What it's like to be the OW

[C00kie]

(sorry about possibly bad english)

 

Being the OW is to believe, to hope, to love wanting to be loved.

 

Is to expect a phone call, an e-mail, an sms, for hours or even days, is to agonise while waiting and rejoice when it finally happens as a beggar rejoices with a penny.

 

Is to hold on to words when actions tell you nothing.

 

Is to fall asleep crying, is oscillating between moments of extreme happiness and moments of rock bottom.

 

Is to over analyse every word, every action, in hope that it all makes sense.

 

Is not being able to talk to anyone about feelings, except one or two (at most) good friends.

 

Is being blind, as we can't see what seems obvious to everyone else.

 

Is fantasizing about his life, is to see photos of the couple on social networks and, through their smiles, imagine happiness, love and a commitment that will make you feel small once again.

 

Is to feel you have to be understanding to the limit, because you know that the minimum requirement can make him step back. Is feeling that even if you're the best person you can be, you can and probably will lose.

 

Is to be faithful without expecting the same thing in return.

 

Is to deal with someone who is outraged by the smallest things (triggered by jealousy, insecurity) even if there's no reason, but finds it difficult to tolerate our desperation and completely justified (and you would hope understandeable) crisis.

 

Is to not be able to share a mall victory of your day at the time you wish.

 

Is being down and needing a shoulder that will only be there for you when the time suits him.

 

Is not being sure whether you're being too demanding and impatient or if he's really leading you on.

 

It's being afraid.

It's sad and I'll remember many, many more after I've posted.

 

I love him so much.

I need to get out.

[C00kie]

Sorry. I'm sure plenty of people posted things like these before. Just wanted to get it out. Having a bad day.

Oh well...

[Goodbye]

Sorry. I'm sure plenty of people posted things like these before. Just wanted to get it out. Having a bad day.

Oh well...

 

 

Cookie,

 

I can relate all too well to the bi-polar feelings of being the OW. The rapid cycling of emotions is exhausting. Just last night I made myself a nice dinner, sat down to relax in front of a movie, thought it was going to be a calm night and spent hours sobbing over the feelings of loneliness.

 

It isn't a fun roller coaster anymore. I've been NC for over a month...I want a break from this. I want some peace. I hope you find some too.

[AutumnRose1974]

I've been an OW for 8 years to the same man and, quite frankly, I used to be able to relate to this list, but I realized finally that the only way to be in a relationship like that is this:

 

~ No matter WHAT the status of it, remember that he is not "yours" no matter how much you want him to be. You are not allowed to be jealous, possessive, or demanding of his time and, if you are, you run the risk that he will leave you and find another woman who is more secure in herself and understanding of his situation when it comes to balancing his time between his wife/domestic partner (the guy I am involved with is in a domestic partnership, not a marriage), work, free time, and you. Being demanding and letting my emotions rule me was a mistake I made so many times with him and the fact that there is a 34-year age difference between us put me at a further disadvantage, because he is at an age where he doesn't have to put up with anyone's BS, especially not from one young enough to be his daughter. He is also retired from the USPS, works 40 hours/week as an apartment leasing consultant, plus bowls in 2 leagues, teaches private Karate lessons, and works as a DJ. Plus his mother is 92 years old, and she comes first over everything and everybody else in his life. So, how dare I put the pressure on him to put time with me first?

 

~ Cultivate a full life, one that has nothing whatsoever to do with him. This way you won't be "agonizing while waiting" for that communication or visit. Wasting your precious life pining over him while he is off living his life is a pathetic waste of time you will never get back. Aside from working 40 hours/week, I bicycle for exercise (riding at least 25 miles at a time, several times/week), I contra dance several times/month (which is also a major social outlet), and I have a voracious appetite for developing my mind and spirit along with my body. That way, when he does come over, we have something to talk about that is far more interesting, substantial and POSITIVE than how many tears I've cried since the last time we saw each other (because I don't cry for him).

 

~ Take what he says as the truth, even when you know it isn't. I'm in the position right now where he is telling me that he is completely single after he and his gf broke up last year, but I know for a fact that he has moved back in with her. But am I going to say anything? Absolutely not. We've just come back into contact after being estranged for over a year, and the intimacy has been awesome, so no way in hell am I going to rock the boat. I wouldn't be his gf anyway - I am not looking for a "relationship" with anyone (I am actually in favor of open relationships, plus I am too busy to devote my time exclusively to one person to the detriment of my personal pursuits), plus I already know he has a tendency to play fast and loose with the truth. This way, I don't have to worry about his absences due to his being "busy", because given that I am his OW, NOT his gf, they are none of my business.

 

In short, I just go on with my life and think, when he wants to see me, he will make the effort. He's far from being the only egg in my basket. I would have a full, satisfying life even if he wasn't in it.

Edited June 21, 2013 by AutumnRose1974

[SweetiePie12]

(sorry about possibly bad english)

 

Being the OW is to believe, to hope, to love wanting to be loved.

 

Is to expect a phone call, an e-mail, an sms, for hours or even days, is to agonise while waiting and rejoice when it finally happens as a beggar rejoices with a penny.

 

This is not my experience at all. He calls, emails, & texts me all the time.

 

Is to fall asleep crying

 

To the contrary, when he comes around, which is quite often, I sleep like a baby, all through the night.

 

Is to not be able to share a mall victory of your day at the time you wish.

 

Isn't that true with everyone? Like, if he's on the toilet, yes, I have to wait

 

I am sorry you're hurting. Does not sound like a healthy situation at all!

 

You only live once, so get to it!

[letmoc]

Yes he calls all of the time because he hasn't been caught yet. From my experience that changes once they do.

[Summer Breeze]

(sorry about possibly bad english)

 

Being the OW is to believe, to hope, to love wanting to be loved.

 

Is to expect a phone call, an e-mail, an sms, for hours or even days, is to agonise while waiting and rejoice when it finally happens as a beggar rejoices with a penny.

 

Is to hold on to words when actions tell you nothing.

 

Is to fall asleep crying, is oscillating between moments of extreme happiness and moments of rock bottom.

 

Is to over analyse every word, every action, in hope that it all makes sense.

 

Is not being able to talk to anyone about feelings, except one or two (at most) good friends.

 

Is being blind, as we can't see what seems obvious to everyone else.

 

Is fantasizing about his life, is to see photos of the couple on social networks and, through their smiles, imagine happiness, love and a commitment that will make you feel small once again.

 

Is to feel you have to be understanding to the limit, because you know that the minimum requirement can make him step back. Is feeling that even if you're the best person you can be, you can and probably will lose.

 

Is to be faithful without expecting the same thing in return.

 

Is to deal with someone who is outraged by the smallest things (triggered by jealousy, insecurity) even if there's no reason, but finds it difficult to tolerate our desperation and completely justified (and you would hope understandeable) crisis.

 

Is to not be able to share a mall victory of your day at the time you wish.

 

Is being down and needing a shoulder that will only be there for you when the time suits him.

 

Is not being sure whether you're being too demanding and impatient or if he's really leading you on.

 

It's being afraid.

It's sad and I'll remember many, many more after I've posted.

 

I love him so much.

I need to get out.

 

I do agree that you need to get out. You sound so sad and so out of control of your own life. You have given him all of the power over your life and you need it back. I didn't agree with everything AR1974 said but she is right that to keep your sanity you have to have your own life and it has nothing to do with him. You don't ask his permission. YOu don't tell him about it. You don't involve him in it at all. Whether you date or see friends it is yours. You need to make sure that he doesn't come before your life. If he calls and you have plans with friends you tell him you're sorry but you're not available. It's not your problem he can't get things planned ahead of time. It's not your job to be at his beck and call.

 

AR1974 spoke of not rocking the boat in case he found someone else. My thoughts? Rock away baby. If he thinks so little of you that he'll move on because you dared speak up for yourself, then jog on buddy!

 

Look at what you're allowing yourself to become in this R. It, and he, are more important than you. He isn't going to turn that around so it's up to you. You can't control what he does but you can control what you do.

 

Take care of yourself and let this place be a resource for you.

[Summer Breeze]

I've been an OW for 8 years to the same man and, quite frankly, I used to be able to relate to this list, but I realized finally that the only way to be in a relationship like that is this:

 

~ No matter WHAT the status of it, remember that he is not "yours" no matter how much you want him to be. You are not allowed to be jealous, possessive, or demanding of his time and, if you are, you run the risk that he will leave you and find another woman who is more secure in herself and understanding of his situation when it comes to balancing his time between his wife/domestic partner (the guy I am involved with is in a domestic partnership, not a marriage), work, free time, and you. Being demanding and letting my emotions rule me was a mistake I made so many times with him and the fact that there is a 34-year age difference between us put me at a further disadvantage, because he is at an age where he doesn't have to put up with anyone's BS, especially not from one young enough to be his daughter. He is also retired from the USPS, works 40 hours/week as an apartment leasing consultant, plus bowls in 2 leagues, teaches private Karate lessons, and works as a DJ. Plus his mother is 92 years old, and she comes first over everything and everybody else in his life. So, how dare I put the pressure on him to put time with me first?

I disagree. Anyone in any R has every right to be jealous, loving, and even possessive and demanding at times. Because the R is an A doesn't mean you aren't 'allowed' to feel things or behave in ways that are akin to any other R. Obviously any obsessive behaviors being the exceptions. If being human and having human emotions and reactions is going to have him flit off and find someone more secure then why would you want to have anything to do with him? You seem to waver between your R being a mutual FWB situation and you having some really deep feelings for him. Are you as secure in your emotional detachment as you want to be? He chose you to be involved in and you're saying you don't have the right to give him some BS? Life is full of people giving BS and if you're asking for time with him and such then I don't consider that BS. If he can't handle it he should go back to his GF and not have to deal with the BS of someone young enough to be his D.

 

~ Cultivate a full life, one that has nothing whatsoever to do with him. This way you won't be "agonizing while waiting" for that communication or visit. Wasting your precious life pining over him while he is off living his life is a pathetic waste of time you will never get back. Aside from working 40 hours/week, I bicycle for exercise (riding at least 25 miles at a time, several times/week), I contra dance several times/month (which is also a major social outlet), and I have a voracious appetite for developing my mind and spirit along with my body. That way, when he does come over, we have something to talk about that is far more interesting, substantial and POSITIVE than how many tears I've cried since the last time we saw each other (because I don't cry for him).

This is ridiculously healthy and I am very proud of you for most of this. I have to say that I wish you weren't stressing to do it so you can make sure and keep his life stress free. If he doesn't want stress don't cheat on your GF.

 

~ Take what he says as the truth, even when you know it isn't. I'm in the position right now where he is telling me that he is completely single after he and his gf broke up last year, but I know for a fact that he has moved back in with her. But am I going to say anything? Absolutely not. We've just come back into contact after being estranged for over a year, and the intimacy has been awesome, so no way in hell am I going to rock the boat. I wouldn't be his gf anyway - I am not looking for a "relationship" with anyone (I am actually in favor of open relationships, plus I am too busy to devote my time exclusively to one person to the detriment of my personal pursuits), plus I already know he has a tendency to play fast and loose with the truth. This way, I don't have to worry about his absences due to his being "busy", because given that I am his OW, NOT his gf, they are none of my business.

I'm sorry but I can't see why you would want to be around anyone that is knowingly lying to you. If he isn't telling you the truth why on earth would you want to be around him? Catch him in a lie and confront. Catch him in another and kick his a££ to the curb. Again I see you kind of sway from FWB to more. You deserve not to be lied to though.

 

In short, I just go on with my life and think, when he wants to see me, he will make the effort. He's far from being the only egg in my basket. I would have a full, satisfying life even if he wasn't in it.

 

I really struggled with this post. I can see what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense and a lot of it mirrored what I did as a OW but I feel you swinging from deep feelings to minimizing it to a FWB situation. Maybe that's how I'm reading it and I'm wrong.

 

You sound so strong in what you're doing in some respects but when you speak of not rocking the boat and having him leave for someone more secure in herself. Or you don't want to burden him with BS. At points you sound almost like a parent/child R in some aspects.

 

I'm not writing this to insult you at all. I really hope you have it all under control. Maybe I wanted to give you a couple of things to consider from an old lady who sees it from another perspective.

[AutumnRose1974]

 

Autumn Rose...I tried this and it only worked for, like, one month! I felt like the detached approach was as exhausting as the emotional one. Because it wasn't truthful. I wasn't able to practice the detachment because ATtachment was what I craved, and I couldn't fake my fabulousness any more. I was wretched. I didn't start out wanting any more than to be a sliver in his life. Over time, I grew jealous and needy.

 

The reason being detached comes so naturally for me is because he and I have had so many separations where we are not associating, and they all came about because of my being pushy and wanting more time than he could give me. Please note to all OW's: jealousy and neediness are NOT attractive to anyone!!! I'm actually more used to him NOT being in my life than I am him being there!

 

I was only 30 when we got involved, and very, very inexperienced in this realm. The last two separations have both been over a year each, and I wisely used that time to work on myself (more so this last time obviously!). Now at 38, I think I've finally got the formula right as to living a balanced life, regardless of whether or not I ever see him again.

 

FYI, a truly fabulous woman does not have to fake it, because she is living it every day, in every moment, and in everything she does. As I said above, jealousy and neediness detract more from anyone's attractiveness than people realize. Sometimes that's the very qualities that the man is trying to escape from in the woman he is really with, so why on this Earth we call home would you want to present those qualities to him??!!

 

If I want the man to come and see me, I text him, and then I leave it at that. I don't badger him with repeated requests, because over time they stop being requests and start becoming demands, no matter how sweetly they are presented. And THAT'S when he will decide to cut things off. So, I ask, and then say no more, and go on with my life as though I don't give a spit whether or not I see him again. I've tried this once already (we've only been having face-to-face contact since the end of May, and only twice at that), and it worked like a charm.

[C00kie]

Thanks for your answers, they were very comforting and I will surely think of the bst way to get trought this.

 

I'm just curious about something, so here goes a question for the OW - how often do you and your MM contact each other? Daily basis? More than once a day? Every other day, or...? Sometimes I think I tend to be a little clingy.

[AutumnRose1974]

Oh, you didn't insult me. Not at all. And we shall have to agree to disagree on a good many of your points. Such as the fact that I have some sort of "right" to give this man hell about our relationship. One thing he will run from is emotional drama of a negative bent (this comes in part from his Martial Arts training). Approaching him with a mature, respectful demeanor is one thing; attacking him or being passive-aggressive or an "emotional female" is another. And he and I had a discussion about that. He doesn't want any drama from me about our relationship because, as he said, I have CHOSEN to be in it; if I don't like the frequency of when he can get away to come and see me or the fact that he had a life BEFORE he met me, then I can choose to walk away.

 

I have chosen this approach because I went through years of doing the emotional twisting and turning as the OP described, and I have made the choice not to put myself through that anymore. For anyone. If my blog weren't set to Friends Only, I would give you the link and you could read my angst with regards to my relationship with this man for yourself. No, for me, my way is far the healthier one than the one the OP described.

 

I really struggled with this post. I can see what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense and a lot of it mirrored what I did as a OW but I feel you swinging from deep feelings to minimizing it to a FWB situation. Maybe that's how I'm reading it and I'm wrong.

 

You sound so strong in what you're doing in some respects but when you speak of not rocking the boat and having him leave for someone more secure in herself. Or you don't want to burden him with BS. At points you sound almost like a parent/child R in some aspects.

 

I'm not writing this to insult you at all. I really hope you have it all under control. Maybe I wanted to give you a couple of things to consider from an old lady who sees it from another perspective.

Edited June 21, 2013 by AutumnRose1974

[Goodbye]

Thanks for your answers, they were very comforting and I will surely think of the bst way to get trought this.

 

I'm just curious about something, so here goes a question for the OW - how often do you and your MM contact each other? Daily basis? More than once a day? Every other day, or...? Sometimes I think I tend to be a little clingy.

 

 

Before I went NC, my exMM and I would call each other daily (not usually on weekends due to his wife). We'd email many times throughout the day. Sometimes we'd stay on the phone for 2 to 3 hours at a time.

[So happy together]

Thanks for your answers, they were very comforting and I will surely think of the bst way to get trought this.

 

I'm just curious about something, so here goes a question for the OW - how often do you and your MM contact each other? Daily basis? More than once a day? Every other day, or...? Sometimes I think I tend to be a little clingy.

 

When I was in the A we spoke for at least an hour each morning, texted all day, spoke sometimes at lunch, then again at night for at least an hour.

 

After Dday and his subsequent departure six months ago, it's been about the same. Nothing much has changed as far as our communication goes.

 

We are long distance so we see one another every few weeks/month for four or five days.

[canuckprincess]

For me being the ow means being loved unconditionally! I have over the past 7.5 years tested the theory and I can say I am loved unconditionally.

[Sarabi]

For me being the ow means being loved unconditionally! I have over the past 7.5 years tested the theory and I can say I am loved unconditionally.

 

Well...good for you I suppose...?

7.5yrs? How could you stand it for this long? I couldn't quite manage a year.

For me...being the OW eventually stressed me out, pi$$€d me off, made me tearful and made me cry far too much, made me angry, made me feel worthless, made me feel rubbish, made me feel not good enough(for him or anyone), made me feel like God is definitely sending me to hell(well I am still waiting for this judgement)...made me feel just so...ugh! Made me compare myself to his wife too much and made me feel bad for her...but is it worth it.

If that is "love" then for me, love is a load of bo11ock$...that kind of "love" I was getting for me was pure rubbish.

 

...& he is still trying to contact me

So why can't they just f**k off back to their perfect families?

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well...good for you I suppose...?

7.5yrs? How could you stand it for this long? I couldn't quite manage a year.

For me...being the OW eventually stressed me out, pi$$€d me off, made me tearful and made me cry far too much, made me angry, made me feel worthless, made me feel rubbish, made me feel not good enough(for him or anyone), made me feel like God is definitely sending me to hell(well I am still waiting for this judgement)...made me feel just so...ugh! Made me compare myself to his wife too much and made me feel bad for her...but is it worth it.

If that is "love" then for me, love is a load of bo11ock$...that kind of "love" I was getting for me was pure rubbish.

 

...& he is still trying to contact me

So why can't they just f**k off back to their perfect families?

 

I couldn't do it, either. Of course, I'm not the OW. I briefly was, when my affair was about six months in; my AP started dating someone, but it ended quickly-unrelated to me. Long story.

 

Stay strong Sarabi; don't give in to him. You deserve better than that.

[Sarabi]

I couldn't do it, either. Of course, I'm not the OW. I briefly was, when my affair was about six months in; my AP started dating someone, but it ended quickly-unrelated to me. Long story.

 

Stay strong Sarabi; don't give in to him. You deserve better than that.

 

Your posts are full of good advice its hard not to want to give in but its a cycle that needs to be broken. Its just soooooooooo not worth any of the aggravation...

Thanks for the kind words though. You are really sweet x

[JustAReformedGirl]

Your posts are full of good advice its hard not to want to give in but its a cycle that needs to be broken. Its just soooooooooo not worth any of the aggravation...

Thanks for the kind words though. You are really sweet x

 

Given my own situation, I don't even know how I'm giving good advice, lol. But thank you. I guess it's easier when you're looking at someone else's situation. It's no trouble at all; we all need comfort, now and then.

[canuckprincess]

Well...good for you I suppose...?

7.5yrs? How could you stand it for this long? I couldn't quite manage a year.

For me...being the OW eventually stressed me out, pi$$€d me off, made me tearful and made me cry far too much, made me angry, made me feel worthless, made me feel rubbish, made me feel not good enough(for him or anyone), made me feel like God is definitely sending me to hell(well I am still waiting for this judgement)...made me feel just so...ugh! Made me compare myself to his wife too much and made me feel bad for her...but is it worth it.

If that is "love" then for me, love is a load of bo11ock$...that kind of "love" I was getting for me was pure rubbish.

 

...& he is still trying to contact me

So why can't they just f**k off back to their perfect families?

 

I guess it depends on how much love support and friendship you get from your ap, I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

[Sarabi]

I guess it depends on how much love support and friendship you get from your ap, I know I'm one of the lucky ones.

 

True about the support and friendship...but in the end, for me...where is luck if he is still married? just can't be arsed with it anymore and I wish he would just leave me alone.

I don't know about your partner...is he happy in the situation? Is he staying partnered up to save face or what? Does the situation satisfy you? Do you not want more? Do you not want to be a wife/girlfriend and not just an affair partner?

[SweetiePie12]

For me being the ow means being loved unconditionally! I have over the past 7.5 years tested the theory and I can say I am loved unconditionally.

 

Me, too. 13 months. He loves me warts and all and goes out of his way to show me so.

[SweetiePie12]

I don't know about your partner...is he happy in the situation? Is he staying partnered up to save face or what? Does the situation satisfy you?

 

Maybe in her case, as is in ours, she considers that his business, his part of life, one I personally wish not to hear about (he laughed when I belly ached recently; I guess just checking to see if I've changed my policy, LOL; nope!).

 

But, no, I don't know the answer to these questions. That's his other life, quite apart from ours.

[canuckprincess]

True about the support and friendship...but in the end, for me...where is luck if he is still married? just can't be arsed with it anymore and I wish he would just leave me alone.

I don't know about your partner...is he happy in the situation? Is he staying partnered up to save face or what? Does the situation satisfy you? Do you not want more? Do you not want to be a wife/girlfriend and not just an affair partner?

 

No he's not happy in the current situation, he loves two woman and in order to be truly happy he has to destroy one of us. So far he has stayed because it's all he's ever known. As for the situation satisfying me, yes and no. Yes because I get more time and communication from him then any other couple I've ever seen. As for the no part, I hate that I'm part of a couple that is knowingly hurting another human being. We seem to have convinced ourselves that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. We all know that's crap! I wish I could walk away, If need be I could give up the sex but there's no way I will give up the friendship and he feels the same way. This is not a short term booty call relationship this is much much more.

[Sarabi]

No he's not happy in the current situation, he loves two woman and in order to be truly happy he has to destroy one of us. So far he has stayed because it's all he's ever known. As for the situation satisfying me, yes and no. Yes because I get more time and communication from him then any other couple I've ever seen. As for the no part, I hate that I'm part of a couple that is knowingly hurting another human being. We seem to have convinced ourselves that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. We all know that's crap! I wish I could walk away, If need be I could give up the sex but there's no way I will give up the friendship and he feels the same way. This is not a short term booty call relationship this is much much more.

 

Awwww ok

Well. No one can force you or make you feel different and only you can make the decisions that are best for you.

I believed my "relationship" was so much more...but I just got fed up. I began to believe I meant nothing to him and his marriage means everything to him so got pi$$€d off and said I want out ...not that I think he's really getting the message...

Anyway. Who knows. If you are comfortable or happy with the situation and don't want it to change then good luck. Its very hard to break and get out...even when you think you're out. I think it takes a firmness and assertiveness that even I am not sure I possess...but anyway.

Good luck

[Sarabi]

By the way I apologise but I don't know why it adds emoticons to the titles of my posts...the little angry face...I didn't choose that.