What's your take on this?

[reardear]

My girlfriend and I are in our mid-20s and we've been together for about 3 years.

 

She's always been the "serious" type - always discussing love/romance, marriage, dreaming about it, talking about growing old together, etc. and she does a lot for me. She's always making cards, paintings, things like albums, putting up stars on my ceiling that says "I <3 U", etc. She wakes up early every weekday morning to come see me (1.5 hour commute each way) even if just for 2 hours, and then heads to school the other way (~2 hours). She's also extremely emotional and cries very easily.

 

Anyways, I found out that she cheated on me a few days before our anniversary. She told a few people, and one of them, her friend, thought I deserved to know and told me about a week after (girlfriend later told me she just wasn't ready to tell me).

 

Here's some additional details:

• She wanted to be in a relationship with him maybe half a year before she was with me but he said no
  
• They haven't seen each other since then
  
• He's in a relationship
  
• He thought she was single because she said we broke up on a different day (which wasn't true - she said she said that because we were arguing)
  
• Her period just ended (she said there was dried blood on her underwear after)
  
• They saw each other twice: first time was when they cheated (I was unaware they saw each other) and the second time I knew they saw each other.
  
• Didn't want to tell me what happened because she didn't want to hurt me
  
• She told her friend and promised herself that she would kill herself if I was told (she was being suicidal for a few days, very scary)
  

 

After I found out, I didn't confront her at first to see if she would admit it. So I just kept asking about him and if they did anything, and she didn't admit it. She just kept crying and denying, and when I saw her personally, I told her I knew. Here's what happened and her explanations:

 

Incident 1: He invited her to a house "facial (cosmetics) party" with other people. Afterwards, they decided to see a movie together, but theatres were closed, and so he took her home. They talked for a few hours instead before she went in. What happened was she took his car keys for fun, and then he offered his body for it back (joke? not sure, he jokes/flirts a lot). She then asked for a kiss, and he had to think about it while saying he couldn't cheat. In the end, he pulled her in and they made out passionately for what she said was a long time. He then told her to give him a blowjob, and she did, and afterwards she offered to go on top and have a 2-min quickie. This was all until about 2:30am, which was super late for her. We usually talk every night, and she told me she was fighting with her mom.

 

Incident 1 Explanation:

• She didn't tell me she was going with him because I would start saying stuff about her liking him
  
• She really enjoyed talking to him and said she liked him that day
  
• She said she never wanted to be in a relationship with him except the time a few years ago
  
• Really doesn't know why she did it, even after he mentioned cheating
  
• She said he doesn't know why he did it either
  
• Wasn't thinking during the time: didn't feel guilty or even think of me/think it was cheating
  
• She said it was a short infatuation
  
• They both apologized afterwards
  
• She told her cousin and friend about what she did
  

 

Incident 2: He invited her to a conference/meeting type thing about a week later. They don't work together, it's a business thing she can join if she wants to (he was trying to recruit her). She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

Incident 2 Explanation:

• She said she didn't like him anymore after the first incident and was just confused...
  
• The kiss was to see how he feels and find out how she feels
  
• He didn't react to the kiss
  
• I asked if she would've kept going if he did kiss (whether or not she had feelings) and she said yes, because she wouldn't know how to stop
  

 

I know most people would've been done but I decided to give her a second chance. I also think we've gotten a bit stronger afterwards. I'm trying to pay more attention to her and keep her closer. However she does get very upset whenever I try to talk about it. She's cut off contact with him (well, he tried to contact her but she ignores him) as well. I really do think she's sorry, but I'd like to see what you guys think about this. What would you guys do?

Edited June 20, 2013 by reardear

[drifter777]

Giving a "girlfriend" like her a second chance is simply not rational. God knows how many more times she has cheated - you certainly will never know.

 

She's not worth the agony you are going to go through trying to get the picture of her blowing him out of your mind. She's not worth the drama that's going to occur every time she goes out with the girls or is late home from work or wondering if they got it on during a lunch break. You aren't married, why would you want to put yourself through all of this pain? It's not worth it so walk away now before you catch her again and wish you would have dumped her already.

[Keke1]

Giving a "girlfriend" like her a second chance is simply not rational. God knows how many more times she has cheated - you certainly will never know.

 

She's not worth the agony you are going to go through trying to get the picture of her blowing him out of your mind. She's not worth the drama that's going to occur every time she goes out with the girls or is late home from work or wondering if they got it on during a lunch break. You aren't married, why would you want to put yourself through all of this pain? It's not worth it so walk away now before you catch her again and wish you would have dumped her already.

 

Please listen to this and save yourself from agony now. I really wish you would.

[CC12]

However she does get very upset whenever I try to talk about it.

 

Since you decided to give her a second chance, I think you pretty much have to stop bringing it up. Your relationship is not going to work if you keep rehashing it. You need closure on this and you need to move past it. You can come up with your own way of closing this but here is what I would suggest:

 

Take a couple of days to think about all the questions you have and the things you want to say (write them down, even) then ask her to sit down with you one last time and get it all out in one go.

 

I hate to say it like this, but ultimately you just have to get over it. When you agree to stay with someone, I think that also means you have to forgive them completely and move on. If you can't forgive them, the relationship isn't going to work.

[Simon Phoenix]

I would have dumped her on the spot. Cheating is awful. You basically are giving her free reign to do this again. I mean, she slept with him, then she goes to meet him and kiss him again? Dude, don't be a cuckold.

 

And before manhater ang86 says anything, I'd say the exact same thing if the situation was reversed. Cheating is despicable no matter the gender.

[reardear]

Giving a "girlfriend" like her a second chance is simply not rational. God knows how many more times she has cheated - you certainly will never know.

 

She's not worth the agony you are going to go through trying to get the picture of her blowing him out of your mind. She's not worth the drama that's going to occur every time she goes out with the girls or is late home from work or wondering if they got it on during a lunch break. You aren't married, why would you want to put yourself through all of this pain? It's not worth it so walk away now before you catch her again and wish you would have dumped her already.

What would I say if I said I already forgave her? She doesn't really see other people. Usually she sees me then goes to school then home except that one night (we FaceTime every night, that was the first time we didn't).

 

 

Since you decided to give her a second chance, I think you pretty much have to stop bringing it up. Your relationship is not going to work if you keep rehashing it. You need closure on this and you need to move past it. You can come up with your own way of closing this but here is what I would suggest:

 

Take a couple of days to think about all the questions you have and the things you want to say (write them down, even) then ask her to sit down with you one last time and get it all out in one go.

 

I hate to say it like this, but ultimately you just have to get over it. When you agree to stay with someone, I think that also means you have to forgive them completely and move on. If you can't forgive them, the relationship isn't going to work.

Yeah I asked her to write an email today with every detail of what happened and she sent it. That was what I wanted from bringing it up. I've gotten over it, just needed to "know everything".

[CC12]

Yeah I asked her to write an email today with every detail of what happened and she sent it. That was what I wanted from bringing it up. I've gotten over it, just needed to "know everything".

 

So do you feel you're ready to stop bringing it up now?

 

Do you forgive her?

[umirano]

You're like my friend, dissecting everything and approaching the whole issue from a very technical viewpoint. Just answer this question for you:

 

Can you forgive her? Do you have any reason to believe she will reform?

 

Personally I'd ditch her and bail big time. She seems very immature and like she has no control over her emotions. How the hell are you going through really hard time with her when you form a life? Like unemployment, sick children or the like. Kiss her good bye, seriously.

[Madman81]

I would end it. You only found out because her friend had the decency to tell you something you had the right to know, i.e. your GF didn't. She willingly exposed you to STDs. She went behind your back to see him. (She didn't tell you because she knew you'd go on about her "liking him"? Well, surprise surprise... you'd have been right.) Given all of this, I'd be willing to bet that there's more to this than she's admitted to. All this to me adds up to an irretrievably broken and poisoned relationship.

 

It sucks, no doubt about it. But you're only in your mid-20s. You don't live with her or have kids with her. You can make a clean break and start fresh. I'd be willing to bet that, if you don't, you'll regret it down the road. Get out now while it's (relatively) easy.

[Chi townD]

I find it interesting the men in this forum say "giving a woman another chance is not rational" yet respond to reverse situations with more sympathy towards the guy. The woman cheaters in this forum are treated much more harshly due to all the men responding.

 

Selfishness for the win for the men here.

 

 

Huh? Really? I believe there's no gender bias when it comes to cheating. I believe cheaters are treated equally here.....with distain!

[Chi townD]

Look, she had no intention of telling you. Which isn't fair to you, because she's putting your health at risk. without letting you know that she was with someone else. That's not cool.

 

I wouldn't fully trust what she's told you. Without concrete proof, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum of what happened to make it seem not as bad as what truely happened. And I'm already not buying what she's selling you because what GUY throws a Facial Party? Really?

 

The Stanley Cup finals and the NBA Championship games are going on (not the NBA anymore) and this GUY throws a Facial Party?....uh huh....right.

[drifter777]

I find it interesting the men in this forum say "giving a woman another chance is not rational" yet respond to reverse situations with more sympathy towards the guy. The woman cheaters in this forum are treated much more harshly due to all the men responding.

 

Selfishness for the win for the men here.

 

This is simply not true, the door always swings both ways here. Do some research on the Infidelity forum and you will stop being so sexist on this subject.

[drifter777]

What would I say if I said I already forgave her? She doesn't really see other people. Usually she sees me then goes to school then home except that one night (we FaceTime every night, that was the first time we didn't).

That's my point - you haven't forgiven her you are just trying to excuse what she did for some reason. That reason is likely fear - the strongest motivator I know of - and you really should examine you're feelings here. Also, in your original post you have everything arranged so neatly (like chapters) it kind of shows you are all in your head about this and are generally blocking your emotional response.

 

Look, you want to stay with her then do it. It won't last but, hey, how many relationships really do last? Just prepare yourself to find out more nasty details about her and this guy and also know that she will cheat again. You asked for advice and are ignoring most of it - it makes me wonder what more you are looking for?

[Darren Steez]

Wasn't going to tell you...

The worst kind of blackmail (threatening to kill herself)...

 

No gender bias here, this is a wrong un. Thing is this seems planned.

 

She lied about breaking up with you so she could sleep with him. In her mind that was the justification she needed to shove aside thoughts of you so she could do the deed.

 

Thing is buddy, you'll never totally trust her again, I mean look at what you said.."I'm trying to pay her more attention etc.." I mean that's her prize? She cheats and she gets to have more attention from you like you did something wrong in the first place?

 

This is essentially a long distance relationship so when you're apart you'll never know what she's up to...this guy is already tapping her up for seconds..how long before you're all comfortable again before she decides to go back for hers?

[Keenly]

I find it interesting the men in this forum say "giving a woman another chance is not rational" yet respond to reverse situations with more sympathy towards the guy. The woman cheaters in this forum are treated much more harshly due to all the men responding.

 

Selfishness for the win for the men here.

 

You have to be one of the most bitter women on this forum. Its like the month time I've seen you trying to pull double standards out of thin air.

 

 

Every time I've seen you throw this "oh its okay of men do it but women can't" BS is when its NOT okay for either party to do it. Stop putting words in men's mouths . We get it. You are angry and bitter. Stop blaming men for your problems. They are YOUR PROBLEMS.

 

 

OP. I hate to be blunt, but you are an idiot if you let this slide.

 

I would have left as soon as I heard about her saying you had broken up, even though you hadn't. That shows how much respect she has for you, and the relationship. Ditch her. That's some bull crap.

[Keenly]

Do you really want to kiss the lips that were just wrapped around another mans cock? Yeah, I'll pass on that one.

[reardear]

That's my point - you haven't forgiven her you are just trying to excuse what she did for some reason. That reason is likely fear - the strongest motivator I know of - and you really should examine you're feelings here. Also, in your original post you have everything arranged so neatly (like chapters) it kind of shows you are all in your head about this and are generally blocking your emotional response.

 

Look, you want to stay with her then do it. It won't last but, hey, how many relationships really do last? Just prepare yourself to find out more nasty details about her and this guy and also know that she will cheat again. You asked for advice and are ignoring most of it - it makes me wonder what more you are looking for?

I laid everything out neatly to see what people think about me giving her a second chance. Since I already did so, how should I go about "taking it back"?

 

The "facial party" was part of his work, basically to try some products. As a girl, she's into cosmetics and wanted to test them and bring samples home. Knowing she blew another guy, I'm fine with that, because many girls could have done that in a previous relationship. It's just about getting over it (I didn't really think of that "image" anyway).

 

So I guess most people are suggesting I end it now, but how would I do it after telling her I've forgiven her?

[Simon Phoenix]

I laid everything out neatly to see what people think about me giving her a second chance. Since I already did so, how should I go about "taking it back"?

 

The "facial party" was part of his work, basically to try some products. As a girl, she's into cosmetics and wanted to test them and bring samples home. Knowing she blew another guy, I'm fine with that, because many girls could have done that in a previous relationship. It's just about getting over it (I didn't really think of that "image" anyway).

 

So I guess most people are suggesting I end it now, but how would I do it after telling her I've forgiven her?

 

Easy, say "it's over". You don't need to justify it -- she's the one that was screwing around on you.

[CC12]

So I guess most people are suggesting I end it now, but how would I do it after telling her I've forgiven her?

 

If you want to break up with her, you tell her, "I've been thinking about it more, and I think it was premature of me to say I forgave you. I don't think I can be in a relationship with you anymore. Bye."

 

You're not stuck with her forever just because you forgave her. You can forgive her and still not want to be with her.

[gateway865]

Read the post and MAN!!! I understand what your going through and it sucks. For me I am all for giving a person a second chances..we all are human, everyone makes mistakes, and nothing is perfect.

 

Well for starters even and 1 hour to 2 hour drives to spend time with each other is quite a bit difficult to really spend alot of "quality" time together. My opinion is that her having sex or doing anything sexual with another person is no accident...Male or Female... she knew what she was doing...knew that it could ruin her relationship with you but insisted on going through with it anyway. Well yes it hurts and i am not sure if she was hurting because she is guilty or because you found out. I will say this...it was going to happen again if this other guy wanted it to. She kissed him and wanted to know his response to how he felt. She even admitted that he would of went for it she don't think she would of stopped him.

 

 

My man that is very disrespectful to a relationship no matter how you put it. This is no accident. Since you took her back just have to learn to get over what happened. YOU CAN'T keep bringing it up. That just causes more problems ( trust me ). What it comes down to is she just isn't ready for a committed relationship. If you can handle that and wait til she is ready to be right then wish you the best of luck.

[Star Gazer]

Do you really want to kiss the lips that were just wrapped around another mans cock? Yeah, I'll pass on that one.

 

Unless you date a virgin, that will always be the case.

 

That said, OP: I can't beleive you even bothered to present this case to the LS jury. She pled guilty. The only remaining issue before the court is sentencing. She should be swifty sentenced to a life without you in it.

 

Court's adjourned.

[therhythm]

I know most people would've been done but I decided to give her a second chance. I also think we've gotten a bit stronger afterwards. I'm trying to pay more attention to her and keep her closer. However she does get very upset whenever I try to talk about it. She's cut off contact with him (well, he tried to contact her but she ignores him) as well. I really do think she's sorry, but I'd like to see what you guys think about this. What would you guys do?

 

Doormat license acquired!

[aliveagain]

The issue shouldn't be about what she and OM did or didn't do to each other(unless she did things with him she doesn't do with you), the issue is about her breech of your trust. She knows right from wrong, she gave him everything freely. When two people are in an exclusive relationship, one of them shouldn't still be dating. How can you ever feel safe with someone that you can't trust around other men? How will you ever feel safe regarding the paternity of your future children if she doesn't respect your boundaries? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to police? My opinions to you would be a lot different if she had told you about her infidelity herself but she lied and you had to find out by other means. She doesn't sound remorseful, she sounds sorry that she got caught. The decision is yours to make, do you think you can feel safe with her? Words mean s**t from a cheater, it's her actions that you can believe. You now know that if the opportunity arises this girl is willing to act on it, not saying she will but she is very capable, she has already proven that to you.

[reardear]

Hello, thanks for the comments.

 

I took a few days to kind of think about the situation. I know it's easy to simply suggest dumping someone. But it's difficult to know what someone is like when you can't really describe or show it on the internet. If I really didn't think things would work out with her I truly wouldn't stick. I know she's very remorseful. She's also explained her feelings and everything that happened and I can understand it. We've moved past what she's done and so far things have been going wonderfully.

 

Feel free to call me what you will, but I'm going to stick with what I believe.

 

Atheist: She stopped talking about suicide on her own, I guess it was just when I first confronted her she felt that way. They're not friends anymore. I'll leave the OM (other man/male I'm assuming?) and his girlfriend alone. Apparently she's cheated on him before =\. The gf said she did intend to tell me but wasn't ready to yet. The friend she told is known to have a huge mouth, and she knew I knew as I was being so obvious, but couldn't tell me because of the enormous pressure I was giving her while "interrogating" her (wanted to tell me herself she said..)

[hoping2heal]

Anyways, I found out that she cheated on me a few days before our anniversary. She told a few people, and one of them, her friend, thought I deserved to know and told me about a week after (girlfriend later told me she just wasn't ready to tell me).

 

• She told her friend and promised herself that she would kill herself if I was told (she was being suicidal for a few days, very scary)
  

So, in other words she's not afraid to manipulate her friends into keeping her secrets.

 

 

Incident 1: He invited her to a house "facial (cosmetics) party" with other people. Afterwards, they decided to see a movie together, but theatres were closed, and so he took her home. They talked for a few hours instead before she went in. What happened was she took his car keys for fun, and then he offered his body for it back (joke? not sure, he jokes/flirts a lot). She then asked for a kiss, and he had to think about it while saying he couldn't cheat. In the end, he pulled her in and they made out passionately for what she said was a long time. He then told her to give him a blowjob, and she did, and afterwards she offered to go on top and have a 2-min quickie. This was all until about 2:30am, which was super late for her. We usually talk every night, and she told me she was fighting with her mom.

 

 

• She said it was a short infatuation
  

Well, if for her a short infatuation involves a blowjob and an invitation for sex, then I'd hate to think what she'd do when she really likes someone. I think probably the only thing short about it is that he had a girlfriend and didn't want to date her. Apparently, he didn't want to date her the year before either whether he had a girlfriend or not. This is probably where the short infatuation term comes from. If he had said he wanted to date her and be in a relationship with her then you would most likely be put out to pasture. I don't doubt she'd feel badly for doing that to you but it doesn't change the outcome. She had the chance to act on something she felt for awhile so she did it.

 

Incident 2: He invited her to a conference/meeting type thing about a week later. They don't work together, it's a business thing she can join if she wants to (he was trying to recruit her). She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

 

Incident 2 Explanation:

• She said she didn't like him anymore after the first incident and was just confused...
  
• The kiss was to see how he feels and find out how she feels
  

The thing is you don't need to kiss someone and see how you feel when you already know you don't like them. She's talking out of both sides of her mouth because she's not able to keep her lies straight.

 

 

However she does get very upset whenever I try to talk about it.

 

In other words, she's not ready to accept responsibility for what she did to you. She would much rather sweep her actions under the rug and act like they didn't happen because that is what is easier for her. I realize she has done some nice things for you and she's not all bad news but the problem is what nice things she does does not change the fact that she's just too immature for a serious relationship right now.

Edited June 25, 2013 by hoping2heal