he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?

[heedley75]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to this format so please don't hold any inconsistencies against me!

 

I noticed a few other posts from young women like myself who are in very long term relationships with good men who are resistant to marriage or engagement. I must admit that the responses from some of you who wrote back to them made me cry. It is sad to face the reality that a relationship will never progress because for one reason or another, the man does not want it to. I thought maybe I would post about my own situation and look for some honest responses.

 

My BF and I have been together for 8 years, since college when he was 17 and I was 21. We have broken up a few times, but mostly have been together and when we are we have a solid, caring relationship that I think makes the perfect foundation for a marriage. He is responsible, intelligent, good-looking, caring...He even moved to the other side of the country to join me. Recently he began a new career somewhere else far away, and I moved to join him.

 

All of our friends are getting married now - every couple from college is married or engaged except for us. I really, really want to be engaged. I feel that my other girlfriends have suceeded where I have failed, that their boyfriends value them more than mine values me, that they must be prettier or nicer or smarter than I am. As I am now almost 30, I am really ready for marriage and a family. He says that he probably wants to marry me someday, but he is just not mature enough to make that sort of decision yet. He says that since my work requires me to travel outside the country for long periods of time (one year total in the last 18 months), our relationship cannot really advance that quickly. He won't ever speak in specifics and I am getting nowhere with trying to discuss it nicely with him.

 

Well, now I have really gotten myself in a sticky situation. I love him and I want to marry him, but I don't sense he is even interested in a long engagement until he becomes financially stable (which is a major concern for him, and won't happen for at least 2 more years - when I will be 32.) So, since I want a husband and a family, I wonder if I need to give him an ultimatum (which I fear would never work) or simply leave him and not even tell him why. The problem is, I have uprooted my whole life and made financial commitments that involve my family to move here to this new town with him (I don't even like it here, and he is too busy with work too even spend time with me, but that is another story.) So now what do I do?

 

This month is also the 8 year anniversary of when we started dating, and he has totally forgotten. I am a healthy, nice, intelligent, and attractive young woman, but I feel like no one will ever want me now, and my chances at marriage and family are getting ruined every day. Is there a way I can make him see the seriousness of the situation, or should I just throw in the towel? Please help!

[CurlyIam]

First thing's first. Let's talk money here. In how much debt are you? When can you get out of it? Can you get out of it?

 

Second: my first instinct is to tell you to tell him to go to hell. Don't. You have invested 8 years of your life. OF course you are to give him an ultimatum. But you have to mean business.

 

Gather all your papers, talk to the bank. Show him on paper the sacrifices you made for him. Tell him that you need some certainty. You need a ring.

 

It may not be a wedding ring, it may be an engagement ring. But make him say if he sees you in his life 10 years from now. Do it for yourself, not for your friends, parents,relatives or media. Yes, I know it can be frustrating. But it's between the two of you alone.

 

See what he tells you. Hedleey, it is a very important moment in both your life. Listen carefully what he's telling you. 8 years means nothing if he'll leave you in 2 more. It is never too late to quit. On the other hand, don't leave because you're disapointed. Good, special people are so hard to come by...

 

 

 

Make this a problem, this downfall the turning point in your life. No matter where you go from here. Have patience and be very very wise. Check to see how sound financially you are.

 

Cheers,

 

Curly.

[monamacy]

heedley,

i know what you are going throuhg and im in the exact situation like you, except i have only invested 2 years with this man. A year ago we talked about marriage and he wasnt ready, i decided to stay on because i didnt want to give up on him simply because i love him and maybe it was still too early to talk about marriage to someone who is commitment phobic, and he's also a nice person with a good heart and he treats me well, spends time with me and brings me to holidays very frequent. everything is great short of marriage!

I dont know why am i (or rather) why are we women so into marriage, no matter how nice the men treat us, they will never ever satisfy us enough withouht a marriage commitment. i wish i can minus that away from my expectation of men and start to enjoy life as it is. i think most of us are peer preasured when it comes to marriage. until today, im still working hard to gain his trust, his comfortability, and his acceptance in wanting me in his life. i know 50:50 chance that i will be disappointed in the end, but i will strive until the day comes when another guy comes to me and ready to lift me up to the aisle, then i know its time for me to move on. it hurts to love someone, it hurts even more having to leave the one you love. but since you have already invested 8 years, it would be a wiser choice to move on without him. oh ya, one more thing, when you give an ultimatum, make sure you really mean business and you can actually live withouht him, because as i said, it hurts alot and you need to have alot of courage to do it. sorry if i hadnt help much but it sure feels good to know you are not alone.

 

curly,

what do you mean by ......"On the other hand, don't leave because you're disapointed. Good, special people are so hard to come by... "?

[UCFKevin]

Why do you need to get married? Just because your friends are? Come on, what is this, elementary school? Everyone's getting a cool trapper keeper, so you have to as well?

 

What will a certificate change? If you guys are working and he's going to be with you and loves being with you, just stick with that. Otherwise, if you NEED to get married, leave him because it doesn't look like it's in the cards, even though that would be foolish in my opinion.

[surfergirl]

Good points. Now let me tell you from someone who dated my ex husband 6 years before we married. No, we were not solid for 6 years but the majority we were. At 21 we decided to marry.....big mistake. I loved him then and a tiny piece of me will love him forever, however, neither he nor I were REALLY ready to marry.

 

We struggled to keep it together for 9 years and finally realized that it just wasn't working. Marriage is very hard and takes 100% from both to make it work. I'm not downing marriage - I hope to marry again someday. But be very sure that it's what the both of you want and realize it's a major step in your life - not one to be taken lightly. And not something to be done simply because of age or peer pressure including family pressure.

 

Marriage is meant to be for a lifetime and if you're having problems now those are warning signs. Take into consideration how the both of you are handling these problems and if he's truly the one for your lifetime. If he's not ready, I'm sorry to say you, more than likely, will have trouble.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[jellybean]

Hi heedley,

 

I am sorry you are hurting...your concerns are valid.

 

8 years!!!....please don't think i"m being harsh but - it doesn't look like you are going to get the committment from him that you need.

[Nocturnalkitee]

I often wonder why people think that getting married is going to make there life perfect You never once said that you wanted to marry him because you love him. You want to get married because all your college friends are married.

 

Yes you are getting older, but you still have a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like he is wasting your youth and time, start dating other people.

[jellybean]

I often wonder why people think that getting married is going to make there life perfect You never once said that you wanted to marry him because you love him. You want to get married because all your college friends are married.

 

Yes you are getting older, but you still have a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like he is wasting your youth and time, start dating other people.

 

Well actually Nocturnalkitee, she DID say she loves him and wants to marry him. That's why the situation is so painful for her.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by heedley75

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new to this format so please don't hold any inconsistencies against me!

 

I noticed a few other posts from young women like myself who are in very long term relationships with good men who are resistant to marriage or engagement. I must admit that the responses from some of you who wrote back to them made me cry. It is sad to face the reality that a relationship will never progress because for one reason or another, the man does not want it to. I thought maybe I would post about my own situation and look for some honest responses.

 

My BF and I have been together for 8 years, since college when he was 17 and I was 21. We have broken up a few times, but mostly have been together and when we are we have a solid, caring relationship that I think makes the perfect foundation for a marriage. He is responsible, intelligent, good-looking, caring...He even moved to the other side of the country to join me. Recently he began a new career somewhere else far away, and I moved to join him.

 

All of our friends are getting married now - every couple from college is married or engaged except for us. I really, really want to be engaged. I feel that my other girlfriends have suceeded where I have failed, that their boyfriends value them more than mine values me, that they must be prettier or nicer or smarter than I am. As I am now almost 30, I am really ready for marriage and a family. He says that he probably wants to marry me someday, but he is just not mature enough to make that sort of decision yet. He says that since my work requires me to travel outside the country for long periods of time (one year total in the last 18 months), our relationship cannot really advance that quickly. He won't ever speak in specifics and I am getting nowhere with trying to discuss it nicely with him.

 

Well, now I have really gotten myself in a sticky situation. I love him and I want to marry him, but I don't sense he is even interested in a long engagement until he becomes financially stable (which is a major concern for him, and won't happen for at least 2 more years - when I will be 32.) So, since I want a husband and a family, I wonder if I need to give him an ultimatum (which I fear would never work) or simply leave him and not even tell him why. The problem is, I have uprooted my whole life and made financial commitments that involve my family to move here to this new town with him (I don't even like it here, and he is too busy with work too even spend time with me, but that is another story.) So now what do I do?

 

This month is also the 8 year anniversary of when we started dating, and he has totally forgotten. I am a healthy, nice, intelligent, and attractive young woman, but I feel like no one will ever want me now, and my chances at marriage and family are getting ruined every day. Is there a way I can make him see the seriousness of the situation, or should I just throw in the towel? Please help!

 

If he's not sure you're the one after EIGHT YEARS, walk away. Find someone who does want to marry you. Sorry hon, he's just not that into you. He's not. The sooner you realize that and walk away, the sooner you can find someone worthwhile.

 

Remember ladies, as Greg says, don't waste the pretty. You're making excuses for him-all it boils down to is that he's too chickensh*t to tell you that he's not in love with you the way you want him to be. A man who was in love with you would want to marry you without you hinting about it. He wouldn't care if he was "financially stable" (how many of us are?) and he wouldn't make you wait TEN YEARS. He's delaying things because he's not sure you're the one he wants to be with. I would leave him.

[Nocturnalkitee]

I love him and I want to marry him (quote)

 

Jellybean ... thanks for correcting me, o.k. she does love him, but I (my opinion) feel that she wants to get married for the wrong reason.

[leftaloneafter6]

Dear Heedly,

 

Just read your post. I feel for you, because I just broke up with a man that I really love, because he wouldn't set a wedding date, and we would have been together 6 years this December. He was the one that was pushy to get serious, and we have had our ups and downs over the years. I stuck by him through drug addiction, and he went to church with me and changed his way of life, not because of me, but because HE wanted to.

 

I stood by him through some hard knocks, and now that I thought that we were in a position to get married, he tells me, "I am not the marrying kind." I am a single parent with three children, now, not so little, ages 21, 18 and 13. When we met, my kids were 15, 12, and 7. I always thought that when the kids were older, it would be easier to get married, because there wouldn't be as many adjustments that needed to be made.

 

Let me tell you the main reason why I finally realized that we should go ahead and tie the knot. Besides loving feelings for him, I have never felt comfortable with a sexual relationship outside of marriage, since I am a devout Catholic, and I never felt I was setting a good example to my kids, carrying on, never making that commitment. Also, certain things have happened in my life, where I felt like I should give him an ultimatum. My elderly mother has had a stroke, and I wanted her to be around to see us get married. Plus, I got a steady job, and a house, all on my own, and I thought that it was time. But, as they say, love is blind, and even though my life had been improving, he was at a stand still with his. He isn't working in a steady job, just selling used mattresses out of the newspaper, and he also stays with his parents. He is 44 years old. But my eyes were blind to seeing that, since I have a high attractiveness to his personality, and his looks, (even though he is not that attractive to most). But, we love our men, in spite of it all, right?

 

Well, to make a long story short, I confronted him with my ultimatum over the phone, and he told me he wasn't the marrying kind, and now I haven't seen him since August 30th, 2004. October 14th was my birthday, and not a phone call or anything. I am still devastated, but I am coping with Gods help, because I have a family to support, and a life to live. It has been very hard, and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I never imagined I would be without him; always thought we would get married. But, look at the circumstances. HE IS STILL LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS!!! If you have any suggestions or comments for me, please feel free to post them. And, talk about feeling like no one will ever want me now, try age 42. It is a tough one, but my faith has gotten me this far, and God will see me through. I have had to bury one child, and place my oldest son in a disabled home, so I have been used to loss. But, one never really gets good at it. Take Care, and God Bless you. I know how you feel!!! Love, leftaloneafter6.

[monamacy]

dear leftaloneafter6,

 

i'm sorry to hear on your story. you know what you want after been through so much in life.

 

to my amase, after been through the first failed marriage/relationship for so many years, you still have faith in marriages and want to go throuhg that again. somehow a lot of divorcees i've spoken to, they do not want to go throuhg that again and would prefer to maintain companionship with their partners. more so, when your kids are all almost grown up. why do you still insist on marriage when you know that he loves you and there is no one else in his life??

 

it is also to my amase that this man you have brought him to know God and he's indeed repented to HIS will, still that doesnt make him "the one" for you. what plans do you think God has instored for you after 6 years??.....just a thought. i prayed everyday for God to guide me in my relationship with this man and ask Him for an answer why HE brought this man to my life, there must be a purpose for it to happen, just wonder what it is??!!!!

 

appreciate your thoughts!

 

luv,

mona

[red4kat]

Oh Ladies,

 

There are so many of you I can identify with. No matter what they say, when you're nearing the 3- zero number, your biological clock is just ringing like a giant bell. Being with a man that simply won't propose despite of being nice and loving just isn't complete. I feel your pain so much. We should all just get together one night for martini and "sex and the city". We are not alone.

 

I have a few comments to a few of you. First of all the author, a few things you mentioned. Did you say he is 4 years younger, so that makes him around 26? I noticed that in their mid twenties men tend to avoid marrage. Strange or not but they either marry irresponsibly without thinking around 21-22 or when they get up to thirties. There are exceptions, men who are still indesicive at 40, those are just not worth waiting for. Women start getting ready seriously for marriage from 25 and get close to desperate at 28-30. I hope it goes away eventually, Im 29 now and my strategy to deal with the fact that my boyfriend won't propose is to convince myself that marriage sucks. 27 is really the earliest age for a man to be ready for marriage, so he might be at the stage where he's sort of breathing his last breath of youth before turning into a man. If you really love him, it might be worth waiting another couple of years. Now if he was in his thirties, I'd say don't waste your time, by then he just may not be the marrying kind. You're worth what you want and have all the rights to go after it. But at his age it's quite normal to hesitate. If you do decide to leave though, please please please for your own and his sake tell him exactly why. It's important for him to know and for you to be heard, don't just walk away.

 

UCFKevin, you will never really understand why women want to get married and why is it so important to them. You just have to be a woman yourself to fully comprehand that. It's not something that's logical, it's an instinct, nature made us that way and we can't get away from it, period.

 

Yes is is a wonderful loving guy and there's a lot to appreciate about him but the fact that he won't propose will take away from a woman's happines whether men like it or not. She will never be completely happy and he will never know why.

[red4kat]

I think that ultimatum isn't the best choice. Most likely his responce will be "no" and it will make you feel like he made a final decision while at the same time he'll feel like it was you. An ultimatum is a pressure and there is only one way out of it, a break up after which you will most likely feel horrible. It also makes you look desperate and might scare him off. And worst of all, he might end up being the one to leave you.

 

I think much better choice would be to say, but only when you're ready to walk away: "I decided that it's best for us to split up. You've been a great boyfriend but what I really want is someone who wants to marry me. I love you but our situation isn't making me happy. I wish it were but I can't do anything about it." And then you walk away. I think this way might actually get him to think twice, plus in his mind not only he will feel the power to save the relationship is in his hands, he wasn't pushed into anything or feel like he is expected to do anything.

[summer77sister]

I understand all thathas been mentioned. I am 27 and been with my boyfriend for 4 years, through addiction recovery etc.. and I have always wantd to be married to him. Not becuase "everybody's doin it" but because I do want that commitment. Yes I agree that it seems easy to blow off mariage as not required to live, yet it is important to me. My boyfriend does not see this happening for another couple of years.. which leaves me sad. I respect the fact that we both come from broken families, and that "we're young" but when I read a reply on the posts saying If he hasn't done it by now... he just isn't into you" I was convinced that I may have to leave. Then there is this pratof me that says it not that ez. I have tried to just enjoy my single life, yet I find myself resentful at him and the world. Then he says that he wants to have enough $ for the ring I want... I'm sorry but that is b@#$$%^%^!! So I guess i am confused, or just holding on to someone that just doesn'tlove me the way thatI love him.. What to do..I now I will be much happier when I make a decision, yet I just don't know what that decision is? He's never chased me when I've walkee away (for 5hrs..lol) so, what does that say? any advice?

[tigerskye]

Originally posted by summer77sister

I understand all thathas been mentioned. I am 27 and been with my boyfriend for 4 years, through addiction recovery etc.. and I have always wantd to be married to him. Not becuase "everybody's doin it" but because I do want that commitment. Yes I agree that it seems easy to blow off mariage as not required to live, yet it is important to me. My boyfriend does not see this happening for another couple of years.. which leaves me sad. I respect the fact that we both come from broken families, and that "we're young" but when I read a reply on the posts saying If he hasn't done it by now... he just isn't into you" I was convinced that I may have to leave. Then there is this pratof me that says it not that ez. I have tried to just enjoy my single life, yet I find myself resentful at him and the world. Then he says that he wants to have enough $ for the ring I want... I'm sorry but that is b@#$$%^%^!! So I guess i am confused, or just holding on to someone that just doesn'tlove me the way thatI love him.. What to do..I now I will be much happier when I make a decision, yet I just don't know what that decision is? He's never chased me when I've walkee away (for 5hrs..lol) so, what does that say? any advice?

 

Hunny. I am having the same trouble I just made a new thread with this topic(if you look at it you will know my story) but to make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend 3 years and we have talked about marriage but he is not ready because he is "not ready". and when I ask why he is not ready he says because he needs to get his finicial situation(we are still in college) finished and can afford me a ring. I love him so much and want to get married when we get out of school so we can struggle together to build our lives together. But he still wants to wait. I need advice on this one too. Anyone out there that can help us? Someone needs to write a book on this topic!

[bride2B]

I could have written your post myself a few months ago. I was in a 9 yr relationship, we were high school sweethearts. I so badly wanted to get married. All my friends had taken the plunge and were planning families and I had yet to even be engaged and was in the longest relationship of them all. I too thougth I just wasn't pretty or smart enough, something had to be wrong with me. Marriage is symbolic - and yes when thinking logically you do have to question the validity of putting so much behind something based souly an idea. But then I realized that you have the right to want it just as much as he has the right not to. No side is better. I know this isn't what you were hopeing to hear, but I ended up ending our relationship. The clencher for me was when we sat through our 9yr anniversary dinner in silence. I struggled to make conversation but I might as well have been talking to my shrimp alfredo. But there are happy endings. I am now engaged to be married to a long time friend. I have everything with this man that I had ever wanted in my previous relationship. When you go from being unappreciated to appreciated it's feels 100 x's better than you could ever imagine.

[heckno]

I agree with Redkats advice, don't do the ultimatum thing.. and I wouldn't listen to what ucfkevin has to say either.

 

I believe the lady isn't saying "I want to get married cause all my friends are".. i believe there's a defining point beyond that statement. Such as, she's been with the same man FOREVER and sees herself going nowhere quick.. and I think that it bothers her that her friends are progressing in life and she is not, atleast on that personal level. With that said, let's get past stupid semantics..

 

For women there is symbolism in the marriage, sometimes religious.. and if it's what YOU want, you deserve absolutely NO LESS than a man who wants the same thing you do.

[Ginger714]

I am new, not registered yet, but I came on to here by way of a similar situation. I am 44 and been with a man for almost 3 years. In the beginning he was to the one that was adamant that things get off on a big bang and I certainly felt alot of love for this person and we have now been through the "ups and downs". On the subject of marriage, he said he was not sure due to that he wasn't sure what marriage met, he has been married 3 times now. So I gave him some slack and said I understood - that was 2 years ago. Now time has past and found him romantically emailing his ex-wife (#1) - who is married. I could of thrown him out and I almost did, but did not. Later also found him connected to "love searches" ie Match.com...These situations seem to rise when we were having our down periods. I still, yes still, question our relationship...it should be a no brainier, but he says he still loves me. So I said, self, what do I want from this relationship? and what I realized is that I am not getting what I deserve...I did not get what I thought I was getting. Now don't get me wrong, I think we all have to compromise in relationships - we all don't get what we exactly want, BUT, when do we draw the line in the sand? When do you say, self, this is not meeting the basic standards. I can't tell you how many times I did not stand up for what I thought was right in a relationship, because I thought the situation would change. I do believe one need to confront (not aggressively) the question - where is our relationship going? This is what I see? What do you see? Does it all match? Does it come close? and the biggy are the real important issues do they match? Because if they don't you will regret not listening to your needs. Marriage is not just the ring, as I know we all can agree on - or the dress - or the honeymoon - or the babies you want to have - it's can both of you love and compromise for each other "willingly" and the more. Because I know deep in my heart if my partner really was on the same page as I - wanting a marriage for spiritual reasons - we would be married and on the same path, but we are not - so we are at that fork and decisions need to be made...I am not going to continue at the age of 44 to continue on with this situation, it's very important to me - plus I really cannot trust him. It's hard, I just need to do it...Thanks for letting me vent and I hope I made sense to some. Peace.

[carolina]

I hear ya Heedly!

 

I haven't even finished reading all the other posts yet but I had to write. Here I am on New Year's Eve by myself (didn't really feel like celebrating this year) and reading your post. I dated my BF for around 6 years. In 2002 we had a small brake where he stared dating someone else for 8 months. Anyway, last June ('03) he said it took being with her to realize how much he missed me, blah,blah, blah..........I fell for his lines and we got back together. That time though I put a time limit on it.. Granted, when we started dating, I was only 23.........I was no where near getting married....but I kept dating (he was 6 yrs. older) thinking that down the road when I was ready, we'd tie the knot....

 

Last year I said "If we're not engaged by the end of the year, that's it............I can't spend 5 more years dating you..."

 

Unfortunately he did n't propose like I thought he would, after soooo many years..........he decided he 'couldn't go thru with getting engaged '(even though we seriously discussed it). He ended up "freaking,". "It just didn't feel right"....."Too much doubt & apprehension..." .............Whatever!

 

I hear you when you say you're 31,32 (can't recall right now).........Here I am (now 31) thinking my dreams of a "normal" adult life are shot...Like what are my odds of finding a nice guy, falling in love, marrying, & having a baby ???

 

I just wish that guy had written "He's Just Not That Into You" years ago!! I just saw the author on Oprah....Wish he'd written it about 4 years ago!! Any guy that is "really into you" will not date you for so long...........They are dating you for sooooooooooo long b/c they're still not sure & are still scoping what's out there....Save your time for a guy who appreciates how awesome you are............( I know, easier said than done).

 

Anyway, I know that doesn't make things easier, but I wanted to let you know it felt ............well, it made me feel kinda better to see that someone else (around my same age) is going thru something similar to what I went thru the last year............

[carolina]

Originally posted by tigerskye

 

 

Hunny. I am having the same trouble I just made a new thread with this topic(if you look at it you will know my story) but to make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend 3 years and we have talked about marriage but he is not ready because he is "not ready". and when I ask why he is not ready he says because he needs to get his finicial situation(we are still in college) finished and can afford me a ring. I love him so much and want to get married when we get out of school so we can struggle together to build our lives together. But he still wants to wait. I need advice on this one too. Anyone out there that can help us? Someone needs to write a book on this topic!

 

 

I just responded on this..................Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Some guys will never be "ready..."Just needing a larger salary & stuff are all just excuses......If a guy is "into" you, he'll climb a mountain and then some just to be you husband...........Not bringing in a large income............just an excuse.

 

I was strung along for years. I've now wised up. If you're in LOVE, and your guy still isn't ready (for whatever reason), he'll never be ready...........trust me.

[Ginger714]

Yes, I have seen the authors on TV and I got the jist of it but I have not read the book. I wish I had this book many years ago. It really is so true...about what a man will do and what he won't do to get his women if he is into her. But I have noticed men really do like the challenge. However, as I am now 44 they still do, but now you have men who know who they are and really do know what they want (for the most part) and realize they are not 20 something and like the swinging, they really do want to settle down - it's realizing how mortal they are becoming. So if at my stage a man really is not wanting to marry, like my partner for 3 years - giving the excuse he is not sure what marriage is anymore and it's him...yea maybe a tinybit of that is true, but he just does not want to get married to me or get married period. To close with more thoughts on the book, it's information that really gives women the edge (for the most part) of what is going on inside men's minds - and it's not all us...and we deserve better - not a feminist writing, just a women who has grown to know what I need.

[tigerskye]

Originally posted by carolina

 

 

 

I just responded on this..................Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Some guys will never be "ready..."Just needing a larger salary & stuff are all just excuses......If a guy is "into" you, he'll climb a mountain and then some just to be you husband...........Not bringing in a large income............just an excuse.

 

I was strung along for years. I've now wised up. If you're in LOVE, and your guy still isn't ready (for whatever reason), he'll never be ready...........trust me.

 

 

Thanks! I am actually right now going to get this book and men are from mars women are from venus. I think reading these books will help me out alot! And that is really good advice you are giving!!! It helps a lot!

[Anson]

I'm 42 years old...11 years older than my boyfriend and we have been together going on seven years now. (We do not live together but we spend every weekend together and talk on the phone several times a day.)

 

My problem is what I call "yo-yoing'... in other words, he talks of us getting married one day and within a month he is changing his mind saying, "I'm just not sure what I really want to do with my life, yada-yada-yada." I could understand this statement up until a year ago. My gosh, the man is 31 years old and I think he sould know by now if he wants ME to be in his life no matter WHAT the hell he decides he might want to do with his life.

 

I've been on this rollercoaster yo-you for long enough I think. I can "feel something changing" in my heart toward him. I don't really feel as angry as I have at times; it's more of a 'time to move on' kind of thing that leaves me feeling lonely and sad.

 

I love this man. No way would I still be with him this long if I didn't.....

 

I'll be glad when the day finally comes that I truly gather myself emotionally and walk away from him. A woman, by NATURE needs to feel 'security' every bit as much as a man by NATURE needs to feel 'tended too'.

 

I'm sorry for using your topic thread to 'vent'....but thankful to have gotten some of this off my chest. Thanks.

[Leehallfae]

He just isn't that into you.

 

If you have to resort to a threat, that is, an Ultimatum, marry me or I'm out of here, he's not your kind of guy, and why would you want a guy who married you under those conditions?

 

Your wishes are important. No matter what reasons/excuses/justifications he may offer, and it can sound so rational (it is just a piece of paper, we ARE together, what is the big deal), the fact is this. you want to be married.

 

See a lawyer, protect your assets,and to make sure that you aren't already considered married, and then move on.