I pushed her into the arms of another. Am I wrong for hoping I can show her I changed

[RandyS]

My ex-girlfriend just moved out a little over a month ago. At first I was convinced she was a hoe but now I see it differently. First let me start with how it ended then I can make you understand better. Me and her were cooking breakfast together one day when I checked the messages on the answering machine. The first message was from an old friend of her's. He was a friend of the family and last I had heard he was married and lived 1000 miles away, plus she had never given me reason to not trust her before, so I didn't think much of it.

 

A few days later she was very cold to me when she picked me up from work. I asked what was wrong and tried to dig but she just would not open up. In my infinite stupidity, I started packing her things up. Not because I wanted her to leave but because I thought she would realize that it wasn't a game and be serious. Anyway, I was about half done when I realized what I was doing and stopped. I went to her in bed and apologized but she didn't want to listen. I spent the night on the couch.

 

The next morning we both seemed remorseful and we talked about what had happened, but then I had to go to work. I was longer than I expected and I had her car, which was not abnormal, so when I got home she blew up at me and said she was leaving without telling me where she was going, which is something that neither of us had ever done. I knew something was wrong and tried to get it out of her by saying that if we didn't sit down and talk right then that it was over(again I was stupid). Anyway it didn't work and we decided to break it off amicably.She had to move to NC if it was over so I said she could stay there until her plans were worked out. She came home later and we cried in each other's arms but left it the way it was. Again I slept on the couch.

 

When she got home from work the next day we talked and decided to work it out and got intimate and everything. She then told me that her and her girlfriend had decided to go to the beach for the weekend. I figured okay she just needs some time to herself. We spent the week together like we were really working things out. I even put a new cd player and radar detector in her car between then and the weekend, which she let me put in even though she knew what was happening.Well, when the weekend came things got really weird. I tried to call her on Sat. and she wouldn't answer so I started to get really suspicious because that kind of thing never happened.I called her like 50 times that weekend(again stupid).When I finally talked to her she said I had "pushed her away" and she didn't think we should try anymore.Don't forget that two weeks before I thought all was OK.

 

Later I found out that she was at the beach with that man who called. He had gotten a divorce and wanted to know if she was happy. I was right to be suspicious and she had made me feel terrible so I got really righteous and threw her stuff out in the driveway and told her to get out.

 

Now I realize that it was my fault because she wasn't really happy, even though she never sat me down and "Really" got my attention.She had said stuff before but it was in a casual way so I had never really taken it seriously. Come to find out, she thought she had told me how it was and I had simply not cared.

 

Now that I think back, I had "kicked her out" like 8-10 times in a year and a half.Which really only consisted of her getting real cocky and me thinking I could knock her out of it by making her think it was over and then I would later apologize. It usually worked. The point is that all this stuff I did is eating at me now.I pressured her for sex and everything. Now that I look back I feel she was an angel(which I knew isn't really true) and I was the devil.I kept promising to get a car but I never did, mostly because I liked sharing and doing everything together.I never explained that to her though. I did lots of stuff to warrant her leaving. I have a feeling she will go into this next relationship feeling she is always right and drive him off.

 

I have talked to her once since she moved 1000 miles away. She lives with her mom and says she isn't seeing anyone but I get a feeling it isn't true. Her friends go out of their way to make me feel terrible. I really have changed. I never realized the things I did to her until i found out what it is like to be without her. I will never act so immature again, whether with her or any other girl.The thing is that I don't want anybody else. Am I wrong for hoping that maybe one day I will get a chance to prove I am different? Her dad still lives here so she will be in town every now and then i imagine.

[Weird]

seems like there were some issues on both sides that came from some immaturity in handling things. Yes, BOTH of you dealt poorly with things. She should ahve implied that her concerns were serious rather than tell them to you in a joking sort of way. Also, she should have told you things were basically done (sounds like that was a fair amount before the official breakup) when she was pretty certain rather than stick around and just put in a half-assed effort.

 

I think you do deserve a chance to prove you have grown up but whether you get it or not remains to be seen. It is all up to her and if she is willing to give you that chance and forigve you for past screw ups. All I know is you should let her figure that out and not try and press her to see that you can/have changed...and if you do get the seocnd chance, make sure you two are open and don't fall into the same pattern and set some ground rules of how you guys plan to handle any rough areas that will pop up.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by RandyS

I have talked to her once since she moved 1000 miles away. She lives with her mom and says she isn't seeing anyone but I get a feeling it isn't true. Her friends go out of their way to make me feel terrible. I really have changed. I never realized the things I did to her until i found out what it is like to be without her. I will never act so immature again, whether with her or any other girl.The thing is that I don't want anybody else. Am I wrong for hoping that maybe one day I will get a chance to prove I am different? Her dad still lives here so she will be in town every now and then i imagine.

 

It doesn't look hopeful, I'm sorry to say.

 

A bad break-up is difficult to redeem yourself from to begin with. Adding in the long-distance factor diminishes your already miniscule chances.

 

It was a costly mistake, so make it a learning experience. In a future relationship, that is.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

No offense, but if a guy tried to threaten to put me out every time I didn't do what he wanted me to do, when I finally leave he'd better NOT try to come back. I'm sorry I just don't like ultimatum type behavior at all. To me, there is nothing worse than someone who tries to do things to you because you aren't doing what they want you to do. Oh, and I don't really like too much possessiveness either, that calling 50times would've made me think that you are crazy and would have further justified my doing WHATEVER it was that I was doing.

 

...But that's me, and thats how I am. But since I am an optimist to all things romantic, I'd say that you definitely need to give her some major space, and see whether you really want to try to work it out since she is long distance now. But I honestly don't think that she should come back to live with you if you two do work it out, unless you both learn to communicate w/o threatening each others belongings etc. The best thing that you two could do is for her to be independant for you both to get YOUR OWN things and see what happens. But you need to stop with the stalker/crazy approach because it's creepy. Oh, and stop asking and her is she dating someone else because that just makes you look all the more possessive and crazy.

[RandyS]

I messed up in the past and can't fix it but aren't you supposed to fight for someone you truly love? I don't like all the mind game stuff that is on this site. I think I did the right thing by telling her how I feel. Now I can move on and know that I at least made the effort.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Well Randy, I agree I don't like the mind games, because sometimes NC would make me move on and not contact a person instead of giving them what they wanted which is for me to contact them. But I do think that you should say whatever it is that you need to to move on, but I also think that if you want(ed) her back then because of your past behavior the best thing for you to do would be to give her space, so that if enough time went by she can see that you genuinely changed. But I also think that you need to use this experience to learn to communicate better with anyone you may have in the future because the "do what I say, or what I want, when I want to or else" thing doesn't work.