Getting older and "settling".

[NGC1300]

I just turned 29. I know it's an arbitrary number, but let's face it, the next 10 years will go by in a flash, and I'll be a middle-aged man.

 

My biggest problem right now, is that I've always had this highly idealized version of what kind of woman I want. I know it's shallow, maybe even reckless, but it's mainly about physical attributes. I would never dismiss personality, but I have to be physically attracted first.

 

I was recently thinking, is it really worth "holding out" for the idealized woman that may never come?

 

A girl at work is kind of sending me vibes, but I'm really on the fence about her being attractive. I just don't know, and I hate to get involved when I don't know, especially with someone in the workplace. However, there is this little nagging voice that says maybe I should give it a go.

 

Anyway, have any of you felt a compulsion to "settle" as you get older, realizing time is running out?

 

Part of me still feels like I'd rather die alone than settle for anything.

[pteromom]

When you say you are "holding out", does this mean you have never been in a relationship before?

 

If so, and you are holding onto an ideal without having any experience to back it up, I think you are limiting yourself for no reason. In this case, I think you should pursue the girl and get some experience under your belt so that your opinions are informed.

 

Who knows - when you date someone who is different than your ideal, you may change some of your opinions.

 

But if you've done lots of dating, and you still have this list of attributes that are very important to you, then don't ask her out if she doesn't fit your desired profile.

 

But - it is still healthy to put a lot of thought into your list and consider why you feel the way you do about the criteria on it. Remember that if your goal is a long-term relationship, physical beauty WILL fade, so a relationship must be based on much more than that.

[Ripnet]

I"m 44 and I would never settle. Why would you? It doesn't make sense to me. As long your expectations are realistic you shouldn't settle.

[NGC1300]

I've only ever had 1 serious relationship (3+ years), and that was 8 years ago.

 

Since then I've never had another GF. I literally went 5 years without sex at one point, mainly because I don't chase women or go to bars and clubs.

 

Last year I finally dated for the first time in 10 years. I thought she was beautiful, but she dropped me like a rock for whatever reason she cooked up.

 

I have no idea how to find more "idealized" woman to date. I feel like I'm limited to dating sites.

[NGC1300]

I"m 44 and I would never settle. Why would you? It doesn't make sense to me. As long your expectations are realistic you shouldn't settle.

 

I tend to think this way normally. However when a woman sends vibes for some reason I see it as some strange "opportunity". She isn't bad looking at all, but she's far far away from my ideal, and not just physically.

[pteromom]

So what are your criteria? Let's talk about them and see if they are realistic or not.

[pteromom]

I've only ever had 1 serious relationship (3+ years), and that was 8 years ago.

 

Since then I've never had another GF. I literally went 5 years without sex at one point, mainly because I don't chase women or go to bars and clubs.

 

You certainly missed out on a lot of experiences by choosing this path. And I guess that's the question to ask yourself... if you "hold out" for 5 or 10 more years then finally find someone who is acceptable to you, how much fun and sex and living and laughing have you missed out on in the meantime, and will it be worth it in the end?

[NGC1300]

So what are your criteria? Let's talk about them and see if they are realistic or not.

 

I know it's cliche', and certainly shallow, but I've never been attracted to anything but blondes. The whopping 3 girls I've been with; all blonde. I can't describe it, and I know it's petty.

 

I like them a bit shorter than me (I'm 5'8"), and with a nice "full" body. Not fat but not too slender.

 

Would also prefer they have no kids.

[pteromom]

I know it's cliche', and certainly shallow, but I've never been attracted to anything but blondes. The whopping 3 girls I've been with; all blonde. I can't describe it, and I know it's petty.

 

OK, this one is a bit silly, because anyone can become a blonde, and a blonde can become a brunette or redhead (or silver-head eventually LOL). I would explore outside this limitation and see if you can cultivate an interest in other hair colors.

 

I like them a bit shorter than me (I'm 5'8"), and with a nice "full" body. Not fat but not too slender.

 

Seems reasonable and not difficult to find. Again, it wouldn't hurt to explore outside this ideal and see if you can expand your horizons.

 

Would also prefer they have no kids.

 

This is actually MORE important than hair color, because her kids would definitely have a real impact on your life together. If she has kids, she will be giving them her time, her love, her energy, and of course, if it got serious, you would end up a step-dad. So if that isn't what you want, I would be very strict on this point.

[thefooloftheyear]

Forget about the physical stuff- to an extent....Thats kids stuff..

 

You know why??

 

There is a good likelyhood that the "one" that meets your physical criteria isnt going to look anything like the one you met after a few years...Heck, the ex that dumped me back in Dec '12 is now 40 lbs heavier and looks like a totally different person. And that was only 6 months ago!

 

As much as I hate to say this and I apologize in advance(and i know the ladies are going to blast me for this)..Many of the women I saw at my 20 year HS reunion were pretty much unrecognizable from HS..A lot of the guys as well, but not nearly as much..

 

Point is find someone who is smart, honest, loyal and dont be so hung up on physical appearance.. Thats what I do..What good is a "Barbie" if she is going to cheat on you or is too stupid to get a decent job to help you pay the bills..Pay more attention to the character of the person- Whts inside..Then you will stand a better chance of a lasting relationship...

 

TFY

[Leigh 87]

I am blonde, full bodied, and I am only 5 '4 and a half:)

 

hehe you're right about blondes. It is a far more attractive hair colour:lmao:

 

I also like blonde or light brown hair on guys. I at least like them to have blue eyes!

 

I suppose I will not hold out for that though; I will be open to the fact that I could very well click with a dude who is not a person I envisioned for myself.

 

I think you shouldn't bother with the girl at work. At least be inspired and feel "something" special when you talk to them. Why even bother with a girl who you feel meh about?

 

I agree with settling for less than the hottest girl around; you should be to the fact that you COULD click with a girl who is not blonde, for instance.

 

In saying that all of this, if you worry about settling: DO expand and be OPEN to different looks. But DO NOT date people who do not.... seem that great to talk to.

 

At LEAST. At the very LEAST, only bother dating girls who you think " wow, I really enjoy talking to them".

 

I guess if she was THAT hot and she WAS your ideal type, then yes, being extremely attracted to her will mean that you can settle for a girl you talk to and just feel " hmm she is nice to talk to but nothing special" about.

 

Do you see what I mean? Being EXTRA attracted to her will make for hot sex and lasting passion. Even if she has an average personality, you could still date her and find that you click and that you enjoy talking to her and you love who she is. Without her knocking your socks of with your first few conversations.

 

It is either: super attractive with a personality that does not stand out at first, or being open to a girl who you find attractive but is nothing special and outside your blonde ideal, yet who you LOVE talking to.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Leigh 87

[white]

I didn't come here to offer advice but I feel I have something to offer here.

 

I too have become 29. It isn't fun. There's a very strange effect though that I've noticed creeping up on me for the last 2 or 3 years.

 

I find a much wider range of women attractive. Both physically and mentally. I didn't will it to happen, it just has. The ridiculous, selfish, stupid standards I had as a younger man have drifted away, particularly the physical ones, exposing a core of those qualities I truly appreciate which are quite broad and simple, like kindness, patience and modesty. It almost feels like a biological effect, something changing in your brain. And in fact I think it is. I think everyone goes through this, at least men. I could be wrong, but looking at my male friends I see the same effect. But maybe like many biological changes it happens at different times for different people. Or maybe it requires a trigger. Either way, I feel certain that you will experience the same thing soon. Suddenly you will be going about your business one day and realise you think someone is cute you never would have before. It's a ray of sunshine in the otherwise grim business of becoming 30.

 

If I'm wrong and it isn't biological, then my advice would be that you need to attain this state of mind by force of will instead. Don't ask me how. Just know that it can be done. You limit yourself so arbitrarily with these exacting specifications for someone you want to love you.

[shexy]

Whats happened to me as I get older is I did enough settling when I was younger. I'm tired of settling.

 

I really do think its a mistake to be so stuck on a certain physical ideal that you rule out amazing women because her hair is the wrong color, or her boobs are quite big enough. That is pretty shallow - looks fade. Just because you don't get a date with Heidi Klum isn't settling, in my book, it's being realistic.

[Ripnet]

You certainly missed out on a lot of experiences by choosing this path. And I guess that's the question to ask yourself... if you "hold out" for 5 or 10 more years then finally find someone who is acceptable to you, how much fun and sex and living and laughing have you missed out on in the meantime, and will it be worth it in the end?

 

Life isn't just about having a relationship. For me being single is about discovering about myself.

[truth_seeker]

You certainly missed out on a lot of experiences by choosing this path. And I guess that's the question to ask yourself... if you "hold out" for 5 or 10 more years then finally find someone who is acceptable to you, how much fun and sex and living and laughing have you missed out on in the meantime, and will it be worth it in the end?

 

This is great advice, and I wish I had it years ago. Much like the OP, I had these unrealistic standards and passed over women I could have had some real fun with...

 

Probably not the best way to put this, but OP, I suggest you "bang away"... just go reckless, have some wild times, and who knows, the "one" will fall into your lap when you least expect it.

[xxoo]

I have no idea how to find more "idealized" woman to date. I feel like I'm limited to dating sites.

 

Why is this? Why don't you meet women IRL?

[truth_seeker]

Looks fade is something young people don't get. The beautiful 20-30 something isn't going to be that in her 50's and 60's... You have to fall in love with a person to have a meaningful relationship. If it's about how they look, it will never work long term.

[Ripnet]

Why is this? Why don't you meet women IRL?

 

Probably like most guys on OLD sites, lack of self confidence or social skills to meet women.

[hppr]

I haven't really felt a need to 'settle' if anything I get 'hotter' chicks now than I did when I was 20. What I have felt is that I want more than what I had in the past. Can't really explain it but someone who is there all the time, maybe kids, that sort of thing.

 

As silly as it sounds I'd love to come home to someone who was doing my laundry and baking cookies, and maybe be a dad. The girl I am dating now wants that too, really I just need need to figure out how to be home more often and make it happen.

[buzzie2]

You are only 29. That is still quite young- you are not even into your 30's yet. My advice to you is that you should NEVER settle. If you are feeling lonely or desperate, or are feeling age pressure to settle down, do something to boost your self esteem. Get a hobby or start up a new business. Join a gym or go on a road trip with an old friend. Once you have confidence, you won't feel the need to settle.

[Estate]

I just turned 29. I know it's an arbitrary number, but let's face it, the next 10 years will go by in a flash, and I'll be a middle-aged man.

 

My biggest problem right now, is that I've always had this highly idealized version of what kind of woman I want. I know it's shallow, maybe even reckless, but it's mainly about physical attributes. I would never dismiss personality, but I have to be physically attracted first.

 

I was recently thinking, is it really worth "holding out" for the idealized woman that may never come?

 

A girl at work is kind of sending me vibes, but I'm really on the fence about her being attractive. I just don't know, and I hate to get involved when I don't know, especially with someone in the workplace. However, there is this little nagging voice that says maybe I should give it a go.

 

Anyway, have any of you felt a compulsion to "settle" as you get older, realizing time is running out?

 

Part of me still feels like I'd rather die alone than settle for anything.

 

You're 29... DO NOT SETTLE.

But you must be proactive in meeting the girl you want... see someone like that on the street... go meet her! You have to.

 

Don't ever settle.

[Star Gazer]

I just turned 29. I know it's an arbitrary number, but let's face it, the next 10 years will go by in a flash, and I'll be a middle-aged man.

 

My biggest problem right now, is that I've always had this highly idealized version of what kind of woman I want. I know it's shallow, maybe even reckless, but it's mainly about physical attributes. I would never dismiss personality, but I have to be physically attracted first.

 

I was recently thinking, is it really worth "holding out" for the idealized woman that may never come?

 

As you get older, you become less physically attractive, and while you're busy looking for the BBD, the awesome women who aren't physically perfect but make for awesome wives will get swooped off the market... and you'll be alone.

[hppr]

As you get older, you become less physically attractive, and while you're busy looking for the BBD, the awesome women who aren't physically perfect but make for awesome wives will get swooped off the market... and you'll be alone.

 

Truth.

 

Try telling that to single women though, that the okay-looking-nice-guy is actually a good option, see how well it goes lol. I know, I tried telling a long time female friend that and she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

As for this guy he sounds normal to me, really every guy goes through that stage at that age. The should I settle down, do i want a family etc, and to do that you often have to go outside your comfort zone for relationships.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I just turned 29. I know it's an arbitrary number, but let's face it, the next 10 years will go by in a flash, and I'll be a middle-aged man.

 

My biggest problem right now, is that I've always had this highly idealized version of what kind of woman I want. I know it's shallow, maybe even reckless, but it's mainly about physical attributes. I would never dismiss personality, but I have to be physically attracted first.

 

I was recently thinking, is it really worth "holding out" for the idealized woman that may never come?

 

A girl at work is kind of sending me vibes, but I'm really on the fence about her being attractive. I just don't know, and I hate to get involved when I don't know, especially with someone in the workplace. However, there is this little nagging voice that says maybe I should give it a go.

 

Anyway, have any of you felt a compulsion to "settle" as you get older, realizing time is running out?

 

Part of me still feels like I'd rather die alone than settle for anything.

 

Women's looks starts to fade in their 20's and are almost gone completely by their 30's (if you find an older woman attractive, you're actually attracted to her makeup).

 

This is why your strategy of going after just looks will fail. Personality matters just as much (probably more) than looks. Because when her looks fade (and they will fade sooner than you think), you have to make sure you can tolerate being around her. Otherwise, your marriage will fail.

[Franko Bleenyo]

Im in the same boat OP

 

Turning 30 end of the year, only had 2 gf's and both lasted less then a year. Both 'dated up' and dated guys who were teller, better looking and richer then I. It does leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

 

I have gone on about 20 'dates' and most go nowhere.

 

When i was a teenager and maybe up to 22 i had high standards even though i has average looking at best. I kind of regret that but i guess when you are young you are ignorant and shallow.

 

As for now, i really dont have much of a criteria of the woman i am attracted to. I dont care what nationality or race or religion they are, i dont care what social class they are or if they dont have a house or not, dont care even if she is slightly chubby.

 

Yet i still struggle with woman - so i agree with the other posters, a lot of young single woman have HUGE expectations and dating criteria for the men they want. And if you are lucky and she gives you a chance most times she will dump you for one small 'mistake' or just realize she can do better and end it.

 

For me if we are talking about looks i 'target' woman in the 4-6 range looks. I dont bother with more attractive woman because i know i have no chance and with out sounding shallow woman in the 3 and below in looks dont attract me.

 

I really do wonder if i ever will get married. Most of my family seem to think i have high standards - which is totally wrong