Blase Harris's book

[UnicornGirl]

Blase Harris's book "how to get your lover back" ... has anyone else read it? (for those who don't know of the book, don't judge based on the title, it's really cheesy.) I have been reading it and have found it really helpful so far ... I don't know if his advice is helping me to get him back but it's helping us to be civil and spend time together, and for me to feel less alone and put my own feelings into perspective.

 

just wanted to know if anyone else is reading/has read it and maybe we can discuss.

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah, I'll agree that it's a pretty good little book -- some of the strategies listed within are helpful, and the overall mood of the book is also soothing and placating to read. The way in which he describes events and feelings make you think "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going through right now."

 

I think it's aimed for a different age group than my own though... I think it's aimed for a little older audience. People who have been married already, and are trying to get their spouse back. That's not to say the strategies couldn't work for you, just my two cents.

[Sukotto]

I've been reading Dr Phils Relationship Rescue book and I've found it quite informative, it doesn't cover how to get back together but it's helped me understand where the relationship went wrong and thats something I think I can discuss with my ex now to maybe see if we'd get back together.

 

Though I might try Harris' book if i see it in the shop.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Blah Toolz

Yeah, I'll agree that it's a pretty good little book -- some of the strategies listed within are helpful, and the overall mood of the book is also soothing and placating to read. The way in which he describes events and feelings make you think "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going through right now."

 

Definitely. And it's good to be able to learn WHY the week I spent trying to beg my ex back was ineffective -- you can't argue them back, and even if you could, that would be a relationship based on pity and guilt, not love.

 

Originally posted by Blah Toolz

I think it's aimed for a different age group than my own though... I think it's aimed for a little older audience. People who have been married already, and are trying to get their spouse back. That's not to say the strategies couldn't work for you, just my two cents.

 

Yeah that is the only frustrating thing -- my ex and I never lived together, and most of the case studies in the book are from couples who were living together.

 

I am trying to take the advice about the little gifts, now, though ... I sent my ex a picture I drew for him. That was one of the things he always thought was so special in our relationship -- the stuff I'd draw for him. He's really busy with midterms coming up so we can't see each other too often, so I drew a picture of him surrounded by assignments from his classes, and added in a few sentimental jokes ... wrote that I hoped his classes were going OK, and signed it Love, Me. I emailed it to him, and I tried to make it no pressure. Haven't heard back from him yet, though I'm sure he's checked his email today ... I don't know if he'll write back or even comment on it, which would hurt my feelings, but hopefully it means something to him.

 

I also tried the "loving take-away" thing the other day ... told him I'm always inviting him to do stuff but he seems not to want to, and maybe he'd rather we not see each other right now, and that I understand he might need time away right now. He instantly cut me off saying, "No, you aren't ALWAYS inviting me ... " and "Yes, I want to see you" ... and instantly invited me to do something two weeks from now.

 

I'm also working on not being so critical of him and not seeing stuff he does as "not good enough" -- for instance, I'd like to spend more time together, so when he suggests a short visit, my impulse is to get upset -- but if I'm nice and happy, and make the experience positive, the short time together is marvelous and we're flirting and happy. Also, a few weeks ago I told him that when I said I loved him I meant I cherished him, and he said, "Well, that's not really what I mean. I mean I care about you, and I'm not sure what else." I got really upset, but now I see that I should have seen that as a positive -- he cares about me fundamentally, and it could be more -- but if I push it, and cry, and tell myself that's not good enough, that little spark of "more" will get extinguished so fast he won't even remember it.

 

I almost feel like it's worse to have an ex that DOES want to spend time with you than one who insists on not seeing you anymore -- I feel like the latter is a situation where they're probably just mad and they'll get over it and miss them if you leave them alone with the no contact thing. My ex wanting to see me seems so much harder ... but maybe the grass is just greener on the other side.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Sukotto

I've been reading Dr Phils Relationship Rescue book and I've found it quite informative, it doesn't cover how to get back together but it's helped me understand where the relationship went wrong and thats something I think I can discuss with my ex now to maybe see if we'd get back together.

 

Yeah, it's tough to read stuff like that when you've already broken up. It was like that for me reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" -- I understood that we had misunderstood each other a lot in arguments and in telling each other how we feel. I just kept saying, "Why didn't I read this BEFORE we broke up?!?! It would have fixed everything, but now we have no 'relationship' to work on!!!"

 

But then again, why would I have read those books when we were together? It's only after the breakup that I reached for outside help with my problem ... before that, he had been the one I always went to for help when something was wrong. (Not a good idea, I now realize.)

 

But that's the way it goes. At least this advice will help if and when the reunion occurs, or in a future relationship if the ex won't come back soon enough and you move on. You live, you learn.

 

Sometimes I feel so lucky in all of this -- what an immature, inexperienced woman I would have been had I not had a major breakup with the best friend I've ever had! If all is not lost -- and hey, wait a sec, all is definitely not lost, we're seeing each other occasionally -- our friendship will be that much stronger. And I'm that much stronger now, which is what matters most.

[Heartagram]

I have the book but it doesn't help me too much because we don't live together or have constant enough contact to really even HAVE an argument to diffuse. We don't talk about past issues. The book is soothing to read in some senses, but in the same, I feel it needs a reread for my case. I do have instances where I see my ex but its business and I usually just take the advice of keeping your chin up and coming off strong and in control. I need to try the loving-take away now, in the sense that I should probably stop being out of my way nice to him. I don't know.

 

Somehow this book is useful for understanding what went wrong but at the same time it could make you feel unnecessarily guilty. Most of these how-to-get-your-ex-back books can do that to you because you wish you had known the "secrets" before you broke up with your significant other.

 

Good luck to everyone in their quest for happiness.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Heartagram

I need to try the loving-take away now, in the sense that I should probably stop being out of my way nice to him. I don't know.

 

Somehow this book is useful for understanding what went wrong but at the same time it could make you feel unnecessarily guilty. Most of these how-to-get-your-ex-back books can do that to you because you wish you had known the "secrets" before you broke up with your significant other.

 

Good luck to everyone in their quest for happiness.

 

The ex and I don't talk about past issues either, but I suspect that if we get back together we will, at least a bit. The loving take-away is one of the best things in the book, I think. It's a way to ensure that you don't get taken advantage of, without coming across as demanding. How often do you see your ex? I tried a loving take away the other day and it worked better than I expected -- I suggested that maybe he didn't want to see me anymore since he always seemed so busy, and that I would be fine with that. In response, I got an instant invitation to brunch next weekend.

 

It's true the book can make you feel a bit guilty ... but I try to take it as inspiration rather than guilt. Inspiration that I can get back together with my ex, and it can work. And the idea that resentment and anger only push the person away -- and that even if your arguing them back were to work, it'd be a pretty shaky foundation for a lasting relationship. That takes a lot of guilty weight off of my shoulders -- I had previously felt like I didn't "fight" hard enough to get him back right away.

 

One of my favorite parts of the book is the image of the "pebble in the sand" ... very sweet, exactly how I feel about the ex. I think of the sparkling pebble in the sand every time I start to get resentful or suspicious, and it makes all the difference.

[Heartagram]

I see my ex once every two weeks or so. We talk on the phone at least once a week business related. Sometimes he's hot sometimes he's cold. I can't read him. I asked him just today if it would bother him if I called him to just chat this weekend when he's home and he said "I dunno, do what you want" in an ok way. He wasn't pissed, he was just like, whatever. If it was a month ago it would've been no. I was like...WTF. This guy is so bizarre.

 

It's gonna be hard to take away anything in terms of the loving take-away, since there's not too much to take away. I'd have to start acting like a complete bitch and I don't have that in me.

 

I think I have to take a program of being consistent like the book says and just see what happens. Nothing horrible has happened yet so wahtever. I jsut want to see him alone, outside the band thing. My birthday is in two weeks. I dunno what to do.

 

Thanks for listening though. If you have any more helpful advice it'd be appreciated heh.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Heartagram

My birthday is in two weeks. I dunno what to do.

 

I don't know if you were hoping to do something with him for your birthday, but my advice is: Don't hope for him to do something for/with you, and don't plan to do anything with him. I'd say plan a fun night out with friends. I've been disappointed and embarrassed so many times by counting on spending a particular day or event with my ex.

 

Sometimes people act like they don't care because they're feeling numb. It's just a stage, though, and one way people deal with disappointment/anger/grief/etc. I'd say act very pleasant and happy when you have contact with the ex, but don't expect anything from him during this phase. Consistency is a good idea. Be consistently pleasant and upbeat. And it doesn't hurt to look nice and happy if you happen to see him.

 

How long were you together? Sorry if you posted it elsewhere... maybe link me to it if you did

[Heartagram]

We went out for a year and 9 months. but with some of the courting it was pretty much two years. We knew each other for a few years before that too. That's why it's so tough, because we were really a part of each others lives in one way or another.

 

I'm gonna be going out for my birthday already all weekend long with people because its Halloween. But doing something around that time with my ex would've been fun. Oh well.

 

I'm just gonna continue with the smile on my face, that's it. Le sigh...I'll see him Wednesday I think. I hate planning strategies just to keep my cool.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Heartagram

We went out for a year and 9 months. but with some of the courting it was pretty much two years. We knew each other for a few years before that too. That's why it's so tough, because we were really a part of each others lives in one way or another.

 

same with my ex and I. we were together a few days shy of 3.5 years, but have known each other but had a friendship/courtship beginning about a year before we got together. I was feeling so good today but now for some reason I am grieving so badly ... it's just the worst feeling to fear that I can never have this person who was always there for me, always my best friend, always in love with me and always there for me to be gone. I'm so afraid we won't be able to get back to the closeness we had just six weeks ago -- I'm really praying that this will somehow bring us closer when we get back together. we had built such a life together, planned to marry, everything ... it's so hard to be patient. that's one of the things the book really helps me with. I know I can't throw this feeling I have for him away, it's too strong ... for now, we're being friends and hanging out and talking once a week, but hopefully that can grow back to what it was with time and healing.

 

I'm gonna be going out for my birthday already all weekend long with people because its Halloween. But doing something around that time with my ex would've been fun. Oh well.

 

well have a good birthday. having a plan is good. it may have been fun to do something with him, but perhaps it's better for the long term of the relationship to not spend that time together. I'm dying to ask my ex to come back from his fall break a few days early to stay with me, but I can't let myself say it -- I'm afraid of rejection and I'm afraid of trying to be together and close again too soon. That could ruin everything. So I think it helps to think of the long term as your main priority rather than, "I'm absolutely dying to see him this weekend, I have to give in and invite him" or next week, or any prime opportunity for you to spend time together. It's better to let it flow.

 

I'm just gonna continue with the smile on my face, that's it. Le sigh...I'll see him Wednesday I think. I hate planning strategies just to keep my cool.

 

this experience, which I believe we all have to go through at some point to form valuable relationships, is really, really tough. if a strategy is what it takes to keep your cool, go with it, even though it's kind of unnatural. keep smiling.

[Heartagram]

You sound like a really smart, well put togther girl. I hope everything works out for you. I think you've got a good start in that you are able to hang out with your ex every week and it having nothing to do with business, which is what it is in my case. There is a certain closeness missing there. But hey, I could be in a situation where I don't see him at all.

 

It's going to be really tough to refrain from asking to hang out with him for my birthday but it's looking like time wise for me even it couldn't happen so it will not be too bad.

 

I don't know what else to say. I have good days and bad just like you do I'm sure. I guess all we can do is keep typing and maybe just maybe we'll start to feel completely better one day. There's always that hope.

[Sukotto]

Got the book this morning from amazon. I'm going to read it tonight and probably tomorrow and I'll see how it compares to Dr Phils book

[happythoughts]

Hello,

 

Just wondered if you could help me. i've never read the book but I've heard lots about it.

 

The situation with my ex is that we broke up six months ago after he spent ages deciding what to do - loved me/not 100% about commitment/needed to be alone/had lots of other stuff going on at the time.

 

Since then, we've had contact every few weeks - mostly initiated by me but which he's generally responded to. He's also sent a few texts saying nice things.

 

We''ve seen each other four times and I've always been happy and upbeat, looked great, he's complimented me etc.

 

my problem is that 1) I feel I need closure and a 'conversation'. Bad idea?

 

2) He welcomes the contact but then it's like I go 'a bit too overboard'. We have a good lunch or chat and then I find myself contacting him with a text or something a few days later, to which he doesn't respond (like he wants the distance or something). leave it another week or two and he's fine.

 

The situation now is that I invited him out for dinner last week and told him to give me a call (sounded upbeat and happy, said to him don't worry if you're too snowed under with stuff). No response.

 

I don't want to call him again. What should I do? Are there any tips in the book that would help?

[Sukotto]

It doesn't sound like he's interested or he has other issues that he needs to resolve if he's just ignoring you, be persistant but dont get into the stalker category. Maybe send him an email asking if he wants to go to the cinema or even down to the pub. Dinner might seem too much like a date to him.

 

I've now read the book and I found that it basically convinced you to do the following

• Make sure your relax and calm, being angry wont get you anywhere
  
• Ensure that you really do still love your ex-partner and there was love at some point
  
• If you want your lover back make sure its for the right reason, not to save a bruised ego or to help you prepare for the inevitable
  
• Your needs should take 1st priority over recovering a relationship
  
• Don't neglect work, friends or any other social activities by thinking of your ex
  
• Agree to yourself to love your ex 100%
  
• Dont let jealously take control, dont insisit or force anything. Guilt and pity are not to be used
  
• Think of the good moments and the bad moments with your ex, it should be balanced
  
• Get time together with them, dont demand, beg or cry to get it. It has to be voluntary. If refused then just give it some time and try again
  
• Make all encounters pleasant ones so you leave a loving impression
  
• Dont get into arguements, just defuse them. Disagree with the appropriate parts of the arguement but also agree with the bits you agree with. A nice way to take the wind out of their sails.
  
• Once you've had enough of the pleasant encounters you should be in the position to do a love take-away, this doesn't mean no contact but seeing them less. A gentle way of forcing a decision.
  
• If you get your parner back dont become complacent and dont act like you "won", they could see this as manipulation even when it wasn't and you could be back to square one.
  

 

I'll see about getting some bullet points from Dr Phils book later and then I'll merge them into one super advice post.

[UnicornGirl]

while we're talking about advice books, may i suggest everyone read the section on "points" in "women are from mars, men are from venus."

 

it is so helpful and wonderful in that not only does it make you REALIZE why certain things you and your ex did caused problems or issues in the past, but it also serves as a great GUIDE to communication with an ex, in my opinion.

 

For instance, the book states that guys give "points" when they make a mistake and a woman forgives him graciously and trustingly.

 

My ex was supposed to meet me for breakfast this morning, but was up until 3 am trying to finish a take-home exam and feel asleep at his desk. So he hadn't even finished the exam yet and decided he couldn't make the drive to see me and the subsequent drive home today. He called me around 11 (he was supposed to be here at 9:30) and his voice sounded like he was delivering bad news from the start. I had already assumed something came up so I just said, "Oh, that's fine! I wouldn't want you to drive all the way home on no sleep." He said he would have told me last night but he "didn't think I would have liked that very much." I said, "Really? You thought I'd be mad?! Of course not!"

 

So, instead of showing my disappointment and sad feelings of being stood up this morning, I just smiled it off. And you know what? I didn't feel upset or stood up anymore when I adopted this attitude, and so my words were honest and sounded genuine to him.

 

Now, I have no idea if this is the truth, or an elaborate lie to spend another night with his new lover that I don't yet know about. I don't know if he really wanted to come see me at all. But by pushing away those worries and instead forgiving him, he seemed surprised and happy that our conversation went this well and --- here's the kicker -- began asking what time my classes were tomorrow so he could come see me in between them and take me out to lunch!

 

I told him that it was really nice of him to still come see me tomorrow, and he said "I'm happy to." I then said I'd be really happy to see him, and he seemed to enjoy that.

 

The book has tons of pointers on how women and men give "points" to their significant other and I can vouch for the female side -- it's entirely true -- and I can even vouch for the male side because it all applied to the way my guy behaves. I think it's a great book, it really shows you how to play the game of a relationship in a POSITIVE way, not in a typical game-playing way ... it shows you that loving someone really is an active choice and positive ways to keep the love alive.

 

I'd put it in the category of these other books as one that's really helpful to those of us seeking to begin anew with those special exes.

[Trini Angel]

I just finished reading the book. I thought it was okay. But I was a bit sceptical in believing the stories he wrote about. Especially Matt and Inge. You see, its so easy to make up fictional romance stories. People know that we are in a depressing state, and that is what sells. I may be wrong.

 

Overall the book was good, I think its worth rereading.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Trini Angel

I just finished reading the book. I thought it was okay. But I was a bit sceptical in believing the stories he wrote about. Especially Matt and Inge. You see, its so easy to make up fictional romance stories. People know that we are in a depressing state, and that is what sells. I may be wrong.

 

Overall the book was good, I think its worth rereading.

 

The Matt and Inge I have seen in real life several times, though ... even though it sounds sketchy. Except the Matts I saw screwed things over by insulting the girl by loving her the way she needs him to only after she leaves.

 

I was skeptical when I first read it too, but then I re-read and underlined parts that applied to me. I think when you personalize it, you get more out of it. For instance, one of the most important concepts I found in the Matt/Inge story was that you don't want the ex to do you a favor by spending time with you ... you want them to want to spend time with you. Little things you do can make the difference between the two. And the small sentimental gift-giving on a regular basis has revved things up between my ex and I.

 

The book has also really helped me understand resentment and why I feel it and what it does ... that's an issue I needed help with BEFORE this relationship ... and I find the loveshack a great place to discuss what we're reading, getting help with in counseling and from friends, etc. I wish everyone the best of luck and I encourage you to fight for a YOU you love and for the man or woman that you love. Best wishes

[renouf]

I just bought the book just now! I can't wait to start reading it. I'm going to read it right now. yay.