I feel like a dork and a coward.

[Prustaq]

Alright, before I get started, I'm going to say that I'm a sophomore in high school living in South-Central Texas and I guess everything I have trouble with probably all seems old and way too cliche.

 

In the past couple of months I just started to feel unhappy about my social life. I have never been on a date, never had a girlfriend, and honestly don't feel like any of my friends are close in the kind of way that I could really talk to them about something important, so here I am, asking for help from some strangers.

 

Pretty much all of the girls I go to class with that know my name only know it because they heard it on the roll call for a while already, and if they know anything more about me it's probably from hearing me talk with someone else or that I'm "the smart kid" or "the nerd" because I get pretty good grades in my classes. It seems impossible for me to work up the courage to even say hi, and I often catch myself staring at them fantasizing being able to talk to them confidently or a possible relationship. Then they look over and see me staring and I do the natural thing, look away quickly and they seem to hate me more because of it.

 

I don't consider myself good looking at all, but like once or twice when I was waiting for a bus or something I was just sitting there and a girl I don't know comes up to me looking embarrased or something becuase she's probably thinking that I'm that cool person that plays it smooth and has a James Bond kind of charm, but the conversation goes like this:

Her: Hey.

Me(mumbling): Hi.

I then just stand there with her looking at me like she's waiting for me to start the conversation off but I just can't think of a single thing to say. So I kind of try to avoid eye contact but eventually she realizes that I have no idea how to talk to a girl or maybe she thinks that I'm a complete and total ass and she just leaves.

 

I can think of at least ten things to say right now but when I get put on the spot I'm just clueless as to what to say. All my friends seem to be able to do fine and just talk like they're just another friend and I know that's how it's supposed to be but I just can't do it. Most of my friends are starting relationships or just flirting or teasing with some girls they know but I seem to be unable to even talk about the weather.

 

I feel like all the girls at my school are laughing behind my back about me and I know for sure of at least one who does so.

 

I guess I have a bunch of friends at school, but pretty much all of them are other guys. With my buds I can pretty much just talk about anything: video games, cars, sports, movies, politics, whatever. Except I think that when I first met them I tried to act stupid/funny to get attention or something so nobody thinks I can take anything seriously at all and I hate that.

 

In some of my classes I sit by a bunch of people I don't know and I cannot think of a single thing to say. All I can think to do is just sit there, not saying a word unless someone asks me something about if we have a test or what something means because I had already been classified as "the smart kid/nerd" because I get good grades and don't say much to them.

 

I feel like I am ugly. I'm afraid to put my picture up on the internet that someone will tell me that I do look ugly and I feel like that would just make me feel worse. All I know is that I'm not beating off the ladies with a stick. I don't know who I can ask about this and I don't want someone telling me I look good just to make me feel better about myself.

 

I am of Irish and Scandinavian descent, and it shows. I have the palest skin out of anybody I know, and I don't tan, I just get redder and sunburn very easily. Living where I live in South-Central Texas where a lot of the people are hispanic and the people who are white are tan, I have been insulted many times about my skin color.

 

I don't like the way I dress, and I can't afford or have any idea how to dress better. I don't like having a brand name across my chest and I have no idea what kinds of clothes go good with others. As of right now my entire wardrobe consists of 5-6 pairs of blue jeans and 5-7 short-sleeved, solid color T-shirts, all of which I bought from Target, Wal-Mart, or Goodwill. I see the other guys with the plaid kind of stuff or the cool shirts and I just don't know where or how I can get that kind of thing.

 

I don't have any hobbies. I'm not athletic enough or have good enough hand-eye coordination to play sports, I have zero artistic talent, I don't know anything about computers except what it takes to get on the internet or play games, and I can't find anywhere to get a job until I turn 16 in like, 11 months. Thanks to some weird school-boundary splitting, I don't live anywhere near walking distance to a friend's house, and when I try to get some of us together to go see a movie or something most of my friends usually can't do it because they're dong something else, leaving me to sit at home with pretty much nothing to do.

 

But that's just whining. What I meant to be saying was that I spend most of the time I'm not at school at home, and I just feel like I want something to do, with other people. But I'm still terrified of being with large groups of strangers that already know each other because I feel like I'm just getting in their way and feel rejected.

 

I honestly feel jealous of those people who can just walk up to a total stranger or group of people they don't know and get invited to a party, or that can talk to a girl and get a number easily.

 

I'm sorry I wrote so much, but this is honestly the first time I told anyone about this at all.

[whichwayisup]

Hmmm...Well my dear, you did an excellent job beating up on yourself...SO STOP IT! lol. So much of what you are feeling is low self confidence. I don't know how old you are, you didn't say but everyone goes through what you are going through now. Don't be so hard on yourself!

 

This is where mind control comes into play. You need to do this. Yes, it is corny but it DOES work!! I know someone right now who is helping out a friend of theirs by emailing them daily, positives only to make them feel good...She has stickies all over her house with various quotes of how nice she is, how beautiful she is and how what a wonderful, strong person she is. This is helping her with her self esteem issues. (She just got out of an extremely brutal abuse relationship so we are rebuilding her mind, teaching it to be more positive.)

 

This can work for you! The look in the mirror thing. Tell yourself you are good looking, confident, strong and funny! Do some research on this on the net, read about the power of the mind and how positive energy can definately help your confidence.

 

Set up rules for yourself, like every Tuesday I will Smile at a girl nicely and just keep walking down the hall. People will notice you and the confidence!!

 

When I was younger and in school there was a girl who was very large. But she had so many friends and always had a boyfriend. Boggled my mind because I wondered why she had the boys and I didn't! Yes, I was stupid, young and immature...Green with envy...Ego hurt, whatever...But I realized it was her self confidence. She felt GOOD about herself, and it showed to others. She also couldn't give a rats ass what people thought of her either so I think that played into it as well. I was shy, insecure and quiet. I was always the nice one, the 'one of the guys' girl in the group- Good Ol' miss reliable-with big shoulders for everyone to cry on etc...Guys just didn't dig me that way. I was pretty, but I just didn't feel it. My negative attitude came out and that is what everyone picked up on!!!

 

So, do you see what I am saying? You need to be good to yourself and feel good too. Talk to your closest guy friends and see what they can do to help you. If they laugh or won't help ya, then come back here and we'll work on some more ideas!!!

 

Good luck Prustag and post back soon!

 

WWIU

[Dakini]

First – don’t feel bad about talking to perfect strangers – the most important thing is that you are opening up to somebody. I think that is very emotionally mature – something that I wish I could have done at your age.

 

Second, everything that you are feeling is completely normal. Everyone at your age, for the most part (15 yrs, 1 month right?), is trying to please others and fit in. Trust me, when a girl is walking away from you or catching you looking at her, she is probably equally as embarrassed as you. She is probably wondering what she did wrong! She likely feels that she is the big loser!

 

Also, you mention your physical appearance a lot – it seems that this is something that feeds into your negative self-image. Instead of thinking with the status quo, think outside the box. Your differences can be an asset! In a place where everyone has tan skin, it’s nice to meet someone who doesn’t. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and skin colors. WWIU is right! It’s all about your own self-image that you are projecting outward. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

 

Oh – and the people that laugh at you behind your back – it is those people who are in pain themselves. They may be laughing at you – but you must always be the bigger person and have empathy for them. Think beyond the immediate moment and ask: why does this person feel the need within herself to laugh like this at another person? She is obviously masking some hidden pain within herself. Only people who are terribly insecure with themselves, as a result of an abusive home situation, not feeling love from others, feeling rejection themselves etc. – you may never really know – but the anguish they are expressing is their anger and pain misdirected at you - someone who happened to be the target of their pain that day… remember – it is not you with the problem – it is them.

 

Enough with the preaching, though. Here is some practical advice:

 

1. Habit breaking through Acting or role play.

When you are feeling shy or unable to speak freely, really imagine that you are someone (a friend you admire, a celebrity) who is happy and outgoing. When you wish you were spontaneous and funny, imagine a person that is and then act like they would act. Though this may seem silly at first, after you do it for a while, it becomes natural and a part of you – to the point where you are no longer acting. All those things that were difficult before seem easier – because you have done them before – even if you were acting.

 

2. Shopping

A great place to find cool cloths is at department store sales. The prices of shirts etc. are usually around the price of a target shirt on these sale days. Often, the department stores like Dillards, Goldsmiths, rich’s, Macy’s etc. will have one day sales, or season ending sales (often on Wednesdays or weekends.) Also, there are often coupons in the paper for 15% off. Also, if you don’t have access to brick and mortar stores, go online to such stores as Gap, Urban Outfitters, Abercrombie & Fitch, American eagle, and Express men. These on-line stores almost all have sale areas where merchandise is often 50% off. For fashion and what looks good, just browse some magazines (GQ, Men’s Health) and actually look at what the models are wearing in certain advertisements. When looking at these, don’t just mimic them – pick out what you like and dislike (like logos). This will help you establish your own personal sense of style.

Lastly, what gives me a little extra confidence and sex appeal is perfume – for you obviously cologne. Go to the department store and find one you like. DON’T buy it there – way too expensive. Go online or to Walgreens and get the knockoff fragrances. I always like a man with a good (but not overdone) cologne. Very sexy!

 

3. Develop your hobbies

you say you are not good at things – but I don’t believe you! You just haven’t fostered and developed your talents / likes yet. Find something you like and put aside half an hour a day to pursue it. It will not only fill your time, but will also make you a more interesting person and thus more appealing to people. It might also be good for you to participate in a group activity so you can get to know your peers outside of school – like martial arts class, choir at the local youth group at your place or worship, soccer, or even just throwing on a pair of tennis shoes and run or bike. many of these places, especially churches, YMCA's etc. have discounted rates etc. if finances are a difficulty for you.

 

I sincerely hope these help – let me know how it goes.

 

-D

 

PS: always wear sun-screen!

[goodnbad]

Looks to me like you are focusing way too much on the negative side. You MUST find those positive things about yourself if you want to be what you crave to be. The negatives are dragging you down.

 

You sound so much like I used to: looking for, heck, digging for, anything that made me feel unattractive and unwanted. I would criticize my clothing, my looks, my lack of fitness, lack of friends.....and was so busy wallowing in that, there was just no way I was gonna come out.

 

I think what you need is some little moments to recognize your worth. Maybe enrol in a course that really interests you. Not something that will necessarily be of financial/educational benefit but something that you truly have a love of. It will put you in a position to talk about something you feel deeply about.

 

You say you are the class clown? Maybe you do this to hide your fear or shyness or to show that you are not uncomfortable when you really are. But you know, people might be seeing you as someone who is too, well, silly (read: immature) and perhaps not worthy of deep, serious conversation? I hope that didn't hurt your feelings, I don't know you personally of course, I was just musing about some of those 'clowns' I've met through the years and my own impressions. Again, though, some clowns are also downright funny, but there is a time and a place....and a limit. Is it possible that you are using humour to avoid any personal/more intimate situations?

 

As for your clothing, where you buy it doesn't matter unless you are telling everyone you see that you are buying clothes from GoodWill. Stuff the pride and buy where you want. You can buy some top names at GoodWill (I should know! Some of my fav shirts come from there!). Okay, I admit, I don't like being spotted in there, but the bargains! Man, it's worth it! If you are concerned about your 'image' in your usual clothes, check out some catalogues and get a feel for what you could wear. Buy one or two items.....or better still, ask someone for advice on what might look good on you. Trust me, ask a woman (friend, salesgirl, whatever) for clothes advice, you will get it!

 

You really sound like an intelligent person and a caring one to boot, so you've already got a few qualities that so many these days are lacking. You just need to come out of your shell a little bit. Heck, you are still pretty young, too, and time will solve a lot of your problems, too, I think.

 

Try to surround yourself with those you admire and avoid the negative people like the plague. And as for those like that chick that make fun of you behind your back, she's just being a b*tch. You're gonna run into those type on occasion no matter who you are. Consider her below your notice.

 

Good luck and I hope you get those positive thoughts going.

 

Take care.

 

goodnbad

[Prustaq]

I would like to really say thanks to all you that posted here. After reading what you said and thinking over it, I realized that most of what I was complaining of wasn't important or something I just exaggerated so I could just hate myself more. I don't know, I guess I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote all this.

 

I'm trying to join some clubs or take some classes to find some stuff I like to do(guitar lessons look pretty interesting), but I still haven't found a way to go shopping for clothes. I want it to be known that I have the fashion sense of a brick, have no clue what looks good, and have been asked "You're wearing that with that?" more than one time. My experience with clothes is somewhere around "shirt go top, pants go legs". I can't find a way to get someone with a "queer eye" or who is simply a woman to help me find something, and I can't find a place where they set you up with clothes that doesn't charge a hundred kabillion dollars for a pair of socks.

 

I still feel really nervous around strangers/people I don't know too well or girls of any kind that I can't talk about things I'm comfortable talking about(TV, movies, politics to some extent, etc) , and wet my pants when one of these "girls" talks to me. I think what happens is I'm scared of making a bad first impression, so I try to make no impression and just don't talk to anyone and make an even worse impression than I would have if I had said something in the first place. I have talked to a girl for more than 10 seconds a grand total of 1 time since I last posted. Let me explain.

 

I had known this girl, who we'll call "Megan", all throughout middle school. I can honestly say that I don't really remember how much we talked (okay, that's a lie. I talked to her, but it was more of a "casual friend" thing than anything else. I don't know. Maybe I still believed in cooties back then.) Anyway, thanks to unlucky class scheduling and some other coincidences, I have talked to her maybe 1-4 times since high school started (I'm a sophomore). She happens to also be in the after-school volunteer group thing I joined, and just as a friend and I were discussing the finer points of Steven Seagal movies, she sits down next to us. My friend knows her a lot better than I do, and the conversation turns to less-Seagal oriented topics, mainly him teasing her. I, meanwhile, have no idea what to say, and "Megan" must have noticed that, because this is what she said:

Her: So, [Name deleted for my protection], how've you been doing?

Me: Uhh... good.

What a smooth talker I am. Anyway, the person who was talking started talking, and after he was done we all left. I don't even say bye to her. Dammit, I could have at least done that.

 

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. I tried some of the stuff that you all suggested I should do to be able to speak more freely, but I just can't think of what to say. I end up clueless on how to contribute to a conversation between other people and just stay out of it. Whenever someone I don't know to well or any at all it takes all of my efforts to think of stuff to say, and I stutter or don't sound like I have any emotion in what I say. I also mumble a lot. I think this is what I mainly feel bad about. Is there some kind of way of coaching or something to help me with this? Or is it just natural or what?

[jesusfist]

I went through the same thing okay, what you need to do is just be yourself, dont change to fit in because it'll never work trust me. Hobbies/clothes etc, you probably just need to put in serious effort to go out and find new things that suit you, dont give up because that never got anyone anything. Your athletic ability? tried going to the gym or buying some weights?, it not only makes you stronger,healthy,better looking, but gives you greater self confidence <worked for me

I believe that exercise is just as important as eating, you've got to do it.

 

That bus stop incident, okay put simply. How can you talk with someone you dont know anything about, your able to talk with your buddies about cars etc because you know what they're into. So thats what you've got to talk about. Ask a girl what her hobbies are, what she does, where shes heading etc and get to know them, show a girl that your interested in getting to know who they are and that you are a decent guy.

 

Anywho, good luck buddy, always remember you've literally got the balls to do anything lol and if something backfires learn from your mistakes.

[goodnbad]

Yep, I'm with jesusfist on this one!

 

Get the other person to talk about themselves: ask them whatever. What do you think of this? What do you think of that? Most confident people love to talk about themselves. Compliment them on something (but be sincere). Tell a joke. Heck, even start out with a comment about the weather......whatever.

 

I think you are way too concerned about being the life of the party. There is nothing wrong with being a somewhat quiet person. But being a quiet and yet thoughtful and interesting person will draw more people to you. Sure, you may already be thoughtful and interesting but you gotta talk to others for them to see it, too!

 

Best wishes!

 

goodnbad

[DazednConfused]

Hi Prustag,

 

I only have a minute, but will do a better job tomorrow..... I have one thing for you to consider...

 

Girls are scary. Rejection sucks, it's true. But there is one thing for you to always keep in mind..... You will fail at everything you don't try. You will never improve anything you don't practice.

 

Those girls that are making you all nervous and causing your brain-freeze.... are just as insecure as you. Further, they share many of the same fears about you as you do about them.

 

A little smile and normal speech will go a long way. I promise. Don't be cool, or smooth if that isn't your style, just talk with them and listen to what they have to say. They will appreciate it.

 

Oh, and by the way, if your grades have been fine, and you handle your responsibilities, my friend, you've got the goods! You will get more than your share.

 

-Dazed