brodanik Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 How do I gain my man's trust back? I went to a few of my brother in laws softball games and there was a guy there that flirted with me. I kind of flirted back in the sense that I didn't stop it and I would make remarks back, but the remarks were always with the fact that I was taken. An example is, "I've got a man but you couldn't handle me anyways." This guy jokes with everyone. I think he's funny. I requested him on Facebook and talked to him a couple of times. I deleted the messages because I didn't want my man to not want me to go to the games anymore. The guy responded to me saying good night to him and he said you too beautiful awhile later, so my man got the message. I really never intended on leaving my man for the other guy. I'm very much in love, but now I feel like this is tearing our relationship apart. My man is depressed and always worried about what I'm doing. I never had any physical contact with this guy and I could never ever foresee me actually cheating. I guess I was flattered by the flirting but never once did I contemplate not being with my man. I am confident in who I love. I don't know what to do! I understand my man's concerns, but I feel like our relationship is falling apart over something so stupid. Stupid... As in... I didn't sleep with anybody and would never. It was some joking around. Where do I start to fix this? Help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Your boyfriend is seeing parts of your personality that he does not like. Most flirts are seeking outside validation. They never learned how to validate themselves, and attention from others makes them feel good. You were also sneaky by deleting the messages. He needed you to be loyal to him, and even though it was just flirting, it is a blow to his ego. Your boyfriend doesn't trust you because he sees aspects of you that are not trustworthy. Some people never get over stuff like this. You could be a perfect angel for the next twenty years, and he could still think about this incident. If you feel like he will never get over this, then move on. Learn from this, though. If you enjoy flirting, then maybe you shouldn't be in a committed relationship right now. If do get into a relationship, realize that sometimes your intentions can be misconstrued. You know you didn't want that other guy, but your boyfriend doesn't know that. There is no way for him to know your thoughts, he only has your actions and words to go by. Your actions must match your words. If you love your boyfriend, and have no intention of cheating...then your actions must match that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Honestly, I think your man is controlling. Ive observed few men who wouldnt do the same exact thing you did. Harmless flirting seems to only be okay for the men and not the women on here but I disagree. I would talk to him about it and tell him to back it down. I dont think you should have deleted the messages though. *all 4 of my ex boyfriends did stuff like this with other girls and saw nothing wrong with it. Since its 2013 and equality is supposed to exist I see nothing wrong with women doing the same.* What matters is the two people in the relationship...and the boundaries and expectations that they have for each other. If you are behaving in a way that is hurtful to the other person, whether it is the girl or the guy, then that is inconsiderate. It doesn't matter how many people have done it before and think it's OK. If she feels he is too controlling, and she can't handle it, then she needs to leave him instead of trying to change him. And if he can't deal with her flirting, then he should leave her if she isn't willing to change. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Im just trying to offer a different perspective. Do a search on this site of the reverse situation...youll find no guy will respond to a girl whose boyfriend did this the same way. Hard truth: its more acceptable for men to do this than women. Its hilarious how filled this forum is with double standards. Girl talks to her ex boyfriend and not doing anything wrong = untrustworthy, sneaking Guy talks to his ex girlfriend and being too flirtacious = hes just being a guy and dont worry he hasnt physically cheated so youre all good! Utter bull****. the op had ful awareness that her boyfriend wouldn't want her to go to games because she deleted the messages to stop any chance of her boyfriend knowing....that is sneaky.......there isnt a double standard at all....if a guy did this it would be construed as ....sneaky........ 4 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 It is sneaky. But its more acceptable for men to do it. People on here are far more forgiving to men who dont understand proper boundaries and are disrespectful to their partner. "hes just being a guy" "men are idiots" "give him another chance" It most def IS a double standard when one sex gets judged less than the other sex for the same exact behavior, sorry! Take a look at the threads here. Its very enlightening how feminism still has a ways to go. i dont respect the "act" of a man who is sneaky any more than i respect a woman who sneaks around and the truth being is i would forgive both....."people" make mistakes...and by the op and her personal post she wants to fix it.......that shows acceptance and remorse hopefully....... i dont feel feminism has a ways to go...i feel humanity has a ways to go ....in acceptance and understanding that it is not an issue of the person being male or female.......but the act of sneakiness and deceit itself...thats the problem and in said problem lies the solution...... just stop the sneakiness........not the gender of who is commiting that act feeling she has a right to because some men are dicks and it sets feminism back if we cant behave like dicks too...... so back on topic and not so much about gender wars.....the op needs to be honest and come clean .....ask for forgiveness.....and be more cautious in the future with words chosen..... when someone is obviously flirting, if she is truly committed to her relationship to not add them on face book continue the flirting and hence have to delete messages that are dicey................deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Okay, so, you flirted with him in person . Harmless enough. But you added him on Facebook, started messaging him, and clearly didn't establish your boundaries with him because he is sending you compliments like "good night beautiful" I'd be pretty pissed if I was your boyfriend too. I'd feel disrespected and like that was something I wouldn't do to you because of the respect I had both for you and for the relationship. Oh, AND you deleted the messages. because you knew what you were doing was wrong. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brodanik Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 I can't find a reason why I put myself in this situation. This is not the kind of person that I am. I have been faithful in every way for 7 years. I was sneaky and it backfired and made the situation ten times worse. He is not controlling. He's just worried now because I've given him reason to be. I just wish he could read my mind and know that I want to be with him and only him for forever. I've been limiting the things I go and do because I know that every time I walk out the door his mind starts racing. I don't want to make it worse. I know I can't limit what I do for forever but right now it seems like the right thing to do... by choice. Where can I start on the road to getting better? I know that nothing really bad happened, but his mind will always go straight to the worse thing that could have. I hate that he thinks these things because I know who I truly love, and I can't believe that I'm the one who has possibly ruined it. Now he is trying to fix it by trying to not let me see that he is upset. I don't think just ignoring it is going to help, I just get annoyed when he makes a comment about it that's much worse than what it was because I know what I did and did not do. I've told him what was said between the guy and I, but his mind keeps telling him there's more to tell, and there's not. I deserve the hurt I'm going through, but something's gotta give at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I can't find a reason why I put myself in this situation. This is not the kind of person that I am. I have been faithful in every way for 7 years. I was sneaky and it backfired and made the situation ten times worse. He is not controlling. He's just worried now because I've given him reason to be. I just wish he could read my mind and know that I want to be with him and only him for forever. I've been limiting the things I go and do because I know that every time I walk out the door his mind starts racing. I don't want to make it worse. I know I can't limit what I do for forever but right now it seems like the right thing to do... by choice. Where can I start on the road to getting better? I know that nothing really bad happened, but his mind will always go straight to the worse thing that could have. I hate that he thinks these things because I know who I truly love, and I can't believe that I'm the one who has possibly ruined it. Now he is trying to fix it by trying to not let me see that he is upset. I don't think just ignoring it is going to help, I just get annoyed when he makes a comment about it that's much worse than what it was because I know what I did and did not do. I've told him what was said between the guy and I, but his mind keeps telling him there's more to tell, and there's not. I deserve the hurt I'm going through, but something's gotta give at some point. i can read you are sorry brodanik, i really hope that you can work things out...you know in yourself, if the situation were reversed you would have problems trusting your boyfriend...and that is how he is probably feeling about you.......i think time is the ultimate truth, if you stay together.....and him seeing that you are not going to do this again and that you know it was wrong will help with time and patience....i wish you much luck and best wishes.....i hope it works out for you....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 You're going to have to find a way to show him he is the only man you want. Its not going to be an instant fix, but just listen to him and show him how much you love him. Surprise him. Cook for him. Jump him when he gets home . Let him know you are thinking of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brodanik Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 I'm still trying to make sense of all of this and I'm the one who did it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm self conscious about myself and I enjoyed the attention. My man seems very attracted to me, but sometimes when you're in a relationship for so long it seems like the truth isn't told because feelings don't want to be hurt. And after this long of a relationship the flirting isn't the same. I was like.. Wow.. I can still be hit on and yes it did make me feel good. I know my man and I love each other. I'm hoping maybe this will turn into a blessing in disguise and maybe we can rediscover the spark that made us fall in love in the first place! I am hopeful and I'm not giving up!! I just hope that this depression between us goes away sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brodanik Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 Thank you all so much for your input! I really appreciate it. Just taking about it is making me feel so much better. I wish the man would do the same. Maybe that's one of the steps that needs to be taken. I know this can be fixed, i 'm just so ashamed that it needs fixing at all. Those 7 years up until now are something that many people dream of... a pretty perfect relationship. I have done wrong and that's something that I also have to deal with and it will never happen again. I don't ever want to feel this way again and I definitely don't want to make him feel like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 OP: The issue here is you tried to hide it and now he is wondering what else you tried to hide. The trust aspect has to be discussed and you have to be honest with him on why you did this....tell him what you told us, you felt insecure about your looks and you wanted someone to validate that you are still attractive. He will want to know why his word that you are lovely isn't enough and you will have to explain that to him. Trust can be reestablished with lots of work...work on making him feel special and make sure he knows how sorry you are for almost stepping over the line. Social networks must be handled with care when you are in a relationship...I wouldn't recommend doing anything on them that you wouldn't do right in front of your bf's face. He needs time and reassurance and because you were the one who hurt him, you have to figure out a way to make it up to him that will make him sure of your loyalty. This could be a blessing in disguise...you were given a wake-up call before this flirtation with this guy went any further. Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 You are not mature enough to go alone to any activity. And you can be whatever but you are a human with blood in your body. So once you open the door to flirty stuff and wrong behavior while you are already taken anything can happen. It can happen once he tells you something you really wanted to hear or once you have a argument with your husband. Stop acting immature. You know very well what you are doing and why you added this dude. If you want to act like a teen, divorce and go be a teen. Dont waste peoples time. While they can get someone better that take them serious. People respect you and your marriage the way you respect it. So if you are joking with him about your boundaries and that you are taken he will take you as a joke. That dude is disrespectful and you are and you allowed him to be. Agree. And through u the guy was also allowed to disrespect yr bf 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Brodanik, I assume you've unfriended, and gone no-contact with, the guy you were flirting with? That should be an absolute no-brainer, and totally non-negotiable. Next: you ask what you should do to fix it. The answer is simple -- make yourself an open book to your BF. Putting that into action, however, is the part you may not like. Give him the passwords to your FB and email. Let him see your phone text messages whenever he wants, and don't delete them. Let him see your internet browser history whenever he wants. Tell him where you are and who you're with, and when you'll be back. Trust is rebuilt by a pattern of verifiable good behaviour. If he checks up on you a number of times and there's nothing of concern, gradually he'll calm down. He'll stop feeling the need to check up on you. He may not see the need to actually check up on you, but the fact of you offering him this access will probably help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) I never had any physical contact with this guy and I could never ever foresee me actually cheating. Here's the rub, you were cheating. You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. Here's a good definition of cheating. Cheating is doing or SAYING things with other person that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. That's cheating. You were flirting with another guy. Giving him validation that everything was being said between the two of you was okay and well recieved. Then, you friended this guy on Facebook and hid and deleted messsages and conversations with this other guy from your boyfriend. Why? It was innocent and nothing more than playful, right? The deal is you knew it was wrong and you felt guilty about it. That's why you hid it. So, you're not fooling anyone. You were having an inappropriate relationship with this guy. So, I'm onboard with your boyfriend. I would be upset too! I would be wondering what exactly do I really mean to you. I would be wondering if you really loved me at all or just cooling your heels with me until the next "best thing" comes along. Hell, I would be thinking that you were holding auditions with this guy as my replacement. I mean, that's what I would be thinking. That I wasn't good enough that you felt it was necessary to look for outside validation from another dude. This is probably what your boyfriend is thinking. So, you need to cut ALL CONTACT with this other dude. PEROID! Then, you need to work on your boyfriend. You need to PROVE to him that he's the guy for you. And don't tell him that. He has no reason to believe a word that's coming out of your mouth. Show him. Show him a lot of affection, leave him post it notes with "I love you's" for him to find. Plan a romantic night out, or a get away weekend at a B&B. Cook him dinner with all his favor things to eat and put a lot of effort into it. Don't tell him. SHOW HIM!! Edited June 21, 2013 by Chi townD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 ang86, your bitter is showing. OP, I believe that you didn't do anything wrong. Problem is that you acted as if you did, your man saw evidence of it (via deleted texts). You can't really blame him. As for how to remedy it, all you can do is be a good gf and hope he forgives you. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Honestly, I think your man is controlling. Ive observed few men who wouldnt do the same exact thing you did. Harmless flirting seems to only be okay for the men and not the women on here but I disagree. I would talk to him about it and tell him to back it down. I dont think you should have deleted the messages though. *all 4 of my ex boyfriends did stuff like this with other girls and saw nothing wrong with it. Since its 2013 and equality is supposed to exist I see nothing wrong with women doing the same.* Eh? How is he controlling? She flirts..ok but there is also incessant flirting, does she flirt when he's around? Probably not. Plus the fact she went looking for him on facebook, so now we're not only flirting at baseball but on facebook and she's deleting the messages to cover her tracks...where is the trust? maybe there's a reason why your four boyfriends are ex's, you seem to have a chip on your block. Be it man or woman, you want to talk to the opposite ex that's fine..but why take it to sexual innuendo if you're with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
gateway865 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Well after reading your post I can totally understand why you guy feels the way you do. Hiding the fact you were talking to another guy would drive any guy crazy and the same for any female. I get how you were feeling though " wanted to see if you still had it" the only REAL mistake is hiding it from your significant other. Flirting in my opinion is kind of crossing the line a bit and that always can be talked out. Being together that long should have nothing to hide from one another. Honestly, i am positive things will workout for you. It may take a little time for him to get over it ( 7 year relationship its possible things may get a little boring at times ) but all this did was hit you with reality of what you have and how much you relationship means to you. Just next time think about what your doing before you do it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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