Wtf is it about this push and pull game?

[Its_MEE]

By I it that the moment I start pulling out he starts coming towards me? Is it the ego? Is it a game for him? Wht is it? Someone please explain...

 

Since my last thread I've kept my word and I'm serious about it. I'm not acting nasty towards him or anything, but I've fallen way way way back. Nc if you will... Today he seemed to get it and he kept his distance.. Good! But when I got back from lunch I found a sticky note on my computer screen reading..

 

"You're doing an excellent job! Have a great day!"

 

Umm... Thanks?

 

I'm not playing a game this time... And until I SEE actions.. I'm not going back!

I read somewhere today that it doesn't matter when your dignity decides to kick in, as long as it does. What was I thinking?! I mean yeah I love him and all... But I seem to block out the hurt he caused me sometimes. Not anymore! He played me and now... IF I ever decide to take him back (as a single man!!!!) he has a whole lot of making up to do!

 

I was referred to a blog by Natalie Lue who is awesome btw.. She said:

"When we conduct ourselves with self-esteem by having boundaries and values, only two things are going to happen: the person who wants to engage in a mutual relationship will respect them and the person who isn’t and wasn’t going to respect them anyway is going to walk. Either way, each situation leaves you with your sense of self intact."

 

Anyways... Back to my original question. What is making him do this? Am I hurting his pride? Is he afraid of losing the OPTION that WAS me? Is he batsht crazy?

Two more work days I won't be back I work until July 3rd!!! Boy oh boy! Beach and sand! Frozen drunk drinks! I cannot wait!

[Star Gazer]

Emotionally unavailable men engage in the push-pull game.

 

He's MARRIED. Move on.

[Its_MEE]

By I it that the moment I start pulling out he starts coming towards me? Is it the ego? Is it a game for him? Wht is it? Someone please explain...

 

Since my last thread I've kept my word and I'm serious about it. I'm not acting nasty towards him or anything, but I've fallen way way way back. Nc if you will... Today he seemed to get it and he kept his distance.. Good! But when I got back from lunch I found a sticky note on my computer screen reading..

 

"You're doing an excellent job! Have a great day!"

 

Umm... Thanks?

 

I'm not playing a game this time... And until I SEE actions.. I'm not going back!

I read somewhere today that it doesn't matter when your dignity decides to kick in, as long as it does. What was I thinking?! I mean yeah I love him and all... But I seem to block out the hurt he caused me sometimes. Not anymore! He played me and now... IF I ever decide to take him back (as a single man!!!!) he has a whole lot of making up to do!

 

I was referred to a blog by Natalie Lue who is awesome btw.. She said:

"When we conduct ourselves with self-esteem by having boundaries and values, only two things are going to happen: the person who wants to engage in a mutual relationship will respect them and the person who isn’t and wasn’t going to respect them anyway is going to walk. Either way, each situation leaves you with your sense of self intact."

 

Anyways... Back to my original question. What is making him do this? Am I hurting his pride? Is he afraid of losing the OPTION that WAS me? Is he batsht crazy?

Two more work days I won't be back I work until July 3rd!!! Boy oh boy! Beach and sand! Frozen drunk drinks! I cannot wait!

Sorry for the typos! I meant "Why is it"

[Pierre]

Sorry for the typos! I meant "Why is it"

 

This is classical for insecure men.

 

They have no clue about what they want. One minute he wants the affair, next minute he wants the marriage, and next minute he is a complete idiot.

 

But, you ask the question looking for hope. You want to be told he will never give you up.

 

Forget it! This is the roller coaster and will go on for a very long time. In the mean time you will throw away the best years of your life.

 

Textbook!!

[Its_MEE]

This is classical for insecure men.

 

They have no clue about what they want. One minute he wants the affair, next minute he wants the marriage, and next minute he is a complete idiot.

 

But, you ask the question looking for hope. You want to be told he will never give you up.

 

Forget it! This is the roller coaster and will go on for a very long time. In the mean time you will throw away the best years of your life.

 

Textbook!!

 

Pierre... This one time I MUST disagree...

I was not asking the question looking for hope. Not at all.. I was not looking for anyone to tell me that he will not let me go... No one know that... I was really looking for clarification.. I was hoping you would respond also as you seem to know a whole lot about the subject(I would love to know how). I was looking for similar experiences and the knowledge that I don't yet have which accompanies those experiences.

 

I now get the roller coaster which everyone involved is on... I'm desperately looking for the E brake. Hoping to get clarity as I feel foolish and weak. I'm looking to let go. But saying I'm letting go and actually implementing that belief in my heart is hard. I am consciously talking to myself and telling myself to let go. But by doing that I am still thinking about it.... I am looking to find peace, tranquility, happiness and indifference towards all of this. I am only 26. I'm a pretty girl and I will not have gray hairs yet!

[pureinheart]

Pierre... This one time I MUST disagree...

I was not asking the question looking for hope. Not at all.. I was not looking for anyone to tell me that he will not let me go... No one know that... I was really looking for clarification.. I was hoping you would respond also as you seem to know a whole lot about the subject(I would love to know how). I was looking for similar experiences and the knowledge that I don't yet have which accompanies those experiences.

 

I now get the roller coaster which everyone involved is on... I'm desperately looking for the E brake. Hoping to get clarity as I feel foolish and weak. I'm looking to let go. But saying I'm letting go and actually implementing that belief in my heart is hard. I am consciously talking to myself and telling myself to let go. But by doing that I am still thinking about it.... I am looking to find peace, tranquility, happiness and indifference towards all of this. I am only 26. I'm a pretty girl and I will not have gray hairs yet!

 

Your looking for understanding IMO- you might want to read, "Men who can't love", it was written by a man and gives several real life examples of relationships that he interviewed...he also gives his experience of himself and his peers.

 

He explains in great details the push-pull game that SG speaks of...it's a good read, and will give illustrations of behaviors that will cause you to understand what it is you want in a man and what you don't want!

[carhill]

By I it that the moment I start pulling out he starts coming towards me? Is it the ego? Is it a game for him? Wht is it? Someone please explain...

After a lifetime of experience with MW's, I'll opine broken psyche and advise 'move on'. For many, it's not purposeful nor deliberately abusive. They really don't know how they're affecting others. Small world, filled completely. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

It may or may not be conscious, sometimes the push/pull thing just happens naturally, but it seems in your situation, it's intentional. You give him too much attention, he backs off, which makes you back off - Then he realizes you're not paying any attention to him so he comes looking for you.

 

It is what it is, an ego feed.

[Goodbye]

He is probably just experiencing the crazy roller coaster emotions as well...knowing he NEEDS to let you go because he made a promise to his wife, but not wanting to do so. Instead of being a decent grown up human being and just riding the roller coaster by himself, he keeps trying to drag you on for the ride. Do your best with your NC, he'll figure it out eventually. You are 26! You can do better, really you can.

[Got it]

Here you go! So you don't have to dig around.

 

CLOWN STORY

 

" A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more.

 

On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.

 

My husband and I often say, when we're discussing how we used to allow prior relationships to hurt us AGAIN and AGAIN, that we're NO LONGER looking for the clown.

 

I see women here who continually allow their xMM (or MM) to hurt them again and again and again. The key word here, though, is "allow." When we allow someone to continually hurt us and abuse us emotionally, it becomes the rule rather than the exception.

 

I just want to tell those who are hurting to STOP looking for the clown. "

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is from the Clown's perspective:

 

Wow, she finally found me, she must really want me. I'm going to treat her like ****, disrespect her, lie to her, give her just little bits of my time and make promises I have no intention of keeping. She surely won't stay around after that.

 

Hmmmm....I can't believe she's come back looking for me again. I would have thought that by treating her so bad to begin with she wouldn't want to be treated like that anymore. I'm going to treat her like **** some more, give her some even bigger lies and give her hope when I know there isn't any.

 

WOW, she is back for more? I thought for sure she'd have gone away by now. After all, I have really been an ******* to her. I've given her nothing but pain and heartache, yet she seems to enjoy all these bad things I can give her. I'm thinking she must be enjoying this.

 

OMG - this is great! She has come back again and I now know for sure that I don't ever have to change. That no matter how bad I treat her, no matter what I say or do, no matter how much I lie to her, hurt her, give her hope - she is just going to accept it. I don't have to change my life, ruin my family, put anything of my own in jeopardy because she has proven to me she will continue to keep coming back for me. No matter how bad I treat her.

 

And, I keep getting to have someone on the side who I can have sex with, who I can call when I'm lonely, hurting or just need someone to understand my problems. I can fit her into my life because she is waiting around and always available to me no matter what. She is so happy for the 5 minutes we get together that I don't have to give more than that.

 

Wow, I LOVE being the Clown. I have it made!!

 

I feel sorry for the one who keeps looking for me.

[Got it]

And another perspective on the push/pull.

 

Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybe it was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him. Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinks he is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love for years. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would make him IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyone feel like a prince among men.

 

Then W finds out or is suspicious. MM gets tired of having to find ways to sneak out and see OW, and he's tired of listening to OW bitch that she wants more time with him. MM starts to tell OW he can't do this anymore. OW begs and pleads- no MM, I love you, please leave to be with me. I'll wait for you forever. Meanwhile, wife is saying- please, we are a family, we can work through this, think of the children, the history, I'll try to be more fun in bed. So, now MM has 2 women who think he's the cat's ****ing meow.

 

Finally, under the guise of "doing the right thing", he stays with the wife. For a while, he lives with that "heroism" feeling, that in the end, he did the honest thing and stayed with him family. That he SACRIFICED for the good of his family. And also for the good of OW, cause she was oh, so unhappy in that relationship and she'll find someone else.

 

Then, weeks and months go by. Wife is happy at first that she has her husband back. But that feeling wears off and she becomes angry and bitter. There's tension around the house, and the sex hasn't improved like wife promised it would. And NO ONE is paying any attention to poor little MM. There's no one professing their undying love. There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat with a bottle of wine and a thong.

 

Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, and hell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a good friend. And maybe she still likes me.

 

So, he calls, or emails. At first OW says, oh, MM I missed you so. I still think about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knows he was loved by this woman, and she still adores him. He feels better about himself, and can go back to being Mr. Do the right thing with wife. This happens repeatedly.

 

Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I was sick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'm glad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked out between us.

 

MM is crushed. How could she have done this? How could she have GONE ON WITH HER LIFE? After all, he was really going to leave someday.

 

And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life and marriage, and that OW was just a fling to him.

 

More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to the mindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story. This life is not so bad, after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she found happiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her.

 

But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SG anymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends. Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty for hurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to have someone who adores me constantly.

 

And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and no response. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoring ME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. Nothing again from OW.

 

For, you see my dear friends, she really has moved on. And no amount of adoration or apology matters to her anymore.

 

And MM's life is back to "normal"- as it was when this whole mess began.

 

Can you believe this is the fate of poor MM? After all, he was a HERO. He gave up everything for the greater good. How can wife still be upset? Can't she act like this never happened? and OW has gone with her life... what happened to these 2 women who adored me so.

 

MM feels like crap about himself. He starts to recognize that he created this fate for himself, and that out there in the world somewhere is OW, a woman who would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, and now she belongs to another. Someone else is holding her, someone else is making love to her.

 

well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME

[Got it]

He's just a man- nothing more, nothing less. Just a human being going through some sh*t- and so are you. He is no more important than you. His needs are no more important than your own.

[threelaurels]

I found an quote from a Cracked article that I think is very relevant.

 

See, the beauty of the push-pull dynamic is that it works both ways. If the person hasn't completely checked out of the relationship, once you step back, they will eventually step forward. In the link above, they tell you to picture it as a physical space that a couple fills with emotion at equal levels. When one person pulls back, the other tries to compensate by giving more.

 

It's why a guy can break up with a woman and immediately run through the streets, screaming, "FREEDOM!" But one month later, he's calling her in a fit of drunken tears, begging her for another chance. When the bond was severed, she pulled out her emotional investment, and over time, he felt that tidal influence telling him to fill it.

 

It all has to do with him, his ego, and what he's missing. He is using you (and his wife) to fill an emotional void within himself. Once you start to pull away, he becomes aware of its absence and reacts by trying to get you back so that the void becomes filled again. Barring therapy, the only way he will stop playing the "push and pull" game with you is if he finds someone else who can fill that void for him.

 

Before the A, I imagine that his wife may have filled this void for him, but--when she could no longer do it--he sought out the A. Have no doubt that he will do the same thing with her if she does a 180 and decides to leave him. He will be on his knees begging for her to return because she provides him with many things that he wants and needs, such as stability and safety.

 

The problem rests completely with him.

[DelusionalOne]

And another perspective on the push/pull.

 

Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybe it was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him. Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinks he is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love for years. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would make him IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyone feel like a prince among men..........

 

 

..........…well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME

 

THANK YOU for posting this... This is EXACTLY what I needed to read today as my xMM has now progressed to calling me on my office phone ... For work related questions of course <rolling eyes>. I copied and pasted to my phone.

 

IM, sorry for the minor T/J.

[Its_MEE]

Yesterday was my last day at work until July 3rd. IM OFFICIALLY ON VACATION!

Anyways....

 

He sees me pull into the parking lot.. Comes outside and says "I need to talk to you". I immediately knew...

 

He did it. He told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he thought the best would be that they separate. They didn't argue. She agreed.

 

But see.... I've started my healing... I told him...

 

"You only did this because I'm leaving for a week and 1/2. And since I haven't been talking to you, you just couldn't bare I go on vacation thinking we were over. But you telling me this changes nothing because your word means nothing to me anymore... So I'm going on vacation.. Without you in mind....... ACTIONS"

 

Push and pull man... But don't fret little buddies... I meant what I said.. I'm not stressin this sht anymore! I honestly don't even know if I can forgive him.

 

I even brought it to his attention that the only time he "acts" is when I back off... This is the third time he does this... What a foolish little man he is.. He sees that I'm retracting and thinks, "WHOA WHOA! Nooo not yet... Wait a minute, watch this... I'm really leaving her this time"

What about if I go back to him? Will he pull back again?

I'm not taking that chance!

I'm staying where I am until this chaos is sorted... And THEN.... IF I want I will react... No more happy go lucky "yes he's really doing it this time" me. I thought he was doing it 2 weeks ago and he buckled.

Your thoughts?

[ComingInHot]

It's MEE, Have you confirmed any of this w/His Wife yet?

Maybe, Now, after All of this, you can get and give the truth.

It sure would (at least for me) help in deciding how/what I want to do.

 

Enjoy your Vaca !!

[Its_MEE]

It's MEE, Have you confirmed any of this w/His Wife yet?

Maybe, Now, after All of this, you can get and give the truth.

It sure would (at least for me) help in deciding how/what I want to do.

 

Enjoy your Vaca !!

 

CIH,

Thanks or the well wishes! I'll take a shot for ya!

 

TBH I have not thought about talking to her. I don't think I really want to. He made that decision cuz HE wanted to. I made it clear that he should not base his separation on me anymore because F HIM. Lol... No seriously though... I just don't have the desire to open up communication between her and I about this again.. He was unhappy besides this A so I hope that was the reason he did this.. Not me. Although I'm not dumb so i know he had me in mind. But like I said above. Me and him are currently not anything. I'm not playing that game with him anymore so regardless if him making the decision... I want nothing to do with this madness right now. I neeeeeed to heal.

[jlola]

I agree with 2Long. You are still being played ad until you start thinking like him and not you, you will not understand.

 

Most likely because you will be going away, he sees his "prize" leaving. His ego ill not allow him to lose. So he was probably moping around the house or at least very distracted.

 

The ife was probably angry, they had an argument, and she said it was over.

 

I do not think for a minute he told her "it is done" and she said ok!

 

These people are smart. He knows you will not call her and get the truth. Though I know you do not want to confront her again, it will be the only way you know if he is playing you or not!

 

Problem is, she may not pick up the phone because she blames you. But at least try to send a text or something.

 

The game is this(and I see my cheater father play it well). You know you can lie because most likely these 2 omen are at such odds, the likelihood of them speaking and finding out the truth is nill to none. So your word is what they go by.

 

He tells you one thing, tells her another.

 

And even if he left his wife, it will not be the end of the push-pull.

[ComingInHot]

It's MEE,

If you're Anything like me (sweet And feisty*) try my fav drink;

 

Two shots Hypnotic - Bright neon blue tropical and $$$

One shot Grey Goose Vodka

A pour of Pinapple Juice - bright Yellow

 

Stir to a neon green & so SOOOoooooo Good!!

 

Oh and sorry for talking to MM's W note above. I hadn't realized or I forgot that you already had...

 

Okay, I'm on My way to play in the sun too!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Good for you, Its_MEE!

 

It takes a strong person to put their foot down. Even though some part of you (or even every part of you) still loves him, you're done with his drama.

 

Because, based on everything you mentioned, you're right; he's only interested in working things out with you when you start to pull away. When he pulls away, he expects you to just wait there until he makes up his damn mind.

 

Well, it's too late, now; even if his divorce is confirmed, he's already hurt you too much. And on top of that, he shouldn't be leaving her, thinking he'll be with you. If he's divorcing, it should be because the marriage is failing.

 

If he had been honest with you, and himself, from the beginning, he may not have lost you at all.

 

He needs to focus on his divorce, and on being single for awhile, before thinking of entering a relationship with anyone else. He's done enough damage.

 

But seriously, good for you! I'm sure, after all this, you have a better understanding and respect for yourself, and will avoid entering another situation like this, again.

[Goodbye]

Yesterday was my last day at work until July 3rd. IM OFFICIALLY ON VACATION!

Anyways....

 

He sees me pull into the parking lot.. Comes outside and says "I need to talk to you". I immediately knew...

 

He did it. He told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he thought the best would be that they separate. They didn't argue. She agreed.

 

But see.... I've started my healing... I told him...

 

"You only did this because I'm leaving for a week and 1/2. And since I haven't been talking to you, you just couldn't bare I go on vacation thinking we were over. But you telling me this changes nothing because your word means nothing to me anymore... So I'm going on vacation.. Without you in mind....... ACTIONS"

 

Push and pull man... But don't fret little buddies... I meant what I said.. I'm not stressin this sht anymore! I honestly don't even know if I can forgive him.

 

I even brought it to his attention that the only time he "acts" is when I back off... This is the third time he does this... What a foolish little man he is.. He sees that I'm retracting and thinks, "WHOA WHOA! Nooo not yet... Wait a minute, watch this... I'm really leaving her this time"

What about if I go back to him? Will he pull back again?

I'm not taking that chance!

I'm staying where I am until this chaos is sorted... And THEN.... IF I want I will react... No more happy go lucky "yes he's really doing it this time" me. I thought he was doing it 2 weeks ago and he buckled.

Your thoughts?

 

 

I'm glad you are off on your vacation.

 

 

I like how he phrased it...SO typical: "I told her I THINK it would be BEST I we SEPARATE." If he actually did say that, it is still a long way from "Wife, I am going to file for divorce." He leaves himself loopholes everywhere.