Engaged, but tempted by an old flame

[just_some_guy]

I have a female friend I have known since before my last marriage. There was no romantic interest prior, but after separation and subsequent divorce, things heated up a little. It never really progressed far, we fooled around a bit, but never slept together.

 

Because we were both in difficult circumstances, me adjusting to single life and her dealing with the prolonged sickness (and eventual death) of an elderly parent, she broke it off with me and we decided to remain friends. But we did and still do, love each other.

 

I met a woman shortly afterward and we hit it off. Her and I have been doing well and having a good relationship for the last couple of years. We decided to get engaged 8 months ago, but with no set date, just open-ended engagement, take it very slow.

 

Lately, the woman who was my long time friend and I have become interested in each other again. First it was just a spontaneous kiss, we withdrew from it, admitted that there was still some lingering attraction, but nothing should change. We went on as normal friends for a few more weeks, but recently, it happened again, more passionately. I haven't been able to get her out of my head since that first kiss.

 

I'm torn. Instead of bubbling with excitement or flattery, I'm depressed and angry. Everything was going smooth with my fiancé all nice and predictable and now things had to change. The woman I've known longer is a better match, intellectually and sexually. My fiancé is definitely an emotional match and solid companion, though not as sexually compatible and not as much on an intellectual level. I'd have them both, if I could, but of course, that would never work. I could easily love either one completely and wholly, and different things appeal to me about each of them.

 

I have never cheated on a relationship in my life, despite two prior marriages.

 

All I can think to do is hold all of my feelings in. Maybe it would be better to have neither of them. I just feel miserable.

[umirano]

I am sorry, I can't make sense of what you're saying.

 

I

Because we were both in difficult circumstances, me adjusting to single life and her dealing with the prolonged sickness (and eventual death) of an elderly parent, she broke it off with me and we decided to remain friends. But we did and still do, love each other.

 

Were you single or not? How can she break it off with you if you were single? And why would someone break it off with her partner because of sick elderly parents?

[AMusing]

You are kissing another woman, and telling us that she's more compatible with you. You can't get your mind off this other woman. If you could have both women, you would. You're telling us your fiancee is not your intellectual/sexual match. The nicest thing you can say about her is that she's a solid companion and life with her is predictable.

 

There is nothing in your OP that indicates your current relationship will last. And why would you want it to? Some doubt is normal in an engagement. Some temptation is normal. But all this? Nope, it points to a relationship that will either end now, or end as your third divorce.

 

Be honest: what is stopping you from ending your engagement and pursuing this friend?

[loveunlimited]

.... I'd have them both, if I could, but of course, that would never work.

Glad you've come to this conclusion. I trust you know that nobody here would ever have recommended that, and would not applaud you for trying this?

 

I could easily love either one completely and wholly, and different things appeal to me about each of them.

I disagree. From what you say, the odds are stacked against your fiancée/current GF. You've made it quite clear that there is a 'definite attraction' in one direction, and an 'habitual settling' in the other.

 

I have never cheated on a relationship in my life, despite two prior marriages.

Good. Don't start now.

 

All I can think to do is hold all of my feelings in. Maybe it would be better to have neither of them. I just feel miserable.

No. you make it perfectly clear which one you want. You are just looking for the courage and cojones to do the right thing, which would be to finish with your fiancée and resume a liaison with this other woman. Sadly nobody can bestow that courage on you. Sometimes, you have to rip the plaster off hard, fast and momentarily painfully....

[gateway865]

Ok, it seems that you are lusting at the other girl and feel that it is worth giving up what you have now with your present girlfriend. To be honest i don't believe either relationship will work out.

 

I don't believe you love either of the girls as well. This is about to be your 3rd marriage and you have been a faithful partner up until now. I still see kissing as cheating ( which can be forgiven eventually ) but that is a bit crossing the line.

 

I say do the right thing and let your current GF go. End the relationship with her and give her a chance to find someone she would be truly happy with. If sex is the reason why you want to give this old flame a chance then your not ready to spend your life with this current girl. If the sex with the current GF was that bad or not up to your standards it probably wasn't a bright idea to continue the relationship as long as you did.

[just_some_guy]

Yeah, it is awful. And I feel awful for it. Its been over two years since the "old flame" decided it was best to not pursue a romantic relationship with me and we chose to stay in each other's lives only as friends. That's exactly what happened, with nothing at all sexual or romantic. Not even a kiss or anything out of the norm for platonic friends. All of the sudden, it just lit up again and I'm not sure why. I can't deny what I'm feeling, no matter how wrong it is.

 

My fiancé is a great woman and I fell for her big time right from the beginning. They are different women, that's for sure.

 

I was hoping someone else had found themselves in this situation and could offer some insight. I understand the anger, there are a lot of hurt people on this forum, especially from infidelity.

 

Crap track record, yes, I have that too. First marriage was short and first wife relapsed into a serious drug problem after a miscarriage, after many years of clean and sober before I even met her. I bounced out of that into a second marriage where I watched the second wife go from overweight to life-threatening obese and ultimately attempt suicide. So yes, a history of bad relationships.

[BeholdtheMan]

Engaged, but tempted by an old flame

Disengage

 

I read your whole post. I don't think you truly love you fiance. You just don't want to be alone. I think you should tell your fiance your feelings and what you've been up to. Let her decide.

 

Honesty should always be the first option, but sadly, people tend to treat it as the last

[Mint Sauce]

How come your feelings for this OW resurfaced? Are you sure they are genuine, or are they commitment fear wrapped up in gift wrapping?

 

Did you marry women with "deficiencies" to have something to justify an exit?

 

I'd say you need to dig deeper.

[LonelyInsomniac]

I have a female friend I have known since before my last marriage... things heated up a little.

 

...we did and still do, love each other.

 

This is the first problem. You're in love with someone other than your fiance, whom you're still in contact with. This is an emotional affair.

 

I met a woman shortly afterward and we hit it off. Her and I have been doing well and having a good relationship for the last couple of years. We decided to get engaged 8 months ago, but with no set date, just open-ended engagement, take it very slow.

 

Taking it slow would have meant giving yourself the time to get over your Emotional Affair Partner, whom never would have become that (unless you were already eyeing her in your last marriage as well) had you done so.

 

Second best choice: taking it slow would mean your rebound fiance was still just your girlfriend until you could settle on one woman, without leading on both.

 

Lately, the woman who was my long time friend and I have become interested in each other again... a... kiss, we withdrew from it, admitted that there was still... attraction, but nothing should change. We went on as "normal friends" for a few more weeks, but recently, it happened again, more passionately. I haven't been able to get her out of my head since that first kiss.

 

As usually happens, your emotional affair has escalated to a physical affair. Big surprise. And you're still in denial that an affair has even occurred.

 

It's too late, buddy. Everything has changed, and to top it off you've violated your fiance's trust and shat on any pretense of respect with all these excuses.

 

I'm torn. Instead of bubbling with excitement or flattery, I'm depressed and angry. Everything was going smooth with my fiancé all nice and predictable and now things had to change. The woman I've known longer is a better match, intellectually and sexually. My fiancé is definitely an emotional match and solid companion, though not as sexually compatible and not as much on an intellectual level. I'd have them both, if I could, but of course, that would never work.

 

I don't think you're ready for a relationship with anyone that isn't your own hand. If the first one's a "better match" intellectually, it's only because she realizes you're not someone trustworthy of a real relationship. Your fiance has my sincerest condolences for her soon to be shattered trust and world.

 

I could easily love either one completely and wholly

 

No. You can't love either - and you've already proven this with your affair. I don't understand how you entertain these delusions.

 

I have never cheated on a relationship in my life, despite two prior marriages.

 

You have got to be ****ting me.

 

Maybe it would be better to have neither of them.

 

Yes. Especially for them.

 

I just feel miserable.

 

I'm glad. It's possible that you might have a conscience after all.

 

If you're done feeling sorry for yourself and looking for sympathy, and you're actually thinking of working on saving your current relationship, you may want to take a look at this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[loveunlimited]

You never fell out of love with the first one. Being friends with someone you have deep feelings for is not being friends. it's just putting the deeper feelings on a back burner, to simmer quietly and guess what? they've come up to boiling point again. Sadly, however deeply you feel for your fiancée it's clear she was either a rebound or a 'filler' for your feelings. A marriage to this woman was never going to last if your head has been turned this easily by the 'ex'. Thank goodness it happened now before you married her.

be a man, put on your 'big boy now' pants, and end your engagement. Do the right thing. I think you know what that is, really. You just need to be brave enough to deal with it.

Unless of course, you could talk them both into sharing you, openly and with no secrets. It's been done before.

[aliveagain]

Can you please clarify something for me? You state that you and your old friend have never had sex together but than you say that she is better suited sexually to you, how can you know if she is better suited sexually if sex hasn't happened? I think you are being unfair to both women. You need to tell your fiancé the truth about your relationship, she needs to decide for herself if waiting for you to decide about marriage is something she wants to do. If you love her enough to marry her why are you still shopping around? You are setting yourself up for failure, call off the wedding until you really know what you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you please clarify something for me? You state that you and your old friend have never had sex together but than you say that she is better suited sexually to you, how can you know if she is better suited sexually if sex hasn't happened? I think you are being unfair to both women. You need to tell your fiancé the truth about your relationship, she needs to decide for herself if waiting for you to decide about marriage is something she wants to do. If you love her enough to marry her why are you still shopping around? You are setting yourself up for failure, call off the wedding until you really know what you want.

 

I was just going to ask the same thing. It's built on nothing but fantasy at this point.

[reardear]

This sounds sort of like what lead my girlfriend to cheat (except it wasn't as extreme as this). She had past feelings for him (he rejected her saying he didn't deserve her) but they remained friends. They didn't see each other but occasionally talked on Facebook or whatever. A few years after not seeing each other, they were alone and just talked for a good while about life and basically the tension and her lust lead to cheating. He wasn't single either. Neither of them planned or even thought of doing what they did until it just kind of all came out after a flirty joke.

 

I think we both know what you truly want. Just you having these feelings and thoughts will likely lead to you cheating in the end.

[just_some_guy]

I was just going to ask the same thing. It's built on nothing but fantasy at this point.

 

We fooled around, but did not have complete intercourse.

 

I think it will just burn itself out with no further action.

[Miss_Contemplating]

I am truly sorry, but I have to be blunt here.

 

Just you spontaneously kissing someone else - that is cheating. if your partner knew what you were doing and felt betrayed - that is cheating. Otherwise you can just go and stick a dick in her and label that as being faithful.

 

I'm sorry, but how can you live with yourself by betraying your fiancee like that? Seriously, you have feeling for someone else, and you think it's okay to be engaged and not tell your fiancee about it? I know you probably want some support and you didn't come here to be judged. But I am seriously curious, how do you keep a straight face around your fiancee? Did anything change between you two? Did she notice anything going on?

[salparadise]

How come your feelings for this OW resurfaced? Are you sure they are genuine, or are they commitment fear wrapped up in gift wrapping?

 

Did you marry women with "deficiencies" to have something to justify an exit?

 

I'd say you need to dig deeper.

 

This is along the lines of what I'm thinking... except that I suspect that he's attaching himself to women with deficiencies because of mutual need rather than healthy love, and it probably has something to do with fear of being alone and perhaps a predisposition to codependence (probably mutual).

 

The attraction to this other woman, the friend, could be a simple fear reaction. However, since he's thinking that the friend might be more compatible in several ways (this is not a momentary impulse) it really sounds as if the magic is not sufficient with the fiancee' to follow through.

 

But the real question OP needs to be asking is, does he truly love these women or does he attach based on some unknown need, and the women chosen because of their being a fit for that. The answer lies below the surface and won't be easy to uncover.

 

PS: congrats to the label makers... takes a lot of insight to make posts calling him a cheater. pffffft

[just_some_guy]

First wife - I was much younger. She had substance issues that resurfaced after a miscarriage. That was very traumatic. I got married to number two almost 5 years later. No substance issues at all. However, she gained a tremendous amount of weight over the years, life threatening levels, followed by a suicide attempt. There's more, lots of attempts at therapy for myself and and us.

 

So yeah, you could say I have issues. I won't argue it.

 

After separating and waiting for the divorce to go through, my friend and I started to explore our attraction for each other. It wasn't the right time, I was getting back on my feet and she dealing with an elderly parent with a prolonged chronic and ultimately fatal disease. Called it off, to return to being friends only. Some time after, I met my current fiancé, which has been ongoing for a couple of years now. Friend stayed friend all this time, no nothing. Everything was orderly.

 

But the kiss just happened out of the blue and it was like we had never parted. I don't think we are well matched in a day-to-day relationship way. But I want her, sexually, with an intensity I've never felt before. I just hope the feeling just fades away.

[Betterthanthis13]

I think you are not meant for monogamy. I think you are polyamorous.

[freetolove]

interesting dilemma, i think you're a complete ******* but i won't lie, it could have been me in your situation. this is how i see it, you current woman might be a little boring and predictable but she's unlikely to cheat on you. the other woman on the other hand, is willing to kiss/chase after an engaged man. says a lot about her character. if it does turn into a relationship, it's a pretty ****ed up one. my guess, lots of trust issues. btw, you're already cheating on your to-be bride.