One Mistake that Cost her World

[blind_otter]

I have to agree with above posters.

 

As a woman who has been raped (it was by someone I knew, an acquiantance not a friend)....the letter she wrote you just sounds weird. A big part of my recovery process was learning to forgive my attacker, but even though I (am still trying to forgive)...I would never NOT call him a rapist.

 

This is just weird.

 

I may not have been clear in my first post, but I think she was probably raped or molested a long time ago and the memories are just now surfacing. Her therapist may not know because when you first remember you try to find any excuse to re-bury the memories you blocked. They can be confusing and painful.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by Pocky

I'm sorry - and I hate playing the "bad guy" card because I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt - but the way she writes and communicates to you doesn't sound like someone that was raped. I call bull**** on this one - you need to seek professional help. To clear your head and figure out exactly what you are experiencing.

 

Sounds like to me she's playing you. Not sure why but there's something very unsettling and very sadistic in this entire experience.

 

I agree.

 

This sounds like the plot for a twisted psychological thriller - with you as the victim.

 

I think you should stay away from this woman - forever.

[Mary3]

Something about you does not sit right :

 

You are either A ) Really a rapist in denial

B ) Had an alcoholic blackout and do not remember the rape

 

Your Martyr Attitude about * Helping Her out Alot * makes me feel weird in the stomache ......

 

Is it possible that you are a Psuedo Author of an event you have fictionalized here because your words of of either A ) A struggling writer

or B ) Someone who lives in fantasy land and created this whole thing because you have no life.

 

 

Sorry I dont buy any of this....more proof....less drama and bull@@@@

 

Its just something is not right here and I think its YOU.....not being mean ....just saying she should RUN from you instead of cuddling all nite with someone who tore her sense of security with a rape.....

 

If thats what even happened....

 

Are you a writer ?

[walkingwounded]

Thank you all for your replies. Let me try to address all of that. First off, I'm not a writer, this isn't fiction. This has been the most frightening, painful thing I've ever been through and I've tried to lay it out as clearly as I can with all of the facts and goings-on that I know of.

 

Next: there's been a theme here that people think that K is f-ing with my head; that something isn't right with the whole story. There seem to be a lot of skeptics out there and I can't tell you how horrible it would be if what you suggest is true. I've known K for years though and I cannot imagine she would put me through so much pain for some weird ulterior motive. Yes, she did want to get back together, and so that's a possible motive, but I can't think in a million years she'd lie about something like this.

 

The inconsistencies, the oddities of this...it's good to hear that you guys see them. I don't understand it, and I probably never will. I've accepted that, and accepted what I did that night and I honestly hope that the last 2 months weren't wasted...that I did something good in trying to be there for her. Alas, my gut told me to follow your advice. I've cut all ties with her and for an undetermined amount of time. She's off the Australia for a month in a few days, so it's for at least that long.

 

I still feel sick about the whole thing. The comment about men not getting therapy is interesting. I hope I didn't confuse more of you regarding my statement there. I am a big proponent of getting help with stuff like this. I've just always dealt with it myself. For almost every other tough thing I've had to do, it's worked well. But thanks for the recommendation and I really will consider it.

 

The worst thing for me (selfish moment) is that I feel there are more questions now than answers. K's recent, smiling "I'm back" moment wasn't joyous for me like I think she was hoping. Even typing that, I can see why you think there's manipulation in all of this.

 

And so, now, it's just me. The whole situation has been FUBAR, but now I recognize it's time to move on. I can't do anything more other than consciously be pro-active about making the world around me a better place. I'm certainly trying. I'll keep reading your posts and let you all know about major developments. I know I've said it a few times, but thank you all. You've been more valuable to a guy who never talks about his own "stuff" than you will probably ever realize.

 

Best regards,

 

D

[Pocky]

Yes, she did want to get back together, and so that's a possible motive, but I can't think in a million years she'd lie about something like this.

 

Hmmm..

[Barby]

Originally posted by Mary3

Something about you does not sit right :

 

You are either A ) Really a rapist in denial

B ) Had an alcoholic blackout and do not remember the rape

 

Your Martyr Attitude about * Helping Her out Alot * makes me feel weird in the stomache ......

 

Is it possible that you are a Psuedo Author of an event you have fictionalized here because your words of of either A ) A struggling writer

or B ) Someone who lives in fantasy land and created this whole thing because you have no life.

 

 

Sorry I dont buy any of this....more proof....less drama and bull@@@@

 

Its just something is not right here and I think its YOU.....not being mean ....just saying she should RUN from you instead of cuddling all nite with someone who tore her sense of security with a rape..... To me all of this is sooooooo sad.....

 

 

If thats what even happened....

 

Are you a writer ?

 

 

I can't see how he was wrong for trying to "help her" she sounds twisted, I agree that I think she is just doing and saying whatever she can to get him back. She went home with him as she had done many many times before to "hook up" and he didn't mention being so drunk he couldn't remember things....she claims he "raped" her....now she's giving him a ring???

 

Then she gave me a package...this one pink and with a card. The card was intricately hand done and noted the Claddagh ring she'd spoken about in her previous email that I posted. Inside the package, was one of these rings.

 

Friends, exes, whatever...if someone is actually raped they would NOT give the "violator" a ring! WTF???!!!!

 

 

To the original poster, I'd be careful, she sounds really sick in the head, she knew you only wanted sex and you knew she wanted to re-kindle things, she invented something so you would be "OBLIGATED" to her......it worked, you were doing anything and everything she wanted and were with her 24/7. I feel she manipulated you as well.....I would be afraid if you didn't do what she wanted she'd take it a "step farther" like pressing false charges or something......and since she's convinced you to feel guilty like maybe you did do this, you'd probably "confess"

Or if like the above poster said, you did it and are in denial then OMG! But if these indeed are her "writings" and she indeed is acting the way you mentioned, she needs help, she's ill and not thinking right or is just thinking she's the "master" manipulator!

[jmargel]

Walking.. you posted that she's been a cutter in the past, or has threatened to do so? That right there is a sign of mental imbalance. When people cut themselves, they are trying to 'feel' something. This is due to a VERY deep depression. One therapy session for her is not going to fix anything. This has to be an ongoing thing, along with medication.

 

Unless she has physical proof that you 'raped' her, then you didn't. She is doing this because she just got out of a relationship and is very lonely. She is pulling you into her little messed up world. However, she doesn't realize she is doing this. To her, this 'rape' may very well seem real. Her feelings may very well feel real to her, and it's not because she is a bad person, it's because she has mental problems.

 

What you need to do is not play the game. As long as you do, she's going to continue playing it with you. You need to do your part to not get stuck into her drama. The only thing that will help her is intense therapy.

 

You need to stop putting the weight of the world on your shoulders. Good chances you didn't rape her. You two probably had sex and was a little rough with her and she took that as something else. In all actuality you don't even know if you two had sex.

 

It might be good if you had a session or two with a therapist, just so you can get confirmation on this and have a clearer head. You did good by what you said to her.

[tanbark813]

I hate to sound insensitive here, but to the OP, in your epic stories posted here, you never mentioned what actually happened that night. I mean, did she actually tell you to stop? Have you guys ever been rough with each other before? The whole thing sounds blown out of proportion. Or maybe I just think that because it was never stated what really occurred.

[Pocky]

When people cut themselves, they are trying to 'feel' something.

 

Honestly, I'm not disagreeing just for the sake of disagreeing. I promise! But, that's just one possible reason why she's cutting, but it's not the only reason. Sometimes, women cut themselves as a way to validate the pain they're feeling inside. Cutting provides a wound, blood, a visual indication of pain. It symbolizes the pain the person is feeling on the inside and in a sense provides them with a way to heal. It's a release just like when someone that is addicted to heroine needs to get the fix in order to feel better - women that are "addicted" to cutting need to cut in order to feel better. I'll assume you are aware of the chemical changes in the brain when pain occurs.

[katty]

I don't want to judge but having the experience I have, I am a rape & grief counselor and I have not once came across a person (not saying that its not true) who felt safer with the one accused. My opinion is something or someone else has hurt her and your events that night may have triggered them. We can have trauma in our life that we pack away until our body feels we are ready to release them. Some call it memory blocks, some call it flashbacks.. please remember this event and learn from it. I admire you for being there for her. It maybe that you are her safe haven, unfortunately it has caused unrepairable damage to both parties. I decided to be a rape counselor after my own experiences. It was my way of giving back. It was great of you to find her a therapist. Please do not take my post as an accusation that she is not being totally honest, please dont' think I am saying that b/c I am not. Just be a little cautious and careful ok. There was a time in my life when I found comfort in the arms and home of an ex b/f after a terrible experience I had. I was attacked by 2 men and thank God today that I survived. I found myself in this situation b/c I had helped a lady leave an abusive husband. I was the one he blamed for her leaving b/c I helped her and her 2 children find a safe place away from him. His way of getting back at me was by catching me out alone and he and a friend attacked me and I am not sure if they would have raped me or not b/c as I said I was very lucky, I just happened to have pepper spray on my keychain and it came in handy. Another lady who had left the safe house at the same time I did happened to come by and called the cops which were very close by, so we were so lucky. Sorry to make that story so long but there is a point to it, I was really shook up for a while from the violent attack and couldn't sleep and found that I only found myself safe at my ex b/fs house. Its kind of funny now when we talk about it b/c he had tried for months to reconcile and I wouldn't and then after the attack he was my knight in shining armour. Just thought I would throw that in. She may have more going on under the surface than she is willing to let you know, other wise she wouldn't feel so safe with you. Don't beat yourself up over this incident just remember it, and seek help if this is something that has happened before. You have shown a lot of compassion and concern and I think you are going to ok. Just remember to drink wisely and I would suggest your not entertaining guest on the nights that you are too drunk to remember all the details. I know that doesn't sound like much fun but how much fun has it been to carry all of this around with you for months. Take care and take care of your friend. I have flirted around this subject but chose not to bring it up but I feel as if I must even though it may seem very cold of me but I do not mean for it to be cold, so here it goes, your friend may be manipulating you or guilting you into being with her. She may not even realize she is doing this but there is a chance that she is. It wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened. Don't get me wrong rape is very serious and should not be taken lightly, however I have seen a few cases of false accusations in order to obtain attention for example, I had a friend who accused our guy friend of rape and later she admitted that she had just felt bad about having sex with him (they were both drunk) and then felt even worse when he didnt pursue a r/s with her after their one night together. She reacted to his rejection personally and she convinced herself that the sex was rape. It happens, I don't like to suggest this as the case b/c rape is such a horrific trauma for anyone to endure and to then if she is not believed it is even more difficult. Hope this helps some. Please seek help for yourself also. It could help you put things in perspective.

[creativelyobsessed]

the girl is obviously nuts and needs therapy. she is using and manipulating you and has tricked herself into believing what she is doing is right. that is scary. once you feel you can run away from her, do so.

[walkingwounded]

I just checked back in here (for some reason I haven't been getting emails about your recent replies) and found a few new posts. Let me answer some questions:

 

Tanbark: No, she never said stop, she never indicated she wasn't okay. Yes, we had sex, but as far as I know it was consensual.

 

Jmargel: Pocky's got this one about the cutting. She's got some history there, but it is more of an attempt to gain a visual representation and a more realistic, understandable sensation of pain; a transformation of the pain she's felt regarding issues like relationships ending, family strife, etc. Depressed, she may be, but I don't think it's that unilateral.

 

Katty: Thanks for your post. How can I judge her? Is she telling the truth? The aforementioned are rhetorical questions, of course. I will never know. It's devastating to me to see that so many people see inconsistencies with other rapes. It makes me question what happened even more and makes me consider the possibility that she's hurt me (intentionally or not) in order to try to sway my affections. It's like having me tear my heart out in order to say I gave it to her. What you nailed...as many others did in previous posts: something's not right here. And the fact that as a counselor you've never run into this....that doesn't bode well either and further confirms my suspicions that I'm alone in this struggle. (**In the sense that no one's been in my shoes)

 

Creativelyobsessed: Run away? Funny you should mention that. I got an email from her when I woke up this morning. I think she's still in Australia, I don't know. Upon the recommendations of some here, I've kind of blocked her out of my thoughts. And as you'll see, your advice is my latest consideration.

 

%%%%%%

 

I received an email from K this morning, titled "Presence Requested":

 

A Surprise Awaits You

7:00 P.M. on Saturday, November 13

Please RSVP your attendance and details will follow shortly.

If this will be a problem for you, please advise quickly. Alternative dates

may be arranged. However, a problem or negative outcome is never the

desired effect and should be avoided at all costs. Please advise if there

is potential for this. But it would mean a lot to me.

 

---------------

I went with my gut in my response. It was simple: "Sorry, but no."

 

I have no idea what she wants. The last email, as you may have read earlier, was much like this and it was a carefully crafted meeting to demonstrate how she was "okay" and wanted to rebuild our friendship. I then explained that I needed time and she was upset about this. Unlike the previous meeting request, this one makes me nervous. I don't fear anything, but her cryptic nature, it's weird right? Something's not right.

 

And so, having been up for a few hours, my only thought on the matter is: move on. Don't ever speak with her again. Or let her know that the events of the last 4 months have killed our friendship in my mind and heart and it's too painful to be around her. Not sure how I feel I should address that issue.

 

Here's the upside: I'm moving on. I am finding girls that make me smile and who like me for me, without all this sh** in the background. I finally feel like I can be okay again and keep working to make the world a better place for those around me. I can remember now what it was like to not feel like a rapist. To think those feelings may have been artificially created by K to make me love her again just blows my mind and poisons my heart. How could someone do that to someone they profess to care about?

 

Here's the downside: My parents like her a lot. My mum loves her. My sister loves her. Somehow, K will come up: "Why don't you talk to her anymore?" "She called and said you two weren't speaking, what's up?". I suppose I may have to tell them the entire story. I suppose I might make something up that's 1000 times easier to understand. Essentially, I can walk away from K...I'm not sure she'll walk away from me, but rather try to use my family to reach me.

 

Basically, it's all a lot of worry at this point. For the past 3 weeks, I've felt pretty good and I can honestly say that her not being in my life has been a major part of that. I recognize that it's time for "walkingwounded" to "walk away", but I wanted to check in with you. You have been a source of support that I couldn't find anywhere else and oddly, while I've never met any of you, I trust your opinions and suggestions to a large degree.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by walkingwounded

I received an email from K this morning, titled "Presence Requested":

 

A Surprise Awaits You

7:00 P.M. on Saturday, November 13

Please RSVP your attendance and details will follow shortly.

If this will be a problem for you, please advise quickly. Alternative dates

may be arranged. However, a problem or negative outcome is never the

desired effect and should be avoided at all costs. Please advise if there

is potential for this. But it would mean a lot to me.

---------------

I went with my gut in my response. It was simple: "Sorry, but no."

 

You made the right choice. Obviously I don't know the particular dynamics of the relationship between you two but given what you've just been through that email only further illustrates to me that this woman is not "all there". Is she perhaps manic?

 

It makes me question what happened even more and makes me consider the possibility that she's hurt me (intentionally or not) in order to try to sway my affections.

 

It is my opinion that that is what she did. If it was unintentional then she needs professional help that will only be effective if you are no longer a part of her life. If it was intentional then clearly you're better off having nothing what-so-ever to do with this girl.

 

Here's the downside: My parents like her a lot. My mum loves her. My sister loves her. Somehow, K will come up: "Why don't you talk to her anymore?" "She called and said you two weren't speaking, what's up?". I suppose I may have to tell them the entire story. I suppose I might make something up that's 1000 times easier to understand. Essentially, I can walk away from K...I'm not sure she'll walk away from me, but rather try to use my family to reach me.

 

I think you should talk to your family or at least the one person to whom you are closest. You'll feel much better for it. It will relieve the pressure of lying (haven't you got enough on your plate at the moment?) & if you decide that you want her out of your life you'll have someone in the family who understands why & can be your allie.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by walkingwounded

Tanbark: No, she never said stop, she never indicated she wasn't okay. Yes, we had sex, but as far as I know it was consensual.

 

Then it's not rape. She sounds like an attention wh0re. And honestly, man, you sound like you like this drama too. Both of you are making this way more epic than it really is. Time to move on.

[Barby]

Upon the recommendations of some here, I've kind of blocked her out of my thoughts. And as you'll see, your advice is my latest consideration.

Beyond blocking this woman from your thoughts, you need to start to block her from your life. SHE IS A NUT CASE!

 

Tanbark: No, she never said stop, she never indicated she wasn't okay. Yes, we had sex, but as far as I know it was consensual.

 

Obviously she is confused as to what rape is!!

 

I went with my gut in my response. It was simple: "Sorry, but no."

 

I have no idea what she wants. The last email, as you may have read earlier, was much like this and it was a carefully crafted meeting to demonstrate how she was "okay" and wanted to rebuild our friendship. I then explained that I needed time and she was upset about this. Unlike the previous meeting request, this one makes me nervous. I don't fear anything, but her cryptic nature, it's weird right? Something's not right.

 

I'm glad you declined the invitation to a suprise, whatever you do DON'T hang out with her, don't play further into her delusional exsistance....she needs help but sadly you're probably not going to be the one who can help her.

 

 

I think she's got split-personality disorder or something, something is wrong and the farther away from her you stay the better and more mentally healthy you'll be. I agree talking to someone you know you can trust would probably be the best thing, let someone who knows you both tell you what we've been telling you...that she's nuts and something isn't right!

 

Keep us posted on how things go,

[EnigmaXOXO]

Bluechocolate writes: I think you should talk to your family or at least the one person to whom you are closest. You'll feel much better for it. It will relieve the pressure of lying (haven't you got enough on your plate at the moment?) & if you decide that you want her out of your life you'll have someone in the family who understands why & can be your allie.

 

Blue's sentiments reflect my own so I thought it was worth bumping up.

 

I'm also relieved that you are doing better in the absence of K's emotional aura. Even elated to learn that you found the inner resolve to decline her latest invitation. Too many "surprises" like this tends to make one a bit twitchy.

 

You're a good person, but remember self preservation first and foremost, WW.

[walkingwounded]

As always, thanks for the comments. Tanbark, it's real mate. I'm not trying to overemphasize or inflate any of this...quite to the contrary, I'm trying to understand the insanity of the last 4 months. I'm with ya in a moving on, but this hasn't been a smooth road.

 

Bluechocolate: Manic? Fair question. She doesn't present as such (nor bipolar). But it appears to be concensus amongst almost everyone here that there's something wrong with her thought processes. You've all sold me on that quite thoroughly and while I've known her for years, I never saw it. Perhaps it's recent...whatever, not my deal. I get that. For my own mental health (and so Tanbark doesn't have a coronary), I'm movin' on.

 

Enigma: Thanks. I appreciate ya lookin' out for me. And yep, like you learn in EMT school...you have to make sure the scene is safe before your can help. I'm certainly doing that.

 

Now, just fade away, or tell her I don't want to have any contact with her? Thoughts?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Now, just fade away, or tell her I don't want to have any contact with her? Thoughts?

 

Given K's persistence, it doesn't sound as if she responds well to subtleties. It may also help you to feel better in the long run knowing you have given her absolute closure. I can't imagine (if it were me) having to bob and weave around someone in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. For how long - Indefinitely?

 

It would be 'unnerving' to say the least.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by walkingwounded

For my own mental health (and so Tanbark doesn't have a coronary), I'm movin' on.

 

I'm not going to lose any sleep over your situation, I was just being honest.

 

I personally think fading away is a bad idea. If you decide you don't want contact with her, I think it would be in your best interest to be clear about that to her. Just keep it short and sweet.

[JackieQ]

sounds like moving on is best for you.

 

One thought though...If she has been abused/raped at some point before you knew her and if that night triggered some sort of flashback...she may have wound up blaming you because it was a lot "safer" than facing the person who had actually hurt her. She may not feel strong enough or safe enough to face that person. And she may not on a totally conscious level know or understand doing this. Irrational, crazy, and screwed up, but maybe one way of understanding how it happened?

 

That said, you are right you are NOT responsible for her problems...and moving on is a good thing to do.

 

Take care and good luck...

Jackie

[katty]

Glad to see you have made some good choices. I would suggest staying away from her at all cost. If she is close to your family than plan on being away when she is around. I hate to say it but she sounds like a whack job. Hate to use that word for it but she has cost you enough sleepless nights and you will not help her and as time passes on it does look as if you were the one being used. She knew you well enough to know how serious and sensitive you would treat this matter and she abused that friendship. I had a ex b/f who dated a girl after me that was constantly inflicting drama on everyone but the odd thing is during her time with my ex somehow the things she was doing were always put across to him and his friends as stuff I was doing to her. The girl was CRAZY. I guess what I am trying to say is the girl is definitely disfunctional and dont worry about trying to explain that to your family she will show it all on her own. Trust me on that one. The crazy lady who tried to poison my dogs, called police when I left the bar, etc. was crazy and I didn't have to do anything to prove it to anyone. Matter of fact my ex still has a restraining order on her and the last time she pulled one of her stunts it was against him and he got a DUI. She ended up causing herself so many problems and the last time she was caught sneaking into ex bfs house thru the window he called the police department who had been put out with her and her craziness and they called in the Mental ward and had her committed. I know that sounds so bad but true. So anyways time will show your family and others that she needs help and its not the type you are qualified to give.

[chaddy]

wow thats deep but i dont think she hates you else she wouldnt want you around her chill give her space

 

i hope things work out