Anyone been in a similar situation?

[j_nelson]

Alright...quick version...was with gf (now ex) for nearly 5 years...we go to different schools a long way apart...first two years of university we did long distance....end of last school year we broke up (me being an idiot - didn't cheat or anything)....spent last summer in different cities, saw each other about 5 times the entire summer (I stayed with her for a few days, she visited me a couple of times).....intimate when we saw each other....last month or so of summer I decide enough is enough, I can't keep being friends with her when I actually want more...do no contact.....day before I fly back to school girl calls tells me 'she loves me, misses me and wants to do it right this time'....I get to school, we talk on msn, she calls etc....she flies out to come and see me for a long weekend...things go great..the whole time we have been at school we have got along great..when she came to visit me it was just like we were together...

 

fast forward....its been a couple weeks since she was here...the other day I asked her what was going on...told her I didn't want to get my hopes up (reconciliation) only to be disappointed....she told me she didnt want that either but she doesnt think we will be together at all during university (we have the rest of this year and next year left)....says she wants a bf she can see whenever she wants, something 'real' not just the internet or phone....this kind of surprised me since the last two years we were together she always said distance wasn't the problem...she said that she loves me and would love to be together under 'normal circumstances' - (in the same town)....so what happens now...things were great when we were friends the last month or so but that was only because I thought we were going to get back together sometime soon....now that she is telling me we won't be together, I don't really see a point in maintaining a friendship without any sort of commitment....

 

- we have been broken up for 7 months....

 

anyone else in a similar situation? what have you done or what would you do? Keep in mind that I do really want to be with this girl....

[neptoon]

You did no contact when you really wanted her back???

 

I've been on the receiving end of it and when I break up with a guy because of something he did and he doesn't call, I take it that he doesn't really care about me -- that there are other interests in his life and I'll start emotionally detaching myself.

 

What's with everyone implementing no contact anyway? What happened to good old-fashioned dialogue to work through things?

 

Talk to her. She's uncomfortable with the lack of closeness and you're not addressing the problem. Also, I think she might be uncomfortable with a few other things (whatever it was why the two of you broke up in the first place). She might be thinking that you just want to call her your girlfriend without addressing the problems that are important to her.

[j_nelson]

Yes, I did do not contact when I really wanted her back. I did this to prevent myself from being hurt mostly, but also I admit, for her to miss me.

 

She's saying she will never do a long-distance relationship again...I can't really do anything about that...I am at university playing a sport..I can't just transfer....I think she is definitely afraid of being hurt again (when we broke up at the end of last year it really hurt her... a lot)....I have talked to her about why we broke up in the first place and I am definitely ready to address problems she had/has....

[Weird]

Originally posted by neptoon

You did no contact when you really wanted her back???

 

I've been on the receiving end of it and when I break up with a guy because of something he did and he doesn't call, I take it that he doesn't really care about me -- that there are other interests in his life and I'll start emotionally detaching myself.

 

What's with everyone implementing no contact anyway? What happened to good old-fashioned dialogue to work through things?

 

Talk to her. She's uncomfortable with the lack of closeness and you're not addressing the problem. Also, I think she might be uncomfortable with a few other things (whatever it was why the two of you broke up in the first place). She might be thinking that you just want to call her your girlfriend without addressing the problems that are important to her.

 

So are you saying you dump a guy and then expect him to call and if he doesnt you don't think he cares? That is SO WRONG. You are playing a game and it is a silly game. The reason people who get "dumped" do no-contact is because if they contact thier exes they can then fug with their emotions and make them feel like crap acting like the dumpee can't just "move on" and other junk. Basically, they would give the person who dumped them all the pwoer and that isn't right.

 

How about if you want to work things out wiht a person and you break up with them you contact them rather than wait.

 

No of course if you are the one who got "dumped" then yeah, makes sense the other person contacts you if they actually care.

[Weird]

j nelson,

 

sounds like she is scared and also is just frustrated by the distance thing and doens't want to keep it going on and have both end up hurt. Basically, I think she is not willing to put in the effort right now to make it work.

 

If you feel confident she will be with you after school then I say just hang around as a friend and don't press the situation. Or, just give her tons of space and see if she comes back to you wanting to in fact keep the long distance relationship going.

 

What I do know is that it doesnt sound like this is anything about you and she probably still has the same feelings and continue to do so if she truly believes in them/you. Basically, you have to let her work out her issues before anything can happen. Nothing you can do short of moving right there and doubt you can do that.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I agree with the above person. I think that since there isn't anything that was that terrible that took place in your relationship it is entirely possible to be together later. Why be in a bad long distance relationship and be a bad boyfriend/girlfriend to mess things up, when you two can be friends, and later pick up where you left off. So, what you do is right now find ways to be a better couple when you do pick up. You take this time to work on yourself, and give her this time to work on herself. I think that sometimes impatience can ruin a potentially good relationship.

 

Oh, but I'm not saying that you should "wait" for her, or be "the faithful ex," but what I am saying is that both of you need to avoid miscommunication or NONcommunication, because both leaves the other person with messages that you weren't trying to even send them. I think that you both need to be clear on your intentions, and live your lives (for now), try keeping in contact and being positive with each other, try being friends (which is an essential ingredient in a relationship anyway), and if you can't be friends with her because you want more NOW, then she might get upset and decide "not now or later" if that's what you want, and it's an all or nothing kind of thing, then you have to do what you have to do. If you feel like you are being strung along, stop letting yourself get strung along.

[Weird]

2ndconfusedfemale,

 

totally agree. you should talk to my ex. Smack some sense into her.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Originally posted by Weird

2ndconfusedfemale,

 

totally agree. you should talk to my ex. Smack some sense into her.

 

lol Weird, I read your post about your ex, and I was just smiling at her behavior. I responded about her too, but I didn't take hers that serious.

[Weird]

hehe.

 

the best is when she monitors my online IM activity and messages me within 3.2 seconds if she thinks I am there at my comp and can chat to her. I know she doesn't do this with others, she always did this when we were together and I know when we are chatting she is focussing on that ebcause she posts her replies instantly.

 

Every single person who has been kept up to date on this crap from me (and I kick the total truth to them sometimes showing them the exact stuff that is said in our chats) thinks she is scared. I just shake my head because this girl shoudn't feel all scared to tell me her real feelings and such. Guess she thinks being cautious and trying to "play it cool" are the ways ot handle things. All we (my and other peeps) think is that she is being crazy. Most people have no idea how I deal with it. I just shrug my shoudlers and realize hey, it isn't stressing me out so no biggie. hehe.

[j_nelson]

Hey..thanks for your replies...

 

I agree that she sounds scared...and the distance thing seems to be frustrating her. I can't understand that though since we already went through two years of it and she never once complained about the distance. I do think that we have a good chance at being together later on...but I wish I didn't want to be with her NOW ..would make things a lot easier. If I decide to stop contact with her it will be going against what I want, but I figure no contact will cause less problems in the long run.....compared to if I stay friends with her and 'hope' that something happens....what if nothing happens? Then I put in all that time for nothing.... I have done no contact with her before, and she has called me and said all the right things "I miss you/love you/want to be together" etc.....and then she doesn't act on it... I guess that is her way of trying to keep me close.....

 

If I end the friendship with her now, we both lose...we aren't friends (what she wants) and we aren't together (what I want)....does this make sense at all? I want her to WANT to be together, regardless of where we are...I don't want her to feel guilted into getting back together....

[Weird]

When I was with my ex she was going to uni and I work full time. We were about 1.5 hours away so we had a long distance thing and only saw each other on the weekend and sometimes not every weekend. The distance thing really got to her but she didn't tell me this until at the end and she just kept in how much it was hurting/frustrating her. Your ex may have done the same. Most likely did.

 

I of course didn't like the distance thing but realized it was a temporary thing and the time woudl coem when we coudl be clsoer and be together more.

 

You are in the situation I was in...my ex wanted to still remian friends and I said no way. I tried to play along but couldn't because it frustrated me as there was unfisnihed stuff about the relationship hanging over my head and I felt she cheated me by not trying to fix the things that were problems. We then had a big fight and stopped talking for 1.5 years but we both thought about each other during that time and wanted to be back in communication. She then contacted me last month (I had to sorta lead her to do this by dropping hints I was open to her talking to me) to apologize and now we are back talking to each other.

 

I say you do the friends thing. You have nothing to lose and only a potential second chance/life with her to gain if you feel you still want that when the time comes you two may consider getting back together.

[gersanos]

Weird - how did you drop these hints? I'm in a similar situation, and said no to friends for the same reasons, so I slammed the door shut. Fast forward now, and I really miss talking with her. I don't want to just up and call her, but would slowly like to re-establish a connection of friendship.

[Weird]

well after the fight and end to communication she emailed me a few months later on my bday and that made me realize she still cared. Then at xmas last year she signed onto the IM program for the first time since we had that fight (which was in april) and she didn't say anything but I knew she wanted to talk to me so I emailed her some xmas greetings. She messaged me right away after getting the email and said merry xmas, etc and tried to start up some polite chit-chat. I was busy ad didnt wat to talk so I ended it quickly. Then for the next week or so she started signing on the IM program and would jsut sit there for 30 mins then sign off. I then emailed her after the week ro so she did this and asked her if she was doing that cuz she wanted to talk to me and said if she ever wants to tell me something she is free to call me. She emailed back saying she was signing on for me but figured if I wanted to chat I would have messaged her.

 

For the next month she occasionally would sign on and quickly sign off of the IM program. Like within 5 seconds. She stopped doing this and did not come onlien for a few months until her birthday in April. That ngiht she signed on 3 times most likely looking to see if I'd say happy bday. I didn't. I then emailed her a week later wishing her belated bday greetings and told her if she has an interest in hanging out and seeing if we could give things another shot she should just tell me that because I would be interested in it. She wrote back saying she does want m back in her life as a friend but she needed a couple more months of space because she was busy and stuff. So after that she never showed up on the IM program for exactly 2 months. Then one night she signed on but again didn't say anything. Just sat there. She did this for a week (remember, she was the one telling me she needed a couple months so it was her job to message me when she was ready) and then I wrote another email telling her it was silly and if she wants to talk to me to just do it. Never heard from her until exaclty another 2 months later when she started signing on again. The funny thing was she would sign on and if I didnt have an away emssage up she woudl stay online for like 5-15 minutes and then sign off realizign I wasnt gonna message her. If I had an away message up she would sign on/off in the time it took to read the away message. She would do this multiple times in the evening. I thought ti was all just silly so I was whipping up away messages that were directed towards her but not by name. Just general comments that i knew she would realize were for her. Eventually after a month of doing this she called me and asked if she coudl come talk to me. She did, apologized and admitted she was doing the IM sign/off stuff for me and was reading every message I would put up and she knew they were directed towards her. I told her she should have just messaged me or called me rather than do the sign on/off thing but she is one of those people who has issues with making amove.

 

So that is how I lead her out to contact me. I was 99% sure she wanted to be back in my life for the whole time (meaning for more thna year we didnt talk) which is why I sent those emails recently (i thought it was silly to not contact someone I had such a past with ) but I figured even if she didn't I had nothing to lose so why not do it anyway. Yes, me not messaging her when she kept signing on/off was somewhat silly and "game-ish" but I figured hey, I have always put myself out on the line and made the move with her and extended the olive branch so it is time she did something to prove to me she has the ability to take a chance even though it wasnt that big a chance because she knew I would be receptive to talking to her again.

 

My advice though is if you want to talk to this girl you send her an email or something asking what's up. I somewhat regret not just messaging my ex when she started to sign on/off earlier in the year or during the month before she called me. It was sorta wasted time.

[j_nelson]

Weird - So you were in a situation like this too...and like me, you thought being friends would be too hard....You said you became frustrated....I have felt that way too in the past when trying NC.....but you aren't with her now, right? What is happening?

 

You say that I should do the friends thing, that I have nothing to lose and only a potential second chance/life with her to gain if you feel you still want that when the time comes you two may consider getting back together.....

 

If I be friends with her the whole time and get attatched to her again only to see that she doesn't want to be together, then what?

 

Have any of you ever started off as friends and then slowly gotten back together?

[Weird]

j nelson,

 

nope, not with her right now nor do I want to be with her unless she changes in some areas that she needs to change. I am just friend with her now.

 

Yes, I was frustrated with the way things were when I first (last year after the break) tried to just hang as friends with her although to be honest, we basically acted the same and did the same stuff as when we were together so we weren't totally "just friends." The thing that has changed with me is that over the last year I just have concluded that I can't control anything and if we are meant to eventually get back together we will and hanging out as friends is fine because at least we still have each other in our lives. Also helps that the time of not talking to her has made me see that if nothing happens and we totally end communication for good down the road I know my life is fine without her in it. Basically, I love her and want to be with her (again, if she changes some things on how she handles stuff) but I am fine if I am not ever with her. I'm not as attached as I was after we first broke up. To be honest, I thought when she came over last month that I would go back to being all sad and stuff like I was after the breakup but I wasn't. It is like I care about stuff with us but I dont care about it at the same time.

 

If you are confident she does want to be with you eventually then it makes sense to stay in her life. If you think she truly means what she says and won't ever change her mind then hey, don't waste your time being friends if it will only really bug you. Or, stay friends if you can handle it and at thevery elast you can say you tried and put in the effort to show you would be there for a 2nd chance.

 

I think this stuff all comes down to a perosn taking a gamble...you can get screwed and be left with more time wasted or you may get the jackpot which is being back together. Or, you may find that you really dont want to be together with that person and you are left feeling good about yourself.

[j_nelson]

Yeah I don't really know what to do...