My ex does things that don't make sense...Please Help

[Jai]

Hello to everyone,

 

There are a couple things that maybe you guys can help me out understanding. So far everyone at LS have been very helpful in helping me get back on my feet. Now here is what I can't understand about my ex. We were together for 5 1/2 years and we had an up and down relationship but we always seemed to work things out. Well my ex had been confused for a few monthes before we broke up and the week before we broke up we went out for dinner and talked. She told me that I made her sooo happy and that she wanted to be with me......one week later she left me and started up with another guy. I was destroyed. I tried to get her back occasionally in the past couple monthes but her head is not in the right place right now. She seems to be having an identity crisis.

 

So anyways I have a couple questions that maybe you guys can give me some ideas as to why she is doing the things she is doing.

 

1) If you tell someone that you are done for good and tell them you can't be friends with them then why keep me on MSN messenger and keep my number stored in her phone. She doesn't have me blocked or anything. Why would you want to keep in contact with someone that aparantly doesn't mean anything to you. Do you see this as her being confused and trying to hold on to me still. Personally I know that what she says and her actions are completely confusing. She says that she pretty much wants nothing to do with me but if that is the case then why do this. Also when we see eachother in person she is so sweet and the way she looks at me is like she is so in love with me but when I talked to her on the phone she got cold. I know that if I said I wanted nothing to do with someone I would change all means of then contacting me.

 

2) Why does she feel guilty. I mean if this is what she wanted to do and she has no feelings for me anymore why feel guilty. This one especially doesn't make sense.

 

3) Whenever we would talk I would ask a question like what are you up to this weekend. She gives me all her plans, what time she is going to be home, who she's going with so on and so on. Why does she feel she needs to give me all this info. Seems like she is trying to earn some trust back maybe....i dunno.

 

My major question is what is she holding on to and why can't she either just go away completely or come back and tell me she made a mistake. I love this girl so much and although I feel as if I got the royal screw job in this situation I understand that she is going through some tough times right now and with the outside influences it wasn't helping our relationship and definately wasn't helping her either. The guy she left me for is gone now. LOL Like I didn't know that was going to happen.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated especially from the ladies on the board as I have seen a trend of women acting this way. Now I don't want to hear. "NO CONTACT" as I have just recently went into no contact with her....it has been a week now and I am coping but still want her back. I may be stupid but I know how I feel and know that what I feel for her is true.

 

Thanks,

 

Jai

[Weird]

Welcome to the world of confusing ex girlfriends acting weird.

 

I am with you on the points you bring up. I wonder the same thing about people who do that. The only logical explanation I come up with is that they want to keep the person in their life because they are

 

a) too confused to know wtf they want

b) like having the person there as backup in case the grass isn't greener on the other side

 

Honestly, it does sound like she still has strong feelings for you but is scared or something and wants you to put up with this confusion and sees it kinda like a test.

 

If you want, go tell her you are interested in a new girl and see if she gets all pissy. I am willing to bet she does and if so, that is the sure fire way to know she still wants to be with you because why would a perosn who has no feelings for another person get upset that they are seeing someone else? Naturally she probably would deny this because she can't admit her feelings to you.

[gersanos]

I concur with Weird. I am experiencing points 1 and 2 with my X right now. Although we are doing no contact right now, she still has me on her buddy list unblocked. I know this because I get chat invitations from her on occasion (her program has a bug that sends it out to everyone on the list), and I did the whole snooping thing after we broke up and would read her profile to see what it said.

 

The other thing is with her feeling guilty. Only she truly knows why she's feeling this way, and she may not even realize why at this point. It may be because she felt that it won't work, and even though she broke it off, is still expereincing loss, it may be because she is regretting her decision, it may be that she knows that she is at fault why things didn't work out, etc. The list can go on and on, and more than likely its a couple of factors as opposed to just one.

 

My last note is still hanging in her locker on campus. Don't know what purpose that is serving for her. Maybe she's not wanting to let go. There are other minor things like this that made me wonder sooo much when we broke up, but then I finally stopped reading into it.

 

Like Weird mentioned, she is either A) too confused or B) back-up. I would mention scared as well; took the easier, softer way out of it by running away, rather than addressing the issues. But you can also argue that she didn't take the easier way out by ending it because she knew that it wasn't going to work. Either way it's her beef. You gave it your all and know that you treated her well. She probably does still have feelings for you, and is scared/confused/immature/etc., and just needs to figure this out with herself. You need to focus on you, as hard as it seems, and just work on you.

 

With my X, I would have to say that she did get scared, then confused, and wanted to keep me as a back-up. She has no idea what she wants at this point, and who knows if she ever figures it out. All I can do is give her space and live my life. Worry about what to do with her if and when she comes back into my life.

[Weird]

yes forgot scared. My ex ALWAYS takes the easy way out of stuff by running away. Even now after we have finally started talking again she tries to avoid things. Hell, she was the one who told me she wanted to hang as friends and now she is saying she doesn't know and is trying to use my being hurt as the excuse rather than she is jsut afraid of what may happen (ie she may start feeling stronger about me and wanting to be wiht me but at the same time can't because of her busy life) so she thinks not hanging is the solution. It is so retarded and all I do now is shake my head at it all. She has no idea what she wants and like you mentioned with your ex, I don't know if she ever will. All I know is I don't want to deal with that again so for me to even try again with her she needs to grow up emotionally and understand rough spots and s*** happens in any relationship. All I do is live my life while keeping the door open of her figuring stuff out and us getting back together. I would not lock that door but at the same time I do not sit at it like the doorman waiting.

 

Oh one funny thing my ex does with me on her buddy list...she will be studying or away from her comp in her room but she tracks my status online by glancing at the screen every couple minutes ot see if I am back. I got her to admit to doing this 2 weeks ago. To me, that is a funked up signal from someone who tries to imply she doesn't have feelings now. I have a million other things she does/say that show she is confused (one convo we had she was practically going back and forth between talking aout us hanging just being friends and us trying things out again) but I wont waste anyone's time here.

[gersanos]

Weird brings up an interesting point. My X also mentioned to me that she doesn't want to hurt me, but I truly believe it's because she is too afraid to really open herself up to someone and be vulnerable; that things may work themselves out. I think it is a cop-out for her saying that. We did get really close, but once things got little sour, she got scared and ran away. She just avoided pain for herself. She wasn't willing to throw herself out there, and may have numbed some of her pain by just booking. Not the best way to deal with relationships, or any kind of problems that life throws your way. You cannot run forever, and eventually it will catch up with you.

[Weird]

we date the same girl?

 

yeah my ex has issues with handling her emotions and if rough spots hits she runs away or gives up. I told her she does that and has done it (specifically with me) since I have known her and she admitted to it. If you knew her you'd see what a step that is for her because she is very stubborn.

 

If she doesnt mature in this area then she will never have a meaningful relationship including a second chance with me because I would not deal wiht that again. Wonder if she realizes that.

[beautiful]

I like to put my 2 cents worth in your guy's conversation a little as a woman.

Women and Men KNOW what they want! There is no if's and but's about this. Lets please not be confused about this.

 

People that dump people and say "Oh I don't want to hurt you" that is a bunch of straight bs! They know they hurting people and they don't want to feel bad themselves. So they make up these sorry little excuses.

 

The dumped make up a lot of excuses, oh she/he was scared, confused etc etc etc , a bunch of bs!

 

The simple fact remains, if someone does not want to be with you, move on. Let go with love! Stop talking about it! It is over!

 

One can't move on by constantly thinking about the break and how much they miss their ex's.

 

It keeps one from being with someone much better. No one is going to approach one by feeling so low about oneself.

 

So why do the self punishment? Break-ups hurt and they happen. If someone can't move on in a healthy way, that is probably why the break up happen in the first place.......it was an unhealthy relationship, a one sided one!

 

I see ex's going back to ex's like it is an honor only to get dumped again the first chance that comes along.

 

I do believe that a break up could lead to a make up but ONLY IF both partners put in the self work and truly have a loving and respectful committment towards one another. Everything else is bs. It is wishful thinking that won't happen.

 

Stop thinking about why she'/he has this n that or why she/he says this n that, it does not matter! They gone because they WANT TO BE GONE!

 

My bf gave me the same lecture about how he does not want to hurt me but he has to do what he has to do. So I said ok. Let him go with love and I am living my life and it is a happy one. I am having fun dating and being around friends and family.

 

We had an absolute wonderful relationship. Never any drama, great sex and we got along just wonderfully. I am still in love with him however I get over that after a while by simple being happy. He has already contacted me over and over but guess what........it is over for good!, there is no second chance for me with him because this will happen again in the future. I allow him back, he will do it again. I cried for days to get it out of my system, picked up my bible and reminded myself how loved I am by so many wonderful people. I made my peace and moved on and YES it can be done if YOU WANT to just that fast.

 

A man that can't make up his mind to be with someone as smart and beautiful as me, he missed the train in my book. NEXT!

 

Now this may sound cold , like I don't have feelings for him however I do. I am simply taking care of me and respect and love myself enough to know that I will not get caught up in something so dysfunctional.

 

The Sky Is The Limit! Get out there and live and stop thinking about the one who dumped you. It is so self destructive. The power is within YOU. You control your thoughts and your actions. Why not be happy?

 

Good Luck to all of you

Huggs

[Weird]

Riiiiiiiiiight.

 

EVERYONE just has their minds made up. That is why you see people who break up, go for a rebounder then go back to their exes. I guess that is how they planned it. Uh huh. Humans just poof, pop out of their mothers at the highest level of maturity and can make every decision a rational one. I mean, nobody EVER admits they are confused and make a choice and then regret the choice or change that choice shortly afterward.

 

Oh and then there is the wonderful logic that ANYONE you date afterward will be better simply because it is the new relationship. Good one. So you think there is NO CHANCE a person could have found "the one" for them early on and anything after will not be as good? WOW. That must be great logic to have...can we use it in every other area of life? Hmm, I guess the current U.S. pres is the best U.S. pres ever since he is the newest one. After all, past presidents are in the past so obviously they can't be better than what we have right now! Oh, a dude just got fired from his job and got a new job that pays less woth more work and more hours...but this job is better because heaven forbid if his old job he got canned from was better! Nope, that would mean he actually thinks about things rather than just chuck all his past memories/experiences into one big garbage can and think they have to be inferior to whatever he faces in the present or the future.

 

And yeah, people shouldn't think about WHY the realtionship ended. Nah because that would just actually HELP them for any future relationships they may have with others or with the person they had the first breakup with. Here that everyone? If you break up never wonder why it hapepned. Just keep being the same way you were and HOPEFULLY you can have the exact same results in a new relationship meaning another break up. Don't waste time wondering why things happen. Just shrug your shoudlers and move on and hope somehow you magically correct whatever issues you may have with yourself that may have influenced your break up in the first place.

 

Beautiful, for the sake of humanity, please never get married. All that will end up happening is you will be getting divorced repeatedly because from the sound of it, you have no clue that people can actually change for the better and can truly mean what they say. You sound like you can't face rough spots or decisions and choose to run away.

 

It would be HILARIOUS to me if in a few years you look back and see that your ex you mention here was indeed a great match for you but because you refused to give the guy a second change for FEAR things woud not improve (what, are you two lacking in intelligence that you guys cant see past problems and make sure they don't happen?) you blew it. Naturally you would NEVER admit to this because you work under the philosophy that anything new is better than old and that you CAN'T EVER make a mistake or bad choice. Sad...it really is sad. You know why many second chances don't work? Because the people involved are dumb or stubborn and don't understand that things need to be corrected/changed that were issues in the first relationship. Humans by nature are stubborn and refuse to criticize themselves or change themselves for others and that is why 2nd chances often end up the same way as the 1st time.

 

BTW, not everyone who actually thinks about their ex or keeps the door of a reconciliation open is just sitting there moping around and crying every 3 seconds. Most (at least me) wonder why things happened the way they did and have "moved on" and live their lives and are happy but at the same time keep the door open because maybe JUST MAYBE an ex will one day regret what happened and we have enough respect for them that we would give them a chance to prove they want things to work. This will be hard for you to grasp but there ARE OUTSIDE CIRCUMSTANCES that cause people to make irrational choices and cause things to nto work between people. And get this...those circumstances usually go away and what does that leave? It leaves the two people being able to do the relationship the way they wanted to do it in the first place. If people are willing to accept that then why do you think they should just close the doors on a second chance? Because YOU can't do that? Sounds like a plan babe.

 

Does that mean people who do that would never date others? No. I know for me I choose not to date anyone new because I like being single and because I actually still love my ex enough that I would not be able to give a new relationship a 100% effort. Sorry, but I don't believe in doing rebound relationships where I just try and wash away my feelings for my ex by fuggin someone else. Not everyone is like you. Not everyone can just try and forget what they felt and go and screw others just to suppress their feelings.

 

It amuses me that you say you still love your ex but you go on about seeing other men...I would NOT want to be one of those guys you date cuz it would piss me off knowing you still had love for another person and weren't going to be giving me your whole heart. Thank God I will never be in that position!

 

It is funny you think that thinking about an ex a person TRULY LOVES is dysfunctional yet going out and dating others and trying to suppress that love you have for the ex is healthy. AND, you think not questioning why things happen is the best way to go about livng one's life. HA. Sorry, but I will question why things happen in my life and I will try and improve myself from them rather than keep being ignorant and thining I am the cat's ass and everyone should see that about me. I am flawed and if thinking about why a breakup happened will make me become a better man then I AM ALL FOR IT. Man, if I did what you seem to think is "healthy" I would never have matured the way I have and I would prolly make the same mistakes with another girl but hey, it would be their fault, right? Of course not. If a second chance with my ex never occurs (and really, I will not lose sleep if it doesnt because I am not losing sleep now) I will know that by actually thinking about why things didnt work, analyzing myself and analyzing how women function (most women seem to be the exact same way judging by what I see) I know that any future relationship would be hella good because I did this. If went by your logic, I'd just be going from relationship to relationship having them all end the same and not even give one second fo thought of why that is happening.

 

But hey, everyone can do what they want. If you want to go date the world's billions of males then go right ahead. I'd rather take the time and find the right one (whom maybe I have found in my ex...I dunno for sure) and be with her rather than have a hge list of people I dated simply to have that under my belt.

 

All I know is I am tired of people saying it is not healthy to think about a break-up/ex and be curious about why it happened and act like dating others is the only way to "move on" and other illogical ****. I hate the ASSumption that if a person thinks about this stuff they somehow are all depressed and aren't enjoying their lives.

 

BTW how old are you? No offense but from what you say you sound like you are early 20s.

[j_nelson]

I agree here..I'm not even going to say anything....everything has been said...

[Jai]

Well said Weird....it is true....the attitude of beautiful is the same attitude all of the young women are sporting these days. Whats up with that? I totally agree with you. I guess some people think that nobody can make mistakes.

 

Ohh well....for all those people out there that think that..........Have fun in the real world to all of you who THINK you know what life is all about. You obviously haven't lived enough....I know what my heart and mind tells me and in the end I still love my ex so much.

 

Think about this....I was working two jobs to save up enough money to get married to my ex. During this time I was working from 6:30 am - 9:30 pm every night then go home and go to bed. During this time another guy was buttering her up and seeming that she was lonely she started having feelings for him..............they are now broken up 2 monthes later. We have 6 years of history......I guess beautiful...you have never been in a relationship that has been that long and meaningful.

 

People make mistakes....if we didn't we would never learn anything.

 

 

Just my 2 cents....no offence beautiful....not trying to attack your post but I wasn't looking for the answer to my problems or what I should do....I was asking why people might think based on there experiences why she is acting this way. I am in a NO CONTACT phase right now and I am healing more and more everyday but I still want my ex and I will NOT move on (relationship wise) until I stop loving her.

 

 

 

Peace,

 

Jai

[Weird]

thanks guys.

 

Yeah, it is just so stupid to imply that because people broke up they can't still love one another and can't get back together. Also stupid to say outside forces don't have an influecne in why things went sour the first time. Take your situation...you were working for all those hours. Of course that had an effect on her and she was getting upset that you werent there hanging out with her like you used to and she sought company of another guy to fill that void and probably try and wash awya her feelings for you. Does that mean it would be a permanent thing? NO. You were doing it to buy her a friggin ring. But using Beautiful's logic, your ex shoud never sit back and see that you were doing something for a temporary period of time and (if you have told her) see you were doing it for HER BENEFIT. Nope, instead she should just chaulk you up to her past and move on. Screw 6 years. Seems like she tried that and it didn't work. She had the Beautiful mentality and nothing came of it except for her probably thinking she made a mistake.

 

What a society we live in where people refuse to work out issues (that usually are quite pety and can be solved if people put in 2 minutes of time and effort to fix them) and can't forgive people they love. WOW.

 

I am not gonna generalize all women nor am I trying to attack them (btw I think Beautiful sounds like a good person...I just dont like her mentality on this stuff) but I agree that this is the mentality of most young women today. I think it has to do with the fact they are all empowered now so they think "hey, I can go get another guy" and all this stuff rather than actually WORK FOR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING. What I love is that many seem to do that and then regret their choices down the road and only end up getting screwed over which chips away at their heart and mind.

 

Is it really better to just shrug your shoudlers and go seek someone else to try and make you happy or fill a void in your life or is it better to see the problems you had with a person YOU LOVED FOR YEARS and whom you know has the qualities you want in a partner and try and see if things can be fixed with a little communication and compromise? I say the latter but apparently many say the former. Sad...but hey, at least lawyers love it since they make the cash from all the divorces that occur from that type of "run away when things go bad" mentality.