What's your take on this?

[hoping2heal]

Hello, thanks for the comments.

 

I took a few days to kind of think about the situation. I know it's easy to simply suggest dumping someone. But it's difficult to know what someone is like when you can't really describe or show it on the internet. If I really didn't think things would work out with her I truly wouldn't stick. I know she's very remorseful. She's also explained her feelings and everything that happened and I can understand it. We've moved past what she's done and so far things have been going wonderfully.

 

Feel free to call me what you will, but I'm going to stick with what I believe.

 

Are you familiar with the expression "Can't see the forest through the trees?" I think the reason websites like LS are so helpful is because we inherently have a bias towards the people we care about. You can't tell how fast the merry ground is spinning when you're standing directly in the center. People who aren't going to be swayed by their emotional investment are able to offer more objective advice to us (in this case you) than we are capable of ourselves.

 

There is more to any one person or there relationship than just what it is written about them in a post, you're correct and this is true. Sometimes, not having that multi-dimensional view of a person makes it hard to give good advice. In other cases, it is pretty clear from a person's behavior that what they're doing is a dealbreaker.

 

Everyone must determine what their own personal dealbreakers are. People want the best for you and they just don't want to see you get hurt.

 

Atheist: She stopped talking about suicide on her own, I guess it was just when I first confronted her she felt that way. They're not friends anymore. I'll leave the OM (other man/male I'm assuming?) and his girlfriend alone. Apparently she's cheated on him before =\. The gf said she did intend to tell me but wasn't ready to yet. The friend she told is known to have a huge mouth, and she knew I knew as I was being so obvious, but couldn't tell me because of the enormous pressure I was giving her while "interrogating" her (wanted to tell me herself she said..)

 

You seem to be rushing to your girlfriend's defense. Big mouth or not, don't you think it's good that she told you? I doubt you would have ever found out if not. It's odd that she told someone who is known to have a big mouth, yet she didn't want you finding out through anyone but her telling you herself. Obviously, you're going to sit with it as you will but you seem to be in a bit of denial about the whole situation.

[reardear]

So, in other words she's not afraid to manipulate her friends into keeping her secrets.

 

Well, if for her a short infatuation involves a blowjob and an invitation for sex, then I'd hate to think what she'd do when she really likes someone. I think probably the only thing short about it is that he had a girlfriend and didn't want to date her. Apparently, he didn't want to date her the year before either whether he had a girlfriend or not. This is probably where the short infatuation term comes from. If he had said he wanted to date her and be in a relationship with her then you would most likely be put out to pasture. I don't doubt she'd feel badly for doing that to you but it doesn't change the outcome. She had the chance to act on something she felt for awhile so she did it.

Yup, probably. It was a few years ago and funny enough I was one of the people that encouraged her to date him. She got over it and around a year later we ended up together. She explained that she had no feelings or thoughts of doing what she did until after talking for a few hours in the car where tension built up and the joking/flirting at the end + lust took over.

 

The thing is you don't need to kiss someone and see how you feel when you already know you don't like them. She's talking out of both sides of her mouth because she's not able to keep her lies straight.

She said she was still confused about her feelings. Another friend suggested the second kiss to see how she would feel afterwards and to see how he would react.

 

In other words, she's not ready to accept responsibility for what she did to you. She would much rather sweep her actions under the rug and act like they didn't happen because that is what is easier for her. I realize she has done some nice things for you and she's not all bad news but the problem is what nice things she does does not change the fact that she's just too immature for a serious relationship right now.

I brought it up just to get the details. She told me, but just didn't like talking about it for obvious reasons. You're probably right about the serious relationship thing.

 

Are you familiar with the expression "Can't see the forest through the trees?" I think the reason websites like LS are so helpful is because we inherently have a bias towards the people we care about. You can't tell how fast the merry ground is spinning when you're standing directly in the center. People who aren't going to be swayed by their emotional investment are able to offer more objective advice to us (in this case you) than we are capable of ourselves.

I probably am being biased to an extent.

 

There is more to any one person or there relationship than just what it is written about them in a post, you're correct and this is true. Sometimes, not having that multi-dimensional view of a person makes it hard to give good advice. In other cases, it is pretty clear from a person's behavior that what they're doing is a dealbreaker.

 

Everyone must determine what their own personal dealbreakers are. People want the best for you and they just don't want to see you get hurt.

I feel like I'm letting people down, haha.

 

You seem to be rushing to your girlfriend's defense. Big mouth or not, don't you think it's good that she told you? I doubt you would have ever found out if not. It's odd that she told someone who is known to have a big mouth, yet she didn't want you finding out through anyone but her telling you herself. Obviously, you're going to sit with it as you will but you seem to be in a bit of denial about the whole situation.

I'm not sure if I would find out either. If so, it would've probably been a while before I found out. That probably would've been a different situation... I would've lost all trust indefinitely. Maybe she told her because she wanted me to know but at the same time hoped it would stay a secret? I don't know, but in the end I found out and I guess that's what matters.

 

Things definitely could have been much much worse. I just have to move on from what did happen. There were many good points in this thread that I brought up with her for explanation, so thank you guys for your input. It's been much appreciated, and sorry if I disappoint some of you

[BeholdtheMan]

• Didn't want to tell me what happened because she didn't want to hurt me
  

She didn't want to tell you because of the possible negative consequences to her. You're in your mid 20's and you can't see through this bullsh*t? Really?

He invited her to a house "facial (cosmetics) party"

Well, looks like that's not the only type of facial she's getting from this dude

 

 

• I asked if she would've kept going if he did kiss (whether or not she had feelings) and she said yes, because she wouldn't know how to stop
  

• Of course she knew how to stop. She didn't want to stop because she was enjoying it too much. Again, do you honestly believe she "didn't know how to stop". These sort of lame euphemisms are used by moral cowards who refuse to take responsibility for betraying their partners' trust
  

 

I know most people would've been done but I decided to give her a second chance.

Most people with self-respect would have been done. Frankly, self-respect seems to be something you lack.

 

This girl isn't in love with you. She's in love of the idea of marriage to a gullible, weak-willed manboy who will provide for her material needs for the rest of her life while she cheats when opportunity presents itself

 

I also think we've gotten a bit stronger afterwards.

How have you guys gotten "stronger". You called her out after she refused to admit. She cried a lot and avoids talking about it. You've forgiven her without making her work to regain your trust.

 

You need to hear this. So far, you've handled everything wrong. You've failed to respect yourself and you've totally misjudged your girlfriend's character. She's played you like a fiddle.

 

I'm trying to pay more attention to her and keep her closer. However she does get very upset whenever I try to talk about it. She's cut off contact with him (well, he tried to contact her but she ignores him) as well.

I assure you that the "keeping her closer" is not the solution to her cheating. She shouldn't be wanting to cheat. You shouldn't have to watch her. That's not a foundation for a healthy relationship

 

I really do think she's sorry

She's totally not sorry because your behaviour has told her how easy it is to get away with this sh*t

 

What would you guys do?

I'd dump her manipulative deceptive a** and find someone who deserves my trust

[Simon Phoenix]

She never would have told you had the friend not told you. How is that coming clean? I'm sorry dude, you are being played for a fool and you seem to be OK with it. What's to prevent her from screwing you over again if you take her back this easily? I think you are more afraid of being single than standing up for yourself.

 

I guarantee you she will cheat on you again. Why wouldn't she? You obviously don't have enough of a backbone to prevent this.

[Keke1]

It was sickening reading the OP. It's absolutely disgusting reading his responses. Is this dude serious? Make some T-Shirt's man for her( I'm with idiot and you Floor Mat ) You're going to get hurt man she sounds manipulative.

[hoping2heal]

Things definitely could have been much much worse. I just have to move on from what did happen. There were many good points in this thread that I brought up with her for explanation, so thank you guys for your input. It's been much appreciated, and sorry if I disappoint some of you

 

OP, it's really not about us. None of us will have to endure the consequences, only you. I don't know what you consider much worse but I'm kind of confused about why you decided to post here in the first place when right now you'd prefer to be in denial about your relationship than actually confront its issues. Sweeping this under the rug and rationalizing her behavior with "it could have been much worse" is not moving on from it. I won't beat a dead horse but we'll all be here for you the next time. That might sound cynical, but you'll understand in due time. I can see you just don't want to face facts right now and that is a normal response, too. You live and you learn.

[reardear]

Hi guys, just an update. I decided to end it. Even though things were going well and whatnot afterwards, I didn't want to have to ever think of what happened again or wonder about her commitment to me. It was hard of course, and I do think things could've worked, but I don't really want to have any concerns about a relationship. Honestly it was probably harder for her lol.

 

Anyways, that aside, I just have some questions I'll ask here instead of making a new thread.

 

 

1. Do some people really don't know why they cheated?
   
2. For those so keen on me not giving a second chance, what one difference (from what I said) would've allowed you to consider giving a second chance?
   
3. What's your boundary, if you have one, for giving second chances?
   

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi guys, just an update. I decided to end it. Even though things were going well and whatnot afterwards, I didn't want to have to ever think of what happened again or wonder about her commitment to me. It was hard of course, and I do think things could've worked, but I don't really want to have any concerns about a relationship. Honestly it was probably harder for her lol.

 

Anyways, that aside, I just have some questions I'll ask here instead of making a new thread.

 

 

1. Do some people really don't know why they cheated?
   
2. For those so keen on me not giving a second chance, what one difference (from what I said) would've allowed you to consider giving a second chance?
   
3. What's your boundary, if you have one, for giving second chances?
   

 

1. No.

2. None.

3. None.

[Trimmer]

I asked if she would've kept going if he did kiss (whether or not she had feelings) and she said yes, because she wouldn't know how to stop

If you had continued the relationship, I think you would have been constantly worried that she never learned how...

[Sazerac]

Hi guys, just an update. I decided to end it. Even though things were going well and whatnot afterwards, I didn't want to have to ever think of what happened again or wonder about her commitment to me. It was hard of course, and I do think things could've worked, but I don't really want to have any concerns about a relationship. Honestly it was probably harder for her lol.

 

Anyways, that aside, I just have some questions I'll ask here instead of making a new thread.

 

 

1. Do some people really don't know why they cheated?
   
2. For those so keen on me not giving a second chance, what one difference (from what I said) would've allowed you to consider giving a second chance?
   
3. What's your boundary, if you have one, for giving second chances?
   

 

I'm going to skip over the first two questions as having no one real answer and address the third:

 

There would have to be remorse, TRUE remorse shown. The person would have had to come clean on their own, tell me what they did, not minimizing anything, and then show a willingness and determination to change.

 

I see none of that in your OP about her behavior. What I do see is disrespect, minimalization of her own behavior, and a self-centered reaction to your finding out (Suicide? Really?)

 

Read back over what you wrote, and what you were told, and ask yourself if you see any true remorse from her? Any true willingness to change? Because I don't.

 

Even if I did, I probably would not have taken her back. A person who would do those kinds of things is seriously damaged. People will treat you the way you train them to treat you. If you let her by with this, she'll know it's okay to continue this behavior unabated.

[drifter777]

Hi guys, just an update. I decided to end it. Even though things were going well and whatnot afterwards, I didn't want to have to ever think of what happened again or wonder about her commitment to me. It was hard of course, and I do think things could've worked, but I don't really want to have any concerns about a relationship. Honestly it was probably harder for her lol.

 

Anyways, that aside, I just have some questions I'll ask here instead of making a new thread.

 

 

1. Do some people really don't know why they cheated?
   
2. For those so keen on me not giving a second chance, what one difference (from what I said) would've allowed you to consider giving a second chance?
   
3. What's your boundary, if you have one, for giving second chances?
   

 

 

 

I'll answer both in what I thought years ago at D-day and what I've learned - the hard way - since that time.

 

 

1) On this one my answer today is the same as it was on D-day. NO! This is a huge, disgusting lie as it indicates the cheater is desperate to make the BS forgive and forget without facing the damage they did and allowing the BS to express their true feelings. Whether the cheater is caught or confesses all they want is for the BS to say "ok, it hurts but I understand. Lets just put it behind us". Anything short of this is agony for the WS as it means they aren't getting off scott-free.

 

 

2) At D-day the things that made me give her another chance and agree to try again are: I thought I would be able to put it in the back of my mind and hide it. I thought "time heals all wounds" would work for me. I wanted to be with my son and make a stable, secure home life for him. But the real reason at the heart of all of this was my fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of ruining the family life that we used to have. Fear was the greatest motivator and I've never forgiven myself for allowing myself to buckle to that fear.

Today, there is no way I would ever give her a second chance. If we divorce or she dies or whatever and I start up with another woman there would be zero tolerance for cheating. I've learned my lesson.

 

 

3) As I said in number 2, zero tolerance. If I didn't catch her in the act or she wouldn't confess and had to go only on my gut and strong circumstantial evidence to go on, that would be enough and I'd be done with her. Zero tolerance is zero tolerance.

[reardear]

She's been begging and begging for another chance and won't leave me alone and says she won't give up. She even tried to see me a few times and while I ignored her she would sit and wait on the porch for hours for me until the time someone from my family would be coming home from work.. she's a wreck. I tried to tell her there's other people out there and that even if I did take her back I would leave her for someone else and she said she didn't care . Do I just wait until she gives up or is there something else I could say so she stops?

 

There would have to be remorse, TRUE remorse shown. The person would have had to come clean on their own, tell me what they did, not minimizing anything, and then show a willingness and determination to change.

She told me every detail about what they did: including things they said, chronological order of events, her feelings, their actions, etc. It was very detailed and lengthy and I don't think there's anything she could have minimized. It's true that she didn't come clean on her own. She told her cousin right after and then two friends later on to get help. Her cousin and one friend (both males) suggested she not say anything, and her female friend (the one that told me) suggested she confess. She claimed she wasn't ready to tell me yet, so I won't know if or when she would've told me.

 

I see none of that in your OP about her behavior. What I do see is disrespect, minimalization of her own behavior, and a self-centered reaction to your finding out (Suicide? Really?)

I guess the suicide thing was to try to prevent the friend from telling me. She says she wouldn't be able to do it.

 

Read back over what you wrote, and what you were told, and ask yourself if you see any true remorse from her? Any true willingness to change? Because I don't.

I do, but still.

 

1) On this one my answer today is the same as it was on D-day. NO! This is a huge, disgusting lie as it indicates the cheater is desperate to make the BS forgive and forget without facing the damage they did and allowing the BS to express their true feelings. Whether the cheater is caught or confesses all they want is for the BS to say "ok, it hurts but I understand. Lets just put it behind us". Anything short of this is agony for the WS as it means they aren't getting off scott-free.

Yeah, totally makes sense. I think everyone would want to put it behind them though haha. Her reason was that it was a mix of an old flame passing by, lust, and sexual tension

[Simon Phoenix]

She's been begging and begging for another chance and won't leave me alone and says she won't give up. She even tried to see me a few times and while I ignored her she would sit and wait on the porch for hours for me until the time someone from my family would be coming home from work.. she's a wreck. I tried to tell her there's other people out there and that even if I did take her back I would leave her for someone else and she said she didn't care . Do I just wait until she gives up or is there something else I could say so she stops?

 

Wait till she gives up or call the cops. She's trying to guilt you again into doing what she wants -- same stunt she pulled when she threatened to commit suicide. She sucks.

[drifter777]

She's been begging and begging for another chance and won't leave me alone and says she won't give up. She even tried to see me a few times and while I ignored her she would sit and wait on the porch for hours for me until the time someone from my family would be coming home from work.. she's a wreck. I tried to tell her there's other people out there and that even if I did take her back I would leave her for someone else and she said she didn't care . Do I just wait until she gives up or is there something else I could say so she stops?

Giving her another chance is just postponing the inevitable. She's a cheater and a big part of you hates her for doing this to you. No matter what you do right now the part of you that hates her is going to win at some point so why not just be strong now and get this over with. In a month you will wonder why you didn't dump her earlier.