Time to "Journal" Again - Trying to Cling to Clarity

[zevahc]

So it's been a rough couple days and I felt like it was time to journal/write again...regardless of response it helps.

 

For some reason I've really been depressed past few days. Been a few months since anything physical, and the LC has changed so much....the EA has fallen away, and it almost feels as if even the friendship is beginning to...like a door is closing. She may not feel that way, but I feel and see it that way. What our glue was....well, that was the connection...and with the boundaries we have...well, that closeness isn't there. I'm depressed as hell because I miss that connection. I miss the conversation, the closeness.

 

So...i took a long walk tonight...while out walking...I asked myself "WTH"!!! Why am I holding onto some small shred of hope that this person I claim as my soulmate will eventually be around...why cling to some 1% or less? So I continue walking...telling myself that it is completely stupid. Even if she is that great, she isn't available, and I'm so madly in love with her that it's just destroying me.

 

i'm further depressed because I want that relationship with someone. I want to marry my best friend and I just see NO opportunities to meet people. I work with all guys and I'm a single parent. No opportunity or circumstance to even meet someone. It depresses the hell out of me.

 

But anyways...trying to hold onto this clarity of thought i had...and even being alone forever I guess would be better than daily torture...at least thats my current thought.

[thecharade]

Oh, I am so sorry. I believe there are many of us that can relate all too well to your pain. When a painful breakup occurs and you perceive rejection, it really gives both your self-esteem and your view of your life the one two punch. The rejection seems to alter our view about everything in our lives! But that's just it, it's merely a false perception of hopelessness. You are going to need to do some real work and dig deep if you want to pull yourself up and out instead of wallowing. I searched every website I could find on how to survive a breakup. I found some great ones that really helped adjust my thinking and get my thoughts into a more positive trajectory. And the main, MAIN "tactic" for me has been to counter every negative mood with an intentional positive action for myself. A walk, an ice cream cone, a movie. I love me! I don't need some lame *ss to make me feel great! I know what I love to do, and when I'm feeling crumby I take the time to do it. For myself!

 

She can't take the power of your life unless you let her! You have a lot of love to give! A single dad? There is nothing more powerful and sexy and responsible and big hearted than that! You rock! Some woman is going to be damn lucky to hook someone as fundamentally good hearted as you obviously are. She was needy and used you. Get angry! Find your power! It's in you and the potential that's staring you in the face! Get a hobby, join a sport or club, join a gym, sign up for a race! FTG(irl). Who needs her. You (and I) will look back on this experience and ask WHY we wasted this heartache on people who so clearly don't deserve us!

 

Really. You are lucky to be a dad, a guy with a job, a young guy, healthy, with opportunities all around. Carpe diem. Good luck! Chin up!

Edited June 21, 2013 by thecharade

[findingnemo]

So it's been a rough couple days and I felt like it was time to journal/write again...regardless of response it helps.

 

For some reason I've really been depressed past few days. Been a few months since anything physical, and the LC has changed so much....the EA has fallen away, and it almost feels as if even the friendship is beginning to...like a door is closing. She may not feel that way, but I feel and see it that way. What our glue was....well, that was the connection...and with the boundaries we have...well, that closeness isn't there. I'm depressed as hell because I miss that connection. I miss the conversation, the closeness.

 

So...i took a long walk tonight...while out walking...I asked myself "WTH"!!! Why am I holding onto some small shred of hope that this person I claim as my soulmate will eventually be around...why cling to some 1% or less? So I continue walking...telling myself that it is completely stupid. Even if she is that great, she isn't available, and I'm so madly in love with her that it's just destroying me.

 

i'm further depressed because I want that relationship with someone. I want to marry my best friend and I just see NO opportunities to meet people. I work with all guys and I'm a single parent. No opportunity or circumstance to even meet someone. It depresses the hell out of me.

 

But anyways...trying to hold onto this clarity of thought i had...and even being alone forever I guess would be better than daily torture...at least thats my current thought.

 

Here's a response that will be different. Let me first say that I know exactly how you feel. It is very frustrating to love someone who you can't have. It is something that's out of your control and can seem unfair especially if you know that the person loves you but still chooses another path.

 

Having said that.... You talk about clarity. By nature, you always have clarity. We humans simply bury it under all sorts of self-induced problems. What I mean is this. You are a single father, good looking, you have a good heart and are willing to work for every penny you have. You can actually take care of yourself and family and make everybody including yourself comfortable and content.

 

The only problem is that YOU have decided somehow that without HER or without the one true love, you are missing something. Bear with me a bit. YOU have decided that unless you are in love and with the person you love who must fit x, y, z, criteria, YOU will not be happy. When did you make that decision? If you're like me you will have no idea when or even how you came to that conclusion. If you examine your thoughts, you will find that this problem was identified as such by yourself and no one else.

 

So you need to change your thinking. She is lovely and you love her. That's a great thing. She loves you or not. Whatever the case, she has chosen the path that makes her happy. Because you love her, you want her to be happy, right? If so, then that's sorted. She must be happy since she still chooses to be where she is.

 

As for you, whether or not she changes her mind, you will always find her special. If she decided today to come be with you, you would be elated but eventually you would get used to having her there. The rest of your life will go on as usual. You will be happy sometimes, sad, irritated, ecstatic, etc. When times are hard, you will work on a solution and in the interim enjoy your life. At the end of the day, it will be up to you to decide not to be depressed, not to be frustrated or angry with whatever situation exists.

 

You can have this attitude right now. You don't need her to be happy. You don't need anybody to make you happy because it is not possible. Every time you find yourself missing her, feeling sad about your friendship, remember that it is what you are thinking that is actually creating the sadness, the depression. It isn't something she did or something that has happened recently. You are simply repeating the painful process of loss again and again because it is the only way you know how to maintain a connection with her.

 

Lose that connection. Be willing to let it go. After all, you both had an affair. What you really want is a real R. Think about the positives if you must think of her at all. Block the negatives out of your mind as much as you can. The positives will at least put a smile on your face. As time goes on, thinking of her will not be depressing anymore. That's how one lets go.

 

I hope I am being clear. I'm typing fast because I have to get into a meeting. The key here is you and how you feel about things. Your thoughts and impressions create your feelings. Change your thinking. See her in a different light and you will feel better. Regarding a new future love, now why would one get depressed about something that doesn't exist? When you think of future love, just know whoever she is, she is out there. It could be anybody. You can meet her anywhere. Heck it could even be MW.

[skywriter]

Oh, I am so sorry. I believe there are many of us that can relate all too well to your pain. When a painful breakup occurs and you perceive rejection, it really gives both your self-esteem and your view of your life the one two punch. The rejection seems to alter our view about everything in our lives! But that's just it, it's merely a false perception of hopelessness. You are going to need to do some real work and dig deep if you want to pull yourself up and out instead of wallowing. I searched every website I could find on how to survive a breakup. I found some great ones that really helped adjust my thinking and get my thoughts into a more positive trajectory. And the main, MAIN "tactic" for me has been to counter every negative mood with an intentional positive action for myself. A walk, an ice cream cone, a movie. I love me! I don't need some lame *ss to make me feel great! I know what I love to do, and when I'm feeling crumby I take the time to do it. For myself!

 

She can't take the power of your life unless you let her! You have a lot of love to give! A single dad? There is nothing more powerful and sexy and responsible and big hearted than that! You rock! Some woman is going to be damn lucky to hook someone as fundamentally good hearted as you obviously are. She was needy and used you. Get angry! Find your power! It's in you and the potential that's staring you in the face! Get a hobby, join a sport or club, join a gym, sign up for a race! FTG(irl). Who needs her. You (and I) will look back on this experience and ask WHY we wasted this heartache on people who so clearly don't deserve us!

 

Really. You are lucky to be a dad, a guy with a job, a young guy, healthy, with opportunities all around. Carpe diem. Good luck! Chin up!

 

 

This is a wonderful post and it mirrors my experience in how I went about in healing emotionally and moving on from my A. I am so much happier to half that part of my life behind me.

 

It truly was precious time wasted. When you get involved with a single person you'll realise this even more.

[zevahc]

Here's a response that will be different. Let me first say that I know exactly how you feel. It is very frustrating to love someone who you can't have. It is something that's out of your control and can seem unfair especially if you know that the person loves you but still chooses another path.

 

Having said that.... You talk about clarity. By nature, you always have clarity. We humans simply bury it under all sorts of self-induced problems. What I mean is this. You are a single father, good looking, you have a good heart and are willing to work for every penny you have. You can actually take care of yourself and family and make everybody including yourself comfortable and content.

 

The only problem is that YOU have decided somehow that without HER or without the one true love, you are missing something. Bear with me a bit. YOU have decided that unless you are in love and with the person you love who must fit x, y, z, criteria, YOU will not be happy. When did you make that decision? If you're like me you will have no idea when or even how you came to that conclusion. If you examine your thoughts, you will find that this problem was identified as such by yourself and no one else.

 

So you need to change your thinking. She is lovely and you love her. That's a great thing. She loves you or not. Whatever the case, she has chosen the path that makes her happy. Because you love her, you want her to be happy, right? If so, then that's sorted. She must be happy since she still chooses to be where she is.

 

As for you, whether or not she changes her mind, you will always find her special. If she decided today to come be with you, you would be elated but eventually you would get used to having her there. The rest of your life will go on as usual. You will be happy sometimes, sad, irritated, ecstatic, etc. When times are hard, you will work on a solution and in the interim enjoy your life. At the end of the day, it will be up to you to decide not to be depressed, not to be frustrated or angry with whatever situation exists.

 

You can have this attitude right now. You don't need her to be happy. You don't need anybody to make you happy because it is not possible. Every time you find yourself missing her, feeling sad about your friendship, remember that it is what you are thinking that is actually creating the sadness, the depression. It isn't something she did or something that has happened recently. You are simply repeating the painful process of loss again and again because it is the only way you know how to maintain a connection with her.

 

Lose that connection. Be willing to let it go. After all, you both had an affair. What you really want is a real R. Think about the positives if you must think of her at all. Block the negatives out of your mind as much as you can. The positives will at least put a smile on your face. As time goes on, thinking of her will not be depressing anymore. That's how one lets go.

 

I hope I am being clear. I'm typing fast because I have to get into a meeting. The key here is you and how you feel about things. Your thoughts and impressions create your feelings. Change your thinking. See her in a different light and you will feel better. Regarding a new future love, now why would one get depressed about something that doesn't exist? When you think of future love, just know whoever she is, she is out there. It could be anybody. You can meet her anywhere. Heck it could even be MW.

 

Thank you nemo...different response...but helpful perspective...it is making me think...

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm sorry, but what is LC? I didn't see it (or the acronym MLC) in the pinned note in the forum, so I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry for your difficulties. If what you had with her truly has died, there's nothing you can really do.

 

Take time to heal; even if you did have the opportunity to meet other people, now is not the time to jump into another relationship. Take some time to grieve, to reflect on all that's happened, to forgive yourself, and her, for what has occurred. In short, focus on you. What do you need to be happy, with yourself? Focus on yourself, your kids, work, hobbies, etc. It may take awhile, but you'll feel better, you'll be stronger. With time, you'll meet someone who is right for you. I wish you luck.

[zevahc]

I'm sorry, but what is LC? I didn't see it (or the acronym MLC) in the pinned note in the forum, so I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, I'm so sorry for your difficulties. If what you had with her truly has died, there's nothing you can really do.

 

Take time to heal; even if you did have the opportunity to meet other people, now is not the time to jump into another relationship. Take some time to grieve, to reflect on all that's happened, to forgive yourself, and her, for what has occurred. In short, focus on you. What do you need to be happy, with yourself? Focus on yourself, your kids, work, hobbies, etc. It may take awhile, but you'll feel better, you'll be stronger. With time, you'll meet someone who is right for you. I wish you luck.

 

What I have hasn't died. It's just not going to go anywhere. It's very much still there as far as feeling.

 

Suggestion is still valid. Take time to heal.

[JustAReformedGirl]

What I have hasn't died. It's just not going to go anywhere. It's very much still there as far as feeling.

 

Suggestion is still valid. Take time to heal.

 

It hasn't died for you, but has it died for her? Sorry, I get the impression I'm missing part of the story. Was there another thread you created that explains the full thing?

[zevahc]

It hasn't died for you, but has it died for her? Sorry, I get the impression I'm missing part of the story. Was there another thread you created that explains the full thing?

 

Not completely. While its very very infrequent, she still slips some. She last weekend text and said she missed me while I was out of town and has once in the past 3 weeks said I luv u. But she can't walk from her marriage for a few reasons. I suspect its fine, just they have the roommate syndrome. He's a good person. She made a commitment. So she chose him and I need to be fine with it. I wasn't really a choice. She can't walk without guilt without trying she said. I have to agree. So yeah. Our feelings aren't dead. Just they need to be shoved in a hole and buried.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Not completely. While its very very infrequent, she still slips some. She last weekend text and said she missed me while I was out of town and has once in the past 3 weeks said I luv u. But she can't walk from her marriage for a few reasons. I suspect its fine, just they have the roommate syndrome. He's a good person. She made a commitment. So she chose him and I need to be fine with it. I wasn't really a choice. She can't walk without guilt without trying she said. I have to agree. So yeah. Our feelings aren't dead. Just they need to be shoved in a hole and buried.

 

It sounds like it's hurting her as much as it's hurting you. It's good that you're trying to do the right thing, by giving her space to try and work things out in her marriage.

 

Still, I can understand why it's been so painful; sure, there's a chance that, if things don't work in her marriage, you two might have a shot. But, there's also a chance that things do work out in the marriage, or even if they don't, you might not necessarily wind up together.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your situation; it can be very isolating. I hope you find solace, knowing other people have gone through the same, and survived; that they are recovering, or even truly happy in their lives. One day, I'm sure you'll be happy again, too. Stay strong.

[zevahc]

It sounds like it's hurting her as much as it's hurting you. It's good that you're trying to do the right thing, by giving her space to try and work things out in her marriage.

 

Still, I can understand why it's been so painful; sure, there's a chance that, if things don't work in her marriage, you two might have a shot. But, there's also a chance that things do work out in the marriage, or even if they don't, you might not necessarily wind up together.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your situation; it can be very isolating. I hope you find solace, knowing other people have gone through the same, and survived; that they are recovering, or even truly happy in their lives. One day, I'm sure you'll be happy again, too. Stay strong.

 

Thank you....i know this is true...it's that strong desire to be there without having to walk the long road....If I could see the end it would be much more comforting...

[JustAReformedGirl]

Thank you....i know this is true...it's that strong desire to be there without having to walk the long road....If I could see the end it would be much more comforting...

 

You're welcome. That's a feeling I'm sure most would agree they are familiar with. If only we could know what to expect. I guess all we really have on our sides is hope. Hope that things will turn out as they should, and that we'll be better, happier people for it.