Getting older and "settling".

[Ordinaryday]

I don't think it is so much a matter of settling as being realistic. you have to understand what your 'league' is and only aim for girls in that same league. if you work at McDonalds at 35 then I am sorry, but you are just going to have to come to accept that a 10/10 gorgeous supermodel is not going to turn down all the lawyers and doctors throwing themselves at her to date a fry cook.

 

it is just how life is. you need to be realistic about what sort of partner you could attract, and aim for that type of woman. if that is settling, then so be it.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Im in the same boat OP

 

Turning 30 end of the year, only had 2 gf's and both lasted less then a year. Both 'dated up' and dated guys who were teller, better looking and richer then I. It does leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

 

I have gone on about 20 'dates' and most go nowhere.

 

When i was a teenager and maybe up to 22 i had high standards even though i has average looking at best. I kind of regret that but i guess when you are young you are ignorant and shallow.

 

As for now, i really dont have much of a criteria of the woman i am attracted to. I dont care what nationality or race or religion they are, i dont care what social class they are or if they dont have a house or not, dont care even if she is slightly chubby.

 

Yet i still struggle with woman - so i agree with the other posters, a lot of young single woman have HUGE expectations and dating criteria for the men they want. And if you are lucky and she gives you a chance most times she will dump you for one small 'mistake' or just realize she can do better and end it.

 

For me if we are talking about looks i 'target' woman in the 4-6 range looks. I dont bother with more attractive woman because i know i have no chance and with out sounding shallow woman in the 3 and below in looks dont attract me.

 

I really do wonder if i ever will get married. Most of my family seem to think i have high standards - which is totally wrong

 

It's not just you man and it's not limited to guys that are less than the ideal, as far as looks go.

 

A female friend of mine was dating a guy that was tall, good-looking, has a good job, and is actually a cool and nice guy.

 

She broke up with him. Why? Because he ordered cilantro one time.

 

I'm not kidding. This actually happened. All was fine before this. Unfortunately, things like this (though not to this extreme) are commonplace. Just look around at the thread started by women on this forum. They break it off with guys for literally no reason all the time.

[Franko Bleenyo]

It's not just you man and it's not limited to guys that are less than the ideal, as far as looks go.

 

A female friend of mine was dating a guy that was tall, good-looking, has a good job, and is actually a cool and nice guy.

 

She broke up with him. Why? Because he ordered cilantro one time.

 

I'm not kidding. This actually happened. All was fine before this. Unfortunately, things like this (though not to this extreme) are commonplace. Just look around at the thread started by women on this forum. They break it off with guys for literally no reason all the time.

 

 

LOL

 

I know a girl from work a few years ago that broke up with a guy that wore an 'ugly' turtleneck shirt to a club with her. She was so disgusted she broke up with him. He was tall and ok looking, maybe 6.5 in looks. He was a russian mechanical engineer and i guess in Russia turtle necks are still cool.

 

But the girl was amazing, very good looking and working in company law. She could have any man she wanted so i guess little mistakes like that to her are unacceptable

[Ordinaryday]

It's not just you man and it's not limited to guys that are less than the ideal, as far as looks go.

 

A female friend of mine was dating a guy that was tall, good-looking, has a good job, and is actually a cool and nice guy.

 

She broke up with him. Why? Because he ordered cilantro one time.

 

I'm not kidding. This actually happened. All was fine before this. Unfortunately, things like this (though not to this extreme) are commonplace. Just look around at the thread started by women on this forum. They break it off with guys for literally no reason all the time.

 

If people will break up over slight things like that, then what hope does someone who truly struggles to get dates in the first place, ever have with finding 'the one'? Almost no hope at all.

 

A woman at my work is approaching 50 and she mentioned to me a few weeks ago that she was seeing a guy and I asked her how it was going last night and she told me she dumped him because he took her to his place and it was messy, which was a dealbreaker for her. we are doomed.

[Ordinaryday]

LOL

 

I know a girl from work a few years ago that broke up with a guy that wore an 'ugly' turtleneck shirt to a club with her. She was so disgusted she broke up with him. He was tall and ok looking, maybe 6.5 in looks. He was a russian mechanical engineer and i guess in Russia turtle necks are still cool.

 

But the girl was amazing, very good looking and working in company law. She could have any man she wanted so i guess little mistakes like that to her are unacceptable

 

my brother got so sick and tired of crap like this that he just started going to prostitutes once a week instead. seriously. we live in a state where prostitution is completely legal and regulated, and he told me that he got so sick and tired of dating crap that he decided to just forget about it and go to a hooker once a week instead. I don't blame him.

[Woggle]

The best way to get around that crap is just not give a damn and refuse to change. That kind of attitude is more attractive than anything. I will go out wearing a pot on my head and dare anybody to have a problem with it. Attractive women breathe the same air as me and bleed the same blood as me so if they want to look down on me for anything that is their problem. I would say the same with genders reversed as well.

[Ordinaryday]

ROFL. And men don't own mirrors.

 

If they DID, they'd realize that most of them are trainwrecks past 38 - fat and dumpy or just completely out of shape, bald or balding, haggard looking, slumped over, nose hair a'plenty, unkempt and unattractive as hell.

 

But hey, since they don't own mirrors, in their minds they're ALL Greek Gods and therefore, they ALL deserve hot 24 year olds.

 

Ask most of them how THAT'S been working for them. :lmao:

 

Hence why I love legalised prostitution. I can hook up with as many gorgeous 24 year old blonde bimbos I want and have wild sex with them as much as I want. the fact that I have to pay for it is but a small factor of the equation.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

ROFL. And men don't own mirrors.

 

If they DID, they'd realize that most of them are trainwrecks past 38 - fat and dumpy or just completely out of shape, bald or balding, haggard looking, slumped over, nose hair a'plenty, unkempt and unattractive as hell.

 

But hey, since they don't own mirrors, in their minds they're ALL Greek Gods and therefore, they ALL deserve hot 24 year olds.

 

Ask most of them how THAT'S been working for them. :lmao:

 

Well, given that you're a woman and probably older, I'm assuming you're projecting. But I'll respond anyway.

 

Generally, men have to do less to be considered good-looking when they get older. Wrinkles look good on many men and graying hair can be distinguishing. Also, men are valued for more things than their looks.

 

Women are valued mostly on their looks. And let's face it, wrinkles are not a good look on women.

 

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

 

Luckily for women, dating in western society is heavily in their favor. Men will settle for far less. So I wouldn't worry about getting dates anytime soon.

[Ordinaryday]

Well, given that you're a woman and probably older, I'm assuming you're projecting. But I'll respond anyway.

 

Generally, men have to do less to be considered good-looking when they get older. Wrinkles look good on many men and graying hair can be distinguishing. Also, men are valued for more things than their looks.

 

Women are valued mostly on their looks. And let's face it, wrinkles are not a good look on women.

 

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

 

Luckily for women, dating in western society is heavily in their favor. Men will settle for far less. So I wouldn't worry about getting dates anytime soon.

 

yeah, for all this talk about 'equality' some things are not really equal. even unattractive women with repulsive personalities have no trouble getting dates - they may not be able to keep the guys but at least they know that they won't be sitting at home on a saturday night, if they don't want to.

 

guys on the other hand have it so much harder. if a guy is shy, not outgoing and only average looking (like me) he is pretty much doomed for life. it is just how it is.

[Franko Bleenyo]

Well, given that you're a woman and probably older, I'm assuming you're projecting. But I'll respond anyway.

 

Generally, men have to do less to be considered good-looking when they get older. Wrinkles look good on many men and graying hair can be distinguishing. Also, men are valued for more things than their looks.

 

Women are valued mostly on their looks. And let's face it, wrinkles are not a good look on women.

 

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

 

Luckily for women, dating in western society is heavily in their favor. Men will settle for far less. So I wouldn't worry about getting dates anytime soon.

 

Your right, for woman dating in the west is the equivalent of dating for guys in thailand etc

 

A woman, whether she is average, chubby or even older will have no problems getting married, finding a one night stand etc.

While a guy over 30 is seen as a old creep if he goes to a bar or nightclub, will never be able to hook up with a young girl, will struggle to date a chubby girl.

 

I have gone to bars for 'MILFS' and seen average guys like me get rejected, only to see them hook up with young, good looking brazilian back packers.

 

In the west 70% of men are the LOSERS in the dating game, while almost 90% of woman are the winners in the dating game - or at 'worse' the women were winning the game in their teens and 20's.

[Franko Bleenyo]

yeah, for all this talk about 'equality' some things are not really equal. even unattractive women with repulsive personalities have no trouble getting dates - they may not be able to keep the guys but at least they know that they won't be sitting at home on a saturday night, if they don't want to.

 

guys on the other hand have it so much harder. if a guy is shy, not outgoing and only average looking (like me) he is pretty much doomed for life. it is just how it is.

 

I have noticed a lot of slim ok looking guys dating chubby average looking girls. I see a lot of chubby girls at bars and clubs, but i never see chubby or fat guys at bars or clubs.

 

A chubby girl will have had many boyfriends by the time she is say 25, and a few of the boyfriends she would have 'dated up' and they were better looking then her. Her male equivalent would have never held a girls hand in his life and his saturday night's would be sitting at home playing world of warcraft with his online 'friends'.

 

And get this, my good looking friend joined a dating site and gets msgs from chubby and fat chicks. How many fat guys or chubby guys msg really hot girls in online dating? NONE because they know they have no chance. But sadly these fat guys cant get a girlfriend because the fat girls are chasing the same hot guys.

 

Dating has become a JOKE

[irc333]

As long your expectations are realistic you shouldn't settle.

 

This.....that's part of the problem, a good amount of people have unrealistic expectations, but they STILL believe in this fashion and if they falter from any list they've set up for themselves...it would be "settling" when it's really not.

[thefooloftheyear]

Its threads like this that remind me that its a very difficult thing to find a partner that is on the same page..

 

The battle rages on...

 

TFY

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you're still single in your 30's as a man, I really wouldn't worry just about that fact...that's still young, and while many are getting hitched there are many that are not and now experiencing the "fruits of their labor" through their 20's because now that success and security is more attractive to women overall or just honed their skills, so I wouldn't pressure yourself...I mean look at the state of marriages today and their lives, are you really in a hurry to "settle down"? sometimes that's a fantasy or ideal many guys don't want to be apart of once they encounter the reality.

 

The superficial qualities come more into play as well, I mean you can't be this completely out of fashion slob still wearing the same clothes from ten years ago, out of shape with a big beer/fat guy hanging under your polo shirt that should be a large but you insist on a medium because that's what you wore in your early 20's or chasing after women way out of your league when you have no social skills or confidence...self-awareness is important, that's just being realistic...you have to look in the mirror before you look at what you desire, If you're looking for a victoria secret model blonde you better have money, status/power or looks, and maybe even a combination.

 

The main concern is you've been out of the loop for many years, I think that's going to hurt you a lot more, you've got to have some experience under your belt and some aptitude in the dating world to be successful and be able to pursue the women you want, unless you just get really lucky and end up connecting with a really down to earth girl that really likes you and just wants a very transparent guy.

 

Otherwise there are these unsaid rules and etiquette about dating, not to mention just relationship experience and being accustomed to be around women, a lot of women have been dating for years looking for "mr. right", so your clumsy butt coming off the street taking them off a date is going to be a turn-off because now they have a standard and will compare you to other men and experiences....it's just going to likely turn women off and they're going to notice your lack of knowledge and experience in how to handle yourself....women want a man who knows how to behave, is confident to a degree with himself and has a little edge or mystery in general...If you're just this aloof guy who's full of himself but really doesn't in any way come off interesting or attractive then many women aren't going to give you the time of day, not to mention many women desire the unavailable men who they think have a lot to offer them.

 

A lot of guys date down...partly because that's all they can get, or they work their way up on the superficial ladder with women...hoping to get that dream girl in the future, while that's not exactly "moral" it's how many many guys operate, that's why they disappear mysteriously in the night...it's an ego/confident boost for them but those women aren't what they were looking for in the long-term. So they collect that experience, confidence and ego boost that allows them to engage more desirable women...and they just keep going up until they feel that's the best looking one they can get...once that happens it's bam, time to settle down, that's the best they feel they can do...but because they've kept themselves in the "game", they at least partly know what they're doing and are not completely incompetent...as a man you're the "hunter", in a very basic and fundamental way..you eat what you can catch. Otherwise sit there with your bow and arrow in your hand, waiting for that prized target to enter your cross-hairs...yet you're likely to miss because you haven't used the damn thing in years.

[KatZee]

Women's looks starts to fade in their 20's and are almost gone completely by their 30's (if you find an older woman attractive, you're actually attracted to her makeup).

 

Uhh.... You sure about this?

 

Looks fade regardless of age. It has to do with how well you take care of yourself. I'm 29 and am hotter than I was years ago. Im like wine, only getting better with age and I don't sense a decline anytime soon.

 

I've seen close to 40 year olds who look fantastic and 25 year olds who are wrinkling gray and balding.

 

This is not a blanket statement that women decline in 20s so I'm really not sure where you pulled this from. Take a walk in NYC and tell me that the 20s/30s are ugly. Betcha can't.

 

I'm also "shallow" if you will. I need to be attracted to the person I'm going to date and I need to be attracted to be passionate about you. I wouldn't settle ever, and I don't even dream of settling even when my mother tries to tell me that all my eggs are drying up.

 

A lasting relationship isn't going to be the one in which you have to convince yourself to be with the other person. It's going to just develop organically and naturally and you're going to be attracted from the get go.

[thefooloftheyear]

Uhh.... You sure about this?

 

Looks fade regardless of age. It has to do with how well you take care of yourself. I'm 29 and am hotter than I was years ago. Im like wine, only getting better with age and I don't sense a decline anytime soon.

 

I've seen close to 40 year olds who look fantastic and 25 year olds who are wrinkling gray and balding.

 

This is not a blanket statement that women decline in 20s so I'm really not sure where you pulled this from. Take a walk in NYC and tell me that the 20s/30s are ugly. Betcha can't.

 

I'm also "shallow" if you will. I need to be attracted to the person I'm going to date and I need to be attracted to be passionate about you. I wouldn't settle ever, and I don't even dream of settling even when my mother tries to tell me that all my eggs are drying up.

 

A lasting relationship isn't going to be the one in which you have to convince yourself to be with the other person. It's going to just develop organically and naturally and you're going to be attracted from the get go.

 

 

29?? You aint even broke in yet:laugh:

 

Also, be careful about drawing any conclusions about people that live in places like NYC...Im there all the time..Its NOT indicative to the rest of the country..A lot of "pretty" people are there and quite frankly where there is money you will find pretty people. They have the time/resources for spa treatments, plastic surgeries, personal trainers, etc....

 

It is VERY hard for a woman to maintain looks and shape after, say, 35 or so...Having kids and the onset of menopause will also change some women so dramatically its scary.. Im in my mid 40's and look better now than I did in my 20s .. I would have killed to have the body I have now in my 20's..And quite frankly it wasnt even hard. Eat right and go to the gym religiously..I see many women toiling in the gym and eating nothing but celery stalks and wheat germ....yet fail to make much progress..

 

See bolded...

 

Maybe just open your mind up..The last woman I was with I had only a slight physical attraction to.. Not really "my type" at all..She grew on me as I got to know her. In the ensuing weeks, all the so called physical "barriers" were gone..I fell for the total package..In the past, I made the mistake of picking the "hot" one....What good do looks do when you are with someone who has the intellectual capacity of a garden slug? I love sex as much as anyone, but if thats all there is thats good it wont work at all.

 

I consider myself a good looking man with a good body, but I couldn't care less about "arm candy"..Its the biggest bunch of crap there is..If I want something like that Ill just go out and buy a Ferrari...This way when I get tired of it I can just sell it and not have to pay alimony and give it half of my stuff!!

 

TFY

Edited June 22, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[thefooloftheyear]

my brother got so sick and tired of crap like this that he just started going to prostitutes once a week instead. seriously. we live in a state where prostitution is completely legal and regulated, and he told me that he got so sick and tired of dating crap that he decided to just forget about it and go to a hooker once a week instead. I don't blame him.

 

 

Now this is a stupid idea, IMO....

 

Its kind of like cutting your arm off and eating it because you are hungry...

 

TFY

[Ordinaryday]

Now this is a stupid idea, IMO....

 

Its kind of like cutting your arm off and eating it because you are hungry...

 

TFY

 

Why on earth? I can understand why people would not like this lifestyle, but if he wants sex without the mind games and nastiness of real life relationships, then it seems like a good solution

[thefooloftheyear]

Why on earth? I can understand why people would not like this lifestyle, but if he wants sex without the mind games and nastiness of real life relationships, then it seems like a good solution

 

Why? Because sex is only a very small part of a relationship. How on earth does just "satisfying" that with an unwilling(lets face it, if one isnt paying, they arent getting) replace the whole experience of being in a loving relationship?

 

Sorry,..But aside from the potential risks involved, there is nothing more humiliating than knowing someone is "giving" you themselves only because you have a hundred dollar bill in your pocket.. Its just a killer of your self esteem...

 

Some may argue the contrary, but thats how I see it...And understand I have absolutely no qualms about the profession, the clients, or the hookers...they have their right to do it.

 

Its just the way I see it...

 

TFY

[Ordinaryday]

Why? Because sex is only a very small part of a relationship. How on earth does just "satisfying" that with an unwilling(lets face it, if one isnt paying, they arent getting) replace the whole experience of being in a loving relationship?

 

Sorry,..But aside from the potential risks involved, there is nothing more humiliating than knowing someone is "giving" you themselves only because you have a hundred dollar bill in your pocket.. Its just a killer of your self esteem...

 

Some may argue the contrary, but thats how I see it...And understand I have absolutely no qualms about the profession, the clients, or the hookers...they have their right to do it.

 

Its just the way I see it...

 

TFY

 

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I Myself don't see it as an different to a woman who dates a guy she is only kind of interested in, simply because he is rich and buys her nice things. This happens a lot. And if she sleeps with that guy what is the difference? And even if intellectually you know she is only with you for the money, your body still experiences the pleasure so so what?

[thefooloftheyear]

That's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I Myself don't see it as an different to a woman who dates a guy she is only kind of interested in, simply because he is rich and buys her nice things. This happens a lot. And if she sleeps with that guy what is the difference? And even if intellectually you know she is only with you for the money, your body still experiences the pleasure so so what?

 

Sorry, but I dont get much "pleasure" from being viewed as an ATM by a sex partner..

 

To each his/her own though...

 

TFY

[carhill]

Anyway, have any of you felt a compulsion to "settle" as you get older, realizing time is running out?

 

OP, the good news from a real older person is that I haven't seen any signs of folks 'settling'. The few single women I meet in my age bracket are or appear to be very selective. As a regular working stiff divorced 50 something guy, I'm both chagrined and enthused to say they move right on by. I've been divorced nearly three years now so have a bit of experience with the over 50 dynamic. After I move, I'll see how that translates with location.

 

My advice, based on life experience: Don't 'settle'; have both feet in it emotionally and be clear about both the positives and negatives and embrace them with enthusiasm and confidence. Life is imperfect. Only the end is perfect; perfectly the same every time. It ends. Enjoy it. Good luck.

[xxoo]

When you fall in love, you aren't settling, regardless of appearance.

 

I find it difficult to understand how you could live and work and socialize for your entire twenties and not experience desire for women in your life. Have you only been attracted to a select few blonds of a certain shape?

 

I wonder how much you are opening up and connecting with people, including women, in your life. Connections can augment attraction. The strongest, longest lived attractions include the physical, but are based on something much deeper.

[El Brujo]

I just turned 29. I know it's an arbitrary number, but let's face it, the next 10 years will go by in a flash, and I'll be a middle-aged man.

 

My biggest problem right now, is that I've always had this highly idealized version of what kind of woman I want. I know it's shallow, maybe even reckless, but it's mainly about physical attributes. I would never dismiss personality, but I have to be physically attracted first.

 

I was recently thinking, is it really worth "holding out" for the idealized woman that may never come?

 

A girl at work is kind of sending me vibes, but I'm really on the fence about her being attractive. I just don't know, and I hate to get involved when I don't know, especially with someone in the workplace. However, there is this little nagging voice that says maybe I should give it a go.

 

Anyway, have any of you felt a compulsion to "settle" as you get older, realizing time is running out?

 

Part of me still feels like I'd rather die alone than settle for anything.

 

I'm 45 and I'll tell you something, Junior... don't lower your standards unless you want to get your heart broken a bunch of times in a row. I'm still waiting for "her" to come along, but I'm not sweating it. I'm accomplishing something with my life alone, and I'm about probably just over 1/2 on the road to having my s. totally together.

 

Let people call you "anal" for having a laundry list... after all it's YOUR life, so don't let others tell you how to live it.

[hppr]

If people will break up over slight things like that, then what hope does someone who truly struggles to get dates in the first place, ever have with finding 'the one'? Almost no hope at all.

 

A woman at my work is approaching 50 and she mentioned to me a few weeks ago that she was seeing a guy and I asked her how it was going last night and she told me she dumped him because he took her to his place and it was messy, which was a dealbreaker for her. we are doomed.

 

You just have the wrong attitude.

 

Really, those single women are single because they are nitpickers and no man wants that unless he has zero options on the table. So don't base your dating ideas off of them. They are worthless.

 

If you want to meet cute girls and date them then hang around with guys who do that and figure out what they are doing. Those guys will probably be able to give you advice and insight as to why you are having trouble as well.