Not sure what to make of boyfriend's porn-viewing

[outoftheblue]

This is my first post.

My boyfirend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years. We have lived together for about 2 years. About 2 months ago, he decided that we needed time apart. He was partly upset tht he has taken a job change and now doesn't make as much money as he use to. He had fears of proviiding for me and thought I might better off with our him. I moved out for about a week. We both missed each other like crazy, and got back together. Keep in mind, there were no problems up until we split. When we got back together, he told me that he slept with a co-worker at a hotel while I was gone. I felt devastated, and so did he. I decided that we would have one night to talk about what happened an get everythig out in the open, and then lets never bring it up again, and move on.

Well, I knew that he masturbated to porn on the Internet before, no big deal, we use to actually look at it together. Now it seems like he wants to look at porn more than me. I feel submissive and I feel like I'm allowing him to do this and that it's afecting our relationship. he wakes up in the moring, he tries to wake up before me, so he can get on the Internet and search for porn. He tries to do it before I wake up, but if I wake up before him and he isn't able to, he is almost agitated with me, and in a bad mood. As soon as I take a shower he's on the computer. As sson as I get out, I can hear him closing down windows and returning to his homepage in a hurry. The porn thing isn't that big of an issue. Sure, he looks at girls that are wearing things that he says he doesn't like, or he looks at girl with big boobs when he tells me he doesn't like fake boobs, I can get over that. I can't get over the fact that he has to do this just to get off. If he's with me, he doesn't have to look at porn. But this is starting to effect my self-esteem. I just wish that in the mornings he would get aroused by me, instead of systemmaticaly runnung to the computer to masturbate. People deal with these kind of problems all the time. I just wish he would of given me more time to get over him sleeping with some girl as a one night stand (she doesn't work with him anymore), before he would even think about looking at porn.

To him, It's like ooppss, it happened. He has given me no time to render myself. How can I heal, and try to mend our relationship when I know he is getting off to other women.

Meanwhile, he is taking our relationship seriously, we are moving into a bigger apartment this week, he wants to get another pet...I don't think he wants to end things but it's not easy to talk about things with out him getting upset.

And just recently he told me that his dad us to be addidted to porn.

Wel, this has been long enough. To sum things up, I'm a little confused. Everything seemed to happen out of the blue. Am I crazy? Or are my feelings justified?

Thanks for listening, any post would be helpful.

[Moose]

All men like to look at porn. I do too, but I don't know where the addiction line is drawn.

 

Have you sat him down and had a heart to heart with him yet? If he's getting on the computer while you're in the shower, why don't you invite him into the shower with you? In fact, whenever you see him getting on the computer....to look at porn...get butt naked and sit on his lap.....

 

He may still be feeling remorse for having sex with the other woman....I don't know. But sex it up a little in your new apartment and see where that goes.

[outoftheblue]

Well, I have tried to initiate sex before he gets on the computer. Sometimes, if I just wake up, and before I try to initiate sex, he'll tell me to go back to sleep.

 

I do believe he does feel remorse about the affair. I wish he would realize that not paying attention to me and my needs and feelings, will not allow our relationship to grow back to the level it was at. When we did get back together, we had crazy, wild, wonderful sex, the kind that both of you come out of looking like you had just got in a fight rather than made love. That continued for a few days, then he it seemed that he would make up excuses to not have sex, until finally one time, he said he feels bad about what he had done and what he put me through. So, you might be right in that stand point. But, all this is making me feel worthless. I have tried to 'spice' things up since then. He seems a little disinterested, and I'm wondering if it's because he is getting use to looking at porn stars all day. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping that porn to him is just a quick fix.

 

I didn't mention that I saw that he had looked at his ex-girlfriends journal and pictures on-line too. He told me he was just curious.

 

By the way this all started because I decided to type in a web address instead of my usual google-ing. When I started writing out the address, everywhere he had been popped down. I did confront him about it, he did get mad, but he got over it. Now it's my turn.

[Papillon]

Originally posted by Moose

All men like to look at porn. I do too, but I don't know where the addiction line is drawn.

 

Have you sat him down and had a heart to heart with him yet? If he's getting on the computer while you're in the shower, why don't you invite him into the shower with you? In fact, whenever you see him getting on the computer....to look at porn...get butt naked and sit on his lap.....

 

He may still be feeling remorse for having sex with the other woman....I don't know. But sex it up a little in your new apartment and see where that goes.

 

That's some excellent advice right there.

[DJ_Dork]

This is a good tip for guys. Play on those female insecurities.

 

 

Bring them to strip clubs, Watch porn on computer in front of them. Stare at other girls. Girls will not leave a guy because he's doing that.

 

 

Only do this if the girl you are with plays a lot of games/deception/etc. I've done it and control all my women that way, it's the only way if they think they're my main object of affection.

[outoftheblue]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork

This is a good tip for guys. Play on those female insecurities.

 

 

Bring them to strip clubs, Watch porn on computer in front of them. Stare at other girls. Girls will not leave a guy because he's doing that.

 

 

Only do this if the girl you are with plays a lot of games/deception/etc. I've done it and control all my women that way, it's the only way if they think they're my main object of affection.

 

First off, I don't play games. I never have. When we first started dating we both told each other that we hated past relationships where our others played games.

 

The issue is not leaving a guy because he looks at porn. I have left guys in the past for much sillier reasons than that. The issue is trust. The issue is trying to mend our relationship.

 

Thanks for your 2 cents anyways.

[netrie]

Forget about the bf right now----face your feelings now before you go into this and EXPLODE one day over all of this porn crap.

 

I can see viewing porn if a peson is SINGLE and/or it is viewed only with each other in a relationship but you sound very bothered with this.

 

I say, "Get some counseling for your self and forget about him right now"

 

His dad was addicted to porn and so is the son... For him to run to the computer in the morning etc. behind your back is just as bad as CHEATING.

 

The guy needs to get therapy if he wants to keep you around and YOU need to get out of this before you get hurt even more. This is not going to get any better.

 

FACE YOUR FEELINGS AND BE WHO YOU ARE... This guy is totally addicted to sex/porn and big tits etc. Don't let him lie to you about how he doesnt like fake boobs! Bull sh__!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He is jacking off to these big breasted women!

 

Leave him or love him and go get big breast yourself.

 

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

[zara]

it sounds as though he is harbouring alot of guilt about his one night stand and although you both had a big talk about it i think it needs more discussion, maybe with a therapist, because this could trigger an addiction on the scale of his father's - at the moment he is using pron as a refuge becasue he probably fels as though he hasn't betryed porn, porn won't judge him, whereas when he is with you the guilt is probably too much to bear.

 

Please don't allow this to effect your self esteem - faced with one of those big breasted women he almost certainly wouldn't leave you for her, the women that men fantasise over would not seem so attractive to them in real life (if i had a dollar for every time a guy had lusted over me but then gone back to his ordinary looking girlfriend i could keep myself in jimmy choos for a decade!) for a whole host of reasons.

[twalkoe]

Please people...give me a flicking break! I am so sick of hearing that the woman needs to do more so that her man won't look at porn...It's crazy!

 

Yes, I believe that any man will look at porn if it is put in front of his face...most of us, even women would. However, this guy is finding ANY and EVERY excuse to check it out! I can't believe that even you hard core porn guys can't see that! If you guys need to check out other women naked, besides your wife or girlfriend, I think you need to start thinking about what's important in your life and how you're using your time. She absolutely cannot strip her clothing off everytime he decides he needs to look at porn! How is it up to her to try to get him interested in her instead of porn?? Stop excusing porn use as an outlet when your spouse didn't do something you wanted her to do. "Well, she won't strip and hop on my lap in the morning...so I'm just gonna get off to another woman on the computer." Does anyone hear how ridiculous that sounds???

 

Look sister...some men do it and some men don't. You need to decide what you can deal with and what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. If you don't like it and think it's as insensitive as some of us do...then tell him to trash it...if he can't or won't... then think about trashing him. Most men don't think that checking out porn has a damn thing to do with their spouse. That's because most men haven't taken a second to see this issue from a womams perspective. If you get mad or are hurt by it, he and every other guy in here, will tell you that you aren't doing enough sexually...or will tell you that you are insecure. All of this is a load of CRAP!

Women directly correlate sex with love. If he is making love to some image in his head instead of us...we get jealous and consider it cheating...it's how we work.

 

Also, porn doesn't have a damn thing to do with how you look. You could be a supermodel, or the little mousey girl in the corner...they still look at it.

 

Do not let this affect your self esteem. This is not your fault. He needs to be real with himself and realize how you feel about it. If it truly bugs you and he loves you...he'll give it up.

[Moose]

WTF?????????!!!!!!!!!!

 

Listen you.....she asked us what she should DO!!! You have some good points but lighten up would you? Who are you anyway? Not all of us guys say that it's the woman's fault......you don't know me that well do you????

 

We gave her some suggestions, if she follows up and let's us know where it went from here and he's doing the same s***, we'd be just like you are right now.....we aren't stupid......you could've been a little more conservative with your post......sometimes it is the woman's fault....surprise.

[Fritz]

mmm.. porn...

 

 

 

It sounds like you both need to sit down and seriously talk about things that have happened because yeah, he has issues with porn addiction or perhaps he's feeling guilty about his "affair".

[twalkoe]

Look...

 

All that I'm saying is that people jump to conclusions about the woman when her man is checking out porn. Some of them that I have heard and read are "you're insecure", "spice it up in the bedroom and then he won't desire porn", or people have assumed that the woman is "frigid".

 

I've read articles where men advise women to not give the "it's me or porn ultimatum". The reason being is that he'll say that he will give up porn, but then he'll just do it behind her back. Therefore still checking out porn AND lieing about it.

 

What everyone seems to be missing is that this is a dehabilitating habit to the woman in the mans life. She gets less and less intimacy, becomes insecure in her relationship, then soon starts wondering what wrong with her, or that maybe he prefers something other than her. Most women become insecure...whether they started out that way or not.

 

I would just love for once...one single solitary guy, to come out of the darkened corner and tell us all that he gave up porn becasue he realized that it hurt is spouse's feeling. Instead all we hear are things like I wrote up above...and maybe you could "sex it up" a little. I think that a couple's sex life has two people involved in it. If she were the one jumping out of bed to go check out some guy's package then we could advise her to "sex it up", to try to get some spark back in their marriage, so that she would become interested in him again. Unfortunately, when its this way then everyone assumes that the woman is lacking is some way.

 

The cold hard facts are that if she doesn't like it now, she will never like it. It will continue to wear on her self esteem and drag her down. He clearly has to quit, or she has to get out.

[Moose]

No that I can understand and swallow easier than your last post.....

 

I see what you're getting at. And I believe it. But the last comment you made about him either quitting or her leaving doesn't make sense to me.

 

I'm a firm believer in not making promises I can't keep. I used to try to make my wife believe me......but now I just tell her like it is. I think, ( and it's only my opinion ), that this guy shouldn't say that he'll quit just to keep his girlfriend from leaving....rather I'd like to think he'd wean himself off gradually instead with her help.

 

She shouldn't have to go this alone, and neither should he.

[savethedrama4allama]

Not all men view porn. Perhaps if he knows how much you dislike it, your boyfriend can do without it. If not, you can find a man who doesn't view it. They are out there.

[the_opposite_sex]

I use to feel so insecure when my b/f looked at porn *one area of insecurity i've overcome so far* Anywho, after tons of reading up on the whole "guys and porn" issue, i come to realize that its all just a tool and now i even look at it on my own AND with him from time to time. I dont know either where the line of "porn addiction" comes into play. I guess its just like being addicted to nicotine or something....you constantly feel the need to look at it. I personally think thats wrong. What do i know?

[twalkoe]

...sorry if I jumped down anyone's throat. As if you can't tell, I have very passionate views about this particular subject.

 

You're right...if he can see how the porn is making her feel and TRULY wants to give it up to enhance their relationship, she should stick with him until he's completely done and can trash it.

[Confused28]

This is a really disturbing post (referring to the quote copied and pasted below). I hope this is a joke. Manipulating someone like this is completely pathological and abusive.

Thanks, Confused28

 

 

 

 

DJ_Dork

Member

 

Registered: Sep 2004

Location:

Post: 5 | Quote:

 

This is a good tip for guys. Play on those female insecurities.

 

 

Bring them to strip clubs, Watch porn on computer in front of them. Stare at other girls. Girls will not leave a guy because he's doing that.

 

 

Only do this if the girl you are with plays a lot of games/deception/etc. I've done it and control all my women that way, it's the only way if they think they're my main object of affection.

[Draco]

Advice for guys or girls dealing with this problem of you SO giving more attention to something else then your:

 

1. You might as well start with trying to sex it up at first... I can say for sure this won't work, but your reason for it is not for it to work- you're doing it b/c you can claim that you tried in the future. Your true strategy should be as follows:

 

2. Occupy yourself with something that will boost your self-esteem. Meet other interesting people, for example. Draw your lines clearly, but be perfectly comfortable flirting with them. B/C guess what, this will help your relationship in the long run. You are in control here and you are setting the limits. If you don't. What could happen is this: no attention->lose self-esteem->start wondering about his love and affection -> start wondering about your love and affection -> start really getting interested in another guy/girl who actually pays attention to you. So that is where we don't want to be, therefore, you must boost your self-esteem w/o your SO for now.

 

Trust me, when you occupy yourself and seem wanted by others, your SO will come around. If even your unavailablity does not stimulate any interest in them for more than 3 months, you have a much bigger problem.

 

So go be confident and look pretty for now, and this time do it for yourself and not your SO.