Why does my husband want to sleep with me when he has another woman?

[lovemaynotbeenough]

You don't come off sounding confused at all. Your story sounds like you have it really well together. Most people would be a total wreck after an encounter with the stbx. You may feel that you were, but it sounds like you did great.

 

As for visitation versus child support, the lawyers should be able to work the agreement so that if he doesn't live up to the visitation expectations, that the child support would be required. It will then be up to him to follow through with taking care of the kids, otherwise pay the support. It shouldn't be that hard for the lawyers to make that official.

 

 

 

I hope that this means that you are also getting counseling along with the meds. The meds help, but the "talking therapy" with a professional helps a whole lot more.

 

Thank you!

 

I was a total wreck afterwards. I didnt want him to see it though. He really doesn't care and has proved that by his actions. I called everyone I could think of afterwards and his sister came over and let me cry and talk about it. She and I have always been close but I fwel luke maybe I should stop running to her. Like she probably will tell my husband everything. She doesn't take sides or anything. She tries to be neutral. She and my mother in law have always been good to me and I love them.

 

He doesnt want me to get a lawyer and at first I thought that I wouldnt. But I do think I should seek child support. I am financially able to make it right now with no assistance except the state health insurance. But this is also for the future of the boys. My husband has been completly irresponsible for the 10 years we were together. He has only been doing for himself for the past 3 months. And I would venture to guess that his ow has been helping him out as well. I just dont trust that he will willingly help me financially when the boys need things. And I dont wanna be running back to court wasting more money on bickering! I am going to find a lawyer asap.

 

I had to talk to my husband again today. He came by to pick up the bags I packed for the boys. He said he didnt like that I told the boys they would be meeting his girlfriend this weekend. That it wasn't my place. WHAT? Not a moms place to try to prepare them for something that they may not like? How is that not my place? I am their mom and their emotional wellbeing is my business. I honestly dont think the boys will think much of it. They are doing pretty well. Thank goodness! My 7 year old might think its weird because he understands a little more but I dunno...

 

What are others thoughts? Should I stop talking to my sister in law about this? Should I seek child support? Should I not have tried to prepare the boys for finding out their dad has a girlfriend?

 

I appreciate all the feedback. There are so many awesome people on here to take time to help others.

 

No. I have not looked into counseling. My friend says I shouldn't do the anti depressants but ask for something more for anxiety attacks. She says I need to feel the pain and understand that its just partof moving on.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Well... He did it last night. Took the boys to meet his new girlfriend. Well they have already met her but he took them to the park with her and told them she was his girlfriend. I have not talked to him. The boys told me this morning. I asked them how they feel about it and they said "good".

 

Although I really wish my husband could have waited...I am actually relieved that it is all out in the open and they are ok with it. I am glad that they are young enough to not understand or care about mom and dads problems. Hopefully it will be all over before they realize that what he did was super messed up.

 

I think I am going to look into counseling for the three of us today. I don't want it to be the focus of their lives or anything. Maybe just like once every two weeks or so just so they can figure out how to deal or what their feelings really are and know that however they feel about it is perfectly fine. I know I would probably benefit most from it. I dunno...

 

What does everyone else think? The boys don't say they have problems with this. My youngest is 5 and really doesn't understand at all. My oldest I am sure gets it a little better but all he ever says when I ask or bring it up is "Yes mom! I know you and dad both love us very much and you guys just couldn't get along. I know I know!" I have asked him how this all makes him feel and he says "good". I have asked him how he feels about dad not living with us and he says "good. I like it."

 

I don't want to make an issue out of nothing with them but I don't know if they are just not understanding their feelings. They have both been different since he left. My oldest has been angry and has fits over things that he usually would brush off. My youngest has been extremly clingy. He never wants to go with his dad. He is always worrying when he will have to leave me.

 

Am I making this an issue for them because it is so hard for me? Should I just leave it alone?

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Geez! I went to the park with the boys for a family picnic at their summer camp. The boys were all excited telling me that dad had another date with his new girlfriend tonight (in front of anyone close enough to hear) and that he is taking them to the kiddie park with her and her kids.

 

Ughh! I just said "Oh really?" ...as i am instantly sick to my stomach.

 

I have always told them they can tell mom anything and to always tell me the truth even if they think they might get in trouble.

 

My life is just rough right now! I need to get a life a matter of fact. I don't want to be consumed with what my husband and his now girlfriend are doing.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

This is my husbands weekend with the kids. He had them last night and they spent the night at his AP's house! I am soo pissed!

 

I did not ask him not to do this because I thought he for sure would if I asked him not to.

 

I have started on the divorce papers. I actually have them ready. Just have to sign them and file.

 

I am thinking of getting the boys from camp early and staying at my moms house with them this weekend. Without telling him.

 

I do not feel they should be staying at her house. He can stay at his moms!

 

What is everyones opinion? Should I just let this go?

 

I know I am not completly 100% over him but I am certainly getting close! This is not out of spite. He shouldn't be doing this! He is just messing with the kids minds! What the hell is he thinking.

[hayewils]

You cant control what he is doing. What you can control is you, and only you.

Follow through with your divorce papers and be a strong mommy to your boys. That's what you can do. We all try to do and hope for the best, but sometimes we find that things are out of our hands..

You will make it through.. My first divorce involved three little individuals. I had a real hard time because of the kids. I understood after a few months that I was never in love with their mother. I thank her for my children and she and I finally talk on a civil level today.

My children then were 8 and 6. Now they are 18 and 16.. Its good today that I can look back and don't have any feelings at all anymore. But I do remember what I went through. These kind of things leave scars, but they are scars that heel.

You will see.. I know what your going through. Been there done that..

[charisma.9901]

Love,

 

Seek child support. Absolutely 110% seek child support. You have every right to be upset about him taking your children to stay at her house-- and you can have it written into the custody order that he is not allowed to do so until/unless they are actually co-habitating (ie. he wouldn't be able to take them to spend the night anywhere unless his name was on the lease/it's his permanent address).

 

You need to take control of the situation ASAP. You NEED to seek child support. Take it from another single mother, you WILL want that for your boys. If you cannot afford a lawyer, contact legal aid-- they will often be willing to work with you on a payment plan/sliding scale fee basis, depending on your income. Do NOT do this alone, you need a lawyer. It's not about revenge-- it's about what is best for your children. He does not sound like a stable or responsible/positive influence for your boys. You have to do what you have to do to safeguard their best interests.

 

Ignore him as much as possible-- in fact, if you can communicate via your lawyer only, that might be the best way forward. He sounds like an absolute a** and a bully. You have got to get a lawyer and stick to your guns. He's their daddy, he should be responsible for supporting them.

 

Also, another crucial point (which prompted me to tell you to get a lawyer)-- if you have others who can corroborate the fact that he was actively cheating on you & if you live in a fault state, it might help bolster your case for primary custody, and could possibly entitle you to alimony payments.. but again, those laws vary depending on where you live.

 

In short: stick to your guns, get a lawyer and GIVE HIM HELL. From what you've written, he deserves it.

[lovemaynotbeenough]

My divorce paperwork has been filed! I am actually feeling really good about it. Just nervous about his reaction. I think he will be served tonight. I am seeking child support. Everyone I have talked to said there is no real way around it for him. I just hope they are right.

 

Wish me luck!

 

Thanks everyone for listening

[JasonRules]

I am starting from the very beginning...

 

My husband and I were together for 10 years (married 5). We have two boys ages 7 and 5.

 

Before we got pregnant with our oldest I caught him talking to another woman. I confronted both of them and was told that they were just friends. She said she told him on many occasions to tell me and not keep it secret and that he was the one that made that decision. He said the same thing.

 

After that there were a few occasion where people approached me telling me that he had cheated on me or had been talking to other people. I never had proof and he of course he denied all of this. I chose to believe him because I really didn't know these people and I love him.

 

Then when I was pregnant with our youngest he was caught again. It was a girl from work. I had suspicions and he of course denied. But when I got the phone bill all was revealed. He confessed then. He said that he spent the night at her house one night after a party. He swore they didn't sleep together and that he slept next to her on the couch but other people were sleeping in the same room. He admitted that they kissed one night at work.

 

After that he moved out for about a week when we decided to keep on trying to work it out. We made promises to each other to be honest. I confessed to him about kissing some guy at a bar when I had gone out with my girlfriends. and riding in some guy’s car to another bar on a different night out with the girls.

 

We got married after our youngest son was born. I still had major trust issues. We went out one night and I saw a guy I knew (a customer from work) and introduced him to my husband. My husband didn’t like it. We got into an argument. He said he was leaving and for me to get a ride with my friends. As the night went on and I had a few more drinks I wanted to go dancing. My friend didn’t want to. She offered to take me home when the customer from work offered to take me dancing. I went dancing. We went to one bar, danced, and then he dropped me off at home. My husband was sitting on the porch when I got dropped off. My husband said he never left the bar. He heard the guy offer to take me dancing and followed us. He knew where I was and knew I was telling the truth about nothing happened because there just wasn’t enough time from the time he saw us go in and the time I got home.(really nothing happened).

 

I felt awful after that. I know I was seeking revenge after all I had been through with his infidelity. I also knew that was no excuse. What I did was wrong! I knew I wanted to be married to the father of my children. I know it really bothered him. He brought it up a lot and I always backfired with how he had cheated while I was pregnant. It was a vicious cycle for a long time.

 

Sometime between then and now we had calm for some time. We seemed to have moved past all of that and were becoming stronger as a family. He knew all my passwords to email and Facebook. I would leave my phone out for him to go through if he felt the urge and he did the same for me. We both still had issues with it but seemed to gain much more trust than we ever had.

 

And then.... he changed his Facebook password. I thought we were doing great (aside from the normal fighting couples do) When that happened and he refused to give it to me…I started to get kind of nuts trying to get something on him. I accused him of trying to talk to both of my sisters (one of my sisters he really did say something totally inappropriate to) and even accused him of trying to talk to his own cousin. I know nothing ever happened there. I was just so crazy about thinking he was going to cheat again... (Geez! As I am typing this all out I am realizing just how bad things have been and it makes me really sad for my boys) I ended up finding him answering a Craig’s list ad. I can’t remember if I still knew his e mail password at that time or if he had left it up on the computer. But his story to that one was “I was really drunk from going to the bar. Nothing happened. I was just horny, missing you, and wanted to talk to someone but never got a response back” (our kids and I were out of town for a few nights) I actually believe that nothing came of it. Just the fact that he answered one of those hot and horny ads was enough to hurt me.

 

Now we move on to our current state... about 2 years ago he started a motorcycle club with friends. In the early days a guy joined (We will call him G). G and his wife had lots of problems. She had cheated several times with G’s friends, family, and her boss. From the very beginning of them coming around other wives in the club did not like her and were telling me I needed to watch out because they thought she was “after my man”. My husband’s mom was even in agreement with this. I thought it was crazy! I even remember having a conversation with my mother in-law where she told me I needed to do something about her. I said “What can I do? If he (my husband) chooses to go there… What can I really do? It is his choice and I know he loves me and wouldn’t do that.” My husband was actually really good friends with G. They said they were best friends and were “brothers” in the motorcycle club. Our families hung out together on a few occasions. I never really liked the girl but my husband tried hard to make me be friends with her.

 

Well...before thanksgiving those two (G and his wife) told everyone they were going to split after the holidays. (They have 2 kids and didn't want to ruin Christmas). Well I’m sure you know where this is going…. My husband left me in March. He said he wasn't happy. That there wasn't anyone else but he just couldn't do this anymore.

 

I had my suspicions from the time he told me he wanted to leave that he was talking to G’s wife. I asked him many times and he always said “No. I would tell you if I was because I wouldn’t want you to have to hear it from someone else.” He swore on his kids’ lives that he was not talking to her. But when I asked if he would please stay away from her he would say that he could not promise that. He said he was free to do what he wanted and I couldn't tell him who to talk to.

 

After about a month and a half of our separation he tells me he wants to start talking to G’s wife. I got mad and called G. He tells me that my husband has been talking to his wife since back before they decided to split. G basically said he is ok with it. That he doesn't want to be with her anymore and he has moved on with someone else and he and my husband will still be best friends!

 

The entire time my husband and I were separated we had been sleeping together. I would tell him that’s not what I want to be doing because it does not help me move on. He would agree but still try and I would give in.

 

Now we have been separated for 3 months... I still want him back. I have been through many different emotions. Anger when he first left... then sadness because I wanted him to come home. He refused. Said he had a taste of freedom and liked it. Then when I found out my husband and her were actually talking for months and he had been lieing to my face about it… I was angry again. For one week after I knew they were talking I refused to speak to him or see him unless it had to do with the kids. Then I was sad again. Missing him.

 

I told him we had to stop sleeping together. He always agrees but tries anyways. I know I shouldn’t! (Before I knew about the other woman I justified it by saying he is my husband and I love him and maybe he will come back) now I know for sure about her. He has told me he is attracted to her. That they have so much in common. When he tries to sleep with me I usually give in. There has only been one time I said no and stuck to it. I have to stop! Every time we do I am back to being depressed. But he won’t leave me alone and he knows I want him back.

 

This is such a long story and there’s so much more I think I should say...

 

I have always had a steady good paying job. He has always had a job but he has been a job hopper. Sometimes because he was getting away from a woman that he had been talking to behind my back or other times because he got tired of the job. He would just quit without having something else lined up leaving us in a major financial bind for several weeks.

 

I have always done all housework including taking care of the lawn. I rarely go out. I like family time with the kids and don’t like getting a babysitter every weekend. So he would go out a lot, especially since the motorcycle club started. I paid all of the bills and took care of all if the finances. He refused to even sit down with me so I could explain why we had no extra money. He did give me money towards bills but he made sure he got what he wanted before he gave it to me.

 

Look. I know he sounds bad. But I am not a saint. He tried to talk to me about not being happy and I would just brush it off. He told me every day I was beautiful and sexy and praised me for being a good mom. I rarely did those things for him. He cuddled me every night and I would ignore him or pretend to be asleep. I said some really mean stuff to him when I would get mad about the weight of all the responsibilities on my shoulders. Yes, he cheated many times. I know. I know there is really no excuse for cheating.

 

I love this man and I do want him back. Yes, I know things must change in our relationship on both sides. I am willing to try. He has not said since he left that he wants to come back. He has said "maybe...but not now. Maybe a year or two... But I want to be more than just dealing with the kids. I want to be friends I guess." That’s the usual gist of what he says he wants from me.

 

He now admits to going on one date with this other woman just a week or two ago. He is still denying ever sleeping with her. He says he talks to her every day several times a day and has for quite a while….. But that he still gets more excited to hear from me (for the past couple weeks I have been trying to do the 180 project) I slept with him today and I’m pissed about it. I am mad at myself for being so easily convinced. I know he is lying about not sleeping with her. I have no proof but he swore that they were not talking and I knew they were. At this point I know he is a liar and I should not believe what he says. It just feels so much better to believe those good things than to face the truth.

 

I am feeling down because I know what I need to do. I know I just need to let it go and move on. I need to leave him alone! It is just sooo hard. I miss him soo bad. I obviously have delusions of having a happy little family that we really never were in the first place.

 

I just would like others perspectives and advice on my situation please!

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

Your husband is a douche...my advice? Get a divorce and possibly seek therapy.

[imtooconfused]

Just nervous about his reaction.

 

He hasn't cared about your reaction to anything that he has done, why should you care what his reaction will be to filing for a divorce?