About to get married, but worried -looking for insight

[Worthington]

Hi All,

 

This is my first post on here and I apologize for being so verbose. If anyone actually takes the time to read this I'd love to hear some feedback. She won't do counseling so I figure this is a safe place to go for 3rd person perspective and still remain anonymous I also apologize in advance for being all over the place. As you can imagine when emotions are involved it's tough to get everything out in a concise fashion.

 

 

I never believed in finding someone who was your “best friend”, I thought it was something nice people tried to believe and many people said just to say it. For me, after the first 6 months or so, I always wanted to spend time with the guys more than my significant other. Aside from the obvious physical part, the feeling of companionship and the occasional romantic day/night it was usually a chore.

 

Meet my current fiancé who I am to wed in just over three months. We share so many things together, on our marriage assessment test we scored off of the charts in all but one area. Up until recently I’ve found myself neglecting my best (guy) friend because I just love spending time with her. I have always been able to be very open, we share a lot of interests and just have a great time doing anything together. We have similar desires/goals in life and candidly I really never thought I’d meet someone I connected with like this. I’ve been in love a handful of times, but never a relationship like this. She truly is my best friend, I respect her, love her and want to share our lives together.

 

I had seen her faults and accept her for them. Sure there are a number of things that drive me nuts, but I’ve learned to accept that as part of the package.

 

Now, months from the wedding and she has become a completely different person. Her own family is confused because the things she is doing are not like her at all. She has had some horrible experiences in the last 5 years and some very difficult losses. I know those are taking a toll on her and she certainly is depressed. She’s in counseling because she does recognize this and she is taking medication.

 

I’ve viewed everything as if she were ill and just needs healing. I do everything I can to try to make life easier for her. I do nearly all of the house work, I leave her sweet notes in random places that she finds on a regular basis, I buy her flowers, cards and compliment her (genuinely) on a regular basis (our love languages are the same, words of affirmation followed by affection).

 

Yet, everything I do she finds fault in. I will do a ton around the house and she will make a point to pick one thing I didn’t put in the right place. For perspective, while I think she is OCD, she is far messier than I am but since she will not clean and I end up doing it all she throws a fuss because a pot is in the wrong spot (after I’ve spent an hour or two cleaning).

If I have a drink (I rarely drink and there is no alcohol issue) with her father, on the way home she complains about having to drive my car, getting furious with me because it’s “uncomfortable” (I drive a very high end car and don’t understand).

 

I can’t remember the last time she has said something genuinely nice to me. We can’t go an hour in person without bickering at me for something. Now I certainly have my faults, but I’m fairly put together. I have a very successful career, I take care of myself physically, I always try to think of her and things that I can do to make her feel better. I try to say encouraging/positive things to her even when lately I’m finding it sadly more difficult to think of genuine nice things to say about her.

 

However in her eyes I am constantly screwing everything up. She’s also gotten physically violent the last few months. I’ve never been in a relationship with that. When I get angry I remain calm (90% of the time) and restrain hurtful words or raising my voice. If I need to cool off I take my space. Yet she has started literally hitting me, forcefully throwing objects at me, scratching at me etc. I don’t even know what to do when this happens and while she’s quite strong for a girl (just naturally muscular) I’m afraid of hurting her by retraining her arms or something in an incident defending myself. Not to mention that I have no clue why this is happening or what to do to prevent it. I’ve never struck a woman nor will I ever.

 

I know I treat her very well and to be frank, most guys would have left awhile ago. I just believe she needs to work through this in counseling. She recognizes that sometimes which is a good sign, but lately she’s been rescheduling counseling sometimes for other things which makes me think she just doesn’t take it as seriously as I do.

 

She also won’t go to counseling with me, she says we have to work through our issues (which I don’t see improving at all).

Here is someone I know I have more in common with and a better connection with than anyone I’ve ever met, that I love immensely but I’m starting to get weak.

 

All this negativity is making me resent her, I don’t want to be around her. Even when I try I’ll hear some garbage about something I screwed up (which 90% of the time isn’t even an issue) and I just get away from her.

We are supposed to get married in a few months but I’m scared. I believe this is temporary, that with help she will get the healing she needs and be the person I know she is normally.

 

She lost her mother a year and a half ago, she went from being on the dean’s list at a very good college in her final year and giving it all up to care for her mother until she passed. I know that’s hard for her, after she had nothing, she was trying to make ends meet at starbucks, not making enough to cover her expenses etc (she had no real job experience and hasn’t finished her degree).

 

I introduced her to a very large organization and helped her get a job paying nearly 5x what she was making. They do tuition reimbursement, have benefits on par with Microsoft (which is good because she has a poor health history) and while it isn’t what she wants to do for the rest of her life it’s given her security, the opportunity to grow and she can get back to school in a year or so once things have stabilized (get past the wedding etc). If she works hard as she has already, this organization takes people all the way to the top. However she only complains that she hates her job, that she wants to go back to school etc.

 

I’m thinking to myself, she couldn’t pay her bills, had NO opportunity for growth and horrible work hours and now she has consistent office hours, a stable life, career opportunity and the ability to have her schooling paid for but she hates it? Sure it's not ideal, it's not how she pictured life going but it could be MUCH worse.

 

We’ve talked about going to school and taking classes in the evening or something once things settle but she insists it be one specific private university that has a very limited schedule. Candidly I feel like she is in a much better place and needs to make SOME compromises (ie, go to another good school with a more flexible schedule).

 

We purchased a house together a few months ago. I say we because she was just as involved in the decision but it went in my name. She has wanted a nice car for years and has gone through very hard times. I told her once some credit cards of hers were paid we would do it. I did it a little early (selling her previous car to cover the small remaining balance) and got her a car she loves.

 

Life isn’t perfect, not everything works out the way you desire and I just feel like she’s had so many great things occur recently but all she does is find fault in anything and everything. I feel she’s completely ungrateful and takes me for granted even though I try so hard on a daily basis to make her feel good and to take stress off of her plate.

 

To be frank, I’m hurt, she’s “broken up” with me multiple times (only to come down to me minutes after when I said ok, I’m going in the other room). She’s tossed the ring at me quite a few times. She’s told me she isn’t attracted to me physically (not to be cocky but I know I’m a pretty good looking guy), she’s told me she doesn’t like to have sex with me when she (outside of the recent craziness) has pushed me more for it than I her and I know she’s climaxed most times (I’m very focused on the other person and make sure she does before me).

 

She calls me an *******, dick etc frequently when I know I treat her very well. There have been a few, very rare cases I said something similar and then apologized for afterwards (While I am good at holding my temper sometimes it’s lost).

 

The bottom line is she is crushing me, I know I’m a good man, I respect women and treat them very well. That wasn’t always the case but I learned a ton through previous relationships and counseling. I’ve read tons of books etc. I’m very successful in my career. I do screw up but I know I also treat her very well, I respect her, I’m supportive and encouraging and in return she just stabs me repeatedly with very hurtful words and has also started with the physical stuff.

 

I can say right now that if this really was her and I’d spend the rest of my life like this the majority of the time –I’d leave in a heartbeat. But I genuinely believe this is from depression and unresolved issues that she is slowly working through in counseling. I am having a hard time understanding how she can continue being so hurtful to me. Why it only gets worse. I starting to feel helpless and don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve suggested counseling for both of us but she refuses, she will only go herself to talk about her past issues –not even our current issues.

[Balzac]

I learned a ton through previous relationships and counseling

 

Sadly you're unable to apply the knowledge.

[Worthington]

I learned a ton through previous relationships and counseling

 

Sadly you're unable to apply the knowledge.

 

Thank you for the insightful response

[Balzac]

How old is she? Has she had a comprehensive psychological

evaluation?

 

Secondarily. You mention loss of her mother and nearly indigent, who funded

her education?

[swimswithjeans]

Worthington,

 

So so so sorry you are going through this. I know this must be so difficult for you as you have clearly invested so much into the relationship.

 

All I can say to you is something that my boss (who I have a great relationship with) told me last week... Relationships don't really get better.

 

Marrying her will not solve anything- will not make her more stable. She has some serious issues that she has to deal with and it doesn't sound like she is willing to do it.

 

I am so sorry, but marrying this woman.. Will only tie you to her on paper and maybe create more issues for you in the long-run.

 

I feel for you; my recent-ex has gone through a lot as well... And I ended up taking the brunt of it. It sucked. Really. But I am afraid to tell you... That you are just slowly getting burnt out and worn out.

[Worthington]

Worthington,

 

So so so sorry you are going through this. I know this must be so difficult for you as you have clearly invested so much into the relationship.

 

All I can say to you is something that my boss (who I have a great relationship with) told me last week... Relationships don't really get better.

 

Marrying her will not solve anything- will not make her more stable. She has some serious issues that she has to deal with and it doesn't sound like she is willing to do it.

 

I am so sorry, but marrying this woman.. Will only tie you to her on paper and maybe create more issues for you in the long-run.

 

I feel for you; my recent-ex has gone through a lot as well... And I ended up taking the brunt of it. It sucked. Really. But I am afraid to tell you... That you are just slowly getting burnt out and worn out.

 

Thanks for the response. She has actually acknowledged that she has some issues and is going to counseling weekly and on meds so that gives me hope and makes me think this will pass.

 

Still, she won't go with me, and it's just getting very difficult to keep composure and not let it get to me.

 

Her past relationships, she was with men who abused her and didn't let her have a "voice". She said in our mentorship program that I've really taught her to be herself, that it's ok. I just worry that part of that has turned her into being dominant. There's so much going on that it's tough to know what can be attributed to what.

 

I just can't stand being with a woman that's dominating, conversely I'll never, ever dominate another woman. I think successful relationships require mutual respect and don't involve one person controlling or trying to change another.

[Worthington]

How old is she? Has she had a comprehensive psychological

evaluation?

 

Secondarily. You mention loss of her mother and nearly indigent, who funded

her education?

 

I'm very compassionate towards her, if my tone came across indignant it's probably just because I'm frustrated right now and am tired of constantly being bashed, emotionally and physically. While I understand she is dealing with some difficult things -after awhile you get tired of hearing you are being verbally and physically mauled because someone is dealing with something. There's really no good excuse to do that on an ongoing basis and so frequently to someone you love.

 

I know it was very difficult for her. Her father funded her education. Her mother wasn't a very nice person, she grew up with her dad though and her mom finally told her she loved her and was nice to her the last few weeks before she passed.

 

I'll be the first to say she has a ton going on inside. I've been here for her the entire time. It's just getting really difficult. I couldn't live my being treated like this and really need to know this won't be every day life.

 

I know every relationship has rough times and were I to share my past you'd find I'm very very patient and committed, even in the hard times. Her Dad has even mentioned he can tell how much I love her b/c most would have given up by now.

 

I just don't know what to do to continue staying positive and not letting myself feel resentment towards her as this continues.

 

PS. I'm not sure on the psychological exam, she's seeing a counselor she's visited throughout her life through and is on heavy medication.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Worthington

[Balzac]

indignant -- no no not at all. My comment referred to her economic struggles.

 

It just reads oddly to discuss a wedding and incomplete degree at a good school but her struggling financially.

 

Honestly your story reads to be one of a tragic decent into much more significant mental illness than "depression". For her sake this wedding should be cancelled. Certainly no observer can question your character or love. Your fiancée is ill.

[Worthington]

indignant -- no no not at all. My comment referred to her economic struggles.

 

It just reads oddly to discuss a wedding and incomplete degree at a good school but her struggling financially.

 

Honestly your story reads to be one of a tragic decent into much more significant mental illness than "depression". For her sake this wedding should be cancelled. Certainly no observer can question your character or love. Your fiancée is ill.

 

Oh ok, makes much more sense. Her dad has been a very successful business owner, he took care of her education.

 

I've been thinking we should at least put the wedding off so she can get help first but she just tells me that since her mother is gone a wedding period is going to be difficult for her and bring out the worst. To be fair we also have a home purchase within the last 2 months and she started the new job so it is a lot to process at once and she doesn't like change.

 

It's good change and it's putting her in a much more stable life but a lot to handle at once.

 

Still though that doesn't warrant this behavior.

 

If I am going to tough it out, any words of wisdom on how to stay positive and help her heal?

 

PS. I initially thought you were just trying to be rude in your first post. I really do appreciate the thoughtful input.

[TheGuard13]

If you absolutely insist on "toughing it out", get some counseling yourself.

 

It can help you to try to understand what she's going through, and what the best styles and methods of communication will be.

[Balzac]

Get yourself into therapy now. Taking you at your word. your well written and detailed narrative, positive = delusional. As an adult you can make your own decisions but get a couple professionals for guidance.

 

My personal recommendation is to consult with an attorney.

That's the way to maintain optimism.

[pie2]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I think your fiancée can absolutely change her behaviors, and that this doesn't have to be permanent. But only if she really wants to change.

 

I think postponing the wedding would be good. If it were me, I might even look at her participating in pre-marital couple's counseling - or independently doing a complete 180 with her behavior (unlikely) - as a dealbreaker.

[Balzac]

Attorneys who specialize in the area of Trusts/Advocacy can prepare you to understand the best way to "love and care for" your fiancée/wife.

The situation you've described is complicated with risks.

 

Risks to you and to her.

[Balzac]

Gosh I hope we didn't chase you away.

[will1988]

One of your problems is that you are too nice. I respect women and have never layed a hand on one. Yet, if my fiance is being a nut case (she will sometimes do the stuff your fiance does, but thankfully it was when we were dating and not since we got engaged) I logliclly explain to her her bad actions, and if she continues I either get in the mud or I tell her that she needs to make compromises or she can leave. This generally calms her down really fast. You need to stand up for your self.

[Worthington]

One of your problems is that you are too nice. I respect women and have never layed a hand on one. Yet, if my fiance is being a nut case (she will sometimes do the stuff your fiance does, but thankfully it was when we were dating and not since we got engaged) I logliclly explain to her her bad actions, and if she continues I either get in the mud or I tell her that she needs to make compromises or she can leave. This generally calms her down really fast. You need to stand up for your self.

 

I'm actually very assertive normally Will. I just feel like I'm on egg shells recently because she's literally doing things that carry no logic. I don't mean to sound mean but I really feel like I'm dealing with a crazy person right now and I have no idea how to communicate with someone like that.

[Worthington]

Gosh I hope we didn't chase you away.

 

Not at all.

 

I'll probably look into counseling for just myself to better understand how to deal with this stuff as it comes.

[will1988]

I'm actually very assertive normally Will. I just feel like I'm on egg shells recently because she's literally doing things that carry no logic. I don't mean to sound mean but I really feel like I'm dealing with a crazy person right now and I have no idea how to communicate with someone like that.

 

Do what I do. Fight fire with gasoline! Act like a crazy person back. Then stop, and ask her how that made her feel. When she says it made her feel bad, then tell her that that is only a fraction of what you have to put up with when she acts that way constantly!

 

This trick works very well for me.

[CarrieT]

Meet my current fiancé who I am to wed in just over three months.

 

Dear god, whatever you, POSTPONE the wedding!

 

Seriously.

 

Have a very long engagement until you are 100% sure everything is right and perfect and fine.

 

If you are in this state now - with just three months before the big date - you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt and probably divorce.

[stillafool]

Please, please, please cancel the wedding. If you think it's bad now wait until you're married. You need to stand up for yourself and let her know the engagement is off and you hope she gets some help. You've been quite supportive but it isn't your job to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. She is acting terrible. She isn't the only person on this earth who has issues to deal with. She needs to get over herself and you need to stop feeling sorry for her.

[Woggle]

IF you marry her you are out of your mind.