How to tell my husband that I'm unhappy.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I mentioned in another post that I have a feeling that the "big talk" is going to happen tonight. I was out late last night (about 1 1/2 hours after expected) and yes with the OM.

 

How do I tell my husband that I am unhappy and that I think our marriage is dead and I don't know what else we can do to make it better?

 

What do I tell him if he asks me outright if I'm cheating (and the answer will be NO). I am going to ask him the same question though, because maybe he is.

 

Any suggestions on what to say and what not to say? We always end up arguing, blaming, feeling sorry for ourselves, getting defensive, and that is why we avoid talking about our relationship.

 

We have two children (7 and 9).

[Barby]

I was out late last night (about 1 1/2 hours after expected) and yes with the OM.

 

Okay so you're seeing someone else?

 

What do I tell him if he asks me outright if I'm cheating (and the answer will be NO).

 

You just said you were cheating??!!!!

 

Okay my advice....

 

Don't wait for him to ask you, tell him you need to talk to him. Sit him down and tell him that you've been unhappy for sometime, you've wanted to tell him but afraid to do so, you've been cheating for "x" amount of time and that you want the marriage to be over.

 

You're cheating so you should be woman enough to be honest about it to your S/O

 

I don't think anyone deserves to be deceived so please (also for your own piece of mind) be honest. And do it as soon as possible to avoid further pain on both ends.

 

Does your "OM" know you're married?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

I mentioned in another post that I have a feeling that the "big talk" is going to happen tonight. I was out late last night (about 1 1/2 hours after expected) and yes with the OM.

 

How do I tell my husband that I am unhappy and that I think our marriage is dead and I don't know what else we can do to make it better?

 

What do I tell him if he asks me outright if I'm cheating (and the answer will be NO). I am going to ask him the same question though, because maybe he is.

 

Any suggestions on what to say and what not to say? We always end up arguing, blaming, feeling sorry for ourselves, getting defensive, and that is why we avoid talking about our relationship.

 

We have two children (7 and 9).

 

so tonights the night?....I have read you other threads...

 

Will the big talk involve telling how you feel and that you want to work it out?

 

OR have you made up your mind and this the "END" talk?

 

 

Either way.....BE TOTALLY HONEST.....it will hurt deeply, very deeply. But its the only way....IMO.

 

He WILL ask you if you found someone....and I would hope you would tell the truth......in time all truths will come out anyway...

 

as far as what to say...I have no clue.....but I have learned that when talking of feelings, use the words "ME and "I". Stay away from the "you this" and "you that".....these are your feelings, NOT his.....make sure you state them that way.

[The_Analyzer]

I don't really know what to say to that except good luck. I know it will be hard. Just be open and honest.

 

 

 

_________________________

 

"The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when its over;

those two elements always go together."

[Fritz]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

I mentioned in another post that I have a feeling that the "big talk" is going to happen tonight. I was out late last night (about 1 1/2 hours after expected) and yes with the OM.

 

How do I tell my husband that I am unhappy and that I think our marriage is dead and I don't know what else we can do to make it better?

 

What do I tell him if he asks me outright if I'm cheating (and the answer will be NO). I am going to ask him the same question though, because maybe he is.

 

Of course it will be no, because admitting you've been doing something wrong is oh so impossible to handle. Of course, you then say you'll throw back the accusation of cheating to him. Anything to deflect the truth eh?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I spoke with H this past weekend, and we both agreed that the marriage is over and we should separate. We're going to figure out the living arrangements in the next few weeks and figure out how to tell the kids. I'm going to find separation/family counselling in the area as well.

 

He said his heart hasn't been in it for a long time (I'm not sure how long, but it feels like at least a year). I told him I didn't think we tried as hard as we could, but we tried as hard as we "wanted" to.

 

He hasn't cheated, so he says and I believe him. I didn't tell him about the OM because this all relates to issues that existed long before I met the OM which was only a month ago.

 

We plan to split everything 50-50 including time with the kids as we both plan to own our own homes and plan to live within a few blocks of each other.

 

I'm okay, no tears shed yet, but I'm pretty emotionally drained. Thanks for everyone's support here.

[Barby]

I'm glad that you talked to him, I'm saddened that you couldn't be honest even though both of you are adults, yes the issues were there before hand but you're still being unfaithful...honesty is always the best policy but I guess in your case it isn't an option...

 

On a more positive note, at least you both are freeing each other up to pursue a happier life since it seems neither of you really wanted to be with the other one anymore....you can move on almost guiltless as can he....I wish you the best of luck and hope that in your next relationship you two can COMMUNICATE BEFORE it comes to the point of one cheating if you're not happy....good luck!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

thanks barby. I for sure don't want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship and plan to be a good communicator from now on, and at least make sure the guy is a good one too.

 

The OM I am seeing was in my position a few years ago and went for counselling and really has it together. I still plan on going for some therapy as well.

 

My H suspects that I am seeing someone and I think he will find out eventually. I might break down and tell him, but hopefully will have the living arrangements figured out - he said that if he found out I was seeing someone else, he would want me to leave right away....I have nowhere to go and I wouldn't leave immediately because of the kids. I would sleep in the basement first.

[Barby]

Well as long as it works for YOU then why not huh?

 

 

Are you leaving the children with him?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

So far the plan is to share custody 50-50. They will spend one week with him and one week with me. We have friends in town who do the same thing, and it works for them. It's alot of back and forth but we have really great kids and I know they will adjust.

[izzybelle]

the 50-50 split can work, but it is sometimes difficult. my kids split each week, sun-wed, thurs-sat. we had to do it that way because of my ex's work schedule, he's never home on thurs. the only problem i can see with the week to week split you may have already talked to your friends about. although my kid's adjusted pretty quickly to the split i honestly think if my daughter knew that she'd possibly go a whole week without seeing "mom" she would have had a harder time with it. my kid's definitely appreciate the fact that they didn't feel like they had to choose and that they get to see us both somewhat equally (it never quite seems to work out as 50-50).

 

it sounds like you and your H are on good terms and hopefully that will help but still, a word of caution about child support. in NYS there weren't as many cases of child support with a shared custody as there are for the more "traditional" splits. my H first tried to say if the kid's were 50-50 he shouldn't have to pay me anything, then he tried 50% of what was recommended we settled for somewhere around 75% of the amount and it's not enough for me to survive on and i now am faced with the discomfort after almost 3 yrs. of asking him to revisit the amount, cost of living increase or whatever. keep in mind, for both of you, that even though the kids are ONLY there 50% your main expenses stay the same. something my ex couldn't quite grasp.

 

good luck. and BTW, i may be the only one to say this, but i probably wouldn't have told him about the OM either. i don't know that i would have questioned him about possible infidelity, but even though in many ways i believe honesty is the best policy what's done is done and why make matters possibly worse for the kids if the two of you end up going at each other because of it. him kicking you out, or you moving into the basement is going to make things harder for the kids. if it comes out at a later date, then so be it, but for now because of the kids, it may be best to keep quiet. and possibly for your sake you may want to cool things a bit with the OM for a while.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Izzy, we're on the same page. I agree with everything you say about not mentioning the OM. If he finds out, yeah that will be hard but we still have to think about the kids. We did go over our finances and came up with a fair almost 50-50 - we earn pretty close to the same income so I don't think there will be a child support or alimony issue (Canadian laws are a bit different as well).

 

If the kids are on a one week split, I think the agreement will still allow for visits during each other's weeks since we both have activities during the week where the other would need to "babysit" for a few hours. Also it's a smaller town and we would both want to go watch our kids in their weekly activities as well as long as it doesn't get too uncomfortable for anyone.

 

I'm looking forward to my "new life" - I know that sounds selfish, but I've been living a personal hell the last 5 years and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have issues to work out on my own and things might get worse before they actually get better (ie the roller coaster).

[izzybelle]

sounds like things will work out well for you. it's ok to be selfish!!!! trust me... i completely understand. when i walked out of the house to be on my own with the kids i felt such a relief it was indescrible! and as much as there are good days and bad days, i wouldn't trade my new life for my old.

 

there have been some tough times and i really do miss the kids when they're not with me but i talk to them on the phone when they're with their dad. they both have their own cell phones now (even though they're only 11 & 13). their dad periodically gives them "grief" about calling me too much, so since they have their own phones they can pretty much call whenever they want or need. it's been a great benefit especially when they visit my ex in-laws, who hate me with a passion. the kids felt uncomfortable asking if they could call so.... it's all working out.

 

i know when we first split, i was talking to a friend of mine who's divorced and she said as terrible as it would sound, once i adjusted i'd look forward to having some time to myself. couldn't imagine feeling that way, but there are times when it's nice to be able to just kick back and relax. don't get me wrong, i'd love to have my kids with me all the time but it's nice to have "me" time. and yes, i know that sounds selfish!

 

good luck with your new life!