ggas Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 It's my first time on LS so I'm not sure how these posts should look like. In any case here's my story. I'm a male in my mid 20s. I had plenty of partners so far and I never had sexual problems and I got rather good feedback from most of them. However, several months ago I went through a painful breakup and it took me 2 months to get over it. As you all imagine I lost my confidence during these months. Until a month ago when I started to do things for myself and that make me happy. All of a sudden I felt I can be with any girl. Well... I was friends with this girl in my building she's like 20 years old and we always had really good conversations and I thought she is very interesting and with lots of things in common. We made out at some parties and it was really good. Until recently when we actually slept together. I was quite drunk and exhausted and at some point during sex some guy (acquaintance) entered my apartment without knocking and saw us (). Then I started feeling very self aware all of a sudden (even thinking of my past girlfriends) and lost my erection. I didn't give it too much thought at that time because she said she wants to spend the night (although she could have slept in her own apartment). In the morning she woke up at 7 kissed me and went to her place. There was a two days silence period in which I sent her one message in which I said that I understand it was just a one night thing and perhaps she can tell me how to behave around her so that it won't be weird. She eventually replied with saying let's just let things be how they were before --- which I thought it is an honest answer. Anyway, last few days she kept making all sort of offensive remarks. Things like so where's your apartment mate? I'm like "In his room" and she's like "maybe you should join him". Or I was in having some drinks in the common area with some people and I was telling how I was a failing student in chemistry in highschool and then she's like "that explains a lot"(started laughing). Or I was doing dishes and she was staring and laughing at me and I asked "Why are you laughing at me?" and she's like "It's not always about you hahahaha" . So yeah... now I'm beginning to obsess a bit about my performance and for some weird reason, it is very hard for me to ignore her or her attitude. Don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt? Are girls usually this judgmental? I don't want this to get stuck in my head and my ego really took a hit! Any advice or similar experience is most welcome. PS. Right now I feel that I like this girl but I'm just very embarrassed about what happened and because of her attitude and do not know how to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Àny guy can have performance issues at any time, for a number of reasons. Drunk, exhausted, and having someone enter your room? A triple whammy. Sadly, you got a girl who feels it necessary to belittle you for it. You will either have to cut her off completely, if she doesn't knock it off, or give it another try. Sober and with complete privacy. You'll be fine in time. My husband and I laugh about him not getting it up (well, partially) the first two times we were together. It was no indication of his ability at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I was quite drunk and exhausted and at some point during sex some guy (acquaintance) entered my apartment without knocking and saw us (). Then I started feeling very self aware all of a sudden (even thinking of my past girlfriends) and lost my erection. I didn't give it too much thought at that time because she said she wants to spend the night (although she could have slept in her own apartment). haha the same thing exactly happened to a guy and I years ago and it was so embarrassing. Especially when that acquaintance stayed too so we were sort of trying not to have sex and probably couldn't anyway because we were both drunk - while his mate chatted to us I am older so I knew it was the booze and the situation but less experienced girls would put a high value on a man's erection and would think that he didn't fancy her if he wasn't rock hard. The fact that you sent her a pre-emptive text about it being an ONS only now makes her believe that you think she is ugly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ggas Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 Thank you. I'm beginning to see that the age gap might have something to do with it and her handling of the situation. Hopefully this will be gone from my head soon so things will not be awkward between us. Honestly I would prefer to get a second chance to prove this was just a one time thing but on the other hand I'm very aware that most likely this will not happen and I just have to let things stabilize. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calcmag Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I am older so I knew it was the booze and the situation but less experienced girls would put a high value on a man's erection and would think that he didn't fancy her if he wasn't rock hard. The fact that you sent her a pre-emptive text about it being an ONS only now makes her believe that you think she is ugly. This. Very well said Emilia. A young woman can feel that it's entirely HER fault if a guy loses his erection. She's mortified by it. As we grow older, we realise it's actually very rarely because of us. And yes, reminding her that it was ONS was a bit insulting to her. It's like you felt you had to reiterate that's all it was and she's a bit gutted. Chalk this one up to experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scorpio1978 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 She sounds immature with her words and context, but as a girl, I know that if a guy I am with loses his erection (it has happened), it's like a direct blow to my ego. The fact that you sent a message about it being a one night thing too....oh, wow, I would think the problem was with me. She is likely embarrassed as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ggas Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 The only reason I sent her the message with the ONS is because in our previous conversations she was mentioning that she has commitment issues and that she wants to sleep with her friends without getting judged which is fine with me. I just wanted her to know that I have no expectations from the ONS but I do care about her as a friend (although a bit more than that). Was I a douche? I swear I never intended to sound like that. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpio1978 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Ehhh....I wouldn't say you were a douche, but I wouldn't have mentioned that ONS thing. Too late now. You could try again and start fresh if you really like this girl. Make sure you two are alone, you're not exhausted, and haven't been drinking too much. But, I wouldn't expect it to go very far if you aren't building anything more than a sexual relationship. If you're ok with that, then, chat her up and invite her over. Make the second time around be mind-blowing! That way you both feel good about it and see where it goes from there.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 The only reason I sent her the message with the ONS is because in our previous conversations she was mentioning that she has commitment issues and that she wants to sleep with her friends without getting judged which is fine with me. I just wanted her to know that I have no expectations from the ONS but I do care about her as a friend (although a bit more than that). Was I a douche? I swear I never intended to sound like that. No I just think you are both young and emotionally immature to handle ambiguous situations like this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 From your description of her she's behaving more like a 14 year old. Don't worry about her perception of you. Think about how you want to learn from this experience and apply it going forward. Its not always easy and life is a constant learning experience. Once you apply what you learn to your own behavior your confidence will return. She and other girls will see that and their responses will chang too and if her childish behavior doesnt change then its her loss. Maybe when she matures a little more you will connect again. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 It's my first time on LS so I'm not sure how these posts should look like. In any case here's my story. I'm a male in my mid 20s. I had plenty of partners so far and I never had sexual problems and I got rather good feedback from most of them. However, several months ago I went through a painful breakup and it took me 2 months to get over it. As you all imagine I lost my confidence during these months. Until a month ago when I started to do things for myself and that make me happy. All of a sudden I felt I can be with any girl. Well... I was friends with this girl in my building she's like 20 years old and we always had really good conversations and I thought she is very interesting and with lots of things in common. We made out at some parties and it was really good. Until recently when we actually slept together. I was quite drunk and exhausted and at some point during sex some guy (acquaintance) entered my apartment without knocking and saw us (). Then I started feeling very self aware all of a sudden (even thinking of my past girlfriends) and lost my erection. I didn't give it too much thought at that time because she said she wants to spend the night (although she could have slept in her own apartment). In the morning she woke up at 7 kissed me and went to her place. There was a two days silence period in which I sent her one message in which I said that I understand it was just a one night thing and perhaps she can tell me how to behave around her so that it won't be weird. She eventually replied with saying let's just let things be how they were before --- which I thought it is an honest answer. Anyway, last few days she kept making all sort of offensive remarks. Things like so where's your apartment mate? I'm like "In his room" and she's like "maybe you should join him". Or I was in having some drinks in the common area with some people and I was telling how I was a failing student in chemistry in highschool and then she's like "that explains a lot"(started laughing). Or I was doing dishes and she was staring and laughing at me and I asked "Why are you laughing at me?" and she's like "It's not always about you hahahaha" . So yeah... now I'm beginning to obsess a bit about my performance and for some weird reason, it is very hard for me to ignore her or her attitude. Don't I deserve the benefit of the doubt? Are girls usually this judgmental? I don't want this to get stuck in my head and my ego really took a hit! Any advice or similar experience is most welcome. PS. Right now I feel that I like this girl but I'm just very embarrassed about what happened and because of her attitude and do not know how to proceed. Sadly, a lot of girls really are judgmental, and for some reason, girls that have more than a healthy self-esteem, and a bit of an inflated ego, have a tendency to be a lot bitchier than the rest of us. And while I don't want to say her age is the reason, I have no doubt it plays its part. Given the fact that your friend walked in, she should be more understanding of why the sexual experience went badly. I suggest bringing up to her that you refuse to take anymore of her snide remarks. Beyond that, don't interact with her. She's being absolutely rude. Don't doubt your abilities because of one time; if she does, she doesn't deserve a second time. After all, she already thinks she has you pegged. You owe her nothing. Move on from this situation, and I guarantee you'll find someone who is more than satisfied with your abilities. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 She sounds immature with her words and context, but as a girl, I know that if a guy I am with loses his erection (it has happened), it's like a direct blow to my ego. The fact that you sent a message about it being a one night thing too....oh, wow, I would think the problem was with me. She is likely embarrassed as well. This is also a good point; and as a direct result of having her ego wounded, she's decided to be cruel to the OP. It doesn't make her right, but if she perceives it as a reflection of her looks, ability, etc. she may very well be on the defensive about the ONS. I hadn't really thought of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ggas Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 She sent me a message apologizing for "being a bitch" and then she started normal conversation and being friendly. I don't know. I'm playing it cool and don't really care if something will ever happen again with her or not She is sending me all sorts of mixed signals. Is this some sort of weird game? She sometimes seems very upset and angry. Sometimes she is very friendly. We made out a bit at the last party in our building. It's all confusing. Maybe it's my teenage side that is confused. She is definitely too young to be relationship material. At least that's what I feel now. Strange though that I seem to like her and enjoy her presence and our conversation A LOT. Mmmm... Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 She sent me a message apologizing for "being a bitch" and then she started normal conversation and being friendly. I don't know. I'm playing it cool and don't really care if something will ever happen again with her or not She is sending me all sorts of mixed signals. Is this some sort of weird game? She sometimes seems very upset and angry. Sometimes she is very friendly. We made out a bit at the last party in our building. It's all confusing. Maybe it's my teenage side that is confused. She is definitely too young to be relationship material. At least that's what I feel now. Strange though that I seem to like her and enjoy her presence and our conversation A LOT. Mmmm... Well, at least she realizes she was being a bitch. I'd say continue to keep your guard up, at least for a little while. When she comes off upset or angry, what is it she says that makes you think that? If she is upset, it may be unrelated to you. If you feel it's necessary, make sure she knows the ONS statement was in no way a reflection of her attractiveness, though at this point, I'd say leave it be, while you're still trying to figure out what's going on. If she brings it up would probably be a better time to, if you feel so inclined. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Strange though that I seem to like her and enjoy her presence and our conversation A LOT. Mmmm... I hope the two of you start talking and work something out OP. Stranger things happened Link to post Share on other sites
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