One Mistake that Cost her World

[walkingwounded]

I have looked for weeks and I can't find another story like mine. I've gotten some serious criticism about this, but I wanted to see if anyone out there had experienced such things. I read a post here about a guy who pushed his girlfriend and she broke up with him. He felt as if he'd lost a precious jewel. I feel somewhat the same. Please comment and try to understand that I am a genuinely good person who made one horrendous decision and is trying to understand how to do the best in this situation. Note: this is kind of a long post.

 

-------------------

 

This is story that I've not been able to tell for two months. I really need to get this out and I hope this is the right place to do so. I've read some of the stories here, and I feel like I might be the only one who's in my position. It all started with one bad decision.

 

It was my birthday and just like many birthdays, we headed out for a few drinks. We were a group of 10 or so, but one of my buddies kept buying drinks. He and I got really loaded and another friend drove "K" and I home. It didn't feel like anything new; I'd been here before.

 

K and I had history. We'd dated about 3 years ago for just over 3 months and remained friends throughout. She had just gotten out of a relationship and wanted to rekindle things. She was worried about me, so she stayed with me to make sure I was okay.

 

We hooked up that night. I knew I didn't want to give her any false impressions of my intentions; I wasn't ready to be with her again, but we had hooked up a few times in the months previous and we both understood it was just casual fun. She left at about 7 the next morning and I got up around 10. I went to wash my face and looked in the mirror. I knew I might have confused her and made my life a bit more difficult. I had no idea what was to come.

 

She came over at about 11 and did not seem totally herself. I thought it might have been residual sadness over the breakup of her last relationship; she and I had talked about it at length and it was still fresh for her.

 

She then told me that last night...I was rough. She was having a hard time telling me all of this. She said that she wouldn't call it rape because that would make me something she knew I wasn't. My stomach landed in my ankles. And so began the last two months...

 

She was scared of the dark and didn't want to be around anyone but me. She said I made her feel safe. I wanted to be with her to help her, but didn't understand how she could separate me being her friend from what had happened. She kept saying "it wasn't you last night...you are not a rapist". No matter how many times she said it, I still had this undying sense of duty. Like a samurai, I'd have killed myself had she asked me to. I didn't understand, but I didn't have time to worry about me. My entire focus was with K.

 

After about 2 weeks of noticeable progress (she was able to sleep alone, if only for a few hours. I'd been staying with her, right next to her in her bed - that still baffles me) she started asking if I thought she should go see someone. Not being a trained therapist, but having helped friends through various types of trauma, I thought I had been doing some good. Not so naive as to think I could "fix her", I investigated and got the names of three therapists. She was deathly afriad of talking to anyone and her panic attacks were easily brought on by the mention of such things.

 

The panic attacks started just after the "event". I don't even know what to call it now since she (now nearly three months later) calls it rape, but doesn't deem me a rapist.

 

I made myself available to her 24/7...knowing full well that therapists don't do that for a reason. I couldn't tell her "no, I need time to grasp this too". After two weeks, I was running on adrenaline alone...I wasn't even thinking about me.

 

With her approval, I set up the first meeting with Julie, the therapist. She was against the idea of me paying for the sessions, but I insisted. She finally allowed me to take care of that part. I drove her to the appointment, waited for her, and saw a different look on her face when she walked down the stairs from Julie's office. She had a smile on her face for the first time in 2 weeks. She said "thank you" and "you're amazing" and we hugged for about the 1,000th time. I didn't believe what I was hearing and forced myself to be quietly skeptical of her progress. Outwardly, though, I was unchanged...there for her 24/7.

 

To this day, I know that I shouldn't have drank so much. I wasn't able to make good decisions, but so much more important than that, I wasn't able to see how K was responding to my advances. She never said "no" or "stop". In fact, she said something that she'd said weeks before when we hooked up. I honestly thought everything was fine. I once thought "why wasn't she more firm with me and say 'no'"; realizing a moment later that fear can cripple a person.

 

And so now, even with all the past events; the fear, the kindness, the anger, I can't figure out if I am this astonishing awful person. I almost came to terms with it and accepted that I'd made a bad decision that lead to a horrible event in someone else's life. A few weeks ago, we had breakfast together. Our last breakfast before she leftto go to Ireland for a few weeks; and then on to Australia. She wants to go away to try and find herself again. There's more to it than that, but I don't think she can even understand it all as of yet. She's back for about a week in between and wrote me this two days ago (double stars (**) are my edits to include important info left out):

 

-----

So I've written and unwritten, sealed but not mailed, so many letters to you

that you would fine me insane if I told you the actual number. (And yes,

it's possible to unwrite a letter. It's called the delete key.) But for

the first time this entire trip, I am convinced this one will make it to

you. But who knows, the waste bin may win again.

 

Tonight is the first night on the entire trip I've felt totally comfortable,

really relaxed.

 

...

 

I feel so without respect I guess would be the way to put it. And it's not because

you disrespected me, although to a degree that has put all three qualities (**mentioned earlier: friendship, love, loyalty)

to the test.

 

I know you never meant to hurt me. I know, right now, you are still my

friend (alright, after Sunday I HOPE you are my friend - **day she walked out on me...read on) and that if nothing

else, you respect me more now than ever for doing what I'm doing out here.

 

And here hasn't been easy, except for the fact that it's not there. I've

cried, been terrified to leave my room, and amost boarded a plane twice to

come home. That's frustrating, because it's so not me and all these

feelings are so unfamiliar and frightening, and more than anything I want

them to go away.

 

But tonight was the first night I felt really comfortable, really felt at

home. Not only in terms of location, but with myself as well. I don't feel

like the world is out to attack me anymore. I don't feel like I'm carrying

around a huge burden anymore. I feel very free and I'm smiling.

 

And that's why I think I found the balls to actually send this letter.

 

Those three areas of our friendship are so important to me - love,

friendship and respect. And if I could add one more, it would be trust.

I want more than anything to rebuild my trust in myself, and, to a degree,

the trust that our friendship isn't going to hurt me anymore. That's not

something you can work on, but I need to work on within my relationship to

you.

 

Everyone I spoke to and everything I read told me not to forgive you right

away, to take my time and really experience and own my feelings with you.

That's why last Sunday had to happen. I needed you to go away so I could

really sort through my feelings and everything that's happened. I needed

you to be gone so I could finally release you. And finally, really truly,

forgive you for the terrible night two months ago that I've been walking

around repressing.

 

And I can finally say I'm on my way. I'm not fully there yet. The work

needs to be done on my foresight. I'm almost past the hating you for what

happened and by the time this letter is over, I may be fully over it (24

hour statute of limitations, you know). But I'm scared for the future now,

worried about what will happen when I want to enter another sexual

relationship, even a romantic one. Will all these fears come tumbling

back? Or will I have dealt with them forever? Something tells me I will

have to wait and see.

 

I wonder what's been in your head for the past week. If you miss me, if you

miss our conversations. If it feels different to know I'm half way around

the world, rather than half a block, away. Maybe you've tried to forget,

maybe you're in a cave. Maybe you cried once I left the Egg and I.

 

Please leave 6:00 p.m. on Thursday, October 21 open. There is something

planned for you. You'll learn more later, but out of repsect, love, and

friendship for me, please save the date. Trust me.

 

-----

 

Back to the references to "Sunday" when we had our "last breakfast":

She told me that for the last two months, she'd made me the priority. That everything she was going through had to be curtailed and that there was a pressure to "be okay". She said that she wasn't okay and that she'd come to accept that as "okay". It was good to hear, but hard to see how much she was still hurting. She berated me again for drinking so much that night. She told me that she needed to hate me and that that was really hard because she's never loved anyone as much as she does me. She said that all the time we'd spent together was detrimental to her. That was really hard to hear. She then asked for one last favor: to let her walk out on me. And so she did. I don't know when I might hear from her again.

 

And so, here I am with a million questions. Am I a horrible person? Can I ever make up for this? I feel like a good guy who's made a terrible choice that hurt someone so deeply that they feel they have to run to 2 other continents to try to grasp it. Reading her letter makes me think she's working hard and trying to come back to a sense of normalcy, but I really don't know. One minute it's essential that I'm there, the next, she "has to hate me" and leaves. Am I doing her any good by being there for whatever she wishes or should I extract myself from her life; removing what is at times very painful for her? Thoughts of her pervade my mind daily and I am comfortable telling her how I feel, but am I not in a place where I've earned that right? I hope this is less confusing to all of you than it is to me. I am 98% lost with all of this and I'm really trying to do what's right. Thanks for reading.

[CurlyIam]

Did this ever happen to you?Are you known to be violent or at least grumpy and mean when drank?

 

One time, with my ex, he had drank a lot and wa feeling like having sex. I didn't. He never phisically presured me, but insisted and insisted. I gave in initially but was not in the mood. I told him so and he understood. In the morning he deeply appologised and we never talked about it again.

 

We had dated for a year when that happened. Yes, I did trust him. A Lot. No, I did not feel disapointed. He got it. He was drunk.

 

 

Drinking is never an excuse. Yes, fear may paralyse you, but she did not have to kill you. It was allright to scream STOP. Or bite. or tear you up with her nails. I am very sensitive when it comes to sex. If I feel that some one looks at me in a sleezyway, I change bars. So maybe I'm not the person most indicated to talk to you.

 

 

She had to make herself heard. Did you leave marks on her body? Were you agressive to her? To any of your ond gf? No offence, but at times I like it a little rougher. Especially when intoxicated. So to one person that might feel ofensive, other people might scream more.

 

 

How drunk were you? did you pay any attention to her? Can you specifically remember having sex with her? If not, than you have 2 big problems: the first is an alcohol problem and the second is an agressivity problem.

 

 

 

There are 2 people in bed. How could you not see how she responded? How did she responded? Do you remember? did you hurt her?

 

 

People can change dramatically when drank. I had an exemple in my family. Do you have a drinking problem?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I almost hesitate to even dare touch this kind of pain. Only you and your friend really know what happened that fateful night. It seems you remember some of it which may explain your guilt and urgency to try and undo the damage. However, I'm having a hard time understanding why after the alleged rape your friend stayed until the next morning and then was insistent afterwards on sharing her bed with you…and having "you", and ONLY you around.

 

Was this "rape" or some kind of emotional manipulation to involve you more deeply into a relationship with her? My head is spinning as well.

 

We hooked up that night. I knew I didn't want to give her any false impressions of my intentions; I wasn't ready to be with her again, but we had hooked up a few times in the months previous and we both understood it was just casual fun.

 

Perhaps you are BOTH confused about what actually took place that night and during the days that followed. Perhaps it took your friend some time to actually process her emotions in regard to what really happened. I also wonder how many counseling sessions she attended and what conclusions she had reached with the help of her therapist.

 

Reading your post---my stomach dropped to my knees as well. I had to read it twice. Particularly the part of her letter to you which stated she had something planned for you on October 21st. Do you have any idea what that could possibly mean?

 

Please go confide in someone, WalkingWounded. You need someone more qualified to talk to about this. Is there any way you can arrange a meeting with Julie yourself to help you get all of this sorted out?

[Pocky]

I guess I'm confused by some things.

 

1)She claims you were rough with her and basically raped her although she doesn't consider you a rapist.

 

2)She is terrified of the dark and being alone but the only person that can make her fell safe and calm her is the same person that she now claims raped her.

 

3)She continuously states that respects you, values your friendship and loves you but is having a hard time with coming to terms with the fact that you raped her.

 

I think I'd have a hard time respecting, loving and wanting to be near someone that I believe raped me. I guess it just confuses me that the person that hurt her the most makes her feel the most safe. If she was terrified of the dark, as a result of what you did to her, why would she want to be with you in the dark?

 

I'm not saying she's lying, but I can't put two and two together.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by walkingwounded

And so, here I am with a million questions. Am I a horrible person? Can I ever make up for this? I feel like a good guy who's made a terrible choice that hurt someone so deeply that they feel they have to run to 2 other continents to try to grasp it. Reading her letter makes me think she's working hard and trying to come back to a sense of normalcy, but I really don't know. One minute it's essential that I'm there, the next, she "has to hate me" and leaves. Am I doing her any good by being there for whatever she wishes or should I extract myself from her life; removing what is at times very painful for her? Thoughts of her pervade my mind daily and I am comfortable telling her how I feel, but am I not in a place where I've earned that right? I hope this is less confusing to all of you than it is to me. I am 98% lost with all of this and I'm really trying to do what's right. Thanks for reading.

 

No, you sure don't sound like a horrible person. Please, don't take that burden onto your shoulders.

 

Can you make up for it? I don't know -- is there anything really to make up for? You both made some bad choices, alcohol was involved, and if amends need to be made, it takes two. She is putting you through a lot right now also.

 

It sounds like she may be projecting a lot of her own, and completely separate, fears and instabilities on to you because of that one night -- which may have only been a trigger for her. She just came out of a relationship and that could have skewed her perceptions of herself and of you.

 

You are not responsible for her. Repeat that back. You Are NOT Responsible for Her. You have done everything to help her, but you need to help yourself. Counseling may be beneficial for you right now, so that you can sort out your thoughts and feelings about what happened and make some plans/goals for YOU.

 

It doesn't have to mean losing a friendship with her, but you can't live your life trying to 'make up' for something that you don't remember. I know that rape victims (especially incest) can form bonds with their rapists, but its rare and unhealthy for both parties. Perhaps it is time to for each of you to take a complete hiatus from each other and work on yourselves.

 

The October 21 surprise sounds a bit inappropriate given the nature of your relationship at present. Trying to mask problems with events planned to give the appearance of "normalcy" rarely have a positive outcome. They leave the people feeling let-down because they don't enjoy themselves the way they hoped. I don't think surprises for or from either of you at this point is necessarily a good thing -- but that is all based only on your post. I'm sure there is much much more to everything and I may be reading your words with a different view or feeling than what you originally intended.

 

You always have the right to tell someone how you feel. My first instinct when I read your post was to break off ties with her and each of you work on your SELVES. I don't see how you can be helpful to each other now. I wouldn't want to be with anyone (friend or romance) who "had to hate [me]" sometimes! That is not healthy.

[GirlDown]

yeah, i'm having a difficult time understanding this also.

 

maybe this girl is a bit confused about some things also...

 

i think she might be using the word "rape" a little too loosely...rough, drunken sex does not equal rape just because you might feel guilty the next day...

 

maybe it seems like i'm being harsh, but something is not right here...

[blind_otter]

I was raped as a teenager. Coping with rape trauma syndrome and PTSD was a big reason why I decided to go into psychology.

 

You told a long story - in all honesty it's hard for a person on the outside to comment becaus even with the length of the story, it is your side....i can let you know a little of what I've learned.

 

There have been times when I was having intercourse where I had flashbacks - flashbacks are more severe than just memories - you actually see, hear, feel, smell, everything from the traumatic event. You are not here, you go there, back in time, in your memory. When I had flashbacks, I would freak out. I was going through therapy at that point, so I was able to discern that the panic attacks I had were not related to the man I was having sex with at that time - they were related to the past. I had what is called a pseudo-recovery, everything was buried and resurfaced about 4-5 years after the fact. I remembered factually what had happened but my emotional reaction was delayed.

 

After re-experiencing the trauma through flashbacks you go get renewed PTSD symptoms like those you described - hypervigilance (fear of the dark), panic attacks.....

 

here are some signs of trauma-related stress:

 

Recurring thoughts or nightmares about the event.

Having trouble sleeping or changes in appetite.

Experiencing anxiety and fear, especially when exposed to events or situations reminiscent of the trauma.

Being on edge, being easily startled or becoming overly alert.

Feeling depressed, sad and having low energy.

Experiencing memory problems including difficulty in remembering aspects of the trauma.

Feeling "scattered" and unable to focus on work or daily activities.

Having difficulty making decisions.

Feeling irritable, easily agitated, or angry and resentful.

Feeling emotionally "numb," withdrawn, disconnected or different from others.

Spontaneously crying, feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness.

Feeling extremely protective of, or fearful for, the safety of loved ones.

Not being able to face certain aspects of the trauma, and avoiding activities, places,or even people that remind you of the event.

 

Basically what I'm saying is this - rapists know what they are doing. period. doesn't accidentally happen, not a trauma severe enough to create a post-traumatic reaction. it's taken me years to come to grips, and in all honesty, you never "get over" PTSD - you learn to live with it. If you don't attend to healing yourself you will consantly re-experience the trauma and constantly suffer.

 

And you don't need to hate anyone. Part of my recovery process involved me learning to forgive my attacker. I don't think there's an excuse for what he did, but learning to let go of the blame and the rage was the best part of my recovery process.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Maybe you should consider see a therapist - seems like you could use someone to talk to.

[FolderWife]

I agree something is not right here

 

A man rapes you. It makes you so AFRAID that you don't want to be alone in the dark. So you ask your rapist to stay in the dark with you

 

I have nothing to say about this, because it makes absolutely no sense.

[walkingwounded]

I was shocked to see so many replies to this. I'm actually kind of shaking right now, because I feel, for the first time, I've been heard. Many of you said "something's not right here". I haven't had the time to look at that since I've been too concerned about her. I think you can all understand why; she's my good friend and I care about her well-being.

 

Thank you so very much for your thoughts on this. I have thought a few times about seeing Julie, but perhaps I should see someone unrelated. Perhaps not. I'm not one who deals well with talking about my problems, but I appreciate the thoughts on this.

 

The issue of Confusion: Enigma got that one. I posted this post on another forum...that's all I got. "You sound really confused...". I don't even know if I am confused....so I guess I must be. Apparently, concensus is that K is as well.

 

Pocky: "I can't put two and two together". I never had a chance to try to put two and two together...I was just trying to look out for her. My days for 2 full months consisted of getting up, going to work, being on IM with her all day, then going to her place and spending all evening there. Then being asked to stay the night to comfort her. It was literally another full-time job and a half. But it didn't matter, I wanted to help her. Now though, you are all bringing up points that are valid: something isn't right.

 

HokeyReligions: Your avatar is creepy, but your words helpful. It's fooked up that I should have to deal with someone who has to "hate me right now". I am slowly realizing that, but I'm still carrying a big weight that says "rapist" all over it. And I've taken care of K to the best of my ability and barely maintained my sanity even with this huge weight on my shoulders. I am really doing okay, but this is absolutely, by far, the hardest time I've ever had in my whole life. While you say I'm not responsible for her, I cannot see myself just letting her go and having to say "I can't see you right now".

 

blind_otter: You got a lot of it. I think it's clear that K is suffering from some sizable PTSD. It's impossible for me know exactly what the trauma was, but I know the symptoms. I've been helping her through a lot of them and arranging resources to help her work through those she can't/doesn't want to work through with me. First off, that's gonna sound like really bad medicine...being so tightly involved with what is essentially "a patient". I get that, but I felt as if I had no choice. Perhaps now I need to reevaluate. What I can say is I never had any intention to hurt or take advantage of her. I honestly believed that everything was fine. And yet K is presenting with significant symptoms and signs of distress. Therein lies the unknown of this whole issue and the major reason why I am upset and lost.

 

One reply asked about previous behavior, etc. Let me assure everyone, you would meet me and think I was the nicest guy you'd ever met. I've never been in a situation anything like this one. I do go out occasionally and have some drinks, but I have never been aggresive with anyone; never gotten in a fight; etc. Never. I was always the guy everyone felt safe around (apparently even still given K's reactions). I'm just not like that and so when K, who knows me insanely well, says "you're not a rapist", it gives the statement a lot of credence. And still my mind says, "but what does that mean??" My mind goes further: "If she's not okay, I must have done something awful."

 

As for the Oct 21 thing, I have zero idea. I don't fear it, if anyone's thinking that direction...but I have zero clue. Will she come with some impressive dialogue telling me that it was all really painful, but that she's forgiven me and wants to move on with our friendship? Will she break down even more and say "I really need you now". I am anxious about it, that's for sure. Even letting stupid scenarios roam about my head where I go up with a big telephoto lens (photography habit) and try to figure out what the hell is going on before I waltz up there. Man, that sounds really dumb.

 

I can't say it enough. Thank you. It doesn't change that I made a bad decision that night in drinking beyond a point where I could be in control and Iwill have to live with and deal with that. Yet to hear your opinions is helpful in aiding me in trying to understand what is best for both K and myself right now. I will certainly post back after the 21st (maybe sooner if any of you have more to say) and let you all know what went down.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Pocky

I guess I'm confused by some things.

 

1)She claims you were rough with her and basically raped her although she doesn't consider you a rapist.

 

2)She is terrified of the dark and being alone but the only person that can make her fell safe and calm her is the same person that she now claims raped her.

 

3)She continuously states that respects you, values your friendship and loves you but is having a hard time with coming to terms with the fact that you raped her.

 

These are exactly the things that confuse me. If a friend of mine did that to me I would not feel secure with him , if anything, that would be the last person I would want to be around. There is no way in h*ll that person would make me feel SECURE! WTF

[royal]

Hey buddy,

 

I feel for you brother. I actually was the guy you referred to in your original post. The one who lost his 'precious jewel' because of some abuse I commited against her when we were both drunk. All I can say, is that you should leave her alone for as long as it takes. This is something I should have done. If you want any hope of ever being close to this woman again, you need to let her be. In the meantime, work on yourself. Chances are you probably have some issues you aren't/weren't aware of that contributed to the 'rape'. I suggest you enter some counselling yourself for YOURSELF and explore your past relationships and upbringing.

I also suggest quitting drinking for a long time. I stopped drinking after my 'incident' and it helped me focus on my issues with clarity.

I wish you the best. But don't pressure her. I learned fom my cousellor (who also deals with rape victims) that victims of rape/abuse can experience a rollercoaster of emotions. And believe me, you do't want to go on this ride. Save yourself the months of heartache and move on with your life and leave her alone.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, royal, how you've been? Didn't hear from you in a while....

[royal]

HI Curly,

 

I know, I've been in hiding from gobain...lol!

 

I'm doing better. I just finished my counselling this week. Also, started a new job and have since moved out of the place my 'ex-fiancee' and I were living in. So, the fresh start has helped. I made allot of changes in my life after the split and firing. I'm a different person. I've learned allot about myself...How I have a problem with control and was effected by some trauma in my youth. I carry the serenity poem with me (the one AA people use) and try and remember the words of my counsellor when I am pinged with regreat and play the blame game for what happened last June. I've dated a few women since then, but nothing serious yet. I'm waiting for the right one. Next time, I'll wait to say "I love you and want to marry you" until after we have a fight. Of course, I will never push or abuse any partner again after this and what I've learned.

 

It's funny how things happen in threes, I actually ran into her today downtown out of the blue at lunch. Turns out we both work in the same area. She transferred to a new building and I got fired for 'trying to get her back/harassment' and landed a job close by. Fate brought us together like that. She's changed allot. And presumably so have I. We're not even friends now though sadley after being best of friends, lovers and drinking buddies.

 

By the way, I never told the board but I had sent my ex a link to the original thread and she used it in the 'harassment' investigation that got me fired from my job. I thought she would have appreciated seeing the diversity and passion the incident sparked (over 100 posts). She thought I was intruding on her privacy I guess. The reason I got fired though was the website I made of me going down on her.

 

Anyways, it's taken some time and a few threats from her, the police, my ex-employer, but I've started to move on. Part of me still loves her. I'm sending her money every month to help her out. She's buying a house on her own after our dreams were destroyed after the 'push'.

 

How have you been? I see you changed your avatar.

[CurlyIam]

Are you for real? Did you stalk her?

 

did you get fired for showing them LS? That's bs. I mean people come here for different reason, I doubt that could be taken seriously.

 

Do you "have" to pay for the house? Right now I am really happy I don't live in the US.

[royal]

This is the poem:

 

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking as He did this sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him Forever

in the next.

[royal]

I wrote her some emails at work where I tried to win her back. She used them to show how I was harassing her. So I guess I did stalk her in email.

The investigator asked me during the 'investigation' if I went to the net with what happened and I explained to him that everything was anonymous and I was looking for support and ideas to earn her forgiveness. She thought I was using it to manipulate her she said.

 

No, I don't have to pay for the house. But, I feel responsible for the hardship she's had to deal with as a result (living with her brother for three months, working from home because she was afraid of me at work even.). Apparently her dad is paying for a big chunk of the house. I'm only paying back the remainder of a loan she paid off to make a clean break. I'm also paying for her moving expenses. I'm doing it for myself thought too. So I can have no ties to her and know I did everything possible to make things right.

[CurlyIam]

She must have really been scared, Royal. Even if it was all in her head... You're doin' the right thing.

 

HEr father was the one who made her do it, isn't it?

 

God, you're so much better all alone. I just don't believe she took you to court over LS.That is insane. Did I help?

 

I wish I were more convincing....

 

Move on. STOP paying her. You don't owe her a thing. If she was that AFRAID of you why is she taking your money?

 

HAve one nice week end...

 

Curly

[royal]

Feel bad for hijacking buddies thread with my stuff..I'll PM you.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by royal

Feel bad for hijacking buddies thread with my stuff..I'll PM you.

 

Huh? What is it with you people today... I don't understand a thing....

[royal]

I'm sending you a personal message because we're just talking about my situation not the originator of the threads. Just Canadian politeness is all!

[CurlyIam]

Sorry, I didn't get the joke!!!

I am sooo stupid today !!!!

 

Very very stupid. I still need sleep I guess.

 

I've cleared my pm box. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[walkingwounded]

And so last night, I went to see K at her designated "meeting spot". At 6pm, I was there, on this majestic overview of our town and saw her parents' Explorer. I thought she'd be around somewhere, but she was actually inside. She got out as I walked towards the overlook and said "you missed it". There was a small green package sitting on one of the stumps. In it was some candy, the usual "I've been traveling" gift. Then she gave me a package...this one pink and with a card. The card was intricately hand done and noted the Claddagh ring she'd spoken about in her previous email that I posted. Inside the package, was one of these rings.

 

There was something new on her face, an odd sense of comfort, a renewed glow...something. She then confirmed it by telling me that the girl she once knew is now coming back and that she's not letting what happened rule her life anymore. She also said she doesn't hate me anymore, either. Reading my posts, you guys might imagine that this ordeal has been the most topsy-turvy, gut-wrenching thing I've ever had to live through; I was not in the same place as K was. Quite honestly, I'm exhausted and skeptical that any of what she was saying was real; as if the moment I believed her and said "okay, crisis over!" that she would have a panic attack and talk about cutting herself again (didn't mention that before, but yeah, she's got that bit of history too).

 

At that point I explained that I'd done something I've never had to do in my whole life; look for and ask for help. I found some here with you guys, so thank you. But let me continue: I told her that even though each of you brought up valid points, I still didn't think anyone truly understood the depths and complexities of my dilemma. I never thought I would ever be accused of something so horrible, and not be able to be 100% sure that I didn't do it. I still can't find anyone who has been through this same thing. Your advice was helpful, but it isn't the golden answer or connection to someone who's been here before. Essentially, I am reminded that I'm alone in this pain that I'm feeling.

 

That said, I'm a really strong person who has to bear a huge amount of pressure before I start to break down. This situation, as you can imagine, has brought me there. I made the analogy last night that I'm like a sponge that has put all this effort, squeezing every last drop I could muster, into another person. I am bone dry right now and starting to fall apart. And it felt terrible to hear that, all the while, K had been worried about me rather than focusing on her own issues. Basically, we'd been intensely focused on the other person's angst and ended up no better off. I mentioned the word "wasted" as you'll read in a minute.

 

I explained that I was not okay. That I was willing to pay my penance for what I had done, but that having done that for almost 3 months (I recount it not like solitary confinement, but like having someone attached to your hip and having to take care of them nearly 24/7,) I realized that I was breaking down. I told her that if she needed me that I was willing to be there, but that it was hurting me. I write that now and realize I gave her nothing to reply to; not that I needed a reply. I then explained that I, like she, need to take the time to focus on me. Not to hate her or to have any ill-will, but to do what I've always done and play soccer, spin records, go to the movies; be me and not have her complicate things. I need to return to some semblance of normalcy before I even attempt at reviving our friendship (what she wants to do now). She's back in the U.S. for about a week before she goes to Australia for a month. I told her that I won't see her again nor talk to her before she goes and that I won't be in contact while she's there either. She left for 10 days, I need more time, I explained. Through tears, she said it would be really hard, but she understands and is just afraid that it will be many months, years even before we speak again. I can't categorically deny that as this point.

 

So, I write to you, more confused than before, but feeling sick. I look like ****, my stomach is in knots, my mind is cloudy, and my heart aches. Everything about me is saying "whoa, stop, you're no good to anyone right now; take care of yourself first" and so I made the decision to do what I thought I never would: leave someone I cared about without any permission to be in touch with me. I shut her out.

 

She emailed me this morning and I share this email with you, just so you can have a clearer perspective of how she reacted. I don't think I paraphrase it well, so I wanted you to get the full scoop. Thanks for listening to me and for leaving your thoughts. I only hope that someone else who finds them self in my shoes can realize that they aren't the only one to have been there.

 

---------------

 

D,

So I know you posed a challenge to me, but I spent all night tossing and

turning and not getting any sleep, because I was afraid I had done more

damage by talking to you, by not saying everything I wanted to, when we met

yesterday.

 

But then I thought about it and I don't think I did. My greatest intention

for meeting you yesterday was this: to show you I was doing great. And to

try and release you from, as you very well explained, so much of the anguish

you are suffering from.

 

It killed me to hear you say your soul has been blackened, because yes, a

part of me feels responsible for that. But I really thought about it, and

it's not that I feel responsible for it, but I feel frustrated because I

can't do anything about it. And I realized right now, if I try, I would

only be adding to the problem.

 

At one point in our conversation yesterday, I was really scared because it

sounded like you were doubting that it had ever happened, perhaps calling me

a liar. But you're not, I just don't think you understand the process I go

through. I thought in the beginning you were angry, that my ability to cope

and what have you has made it appear unreal, but now I realize it's not that

but rather a disbelief and sincere impressment.

 

I was angry, I was mad, and I've let it go. I can't hold on to something

any longer that makes me feel that way. Perhaps I am an intellectual

marvel, perhaps clinically insane, but I don't see or understand what the

point of holding on to something so self destructive is. And yes, I think

you recognize that there are some parts that will still need working on, but

those will come with time and I feel more myself and more ready for the

challenge than I have in a long time. I wanted, needed, you to see that.

 

You appeared angry when you thought that all your energy was wasted when you

spent so much time and energy giving to me and putting me the priority.

D, YOU EFFORTS WERE NOT WASTED. I could not have come to terms with this

and made the road to recovery nearly as quickly or effectively as I did if

you hadn't been there the way you were. And maybe I didn't make that clear

last night. But I hope that someday what you will understand is that in

order for me to fully get there, I needed to do it myself. You brought me

so far, so much love and energy was good for me and NOT WASTED. But it was

because of that I needed to do it on my own, because what was missing was

that part of me that knew she could take care of herself. I needed to show

myself that nothing was perma damaged, that I was all there if I only looked

hard enough for it. And I have and I've found it and I smile, every day now

and laugh and have that sparkle in my eye I know you see and missed, because

I did too.

 

So I sit here, now realizing the only thing I can do is, yes, grant you the

same thing you granted me. Space alone. And it's scary, because you need

more time than I do and I, well, have the patience of a kitten and am afraid

holidays and years will pass before I see you or interact with you again. I

want to fix it and make it better, but I now realize the pain isn't my fault

and I can't heal it, only you can. But I CAN tell you you're released,

forgiven, there is no hatred or ill will towards you from me. I've found me

again.

 

I've never been so in awe of you as I was when you spoke to me last night.

Thank you for sharing that with me. And I now realize that me sharing with

you (hopefully) provides the first release that you need to start on the

road to being okay.

 

I'm up to your challenge, willing to walk around on my own two feet and

continue to love that fact that I'm me. I'm a fairly amazing person and I

intend to continue to live my life that way. Patience has never been my

strongest virtue, but I accept your challenge. But know you will be in my

thoughts.

 

Until we meet again, take care of yourself.

K

 

-------------

 

And so, perhaps, begins my road to 'recovery'. I really would like to hear any opinions now, more than ever, as I am almost totally lost. I know I'll be okay, and the more I actually do let myself accept that she's forgiven me, the better I will become. Yet, I still harbor fear that she's not yet done and consequently, neither is my task of being there when she falls. Then again, maybe my job is done and anything else she's going to experience isn't going to be about me. I need your thoughts.

 

I can't say it enough, thanks guys, I hope you know what you've given to me these last few weeks.

 

Cheers,

 

D

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can not tell you how personally relieved I am that you came back to let us all know how you were doing. I don't know why --- but I was terribly afraid for you. I had horrible images of you being arrested or perhaps being pummeled by an angry posse of male relatives and friends. Even my partner was compelled to discuss your story with me and shared his concern that the news might be that K was pregnant.

 

You are not alone in your confusion, WalkingWounded. The ring bit was over the top and particularly disturbing to me. Which is why I keep falling back on my first assumption that there could be another underlying motive here. If that's not it (and I'm hoping I'm wrong), then I think it's safe to say, at least, that "all is not well with K" in spite her attempts to convince you otherwise. If so, K needs the kind of help that time, distance and YOU can not give her alone. And I hope with the deepest sincerity that she takes the steps necessary to find it.

 

Meanwhile, it is only my personal opinion that you have made the very best decision in your resolve to remove yourself from her emotional orbit for a while…if not permanently. I know how difficult it is to care for someone; even love someone; suffering from such deep emotional traumas that at times the insanity almost feels contagious: that just being in their presence can suck the very life force out of your soul.

 

You should also take comfort in knowing that you, even with all of your best intentions, can not rescue K from her personal demons. I imagine since this incident, you have acquired a few of your own that will need some tending to. I also hope that you will reconsider finding a professional third party to confide in. Sometimes "stuffing it all back" will not aide in your emotional recovery no matter how self reliant we'd like to think we are. Even the professionals have been known to seek the help and advice of their respected peers.

 

Take good care of yourself, WalkingWounded --- PLEASE

[She's Come Undone]

1. I think she had serious issues before the night in question.

 

2. I think that by making you feel so bad and degraded, she knew she had absolute power over you and you would do whatever she wanted.

 

3. Apparently she wanted you, or perhaps anybody to be near or hold her, etc.

 

4. You need to decide NOW what you feel happened that night. If you feel she was telling you the truth, have you done everything you could to apologize? I think you have showed her how sorry you were.

 

5. I just can not fathom ANY woman wanting to enmesh with someone she considers her rapist.

 

6. She is clearly f*ing with your head. You raped her, but your not a rapist? What kind of backhanded meaning is she getting at? You raped her but she wants you in her bed nightly for a month?

 

7. Nevermind the stereotype of men not seeking help. You need therapy to get through this. You have two issues going on here, first, the night in question, and second, the emotional victimization this woman has and is still putting you through.

 

8. Establish no contact, and mean it!

[Pocky]

I'm sorry - and I hate playing the "bad guy" card because I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt - but the way she writes and communicates to you doesn't sound like someone that was raped. I call bull**** on this one - you need to seek professional help. To clear your head and figure out exactly what you are experiencing.

 

Sounds like to me she's playing you. Not sure why but there's something very unsettling and very sadistic in this entire experience.