Ohhhh, so that's why you don't sleep with a coworker

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'd like to point out to you that maturity isn't just a lack of wanting to party and it doesn't come from wanting to start a family or even from having a family. A person set on marriage and children too young isn't necessarily any more mature than a person set on partying. I've met some very immature, selfish people who have children. I've also met a people who married and had children too young and who seem to have halted their personal development at the same place they were when they had kids or got married.

 

I never cared for partying and playing the field and pretty much had to raise myself past age 10 and work to pay for everything myself. I was much more marriage-focused 10 years ago than I am today. That doesn't mean I'm less mature now than I was then. I'm a different person than I was 5-10 years ago and have different expectations and wants out of relationships and realize how foolish I used to be.

 

I don't see anyone doing anything other than pointing out that's a change that happens to almost everyone.

 

I'll agree that I gave a poor example. I wasn't quite awake yet, and it had occurred to me while typing, that not all parents should be parents, but somewhere along the line, I forgot to point that out. Nor did I mean to imply that going to social gatherings and drinking somehow makes you less mature; how you act in those social gatherings, whether you know when to stop drinking, or not, and what results if you do accidentally go beyond your limit, can speak volumes. I seldom go beyond my limit when drinking; when I have? My first impulse isn't to get naked, jump on a table, and dance, nor screw every male I see.

 

And no, I'm not taking a stab at polyamorous people; we all have our preferences, and they all have their share of pros and cons.

 

At any rate, I concede the point.

[leavethepieces]

Please thoroughly read my post if you are going to respond. I've known the MM for 8 months and been "dating" for 4-5...not sure where you got one month from.

 

Also, yes the elitist age-ism business is rather tiring but it's something I'm constantly hearing, so...it is what it is.

 

At any rate, thanks for all of the responses. Good points, even though some of them are hard to swallow. Yes MM and I have discussed the age difference (18 years if you wish to know) and we both feel that we are mentally and emotionally compatible.

 

Today though, I'm wishing I could take a step bak, away from him so I could make this decision not based on him. I just don't know how to do it when I see him every damn day at work.

[ComingInHot]

leavethepieces,

Good Morning!

I was actually thinking about you last night*

Wanted to just share with you that My H is only 6 years older than me. Not a big deal right?

We have 2 beautiful, AMAZING (not that as parents any of us are bias or anything*) children. We thought we were done having more.

Then TICK TOCK, as I watched my children grow and I myself hit 32, I found myself wanting another baby. ((smile))

My H however was now 37 & was worried be would end up being an "old" parent by the time new baby was teenish. It bothered him greatly.

I even brought up adoption but he said he didn't want to be an old sap for his child... I understood this as my parents were older and they seemed to have exhausted the camp outs, disney trips etc... On my older brothers. (bummer)

To this day, I feel left wanting little even though so grateful and blessed w/our 2.

 

Just know, what we want changes sometimes and my M and stitch are Much more convenient and easy...

[georgia girl]

Leavethepieces,

 

Sadly, I was you once... in a way. When I was 27 years old, a 43-year-old fellow attorney asked me out. He was divorced and had quite a reputation. But, here I was, struggling to pay off college loans, working for a pittance (because young lawyers don't make much - don't kid yourself) and trying to build my own reputation. He did so much of the same stuff: he flattered me and said I was really a hard worker and smart; asked me out; spent money on me... the list could go on.

 

First of all, I was - and am - darned good at what I did. That wasn't flattering me; that was a recognition of who I am. I shouldn't have had my head turned by that.

 

Secondly, I was also the "old soul" type of person. Baby in the family by nine years; always playing catchup; stressful teen-age years learning more about marriage and fidelity than I needed to and way too sophisticated for my age.

 

So, I fell hard for this guy. And no one could tell me any differently. I thought he was the one. Then, one day, the switch turned off? Wanna know what happened?

 

I met up with some college friends and I was so proud to take my sophisticated, older boyfriend to meet them. I had arrived, so to speak. Then, I went to walk into the kitchen to get another drink and I heard two of my very close friends laughing about him and then promising not to say what the other person had said about him to me. You see, the guys had been out playing volleyball and it was a hot day by the beach. So, they had stripped down to just shorts. There's a big difference between a fit older man's body - with gray hair - and a younger man's body. It was a stark difference to them. They thought it was funny but they were willing to support me.

 

But I realized what we must look like. An old fart with a young girl. And I realized I was a cliché. As much as I told myself it didn't matter, within weeks my feelings had completely died. I was embarrassed that other attorneys knew we were dating where before I had been proud. My parents' complaining about him now sounded valid. That's when I fully grasped the difference between infatuation and lust and real love.

 

Fast forward a whole lotta years and I am married to a man who is nine months my senior. We are in the same stages of life. We do a number of the same things. There is so much shared history such as growing up and doing the same things or watching the same shows.

 

I'm not saying that age difference can't work, but before you make a lot of drastic, hard to reverse maneuvers, I'd test this thing out a whole lot more. And I would advise you to never, ever, try to conduct two primary relationships again. Look at how its messed up your life.

 

Good luck. At 24, you've got this wonderful life to live. Hitching yourself up to an old fart where in 15 years, he's talking about social security and you're in the prime of your life is kind of cheating yourself.

[Artie Lang]

look, it sounds like you want to bolt from your marriage and want to shack up with this old geezer. if this is true then stop BS'ing and divorce your husband.

 

it's cowardly that you want your husband to pull the trigger for you, so you can say that he was the one who ended things. this would absolve you of your guilt for the end of the marriage. clever girl.

 

it really doesn't matter how old you are because people of all ages make piss-poor decisions all the time- being an "old soul" makes no difference.

[leavethepieces]

Thank you for the advice...especially the two ladies at the end. So much has developed since, but I took a weekend away at a friends to think. What I realized:

 

AP only comes around when he needs me to make him feel better or when he is worried about some other fallout.

 

My husband has changed so much since I told him...and for the better. He reacted in such a different way than I thought he would.

 

I owe it to my child, him and myself to try to fix things.

 

So, AP had distanced himself from me for a couple of days and then I finally sent him an email saying that if I were going to make a decision apart from him, I would 100% want to fix my marriage. His response was so cold, like he didn't care. I felt so incredibly angry that he was just throwing me to the side like nothing and now I feel completely and totally used. There have been several angry and harsh things said over the last couple of days. (over email of course...he doesn't have the balls to do it in person.)

 

So now: moving on. I don't know how to do it when I see him at work every day. The past couple of days have been pure agony, with us completely ignoring each other. I even called in yesterday. I've decided to take a two week leave of absence from work and I hope it helps somewhat.

 

Some moments I feel like he is such a POS, I don't need to ever speak to him again...and then the next minute I want to cry and email him and ask why. UGH!!! This is horrible. I regret every moment of it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

After all that's transpired, your feelings are understandable. But now that you know him for what he is, it's time to focus on yourself, and your marriage.

 

The two weeks off will help-but time off, alone, won't make it go away. Especially since you're going to wind up seeing him at work again.

 

Hopefully in those two weeks, you start breaking ground with your husband. Remember: you need to be sure this is what you want to do. Don't reconcile solely because OM is out of the picture; do it because you love your husband, and want to fix things.

 

Best of luck.

[leavethepieces]

After all that's transpired, your feelings are understandable. But now that you know him for what he is, it's time to focus on yourself, and your marriage.

 

The two weeks off will help-but time off, alone, won't make it go away. Especially since you're going to wind up seeing him at work again.

 

Hopefully in those two weeks, you start breaking ground with your husband. Remember: you need to be sure this is what you want to do. Don't reconcile solely because OM is out of the picture; do it because you love your husband, and want to fix things.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks, I know. I'm definitely not doing it solely because OM is out. I had made my decision either way.

 

But ugh, I want the OM to come crawling back for the third time so I can kick him while he's down. Terrible, I know.