he won't marry me after 8 years & i'm devastated, what should I do?

[rude dude]

Do not classify me as a marriage hater or a women hater! I'm not against marriage, AT ALL! It's great for some people, but............. I HAVE TO SAY THIS!

 

You know what really pisses me off to no end; you all claim you love you BF's; yet, none of you give a S*** about what he wants. It's ONLY ABOUT YOU! It's all or nothing with you, and believe me, some men will give you nothing! That "ultimatum" crap would makes me laugh! Don't be ball busters!

 

 

Want to know why a lot of men won't marry you. YOU DON'T CARE WHO YOU MARRY ANYWAY! All you want is a tuxedo and ring, and it does not matter WHO he is. I KNOW, because everyone here says "if he won't commit, dump him". Is that the only thing your looking for? Commitment? It doesn't matter if he's attractive, caring, nice, sincere, well groomed, helpful or any of that crap.......it's all about the ring? Dumping a good man because he won't marry is crazy. You are only forcing happiness when you probably already had it. I hope you don't marry a**h***S(who believes in marriage) after you dump your boyfriends that love you. That would be ironic.....but maybe, a way of cosmic karma playing a joke on you.

 

It's Just another point of view ladies, don't waste time getting pissed at me........check your own attitudes.....ARE THEY ENTICING OR REPULSING?

[summerfun]

Well, you have your right to your own opinion, but I think if a woman would stay with a man for 8 years obviously she is just not staying for a ring and a wedding day.......Maybe she really does love her man and usually the next step in a relationship is marriage and family, but hey if they both don't want the same things, then yes a woman should move on if that is what she wants.......

 

I had to leave my ex bf of 9 years who I lOVE dearly and still do, but I don't want to loose the opportunity to have a family, which is something I want in my life, and he doesn't. So as much as I loved him and still do, I have to do what is best for both of us, Maybe I will find some one with the same goals as me and maybe he will find someone that does not need a committment. But not all woman need a ring and wedding day, i would of been happy to alope and get married by a justice of the peace.

 

You don't have to be so hostile that woman want certain things and that goes the same for men too, hey there are cases of woman not wanting to get married and string their boyfriends along as well.

[chrissycee1975]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to make a comment. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years. Everyone around us is getting married, and everyone else wants to know how come I'm 30 years old and not married yet? Some of my friends have gone so far as to tell me to give him an ultimatum or break up with him and "teach him a lesson". To me, this sounds like an exercise in manipulation and I am sure any guy would be scared off by this sort of tactic.

 

I am quite ready to get married, but I am in debt and can't afford a place of my own. I am willing to take the plunge, but am not a risk-taker and would rather wait until my debts are somewhat paid down. We have talked about this and he agrees. I have thought many, many times that he might not love me or really doesn't want to get married, but I am certain that we would not have been together for 7 years if we did not love each other. We have talked about marriage many, many times, and I've asked him to be honest and tell me if he doesn't want to get married. He said he wants to and he will tell me if he changes his mind.

 

Further, my opinion is that anyone can get married if that's their ultimate goal in life - you can find anyone and just go off and get married. What's the rush? Right now, I am enjoying the independence I have to make my own decisions while I can insofar as they do not concern him. Life goes on. If it happens that I've waited and don't get the commitment I want right now, it doesn't matter to me. Marriage is not going to make my life better - maybe different. With every day that passes, marriage is not as important to me. Having said that, I have told him that it is my personal choice to be married before we live together or have children. If it happens that I don't get married in the future, I will have to live with my choice. I don't have the desire or energy to find someone else. In a way, yes, I have probably settled, but he has been good to me and has been very understanding when I have had dilemmas with my family. Not many guys would stick by you through that sort of thing and something has to be said for that.

 

Believe me, I could speak for hours on the subject. I think it's important for you ladies out there to stay strong and remember, if you were on the receiving end of this ultimatum that everyone else might be suggesting, you might not appreciate it so much. I don't think marriage is something you can take lightly. I've resolved myself to the fact that it will happen in its own time.

[chrissycee1975]

Hi,

 

I just wanted to make a comment. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years. Everyone around us is getting married, and everyone else wants to know how come I'm 30 years old and not married yet? Some of my friends have gone so far as to tell me to give him an ultimatum or break up with him and "teach him a lesson". To me, this sounds like an exercise in manipulation and I am sure any guy would be scared off by this sort of tactic.

 

I am quite ready to get married, but I am in debt and can't afford a place of my own. I am willing to take the plunge, but am not a risk-taker and would rather wait until my debts are somewhat paid down. We have talked about this and he agrees. I have thought many, many times that he might not love me or really doesn't want to get married, but I am certain that we would not have been together for 7 years if we did not love each other. We have talked about marriage many, many times, and I've asked him to be honest and tell me if he doesn't want to get married. He said he wants to and he will tell me if he changes his mind.

 

Further, my opinion is that anyone can get married if that's their ultimate goal in life - you can find anyone and just go off and get married. What's the rush? Right now, I am enjoying the independence I have to make my own decisions while I can insofar as they do not concern him. Life goes on. If it happens that I've waited and don't get the commitment I want right now, it doesn't matter to me. Marriage is not going to make my life better - maybe different. With every day that passes, marriage is not as important to me. Having said that, I have told him that it is my personal choice to be married before we live together or have children. If it happens that I don't get married in the future, I will have to live with my choice. I don't have the desire or energy to find someone else. In a way, yes, I have probably settled, but he has been good to me and has been very understanding when I have had dilemmas with my family. Not many guys would stick by you through that sort of thing and something has to be said for that.

 

Believe me, I could speak for hours on the subject. I think it's important for you ladies out there to stay strong and remember, if you were on the receiving end of this ultimatum that everyone else might be suggesting, you might not appreciate it so much. I don't think marriage is something you can take lightly. I've resolved myself to the fact that it will happen in its own time.

[dalargestpucca]

You know, I agree with this post below. It's really about what you want. Some people are complaining about how a man feels when he gets an ultimatum and others are very negative about marriage in general. Perhaps women should be thinking, instead of the convincing/asking my boyfriend about the marriage he doesn't want, what do I want for myself? What else do I want besides this marriage? Perhaps making a positive action toward what *you* want is even more important than trying to "make" a man do something he doesn't want to do, which you cannot do anyway. You will be very happy in some way if you see that for yourself. It is self-love.

 

One thing my mom always said that there are some things a man doesnt lie about ( meaning his actions) and Men do what they WANT to do. If I were you I would look at all the things he wanted to do over the years and if he actually did them. That new TV, new car, new tires, expensive sneakers or that electronic gadget he was so excited about and had to have. Those things were important to him and he wanted them. They were his prioritys. The same goes for his relationship. His actions seem loud and clear and getting married is not his priority or least not right now. Of course everyone or rather most men feel they cant get married until "they get themselves right" but you can answer that question yourself. If it was really important, he wouldnt take 8 years to "get right" or at least make some headway to get where he wants to be financially. I'll try not to make this too long but one of the things Im sure you want is a man who is confident about his relationship and the woman he loves. Unless you are going to get a new job, where you work or what your job requires should not be an excuse but a testament that when you love someone you make it work. How can you make him see the serioness of the situation? When you see the seriousness in yourself and get your self confidence back. Every day you think to yourself you are not good enough to be someones wife you will lose yourself more and more.Then you will be right. No one wants to marry an insecure woman who doesnt think highly of herself. I wont tell you to dump him or move on. I will tell you to assess yourself and what you want. Set a time frame for YOURSELF ( by the way that would then be a goal and not an ultimatum) so perhaps it means having a heart to heart and giving yourself a certain amount of time to stay in the relationship or move on. Dont let it be 16 years. Dont make a decision about what to do with the relationship, make a decison about YOU want.

-girlfriend of 5 years, getting married Sept. 06 ( age 31)

[mutton]

To those who think marriage is rubbish:

 

I have one question. If some of you feel that nothing will change after marriage, why not just do it to make you're loved one happy? (provided that she wants to). Heck, in that case, for you financial buggers, you don't even need to spend thousands on a lavish ceremony or have a honeymoon in bermuda. Just file the papers. That's all. Afterall, there are some legal benefits that you can get just by having the documentation. So... why not?

 

P.S. for those of you who do not have kids and who also feel that marriage is no hoopla. Shouldn't starting a legal family be a good reason for some women to want to marry?

[Guest]

set a reasonable timeline.....be mature about it

if he still does not committ then think of options

dont be hasty but at the same time dont linger on forever

but at no point get harsh...if u have to leave ...leave with dignity

[Venetian]

Eight years is a long time to wait. And I know this because I've done it. I'm sitting at my computer tonight trying to work out (a) what advice to give on the subject and (b) what I'm to do about my own relationship stasis.

 

I can't imagine that an ultimatum is going to work. No one likes to feel trapped, whether it is trapped in a relationship that won't end in marriage, or trapped into proposing to save a relationship. I know I don't want to think I conned my boyfriend into marriage. But after eight years it seems like it isn't going to be a spontaneous decision.

 

I would suggest you sort out your finances (as suggested), and have a serious discussion with your man. Sit him down and explain what you want, and ask him whether he is willing to give it. In the immediate future, and not at a mysterious date when he is "financially secure". Perhaps you can reach a compromise - like a long engagement. If not, then you can decide whether to leave, or whether to stick with the status quo. Remember, if you decide to stick with him, you're agreeing to his terms, and if you decide to leave, you should follow through.

 

And as for the inflammatory posts on the subject, I'd like to add this: I'm not obsessed by or concerned with diamond rings, puffy gowns and wedding days. My friends aren't getting married, and it wouldn't matter a damn if they were. The reason I seek commitment from my boyfriend is that I want to know he's ready to spend the rest of his life with me, and isn't afraid to tell others just that. I want to know he loves me enough to say it and mean it. I want to know I'm the one, and not one of many applicants. And I want to know we can be a team and start progressing with other things in life - like holidays, adventures, kids, and all the cool stuff companionship offers.

 

So nyah.

[RubixCube28]

Well it's not just about women who want marrage belive it or not.. It can go the other way some times its the guy..Who wantes more but the girl who's not looking for marrage or kids.. It's rare I'de say but dose happen I guess you too just have to sit down.. And talk before even getting into a relashionship.. And make sure you are bouth on the same wave lenth.. Or at least open to what the other wantes if not.. Then don't even bother its not fair to eather of you to get seriously involved.. With a person who won't ever want the same things as you..Also just my opinnion but why dose it always have to end up in marrage?? Just because that's what is the soical norm?? I think why some women are so inssistant on it any more.. Is because they have been so groomed by sociaty.. That what a women dose is find a man get marryed and have babies.. That's great for some but you too can also just enjoy being with a person you love.. I have knowen people that never got marryed.. And were togher for years and years and were happy as could be..

[Venetian]

I understand marriage isn't right for everyone, and some people do just fine without it. It's a personal choice. But it's a personal choice you shouldn't have chosen for you.

 

Personally, I'm not into the idea of marriage because it's a societal norm and, as I said, I don't care whether my friends are doing it or not. I'm into the idea of marriage because it's a formal recognition of a commitment to one another. That's a pretty cool idea to me. Perhaps others are okay with a verbal agreement. Good for them. I want it in writing.

[Nocturnal]

I don't get people that need marriage as some kind of 'proof' for a person's devotion to their partner. Someone in the thread said "If he doesn't know if you're the one after 8 years, he never will." I don't get how someone can be so short-sighted. Has he been devoted, loving, caring for the past 8 years? If so, doesn't that tell you something?

 

What it should tell you is this; he does love you, he does want to be with you, but he just doesn't want to get married. For men (it seems, I can only look to myself and my friends), it seems we don't need the whole 'progression' thing in a relationship, as in, we don't need tangible proof that our relationship is going somewhere, we know it anyway.

 

As for someone else asking to do it to make their partner happy; why should I need to sign a bunch of papers as proof that I love someone? To recreate the question I quoted earlier; If they don't know whether or not I love them after 8 years, they never will. Paper or not. Basically, if my word isn't good enough for someone, than they're not good enough for me.

 

Marriage seems like a really odd thing to put on such a high pedistal. I will add though that propably part of the reason I don't consider marriage a necessity is the fact that I'm not religious in any way, so it would pretty much just be inane paperwork and a made-up cermony. Which just seems silly to me.

 

Breaking up with someone because they dont want to get married seems a bit.. childish. You dont get what you want so you leave, even if everything else is good. How many years are you willing to spend with someone else before you demand marriage of them? If 8 years have past on the first, and you want to get married soon, chances are you'll give the next guy less years , and so it goes. Until you one day sit there having gone through a bunch of guys, none of whom want to marry you in the time frame that you want to get married within. What then will you do?

[rude dude]

I totally agree with you. I can not fathom how getting married is more important than the relationship in itself. I believe strongly that (many women) not all, but many women want to get married so bad that it really doesn't matter to who. That makes me really sad.

 

They will try to make themselves happy with the guy who is willing to marry. Women consider a man who wants to marry better than a man who doesn't; therefore will try harder to make it work........but many times...it does not. It looks like this marriage ideology that that socitey pushes; *UCKS UP as just as many of women's relationships and mental health as it helps. Thats why half the posts on this site involve this subject.

 

I only speak the truth.

[MusicWoman]

Nocturnal, just a question for you

 

If a man is all you say (and I don't argue that the man is being totally committed and loving while not married in this situation) to stay with someone for 8 years; to devote so much time into the relationship and know that they are in love in happy with that....then why are they afraid of marraige? Why does it happen that some men are really scared of it but can be in a relationship for such a long time?

 

And in your case, the paper doesn't mean anything to you thats fine...but if you were with a woman who you were in love with, who you only saw yourself with in the future, and she really wanted to get married...would you do it since it would mean something to her?

[justagirliegirl]

If the paper doesn't mean anything, then why not just go ahead and do it? If marriage doesn't mean anything one way or the other then why not get married?

[RecordProducer]

The original post is a year and a half old and I think the poster didn't show up recently. In any case, it's interesting how she percieves things - that she needs a husband and family, all her friends have succeeded in that field except for her, and if this guy doesn't marry her nobody will. It's more a matter of personal accomplishment than love.

 

Regarding the paper, it's not just a paper. Marriage is objectively much more than a romantic relationship. Hence the men's fear to enter it.

[rude dude]

The original post is a year and a half old and I think the poster didn't show up recently. In any case, it's interesting how she percieves things - that she needs a husband and family, all her friends have succeeded in that field except for her, and if this guy doesn't marry her nobody will. It's more a matter of personal accomplishment than love.

 

Regarding the paper, it's not just a paper. Marriage is objectively much more than a romantic relationship. Hence the men's fear to enter it.

 

 

I agree....well worded too.

[carmaenforcer]

Yeah, it seems to me, like record producer stated, the original poster heedley75 is stressing too much the fact that her friends are getting or have already gotten married, and her goals and expectations come off as more of a check list of accomplishments that she needs done more that the wish to join with the man she loves.

I don't want to judge without knowing for sure, especially since I couldn't take the time to read all the posts before adding my 2 cents, so I will just say this.

I have a friend, my best friend actually, male, 27 yo. He is very driven and told me on more than one occasion that he didn't want to get together with someone seriously until he was where he wanted to be financially. I also had a co-worker, also male mid twenties, extremely driven, perfectionist, and he also didn't put much importance on getting together with anyone seriously. This other guy was a prick, that worried more about his income than how he treated people, especially women.

 

If the original posters boy friend is anything like these two guys I mentioned chances are that they will never place her as high as she want to be, his needs and desires already hold that spot.

[Guest]

I totally agree with you. I can not fathom how getting married is more important than the relationship in itself. I believe strongly that (many women) not all, but many women want to get married so bad that it really doesn't matter to who. That makes me really sad.

 

They will try to make themselves happy with the guy who is willing to marry. Women consider a man who wants to marry better than a man who doesn't; therefore will try harder to make it work........but many times...it does not. It looks like this marriage ideology that that socitey pushes; *UCKS UP as just as many of women's relationships and mental health as it helps. Thats why half the posts on this site involve this subject.

 

I only speak the truth.

 

 

You my brother do in fact speak the truth!!!!

 

I look at it as if the woman tells gives the man the ultimatum regarding marriage then the man is better off letting her leave. After all, it is about nothing more than the "ring, house and husband" than it is about the companionship, love, trust and loyalty that should exist.

 

I have been given the "marry me or it is over" thing just recently and decided it was best to select the "it is over" option...

 

Here is my story...

 

In my situation the woman and I were both previously married. We both have young children from our prior marriages. Our relationship began while we were both married. Something that I am ashamed of but feel it is relevant... My ex-wife and I separated after about six months into the "extra curricular" relationship. I lived with friends and moved back in with my parents for about two years while trying to get my life back together. I gave my ex-wife just about everything and did not hire a lawyer during the divorce process. I felt it was my fault and honestly wanted her to stay in the house as it provides a good home for my children. I still do anything I can for my ex-wife as I feel it just gives me more opportunity to spend time with my children.

 

But... back to the problem at hand... The person that I am involved with now constantly says she wants the relationship over whenever something does not go her way. If there is a disagreement she wants it over... No matter how small the disagreement. There never is a situation to this woman when we can just "agree to disagree". Whenever she "ends" the relationship we will not talk for two or three days then I will call her and I will put it back together. Then a couple of days later we have a disagreement and she "ends" the relationship again... This process has been repeating itself for about the last year and a half. The couple of days we have while we are "getting along" are great...

 

For the past year she has been saying she wants to plan a wedding, get married, etc... I keep telling her that we need to focus on the basics of our relationship and work on not "breaking up" twice a week. Her response is that everything will be fine if I only give her a commitment (ring). She states that the lack of commitment (ring) is the reason why she is the way she is in our relationship.

 

Tonight I told her "fine, you want the ring then we will go buy your ring". Her response is "I don't want it like that, it is not right that I have to pressure you into buying a ring". I told her that I agree 100% and that we should focus on our relationship and enjoy the time together. Her response is "not without a commitment (ring)". So, here I am with this crazy lune that states she does not want the ring because she has pressured me into "giving in" but that she does not want to work on our relationship without a commitment (ring). But she will say that it is my fault we are in this position... That I should have given her the commitment (ring) a long time ago...

 

What do you all think about this situation???

[Guest]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and all of my friends are getting married and were not even engoged I am tired of waiting. I am divorced and have a daughter and he has a son. We bought a house and he still isnt ready for marrage I dont no if he ever will but I no that im read to move on with my life the answer is are you reeady to wait your whole life for something you dont no to happen.

[KNin]

I think what that Kevin guy said was right about the whole..."my friends are all married and I'm not"....but....8 years is a long time for someone to wait and plus some people want to start a family. just because you live with someone and cleans their boxers doesn't mean that you are married. plus a peice of paper goes a long way. that peice of paper means more when you don't want it anymore! i have always said to myself that even if you have one doubt about a person....do not marry them...it will be in your mind forever! get married because you love each other and want to start a family. Not because it's the right, next thing to do.