Why does my husband want to sleep with me when he has another woman?

[M30USA]

Honest to God, why would you WANT such a waste of skin back in your life? He brings NOTHING - and I mean NOTHING - to the table.

 

You've mentioned that her husband brings "nothing to the table". That's possible. I do think more evidence/info is needed, along with both sides of the story until it's confirmed.

 

But here's a hypothetical question:

 

Is it possible for a WIFE to bring "nothing to the table"? If so, please describe to me what this would look like. Thanks.

Edited June 22, 2013 by M30USA

[trippi1432]

You've mentioned that her husband brings "nothing to the table". That's possible. I do think more evidence/info is needed, along with both sides of the story until it's confirmed.

 

But here's a hypothetical question:

 

Is it possible for a WIFE to bring "nothing to the table"? If so, please describe to me what this would look like. Thanks.

 

Sure - there are wives who can also bring nothing to the table. Most are selfish ones, and no different than deadbeat men who cheat on their wives, offer nothing in the way of serving the role as a parent, provide no financial stability and create daily drama and chaos in their role instead of being stable. It goes both ways M30. Not sure why you want to peel apart this woman's psyche though to make a point.

[M30USA]

Sure - there are wives who can also bring nothing to the table. Most are selfish ones, and no different than deadbeat men who cheat on their wives, offer nothing in the way of serving the role as a parent, provide no financial stability and create daily drama and chaos in their role instead of being stable. It goes both ways M30. Not sure why you want to peel apart this woman's psyche though to make a point.

 

Ok, fair post.

 

I'm not trying to peal apart her psyche. I have actually supported her as much as possible in prior posts and tried to give her my opinions.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

I really appreciate all of the advice and answers.

 

I am lonly, jealous, sad, mad, confused. And need to talk about it.I have two great sister and an excellent friend that I can go to. But number one I think they get tired of me dwelling on it and being so back and forth about what I'm gonna do. And number two none of them really knows what I'm feelng. I mean its so easy to say you understand. But until your husband leaves you for another woman you really dont know how it feels.

 

Its sickening. Litterally!

 

I have thought about going to counseling. I think it might do me good. But honestly I can't afford it.

 

My first post was honest. I know I have made mistakes here too. But did I ever deserve all the lying and cheating? No! I really don't think I did.

 

I do think he is a loser. I mean he had his moments of doing good things around here and occasionally helping with the kids or around the house. But for the most part it has always been on me. Its not really that much different with him gone other than I dont have an adult here to have adult conversation with or have him telling me im beautiful or loving on me every day.

 

I dont think he will "come to his senses" any time soon if ever.

 

Today is the third day in a row that I have not talked to him...well he text me earlier today to have me tell the boys he loves them and misses them. I just said "will do".

 

I have been keeping me and the boys busy swimming and having friends around. Its getting a tiny bit easier I suppose.

 

Time. Time. Time. I am just ready to be to a point where I just dont care about what he is doing or if he misses me and our life. And where I wake up and realize that he was a total douche and I should have left him and that its so much easier withhim gone.

 

M30USA,

 

Honestly what is your opinion here. Do u think I am stupid for wanting him back? Do u think I should let it go? Assuming you believe what I have said. Obviously you will never have his side of the story. (I can yell you that he would say I was a bitch and never listened when he wanted to talk about his problems. He would say I was mean and never made him feel like a man. He would tell you that he loved on me constantly and I made him feel stupid because I acted annoyed and never returned the favor)

You seem like you don't have a very high opinion of women. Maybe that s because of what you've been through in your relationships. I feel like most men are like my husband sometimes. But then I think about my dad and my brother in laws and I know that there are good men out there.

[imtooconfused]

I am lonly, jealous, sad, mad, confused. And need to talk about it.I have two great sister and an excellent friend that I can go to. But number one I think they get tired of me dwelling on it and being so back and forth about what I'm gonna do. And number two none of them really knows what I'm feelng. I mean its so easy to say you understand. But until your husband leaves you for another woman you really dont know how it feels.

 

Its sickening. Litterally!

 

lovemaynotbeenough, this is a fine place to talk, share and ask questions. This forum may not be any better than your friends are for giving advice. But collectively, we are here to listen.

 

Honestly what is your opinion here. Do u think I am stupid for wanting him back? Do u think I should let it go?

 

I can't say what's best for you. I am afraid you are not seeing things clearly, but that's just my opinion. I will tell you that a good friend of mine went through a similar situation. She was justified and successful in seeking divorce and she is quite a bit happier as a result.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

I wish people would say what they think is best. I guess thats what I am seeking here. There have been a few on here that have basically said that I should move on and the fact that I have already put up with so much is crazy. I haven't seen one response that has been pushing for me to work it out with him.

 

That is how I feel. I do think that is the smart thing to do. The right thing to at this point. For me and my boys.

[M30USA]

I really appreciate all of the advice and answers.

 

I am lonly, jealous, sad, mad, confused. And need to talk about it.I have two great sister and an excellent friend that I can go to. But number one I think they get tired of me dwelling on it and being so back and forth about what I'm gonna do. And number two none of them really knows what I'm feelng. I mean its so easy to say you understand. But until your husband leaves you for another woman you really dont know how it feels.

 

Its sickening. Litterally!

 

I have thought about going to counseling. I think it might do me good. But honestly I can't afford it.

 

My first post was honest. I know I have made mistakes here too. But did I ever deserve all the lying and cheating? No! I really don't think I did.

 

I do think he is a loser. I mean he had his moments of doing good things around here and occasionally helping with the kids or around the house. But for the most part it has always been on me. Its not really that much different with him gone other than I dont have an adult here to have adult conversation with or have him telling me im beautiful or loving on me every day.

 

I dont think he will "come to his senses" any time soon if ever.

 

Today is the third day in a row that I have not talked to him...well he text me earlier today to have me tell the boys he loves them and misses them. I just said "will do".

 

I have been keeping me and the boys busy swimming and having friends around. Its getting a tiny bit easier I suppose.

 

Time. Time. Time. I am just ready to be to a point where I just dont care about what he is doing or if he misses me and our life. And where I wake up and realize that he was a total douche and I should have left him and that its so much easier withhim gone.

 

M30USA,

 

Honestly what is your opinion here. Do u think I am stupid for wanting him back? Do u think I should let it go? Assuming you believe what I have said. Obviously you will never have his side of the story. (I can yell you that he would say I was a bitch and never listened when he wanted to talk about his problems. He would say I was mean and never made him feel like a man. He would tell you that he loved on me constantly and I made him feel stupid because I acted annoyed and never returned the favor)

You seem like you don't have a very high opinion of women. Maybe that s because of what you've been through in your relationships. I feel like most men are like my husband sometimes. But then I think about my dad and my brother in laws and I know that there are good men out there.

 

I don't have a low opinion of women. I just believe American culture has just about destroyed women and encrouraged them to live with expectations that can never be satisfied.

 

I don't know if you should reconcile with your husband--currently. I believe separation is probably the best thing right now. And there should be no sleeping together. You two must sort out your lives and find out if your problems are from the marriage or from you two as individuals (or possibly just one of you). You might be surprised at what answers will come to you if/when you withdraw and reflect. Being involved clouds your mind. This is okay most of the time assuming you're in a functioning marriage, but when you're not, separation is necessary.

Edited June 23, 2013 by M30USA

[coaches24]

I wish people would say what they think is best. I guess thats what I am seeking here. There have been a few on here that have basically said that I should move on and the fact that I have already put up with so much is crazy. I haven't seen one response that has been pushing for me to work it out with him.

 

That is how I feel. I do think that is the smart thing to do. The right thing to at this point. For me and my boys.

 

You have to make your own decision and do what you feel is right. If you can forgive him for being with the OW and he is willing to work on your relationship issues than do that and see what comes of it. You are right that most of the advice here is to pack up and move on. Only you know if that's the right move. I know for me that if I find out my wife truly is cheating on me ( several posters are convinced she is from my story) that I will be done. I can forgive a lot of things with my wife but if I find that she has been with someone else that would be the end for me and her. But since I don't have evidence that she is cheating and she has swore to me that she hasn't I am choosing to try and work things out despite several posters saying its the wrong move. For me however it's the right move and you have to make your choice yourself. I know I wouldn't feel right about myself if I ended things without trying. You need to do what you feel is right. Try for the best but prepare for the worst IMO. So be ready for things to not work in case your efforts don't work but don't worry about those that say not to try.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Do I think your marriage will be saved? Nobody can tell you. If you have one thing going for you it's that, unlike many women, you don't blame your husband for everything and you actually see your own fault in him "going elsewhere".

 

Good luck.

 

Maybe I am misunderstanding your post, but what do you mean, "you actually see your own fault in him going elsewhere?" So its her fault he is a cheating d-bag? Her fault?!?!?! Please tell me you meant to use other words.

 

If her husband wanted to be elsewhere, he should have grown a pair of balls, divorced his wife, and then got his &^%^ wet elsewhere. Maybe he should not have married anyone? Just an idea? Why does she have to own his cheating? She owned what she has done. She doesnt need to own what he did to her. Dont put his serial cheating BS on her! Eww. She is not at fault for him cheating. There is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour. End of story.

 

He is a cheater who couldnt act like a man to save his own life. She should not have to own that. What she does need to own is the fact that she knows she was beating a dead horse for years and trying to keep her family together was the worst thing for her sons to see, as their father is not what she wants her sons to be. What she does need to own is the fact that in trying to save her marriage, she probably showed her sons too much of a bad thing, instead of protecting them sooner from that man they call daddy. Lets just hope she gets them away from him now, so they dont grow up believing all men cheat and all women tolerate it. She has her head where it needs to be right now, and that is her, trying to protect herself and her children from this child we are calling a man.

 

OP - Youre doing a great job! Keep posting here. You are definitely on the right path. He believes cake eating is ok and will not change. It is not your fault your H went elsewhere. He could have divorced you ages ago (or not married you at all - NOW THERES AN IDEA!!!) and THEN gone and slept with whoever he wanted. Right? That is a problem HE has and it has NOTHING to do with you. DO NOT own it. Its his issue. You have your issues. He has his. Dont own more than what is yours. Him screwing other women = not your issue. You allowing this to go on longer and longer = your issue. Why have you allowed this to go on for so long? Why would you have his children? Why would you marry him? Why would you continue along this path with him and completely play stupid when you KNEW all of these things before having children and before getting married??? Why would you choose to completely disregard NUMEROUS people telling you he was cheating as well as finding out numerous times he was cheating with different women and coworkers? What was it that made it so easy to disregard? This is a big question. Why would you stay knowing he was doing this to you? You deserve so much more than this, and part of you has to believe you werent worth the effort. You ARE!!! I think you are finally at a point where enough is enough and everyone reaches their "done." I hope youre "done." As you said, you grew up in a loving home, and you KNEW better going into this. You knew better before you had his children, but you didnt respect yourself enough. Why? Its a tough one to answer, but I sincerely hope you search long and hard for the answer.

 

You can and will get through this! You WILL surprise yourself. Make your boys proud, Mama!!! Most of all, and above all else, make yourself proud! You have the strength, even if you feel you dont. You have never given yourself the chance. xoxoxoxo

[M30USA]

Maybe I am misunderstanding your post, but what do you mean, "you actually see your own fault in him going elsewhere?" So its her fault he is a cheating d-bag? Her fault?!?!?! Please tell me you meant to use other words.

 

If her husband wanted to be elsewhere, he should have grown a pair of balls, divorced his wife, and then got his &^%^ wet elsewhere. Maybe he should not have married anyone? Just an idea? Why does she have to own his cheating? She owned what she has done. She doesnt need to own what he did to her. Dont put his serial cheating BS on her! Eww. She is not at fault for him cheating. There is NO EXCUSE for his behaviour. End of story.

 

He is a cheater who couldnt act like a man to save his own life. She should not have to own that. What she does need to own is the fact that she knows she was beating a dead horse for years and trying to keep her family together was the worst thing for her sons to see, as their father is not what she wants her sons to be. What she does need to own is the fact that in trying to save her marriage, she probably showed her sons too much of a bad thing, instead of protecting them sooner from that man they call daddy. Lets just hope she gets them away from him now, so they dont grow up believing all men cheat and all women tolerate it. She has her head where it needs to be right now, and that is her, trying to protect herself and her children from this child we are calling a man.

 

OP - Youre doing a great job! Keep posting here. You are definitely on the right path. He believes cake eating is ok and will not change. It is not your fault your H went elsewhere. He could have divorced you ages ago (or not married you at all - NOW THERES AN IDEA!!!) and THEN gone and slept with whoever he wanted. Right? That is a problem HE has and it has NOTHING to do with you. DO NOT own it. Its his issue. You have your issues. He has his. Dont own more than what is yours. Him screwing other women = not your issue. You allowing this to go on longer and longer = your issue. Why have you allowed this to go on for so long? Why would you have his children? Why would you marry him? Why would you continue along this path with him and completely play stupid when you KNEW all of these things before having children and before getting married??? Why would you choose to completely disregard NUMEROUS people telling you he was cheating as well as finding out numerous times he was cheating with different women and coworkers? What was it that made it so easy to disregard? This is a big question. Why would you stay knowing he was doing this to you? You deserve so much more than this, and part of you has to believe you werent worth the effort. You ARE!!! I think you are finally at a point where enough is enough and everyone reaches their "done." I hope youre "done." As you said, you grew up in a loving home, and you KNEW better going into this. You knew better before you had his children, but you didnt respect yourself enough. Why? Its a tough one to answer, but I sincerely hope you search long and hard for the answer.

 

You can and will get through this! You WILL surprise yourself. Make your boys proud, Mama!!! Most of all, and above all else, make yourself proud! You have the strength, even if you feel you dont. You have never given yourself the chance. xoxoxoxo

 

Would you say the same for a woman who was "driven to cheat on her husband" after being unappreciated and neglected? As long as you have consistent rules across the board, I have no problems with anything you just said.

[trippi1432]

Would you say the same for a woman who was "driven to cheat on her husband" after being unappreciated and neglected? As long as you have consistent rules across the board, I have no problems with anything you just said.

 

 

It is across the board...cheating is not driven, it's a lack of morals, values and respect for another person, no matter the gender.

 

You are confusing a reaction for an action. Cheating is not a reaction, it is a clear action that uses "driven" as a validation for a moral wrong.

[imtooconfused]

I wish people would say what they think is best. I guess thats what I am seeking here. There have been a few on here that have basically said that I should move on and the fact that I have already put up with so much is crazy. I haven't seen one response that has been pushing for me to work it out with him.

 

That is how I feel. I do think that is the smart thing to do. The right thing to at this point. For me and my boys.

 

What I think is best is for you to dump this DB. You deserve a lot better than this guy.

 

But that still may not be the right answer for you. There is something about this guy that you are still powerfully in love with, so much so that you are willing to make up every excuse in the book to explain his awful behavior, even to the point of blaming yourself. Honestly, I would like to know what it is about guys like this that would cause that kind of reaction in a woman, because I have seen in over and over again.

 

So you have to figure out in your own mind why being disrespected, showing your children a bad role model, the lying and deceit can all be washed away by some sweet talk from him, which (of course) leads to jumping into bed.

 

The best advice I have heard recently on this thread is to do what's best for your children:

 

You can and will get through this! You WILL surprise yourself. Make your boys proud, Mama!!! Most of all, and above all else, make yourself proud! You have the strength, even if you feel you dont. You have never given yourself the chance. xoxoxoxo

[oldshirt]

I obviously have delusions of having a happy little family that we really never were in the first place.

 

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

He is a charmer and schmoozer. He has a masculine and sexy energy that makes your jay-jay tingle and you are sexually stimulated by him.

 

He gives you that hormone rush and then you try to fill in the rest of the gaps and your imagination tries to tell you that he is husband and father material and that because you are getting orgasms that you have a healthy and functional home life with a decent man who is actually devoted to taking care of his wife and family.

 

It's all a delusion.

 

You actually have a selfish, self-centered player and con man and possibly even a narcissist or even someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (look it up and see if it sounds like him) that is dedicated to pursuing his own wants without regard to how it hurts other people.

[oldshirt]

You are making this complicated because you want him and your marriage to be perfect and you are trying to connect the dots between feeling desired and having orgasm with having a healthy, stable, functional home and family life. In other words, he gives you a sexual rush and you try to fill in the gaps and make that a happy, healthy home.

 

But the truth is he is not a good husband and father and never will be. He will never be able to provide a healthy, stable home for you and your kids because he himself is not healthy and stable. He is a player, a womanizer, irresponsible, a narcissist, possibly a sociopath and may even have an actual personality disorder.

 

This is not complicated at all, it is very simple. If you want to keep living like you have been, then stay with him. This is how it is always going to be.

 

But if you want a better life and a more stable and healthy environment for your kids, then you simply need to disengage yourself with him.

 

Most women have caught on to players and narcissists by the time they are in their mid 20s and then they seek out decent, stable men that treat people decently and actually want to provide a healthy and function home and family life. Somewhere along the line you missed that lesson.

 

The good news is there are normal, decent men out there that are good in bed and can give orgasms too. You don't have to settle for a narcissistic, womanizing, irresponsible player to have orgasms and feel desired.

 

In your case, even if you don't find a decent guy, you and your children will be better off just by yourself rather than having all the chaos and drama with guy.

[oldshirt]

Oh I almost forgot to answer the question posed in the title of this thread.

 

The reason he wants to sleep with you when he has other women is because he is a narcissistic, womanizing player that only cares about banging chicks. He only cares about draining his own tank with whoever will do it. He wants to bang as many chicks as possible and has no interest whatsoever in raising a happy, healthy family with just one.

 

He has no desire whatsoever to just be with one woman no matter how pretty, sexy, nice and decent that one woman is.

 

The reason you are even posing that question and having that dilemma is because part of you believes that he thinks like you in that if one person were good enough that he would be satisfied and would be satisfied with one person.

 

That is completely erroneous thinking. His mind doesn't work that way at all. He wants ADDITIONAL women, not just one good woman. He wants more women and as many women as possible, not just one no matter how good that woman is.

 

So what this means is that there is absolutely, positively NOTHING you can do to change this. You are only one woman and one woman will never be enough for him because he doesn't want one woman. He wants them all.

 

There isn't anything you did to make him cheat or neglect you and your kids. He just that naturally and innately all on his own because that is who and what he is. This is the kind of guy that cheats on Sandra Bullock. He could be with the most beautiful, sexy, nicest and most beautiful woman on the planet and he would still bang skanky ho's on the side because monogamy and family mean nothing to him and he only wants to bang multiple women.

 

He can't be changed and he can't be fixed. It's simply how he is wired and it is his nature. It doesn't matter what you do or how you are as a person. You are irrelevant to him. It is his nature.

 

This is why grandmothers teach their granddaughters not to screw guys until they really know them and know what kind of people they are. This is why mothers and grandmothers teach their little girls not screw guys and not to pregnant by guys until they know that the men are responsible and capable of providing for and raising a functional home and family.

[GuyInLimbo]

You should be able to contact your local health department for places that provide free counseling. I know that therapy can be expensive, believe me. Also, if you have health insurance, you should be able to get someone with just a $20 or so co-pay.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Thank you all so much! Most everyone is just confirming what I already feel or know and it helps me feel better

 

I have made a decision to stay away from him and work on getting a divorce as cheaply and quickly as possible.

 

A friend (the wife of a couple my husband and I hung out with regularly) told me last night that they went out with a few friends saturday night. My husband was asked to go with them. He asked if he could bring his OW. He was told he could if wanted but that my friend wouldn't like it. He brought her anyways.

 

Not gonna lie. It really really hurts. I know I shouldn't be shocked but I AM!

 

I am going to completly ignore it (as far as he is concerned). No calling or texting him about how it hurts or asking why why why! I am just leaving it be. It is over There is nothing I can say or do to make him be a different person. He is what he is and I have been overlooking and denying it for too long. I do not want to live that way anymore. Or this way for that matter (letting him and his other woman affect me).

 

Again. I am just going to have to be patient with myself and hopefully eventually the hurting and worrying will leave me!

 

I understand we are seperated and we can do as we please but... shouldnt people wait until they are divorced before being with other people? Probably just me being jealous...

[ver13]

I agree with you I would wait until I was "D" before I would even think about getting involved with someone else. But that just me our folks jump right into the "let's date" scene as soon as they leave the house. IMO if a person starts down that road then you know all there is about trying to reconcile, why bother.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Now my friend that told me my husband and the other woman went out together has sent me a pict ure that was apperently on facebook (for some reason I can not see it) of my husband sitting on her lap all hugged up and happy.

 

I lost it at work. They sent me home because I couldnt pull it together. I have about an hour and a half to calm down because I have to go get my kids.

 

I just feel sick! Who is this person? Why is he doing these things? Why am I letting it eat at me?

[GuyInLimbo]

Your "friend"???? Dump her. Who the hell does that? What kind of friend sends pictures like that knowing it will only upset you? You should be more upset with your friend than your ex. That was a horrible thing for her to do to you.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

She said she did it so I would see that he has made his choice and that she wants me to stop sleeping with him. I am not mad at her. I did tell her that since she will probably be seeing him doing these things that I do not want to know more. I know enough! I still want to hang out with her and be friends but I do not want these updates because it just makes me fewl horrible!

 

I mean having to leave work? ! I am not this dramatic sap! I always thought I was an extremely strong individual. Now im not so sure...

[lovemaynotbeenough]

I saw the picture. Its really killing me. I havent talked to him. I was able to pull it together to get the boys and go to a movie tonight. Now everyone is asleep and im lonly and sad.

 

Does anyone think I should say anything to him?

 

I think I should just ignore it. I mean I dont think he is sitting around waiting for me to say something but he knew I would at the very least hear from my friend that they were together. I think he expects me to say something. I dont think I should.

 

My dad says I should go get a divorce. I really do think thats the best thing to do.

 

My sister-in-law sayes to stop and think for a few days. She says she understands im mad and hurting but not to do something so major when I am so upset because I might regret it later.

I guess I kinda agree with that too.

 

He said when this all started that he wants to have the kids 50/50. He doesn't want to do lawyers and have to pay child support. I dont know all the legalities of our situation but someone told me that since our kids are on the government health insurance they will make him pay child support.

 

Right now our agreement is I have the kids monday tuesday and wednesday at 8 pm. He has wednesday after school overnight thursday and every other weekend. There has not been one weekend he has had them where he spent the whole time with them. He has his mom and sister keep them for him. I have even kept them on his weekend at least once so he could do his bike club bulls#!t. And most of his weekdays I have had to pick them up until he is ready to come get the when he is supposed to be getting them from school.

 

My sister says I need to put my mean face on and make him take the kids and refuse to help him out on his weekends. I just dont want the boys to feel unwanted. I am their mom. I dont mind spending any time with them. Any thoughts on this?

 

I dont think he really cares about having time with them. I just think he doesn't want to have to pay child support.

 

Ughh! I dont know what to do. I dont want to fight with him. I dont have money for a lawyer so we have to come up with an agreement ourselves. I dont want to be a bitch and keep the kids from him because I am affraid they might resent me later in life if he wanted to have more time and I didnt allow it. What is everyone s ideas here?

 

Any advice/ suggestions?

[lovemaynotbeenough]

I am extremly nervous about having to deal with my husband today. I have not talked to him or seen him in a week.

 

He is supposed to pick up the boys from school and bring them home to me tonight.

 

I don't want to talk to him so I will just wait until 15 minutes before camp closes and call and make sure the boys got picked up. If he hasn't brought them home at our scheduled time I will text him to ask if they are on their way.

 

It just sucks because I don't want to talk to him but if he doesn't try to talk to me I will probably be all sad about that too :/

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Had to talk to my husband last night. I wanted to ask him if I could have the boys on the 4th of july if he didn't already have plans since it fell on his day. The plan was to get my answer and say goodbye. He said I could...but I lingered waiting to hear if he had anything to say.

 

He is looking into buying a house (so he can move out of his mothers). And needed some info on other bills we shared to do so. I gave him the info he needed. Then I asked why are you now doing all of these things? Why didn't you ever do them when you lived with me? He said because he had me to do it for him and now he has to grow up.

 

He asked me if I was ok. I said ya...doing good. Then he asked "you didn't have to leave work this week?" I just told him I didn't want to talk about it. I said he seemed to be doing good and he said "Ya. I am not depressed any more. I am away from all that. I am happy." Then he basically blamed me for all of his depression. He said he followed me around the house like a lost puppy dog every day searching for love and affection that he never got. I didn't argue with him. For the most part that is not a lie. He tried to say it nicely and kept saying he wasn't blaming me but he was.

 

He asked me if it was ok if he took our boys to do something with his OW and her kids this weekend since it is his weekend. I told him I don't think I am ready for that. He said that he is sorry. It matters that I am not ready but then again it doesn't. He can't wait forever for me to find sombody so he can follow through with what he wants to do. Basically he is tired of waiting for me to be ok with it and he isn't going to wait any more.

 

He told me he already asked our oldest son how he would feel if mommy or daddy had a new boyfriend or girlfriend and he(my son) just said he wasn't sure. That he didn't know how he would feel. I talked to them both a little bit about it last night and this morning. I have a feeling that my husband will go ahead and take them to hang out with her so I figured I better prepare them. I just told them I think it might happen and however they feel about it is ok.

 

I told my husband I had started looking into getting a divorce. That I will keep everything the way we have agreed up to this point. He said if I will wait till he gets his house plans straightened out that he will pay half. But he wants me to agree to sign some paper saying he will not have to pay child support at all. And he wants joint custody.

 

I am so confused.

 

I need advice/encouragement/thoughts please!

 

I am scared to agree to his terms because he has never proven to do what he says he is going to do in the past. I am scared he is just saying he wants the kids half of the time to avoid paying child support. But at the same time I do not want to keep the boys from him if he truly wants them. I think they would resent me later on. I am not seeking revenge. Yes his new woman makes me sick and what he has done hurts so bad but I don't want to make a wrong decision for the boys because I am having issues.

 

I did call today and make an appointment for anti-depressants. I am way too sad and confused. I would feel better for a day or two and think I could be strong and handle it all. But it has just become too much! I have to start getting help.

[imtooconfused]

I am so confused.

 

I need advice/encouragement/thoughts please!

 

I am scared to agree to his terms because he has never proven to do what he says he is going to do in the past. I am scared he is just saying he wants the kids half of the time to avoid paying child support. But at the same time I do not want to keep the boys from him if he truly wants them. I think they would resent me later on. I am not seeking revenge. Yes his new woman makes me sick and what he has done hurts so bad but I don't want to make a wrong decision for the boys because I am having issues.

 

You don't come off sounding confused at all. Your story sounds like you have it really well together. Most people would be a total wreck after an encounter with the stbx. You may feel that you were, but it sounds like you did great.

 

As for visitation versus child support, the lawyers should be able to work the agreement so that if he doesn't live up to the visitation expectations, that the child support would be required. It will then be up to him to follow through with taking care of the kids, otherwise pay the support. It shouldn't be that hard for the lawyers to make that official.

 

I did call today and make an appointment for anti-depressants. I am way too sad and confused. I would feel better for a day or two and think I could be strong and handle it all. But it has just become too much! I have to start getting help.

 

I hope that this means that you are also getting counseling along with the meds. The meds help, but the "talking therapy" with a professional helps a whole lot more.