Another one bites the dust

[Appleness]

Honestly haven't thought of this song until I renewed my CPR this past week, then lo and behold, 35 minutes after finalizing a date on Saturday, he texts back "I am longer interested in pursuing any relationship with you. The timing is off." Granted, I'm not a train wreck about it and I like that he was direct instead of doing the usual "fade out". It's hard to date with my school/work schedule and while I am generally told that I'm in the 6-7 range (without makeup in my normal clothes), the general consensus among my male friends is that I'm "pretty and nice but too smart". Since I can't ask my last date for feedback, I'd like to get the feedback of people here. I'm looking for mostly male feedback, but if females want to advise too, I'm not oppose it.

 

Things that I am or do that I cannot or will not change:

1. I don't wear makeup. I'm allergic to sunblock and have yet to find good products without SPF.

2. I don't drink. Both for professional reasons and because I'm allergic.

3. For those of you who are into psychology, I'm an xNTx type. Mostly, I judge/ evaluate people based on there actions and not what they say to me.

4. I don't tolerate cheating. I will stick by my man through just about anything else.

5. I think very analytically.

6. I'm an introvert and will occasionally need "me time". I also naturally prefer doing quieter/nerdier things (i.e. reading, computer stuff, working out on my own).

7. I don't do casual relationships.

 

Things that I'm hoping to find in a potential partner:

1. Willingness to learn or be openminded about new things.

2. Be fairly similar in needs and interests. I think datng another introvert may alleviate lots of pressure about having the "why won't you go clubbing with me" conversations.

3. Not a cheater (as mentioned above). Preferably this means he will also a good moral compass as in "if he feels it's wrong to cheat in a relationship, he will also not be cheating on his taxes."

4. Be happily employed. (I don't really care what you do, just that you're happy doing it).

 

Are there any of these that are dealbreakers and if so, which one(s)? Are any of these just asking for too much or am I just living in a really bad area?

[Maleficent]

Eh you sound just like me!

Would love to help but I'm 32 and single so my advice may not be the best...

 

As for the makeup, if the only reason you are not wearing any is your allergy, look for natural products - health food stores, lush etc

 

Other than that I would tell you to just remain who you are and do your thing. There is no need to change because you will eventually meet someone who will be just right.

Too smart? Pfffft!

 

Kuddos to the guy for not giving you the 'I'm not ready for a relationship' crap****.

[pcplod]

in·tro·vert

 

/ˈintrəˌvərt/

Noun

 

• A shy, reticent, and typically self-centred person.
  
• A person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
  

I don't see why what you seek should be a deal-breaker with the personality that meets them. I see no reason why there shouldn't be someone who does meet it. Whether you would proved to be attuned with them is, of course another matter.

 

What makes you an introvert? I don't necessarily see "doing your own thing" from time to time as being a definition of being and introvert. An introvert to me is someone who is poor at expressing themselves, is a poor and reluctant communicator. Personally, I would not be bothered because it is just too much darn hard work and I would always be wondering whether it was worth the effort and whether the introvert was really all that interested or whether the relationship was just a practical convenience. If that was the case, I might as well put out a classified ad asking for a room-mate or a house-share.

 

I guess two introverts can set up a relationship between them, but I would be asking what exactly they were wanting from it? What are the needs and interests of an introvert? I would have always assumed that the primary need of an introvert would be to be on their own and everything else would be secondary to that, sort of contradictory if not fundamentally so?

 

Superficially at least I would have assumed that an open-minded introvert was something of an oxymoron. I realise that it doesn't have to be, ultimately, but to me you sound like someone who is looking for an open-minded companion but are not particularly open-minded yourself. And that is coming from someone who is primarily and instinctively introverted but who likes being and can be extroverted to the point of being outrageous, although it will always be a conscious thought and effort.

 

Do you believe that your personality is a fixed quality and is it something you prefer to be or is it something that you simply accept that you are?

[Appleness]

No pcplod, I don't go by the dictionary definition of introvert but more an introvert according to Myers-Briggs. By that definition, being an introvert just means that a person get tired (drained, if you will) by being around lots of people rather than an extrovert who needs to be around people to feel charged. We are not poor communicators, just we don't speak up about everything but usually what happens is when you have several introverts who all like the same thing, it's quite literally impossible to get them to shut up about it. As far as whether it's worth it... I guess it's a bit like Capt. Edward Smith questioning whether that iceberg is a threat. Introvert always have a lot going on but it's usually below the surface.

 

I'm not exactly sure which specific thing you reference when you say that I don't sound open-minded. I'm hoping that most people would agree that avoiding anaphylactic shock doesn't qualify as being close-minded. Open-mindedness and an open personality are two very very different things.

 

I like my personality, who I am, and what I do well enough. I respect that in my age group, there are many people who can't fathom why someone would choose not to party all the time, drink until their blood becomes alcohol, or engage in other risky behaviors. I respect their prerogative. It's just not my thing.

 

I guess I should be more clearer about my question then: Given the traits I listed above, is there any one or several thing that would make a man (specifically, a more mature man) say for example "hmmm, yeah I'm not comfortable with a woman who doesn't drink" or "I can't see myself with a woman who wants to get a Ph.D"

[Mrlonelyone]

Appleness.

 

None of the things on your list are deal breakers. As you are an analytical person I will break this down for you numerically using myself as an example.

 

All I ask for in a female mate is that they be between the ages of 22 and 36, not overweight, and a college graduate. About 25% of the population is female between 22 and 36. 30% have a 4 year degree. and 30% are not overweight or obese. That list of three things reduces the number of people acceptable to me to 2.3% of the population of the United States of America. That works out to 7.8 million people. If half of that number are married. then it's 3.9 million.

 

As an educated, intelligent woman who works out and is in good shape you are in the top 2% of people mentally and physically. Then on top of that you ask for someone who isn't a cheater. It seems to me people at the top of the pyramid are more likely to cheat due to their attractiveness as a mate.

[Appleness]

Appleness.

 

As an educated, intelligent woman who works out and is in good shape you are in the top 2% of people mentally and physically. Then on top of that you ask for someone who isn't a cheater. It seems to me people at the top of the pyramid are more likely to cheat due to their attractiveness as a mate.

 

Thanks for the math breakdown. I actually crunched the numbers myself prior to starting up the dating again but this helpedremind me and to keep my perspective. It might be true what you say but I sometimes feel that it gets lonely at the top. I live in a place where the hook-up culture is very prevalent thus the desire for feedback.

 

I read your post about "hang outs", Mrlonelyone. I don't understand the hang-out thing either. My understanding is that (within my age group) when you ask to "hang-out" it's daytime thing vs. a "date" which is more of a nighttime thing?

[El Brujo]

Honestly haven't thought of this song until I renewed my CPR this past week, then lo and behold, 35 minutes after finalizing a date on Saturday, he texts back "I am longer interested in pursuing any relationship with you. The timing is off." Granted, I'm not a train wreck about it and I like that he was direct instead of doing the usual "fade out". It's hard to date with my school/work schedule and while I am generally told that I'm in the 6-7 range (without makeup in my normal clothes), the general consensus among my male friends is that I'm "pretty and nice but too smart". Since I can't ask my last date for feedback, I'd like to get the feedback of people here. I'm looking for mostly male feedback, but if females want to advise too, I'm not oppose it.

 

Things that I am or do that I cannot or will not change:

1. I don't wear makeup. I'm allergic to sunblock and have yet to find good products without SPF.

2. I don't drink. Both for professional reasons and because I'm allergic.

3. For those of you who are into psychology, I'm an xNTx type. Mostly, I judge/ evaluate people based on there actions and not what they say to me.

4. I don't tolerate cheating. I will stick by my man through just about anything else.

5. I think very analytically.

6. I'm an introvert and will occasionally need "me time". I also naturally prefer doing quieter/nerdier things (i.e. reading, computer stuff, working out on my own).

7. I don't do casual relationships.

 

Things that I'm hoping to find in a potential partner:

1. Willingness to learn or be openminded about new things.

2. Be fairly similar in needs and interests. I think datng another introvert may alleviate lots of pressure about having the "why won't you go clubbing with me" conversations.

3. Not a cheater (as mentioned above). Preferably this means he will also a good moral compass as in "if he feels it's wrong to cheat in a relationship, he will also not be cheating on his taxes."

4. Be happily employed. (I don't really care what you do, just that you're happy doing it).

 

Are there any of these that are dealbreakers and if so, which one(s)? Are any of these just asking for too much or am I just living in a really bad area?

 

Actually, you and I have most of those things in common. May I send you a train ticket to move out here?

 

I rarely drink (maybe one drink every couple of years), TBH I don't see the point of casual relationships, I'm openly asexual---so I'm the last man in the world who'd cheat, and as far as employed, well... I can't be happy sitting on my butt, doing nothing. I can write, and in fact I have 3 books out and am working on 4 more. I don't even know what an unemployment application is supposed to look like.

[thefooloftheyear]

Honestly haven't thought of this song until I renewed my CPR this past week, then lo and behold, 35 minutes after finalizing a date on Saturday, he texts back "I am longer interested in pursuing any relationship with you. The timing is off." Granted, I'm not a train wreck about it and I like that he was direct instead of doing the usual "fade out". It's hard to date with my school/work schedule and while I am generally told that I'm in the 6-7 range (without makeup in my normal clothes), the general consensus among my male friends is that I'm "pretty and nice but too smart". Since I can't ask my last date for feedback, I'd like to get the feedback of people here. I'm looking for mostly male feedback, but if females want to advise too, I'm not oppose it.

 

Things that I am or do that I cannot or will not change:

1. I don't wear makeup. I'm allergic to sunblock and have yet to find good products without SPF.

2. I don't drink. Both for professional reasons and because I'm allergic.

3. For those of you who are into psychology, I'm an xNTx type. Mostly, I judge/ evaluate people based on there actions and not what they say to me.

4. I don't tolerate cheating. I will stick by my man through just about anything else.

5. I think very analytically.

6. I'm an introvert and will occasionally need "me time". I also naturally prefer doing quieter/nerdier things (i.e. reading, computer stuff, working out on my own).

7. I don't do casual relationships.

 

Things that I'm hoping to find in a potential partner:

1. Willingness to learn or be openminded about new things.

2. Be fairly similar in needs and interests. I think datng another introvert may alleviate lots of pressure about having the "why won't you go clubbing with me" conversations.

3. Not a cheater (as mentioned above). Preferably this means he will also a good moral compass as in "if he feels it's wrong to cheat in a relationship, he will also not be cheating on his taxes."

4. Be happily employed. (I don't really care what you do, just that you're happy doing it).

 

Are there any of these that are dealbreakers and if so, which one(s)? Are any of these just asking for too much or am I just living in a really bad area?

 

 

I dont want to sound superficial, but you mention nothing of your general look and body type..It would help if we knew that...

 

That being said, I see a lot of myself as well in your posting...My only advice is to stick with your requirements. Opposites DO NOT attract when it comes to relationship compatibility. Find someone who is aligned with you....Its an attractve feature (for me anyway) that you arent the "party girl" type.

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

[Sarabi]

Appleness.

 

None of the things on your list are deal breakers. As you are an analytical person I will break this down for you numerically using myself as an example.

 

All I ask for in a female mate is that they be between the ages of 22 and 36, not overweight, and a college graduate. About 25% of the population is female between 22 and 36. 30% have a 4 year degree. and 30% are not overweight or obese. That list of three things reduces the number of people acceptable to me to 2.3% of the population of the United States of America. That works out to 7.8 million people. If half of that number are married. then it's 3.9 million.

 

As an educated, intelligent woman who works out and is in good shape you are in the top 2% of people mentally and physically. Then on top of that you ask for someone who isn't a cheater. It seems to me people at the top of the pyramid are more likely to cheat due to their attractiveness as a mate.

 

Out of interest...overweight by whose standards? Using a BMI calculator?

I am 28. I have two degrees. Using BMI, I am classed as "overweight"...yet, the average dress size in this country is a 16 (US 12). I wear a 10 (US 6) and I have been told my frame is small but...I am curvy

I do not "work out" but I am physically fit, like exercise and currently cycle to and from work (up hills too so my legs are burning every day)...

But I am not in the USA...

So...could I potentially be on your list? Lol...

I have never cheated on anyone.

[Sarabi]

Honestly haven't thought of this song until I renewed my CPR this past week, then lo and behold, 35 minutes after finalizing a date on Saturday, he texts back "I am longer interested in pursuing any relationship with you. The timing is off." Granted, I'm not a train wreck about it and I like that he was direct instead of doing the usual "fade out". It's hard to date with my school/work schedule and while I am generally told that I'm in the 6-7 range (without makeup in my normal clothes), the general consensus among my male friends is that I'm "pretty and nice but too smart". Since I can't ask my last date for feedback, I'd like to get the feedback of people here. I'm looking for mostly male feedback, but if females want to advise too, I'm not oppose it.

 

Things that I am or do that I cannot or will not change:

1. I don't wear makeup. I'm allergic to sunblock and have yet to find good products without SPF.

2. I don't drink. Both for professional reasons and because I'm allergic.

3. For those of you who are into psychology, I'm an xNTx type. Mostly, I judge/ evaluate people based on there actions and not what they say to me.

4. I don't tolerate cheating. I will stick by my man through just about anything else.

5. I think very analytically.

6. I'm an introvert and will occasionally need "me time". I also naturally prefer doing quieter/nerdier things (i.e. reading, computer stuff, working out on my own).

7. I don't do casual relationships.

 

Things that I'm hoping to find in a potential partner:

1. Willingness to learn or be openminded about new things.

2. Be fairly similar in needs and interests. I think datng another introvert may alleviate lots of pressure about having the "why won't you go clubbing with me" conversations.

3. Not a cheater (as mentioned above). Preferably this means he will also a good moral compass as in "if he feels it's wrong to cheat in a relationship, he will also not be cheating on his taxes."

4. Be happily employed. (I don't really care what you do, just that you're happy doing it).

 

Are there any of these that are dealbreakers and if so, which one(s)? Are any of these just asking for too much or am I just living in a really bad area?

 

Hi Appleness

I admire you I wish I could set such good boundaries and high standards for myself when it comes to meeting people. Honestly!

I don't think the things you've set are dealbreakers. I think your expectations are reasonable. Plus I hate makeup too lol...and good luck with the PhD!!! That really takes strength, dedication and commitment and I'm sure someone looking at the bigger picture will realise that

(by the way what is your research in?)

[thefooloftheyear]

Out of interest...overweight by whose standards? Using a BMI calculator?

I am 28. I have two degrees. Using BMI, I am classed as "overweight"...yet, the average dress size in this country is a 16 (US 12). I wear a 10 (US 6) and I have been told my frame is small but...I am curvy

I do not "work out" but I am physically fit, like exercise and currently cycle to and from work (up hills too so my legs are burning every day)...

But I am not in the USA...

So...could I potentially be on your list? Lol...

I have never cheated on anyone.

 

 

Ill add something else here...

 

Don't be hung up on college education when seeking a potential mate...Some of the most intelligent, savvy and successful people I have ever met in my lifetime(men and women). have little or no college level eductaion..One in particular is a guy that I know that is a self made multi millionaire and very intelligent on all levels. College?....He doesnt even have a GED!

 

Conversely some of the most downright ignorant and intellectually weak people have advanced college level diplomas..They might have extensive knowledge in their limited field of study, yet have a hard time tying their shoes or navigating the DMV!

 

Understand that this is not true in ALL cases, but there are enough people who fit the crieria on both sides, so it does need to be mentioned..

 

TFY

[Sarabi]

Ill add something else here...

 

Don't be hung up on college education when seeking a potential mate...Some of the most intelligent, savvy and successful people I have ever met in my lifetime(men and women). have little or no college level eductaion..One in particular is a guy that I know that is a self made multi millionaire and very intelligent on all levels. College?....He doesnt even have a GED!

 

Conversely some of the most downright ignorant and intellectually weak people have advanced college level diplomas..They might have extensive knowledge in their limited field of study, yet have a hard time tying their shoes or navigating the DMV!

 

Understand that this is not true in ALL cases, but there are enough people who fit the crieria on both sides, so it does need to be mentioned..

 

TFY

 

Very true actually I have met people just like you describe...and studied alongside those who I look at and think "oh my, you have no common sense whatsoever"

As a girl, I get hung up on it that a man will never want me unless I do x/y/z on a list. I've heard that this doesn't matter to men (education status/job you do etc.)...but I don't know. I am tired of waiting I sometimes feel like I have an impossible list of things to achieve before being "eligible" for love.

[thefooloftheyear]

Very true actually I have met people just like you describe...and studied alongside those who I look at and think "oh my, you have no common sense whatsoever"

As a girl, I get hung up on it that a man will never want me unless I do x/y/z on a list. I've heard that this doesn't matter to men (education status/job you do etc.)...but I don't know. I am tired of waiting I sometimes feel like I have an impossible list of things to achieve before being "eligible" for love.

 

Nah, just be cute, sexy and smart and we'll all:love:

 

TFY

[Appleness]

Actually, you and I have most of those things in common. May I send you a train ticket to move out here?

.

 

Lol, As tempting as it sounds, I like where I am for now. But I'm always up for getting to know like-minded people.

I dont want to sound superficial, but you mention nothing of your general look and body type..It would help if we knew that...

 

TFY

I’m 5’1”, 106 lbs (or so I checked this morning), and Asian. I hit the gym for 45 minutes 3 times a week. I wouldn’t call myself an athlete but I am fairly toned. My dress size is about a 2 and my hair is almost waist length. Any more details than that and I’ll ask that you reciprocate your stats first.

Hi Appleness

I admire you. I wish I could set such good boundaries and high standards for myself when it comes to meeting people. Honestly!

I don't think the things you've set are dealbreakers. I think your expectations are reasonable. Plus I hate makeup too lol...and good luck with the PhD!!! That really takes strength, dedication and commitment and I'm sure someone looking at the bigger picture will realise that

(by the way what is your research in?)

 

 

Thanks Sarabi,

I have the boundaries that I have because growing up, no one ever stressed how important they are. When I’m with someone in a relationship, it is (objectively) the highest compliment I can give someone. I’ve been in a place where I was with someone who didn’t encourage me to be who I wanted to be and I refuse to make that mistake again.

I’m not starting a Ph.D. yet but I will get to that point. The guy I was most recently dating actually asked how far I intending to go with my degree and I spoke my mind that I wanted a either a DNP or an M.D. He was smiling the whole time but I have no idea if behind that cute smile he was thinking “Oh crap! This is not what I signed up for!”

Edited June 23, 2013 by Appleness
several misspellings

[thefooloftheyear]

Lol, As tempting as it sounds, I like where I am for now. But I'm always up for getting to know like-minded people.

 

I’m 5’1”, 106 lbs (or so I checked this morning), and Asian. I hit the gym for 45 minutes 3 times a week. I wouldn’t call myself an athlete but I am fairly toned. My dress size is about a 2 and my hair is almost waist length. Any more details than that and I’ll ask that you reciprocate your stats first.

 

 

 

Thanks Sarabi,

I have the boundaries that I have because growing up, no one ever stressed how important they are. When I’m with someone in a relationship, it is (objectively) the highest compliment I can give someone. I’ve been in a place where I was with someone who didn’t encourage me to be who I wanted to be and I refuse to make that mistake again.

I’m not starting a Ph.D. yet but I will get to that point. The guy I was most recently dating actually asked how far I intending to go with my degree and I spoke my mind that I wanted a either a DNP or an M.D. He was smiling the whole time but I have no idea if behind that cute smile he was thinking “Oh crap! This is not what I signed up for!”

 

Sounds like you are the full package, my dear!!

 

Good Luck

 

TFY

[Appleness]

Sounds like you are the full package, my dear!!

 

Good Luck

 

TFY

 

Thanks!