simply just leave you for another woman permanently later down the road. What then? His infidelities won't stop on their own as things are going now. If this keeps up for a few more years, your children will learn on THEIR OWN what their father is.....and how you were to weak to stand up to him. They are hurting because of the fighting with your husband. And when people hurt long enough and bad enough, they start looking for someone to blame it on.

 

Your children will someday resent the fact you never stood up for yourself (and for them) to your husband. They will someday have love lives of their own , and realize how stupid it was to put up with such infidelity for so long. You will lose their respect, and maybe even their love. In their eyes there will be two villains instead of one.

 

Your children will also never learn to make commitments properly if this continues. They will see, from their father's example, that you can get away with a lot by just being charming. The will not learn anything about loyalty,respect or honesty. That will hurt them a lot more in the long run than missing a few weekends with Dad.

 

So you see, giving in to your husband isn't helping your children. You're setting them up for a much bigger hurt later on. They can't possibly understand all this right now, but they will someday. They expect you to protect them now from harm, even if the harm is their dad.

 

Explain to them that Daddy is being dishonest and maybe they might understand. Your children HAVE to learn,from this experience, the value of Trust! They already know that something is wrong, but they need to what it is and why is it wrong.

 

I'm not suggesting a divorce or a legal separation. I'm suggesting distance between you and your husband till he smartens up.