Cheating with a masseuse

[Vasiliki]

I have been married for 23 years & discovered, a week ago, that my husband has been going to a massage parlour for the last year. It was only uncovered after i innocently overheard a telephone conversation between my husband & his massage servicer.

Needless to say i was both shocked & extremely upset. My husband has told me that he really only went there because the massage was good! he did admit that she wore short skirts & that on two occasions she

took her top off. However he only touched her breasts once!

He feels I'm over reacting & that he never had sex nor did he give his heart away.

I feel angry, confused & so upset. Not sure whether i can continue in this marriage knowing he has deceived me so easily for a year.

[TheWhitestRice]

I don't have any experience with marriages, so take from my advice what you will.

 

He lied to/deceived you for a year. The trust between you two is not in the best shape right now.

 

I don't think you're overreacting. I'm pretty sure he'd be mad if you went and fondled some guy's package, even if it was just "once".

 

Take a few days of space and use the time to collect your thoughts before you speak to him.

 

You guys need to have a serious talk; maybe MC?

 

I hope I'm not the only guy that thinks touching another woman's breasts while in a relationship is over the line.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well I haven't heard of men going to massage parlors for the "massage", they're pretty notorious for "sexual favors"...they're like legal brothels, I don't know If they all go full on sex...but everything underneath that wouldn't really surprise me from what I've heard over the years.

 

I think most guys would go to a chiropractor for any serious adjustments, like back, neck pain and the like...I've worked a very physically demanding job and that's where the guys I know went.

 

The man's been married for twenty three years, maybe he just needed to see some boobies and a young girl in a short skirt...it's not exactly news. But there's a high probability that's not the only thing he got there considering the venue.

 

As far as him telling you the whole truth, extremely likely he is not and will not, the majority of men if not all will minimize or skew the details of what actually occurred to make you less upset and try to minimize judgment and the consequences.

 

I think he's on the defensive at this point...he's trying to sweep it under the rug as something that wasn't a "big deal" full well knowing he crossed the line, if he admits it he has to admit fault and take on the full brunt of your wrath...so instead he likely feels very uncomfortable and attacked and is going to buy himself time till he figures out how to spin this.

 

I feel for you on the terms that he's broken your trust and hurt you deeply for engaging in this behavior with another woman, but it's not exactly news that a man married for 23 years isn't going to be curious or tempted by the physicality and sexuality of other women...I don't know how to reignite the spark and all of that personally, I just know that personally from being a young single guy and around older married men...they were always pretty excited about the prospect of my being single and love life.

 

The fact of the matter is he probably has been doing this longer than a year, now you have to question everything unfortunately. The other unfortunate part is you want to consider getting an STD test at this point, that is always prudent when there is a prospect of sexual intercourse with another woman or even receiving oral without protection. If these girls are letting him touch their boobies and wearing short skirts, it's not highly unlikely that they wouldn't be willing to do more...that's a progressive road for some.

 

You've got to have a serious conversation about this with him, tell him he's got to explain his behavior and admit to it being unacceptable and not just disregarding it as "not a big deal" because it is a clear violation of marital boundaries...and most importantly it is to you, If there is distance in your relationship or maybe it's become stagnant or boring discuss that part of the marriage...however your trust is likely to never be the same, that's the most unfortunate result if you continue on. He may not be too keen about the prospect of being divorced, maybe he just needed some sexual excitement not his lack of love for you...after all he's no young man anymore, but you might have to be open-minded and realistic about the likes of men....it's not that they are no longer interested in other women being married, they just merely avoid and resist the temptation, but maybe there's another supplement to address this mutually...but as for now, he has to discuss this issue with you, I'm sure you want to know all the exact details and will be very confused for some time at the least.

 

Don't expect the entire truth, read between the lines...you might only get so much and have to decide if that's what you can live with or not.

[Vasiliki]

Thank you for the replies.

I'm a 45 year old woman who is a wife, mother, daughter & sister. I'm not naive but believe my husband when he swears he went no further than touching breasts. This in itself is unexceptable to me!

White rice, I have to say for a young person, you are very mature & wise. My eldest son is 22 & i believe he would feel the same way as you.

There is clearly a difference between most men & women about what they feel is intimate.

At the end of the day, i"m probably old fashioned, but when you marry i believe trust,honesty,communication & love make a solid relationship & marriage.

[AMusing]

I don't feel you're overreacting. Frankly, that your husband's response is to tell you that you are overreacting, is the most concerning part of this post. It's dismissive of your feelings and doesn't lead to confidence that he won't be back to the parlor again (or, worse, won't feel that lying for a year about something else is wrong).

 

I hope you two can talk this out and come to an understanding. If not on your own, then counseling might not be a bad option. He might not have "cheated," per se, but he did damage your trust, and it is vital he work to regain it.

[Chi townD]

See, I hate places like this. It takes away from the folks that are professionally trained massage therapist where massages actually have a ligitmate medical benefit.

 

Sounds like he went to one of these "sleazy massage palor" where these girls have no idea how to do a correct massage and it's just a rub down with "happy ending".

 

Yeah, no reason for him to be going to these types of places. If it was a REAL massage place or a Spa, then I wouldn't care. But, this is much different.

[Joaquin]

Im sorry. It must be a very upsetting time for u.

 

A massage parlour that does these extras is called a brothel, a knocking shop, a whorehouse etc.

 

Dont believe any different.

 

If he'd gone to a strip club and touched boobs would u have minded?

[crederer]

Have you not been putting out for him? Not saying this is a good excuse, but some men have needs and if they aren't being met, they'll find it elsewhere. It's sleazy, yes.

 

It's cheating, imo, yes.

 

Look at yourself honestly and if he was making moves on you and you constantly rejected him, he's going to go outside the relationship. Not saying it's right, just saying it's a reality.

[CC12]

It was only uncovered after i innocently overheard a telephone conversation between my husband & his massage servicer.

 

What did you hear him say? Not that it's relevant, really, I'm just curious.

 

I don't blame you for being upset, and like another poster, I am also concerned that he says you're overreacting. He doesn't get to tell you you're overreacting. You're allowed to have feelings about it.

[Chi townD]

Why do men always assume the women isnt putting out?

 

Did you know over 50% of men conducting affairs have wives that "put out" regularly? Men cheat due to opportunity more than lack of sex. Huge myth in cheating. Men always pull this crappy excuse out if a guy cheats when most of the time, its simply because a new woman gave him an opportunity and he had no self control to turn her down. There are studies that show men tend to cheat more due to opportunity while women tend to do it more when they are unhappy. Not everyone of course, but its a general pattern.

 

If more women were willing to cheat, Id say 90% of cheating married men would do it to opportunity and not lack of sex.

 

Did you know that over 50% of married men dont think emotional neglect is a good enough reason for divorce and is no big deal? I should start asking cheating married women automatically "is your husband emotionally neglectful" and see all the men throw hissyfits.

 

While I'll agree that this is not everyone, recent studies have shown that women cheat just as much as men do (if not more) why? Because they have more of an opportunity. Men are ALWAYS hitting on women (married or not). And society has a different opinion on women and men that cheat. You believe that when men cheat, they seem to be glorified and respected to some level because they were able to secure some "side action". Which isn't the case.

 

I seen more men being treated as nothing more than a dog, a player and lower than pond scum and he was acting out from some primal animalistic instinct. And in cases where women cheat, it's because there was a breakdown of communication. He put up an emotional wall, he wasn't emotionally available to me. He put up a wall and shut me out. He did or didn't do something in the marriage or relationship that FORCED her to seek validation outside the relationship.

 

So, as it stands when men cheat, it's their fault. When women cheat, it's still the man's fault.

 

You can look at it that way too! Oh, and I'm a guy that got cheated on by a girl. So, I guess it was my fault somehow and I deserved it. SORRY! Cheating is wrong regardless of gender...people still end up getting hurt.